Opinions on physical attraction

[TenaciousBushLeaper]

I'm wondering how everyone feels about being physically attracted to their partners and how this effects how they behave towards their partners and in the relationship in general. 

I haven't been with a ton of people (only 5, I'm talking about committed relationships) but I'd say they've ranged from a 2 to a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of how attractive they were (purely physical). While at the time I did not notice this, looking back I've realized that when everything else is equal(how much I like their personalities and the way they make me feel) it seemed like I did more or did little things here and there for those partners that fell higher up on the attractiveness scale. Although I've never said no to a potential partner because of their looks and I've had great relationships with those who I didn't think were good looking at all. 

[ashiepoo72]

I think attraction is extremely important between partners. However, I think my 1-10 scale of attractiveness would be different from yours, which would be different from someone else's and on and on. We have different standards of physical beauty, for one, as well as different factors that add to or subtract from a potential partner's attractiveness that go beyond physical. For example, I get extremely turned off by people who are constantly taking selfies and putting them on snapchat (generally social media obsessed people who don't exist in the real world) but find intellectually-engaged but inappropriately funny people very attractive. Yes, there are physical characteristics that I tend to gravitate towards, but those only get me so far. Other people may value other aspects differently than I do, or you do.

Bottom line, attraction--however it is determined and felt--is quite important. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be with anyone that turns me off so much I can't have them in my personal space.

[TenaciousBushLeaper]

I think attraction is extremely important between partners. However, I think my 1-10 scale of attractiveness would be different from yours, which would be different from someone else's and on and on. We have different standards of physical beauty, for one, as well as different factors that add to or subtract from a potential partner's attractiveness that go beyond physical. For example, I get extremely turned off by people who are constantly taking selfies and putting them on snapchat (generally social media obsessed people who don't exist in the real world) but find intellectually-engaged but inappropriately funny people very attractive. Yes, there are physical characteristics that I tend to gravitate towards, but those only get me so far. Other people may value other aspects differently than I do, or you do.

Bottom line, attraction--however it is determined and felt--is quite important. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be with anyone that turns me off so much I can't have them in my personal space.

I completely agree however, I'm wondering about what role you think physical attraction and only physical attraction has played or plays in relationships for you. 

[ashiepoo72]

Physical attraction is often the first thing that draws me to someone else. I've also grown more or less physically attracted to people over time. I've dated people who were not traditionally attractive and ended up crazy attracted to them and dated people who were drop dead gorgeous who became ugly to me (yes, physically) because of their personality or other f-ed up stuff that happened. I've also been immediately and extremely attracted to people that others might not view as attractive.

Physical attraction is such a weird, fluid thing. I'm saying it's important, but it's not something we can easily define.

[Page228]

It definitely makes a difference. Standards for physical/sexual attraction vary from person to person, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't find me physically attractive and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't match my own tastes.

Of course, the world has few true 10s, and personality can certainly make a person more or less attractive... But if you consider someone a 2 (ouch), I think that's bound to change your behavior. It seems much kinder to leave that person to others who might see things differently.

[ashiepoo72]

Yeah, let that "2" go...besides, another person may find them more attractive than you do, so it's better if they aren't stuck with someone who isn't into them. I don't think it's fair to either person if one isn't feeling it attraction-wise (or otherwise).

Another consideration: some people don't care for the physical aspect of relationships so maybe physical attractiveness isn't a priority. I have an asexual friend who says they want companionship, not sexytimes, so they don't care how their partner looks. Just a thought.

[1Q84]

It also depends on your own personality, too; that is, whether you tend to place a lot of emphasis on physical beauty (however you define such a trait). 

 

For example, I know some people who truly don't care about looks in any traditional sense. I also know people who won't even want to talk to an "unattractive" person.

[TenaciousBushLeaper]

It definitely makes a difference. Standards for physical/sexual attraction vary from person to person, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't find me physically attractive and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't match my own tastes.

Of course, the world has few true 10s, and personality can certainly make a person more or less attractive... But if you consider someone a 2 (ouch), I think that's bound to change your behavior. It seems much kinder to leave that person to others who might see things differently.

 

Yeah, let that "2" go...besides, another person may find them more attractive than you do, so it's better if they aren't stuck with someone who isn't into them. I don't think it's fair to either person if one isn't feeling it attraction-wise (or otherwise).

Another consideration: some people don't care for the physical aspect of relationships so maybe physical attractiveness isn't a priority. I have an asexual friend who says they want companionship, not sexytimes, so they don't care how their partner looks. Just a thought.

The 2 has been gone for a while, but that's the thing, in my experience I can really be into someone w/o having to feel physically attracted to them. Although, when there is a physical attraction and a strong one at that, looking back, there has definitely been a difference in my behavior. Is it then better to not give the 2's a chance(kindly say no in some way or another)?  (btw I'm a male, if anyone was wondering, and if that matters(maybe idk? ))

Edited March 22, 2015 by TenaciousBushLeaper

[victorydance]

I would never date someone I wasn't attracted to, even someone I was mildly attracted to. 

[ashiepoo72]

Give whoever you want a chance, but once you feel like the relationship is not going anywhere or not doing anything for you, I would end it.

Male, female or any gender iteration, it doesn't matter. I'd give any of my friends the same advice. It's courteous to the person you're dating, and it's not worth your happiness or time to be with someone you aren't into.

[LittleDarlings]

To me physical attraction is the most important thing. Like I'm probably not going to pay attention to you if you don't attract me with your looks. All that depends on the person as to whose attractive and who isn't though. I try to avoid going below a 6 in my dating scale

[fuzzylogician]

I feel more physically attracted to people whose personality I find attractive. I do have physical features that I find more attractive on paper, if you asked me to describe my ideal partner's looks, but in reality I've dated people who didn't have those features and it didn't matter at all, once I got hooked on their personality (which is really what I am attracted to most). I don't think I behaved differently with the ones who were closer to my imagined physical ideal, at least not in any way I can see now looking back. It's an interesting question, though. Was there a subconscious difference? Maybe, who knows.

[TenaciousBushLeaper]

Side note, moving forward can we not down vote people who are willing to admit physical attraction is important to them. 

Anyhow, 

 

 

It's an interesting question, though. Was there a subconscious difference? Maybe, who knows.

Yea I wonder if there's some type of implicit bias that we're not fully aware of based on certain standards(which we may not be fully aware of) or maybe ideas we've continually been exposed to.

Edited March 22, 2015 by TenaciousBushLeaper

[brown_eyed_girl]

I've had conversations with guys about this, and it seems like men are usually more visual than women are. I am MUCH more attracted to personality/personal traits (intelligence/ambition/emotional stability/openness/thoughtfulness/sense of humor/compatible life goals/chemistry) than looks. It's hard to separate the two because, unless we're just looking at pictures and not interacting with someone, a person's demeanor and character come into play. I would not be able to enjoy dating a highly attractive but dumb person. A smart and caring but mediocre-looking person could be extremely attractive to me. It's very holistic for me. I agree that being attracted to someone is very important, and relationships where I've tried to overlook a low attraction level have not gone well; that said, my degree of attraction does not correlate to whether I think someone is objectively good-looking. 

Edited March 22, 2015 by brown_eyed_girl

[rising_star]

I've never dated or been involved with someone I don't find attractive at all. That's just not something I would do because it's cruel, same as victorydance has said. If they're less than what I personally see as a 5, I'm not going to get involved with them. That doesn't mean that the people I've dated are those that someone else would find attractive because that's not important to me. I care about how I feel about the person, not how other people feel about that person or if other people think we're a couple matched in attractiveness. I would say that's something I cared more about in my teens and early 20s but now it's really about me and what I want, not what others think.

 

At the same time, similar to fuzzylogician, I have noticed some commonalities in the physical appearance of people I have dated. I would actually say that this is something that happened in my 20s but that I didn't notice until my late 20s. It's not just physical characteristics though, it's personality traits as well. Over time, I've decided that perhaps some of those personality characteristics are ones I don't prefer or should stay away from for various reasons. Who and how I look for a partner has definitely changed over time, which I think is the case for a lot of people. I'm a lot clearer about what I want now than I was 5 or 10 years ago. 

[ss2player]

I've had conversations with guys about this, and it seems like men are usually more visual than women are. I am MUCH more attracted to personality/personal traits (intelligence/ambition/emotional stability/openness/thoughtfulness/sense of humor/compatible life goals/chemistry) than looks. It's hard to separate the two because, unless we're just looking at pictures and not interacting with someone, a person's demeanor and character come into play. I would not be able to enjoy dating a highly attractive but dumb person. A smart and caring but mediocre-looking person could be extremely attractive to me. It's very holistic for me. I agree that being attracted to someone is very important, and relationships where I've tried to overlook a low attraction level have not gone well; that said, my degree of attraction does not correlate to whether I think someone is objectively good-looking. 

 

Chiming in with a male perspective here:

 

I definitely tend to be physically drawn to someone first, then as I get to know their personality, it can either make me more or less attracted to them. There have been cases where I was "meh" on someone's looks but liked them more over time as I knew them better, but if I find them unattractive from the start, nothing is going to change that. I could be great friends with them, but it would never go beyond that. So basically I have a baseline level, and once someone is there, their persona becomes much more important.

 

As others said, our "scales" may be totally different! Example: I rarely find thin/petite women attractive, sizes 10-16 are the ideal for me. I'm a big, hulky dude (6'2", 220 lbs), so anyone really small I feel like I'd hurt them in the bedroom. Plus hips and butts are my thing.

[TenaciousBushLeaper]

 

 Plus hips and butts are my thing.

Amen brother. 

[1Q84]

Side note, moving forward can we not down vote people who are willing to admit physical attraction is important to them. 

 

There's a difference between admitting physical attraction (which, I believe, every single person in the thread has done) and this:

 

 

Like I'm probably not going to pay attention to you if you don't attract me with your looks. 

[fuzzylogician]

There's a difference between admitting physical attraction (which, I believe, every single person in the thread has done) and this:

 

Can we please just move on? Do you think anything good will come out of what you're doing other than derailing the thread? There is an interesting discussion going here. Can we concentrate on that? 

[TenaciousBushLeaper]

I agree that being attracted to someone is very important, and relationships where I've tried to overlook a low attraction level have not gone well; 

I wonder about this. It's sorta like attempting to reconcile an explicit decision and thought with another decision we've already made, where the two aren't in line with one another. Kinda of like when I try to start writing a paper way before it's due but I know in the back of my head that I can get it done within a few hours so I end up not taking action on the good advice I've tried to give myself. 

 

I care about how I feel about the person, not how other people feel about that person or if other people think we're a couple matched in attractiveness. I would say that's something I cared more about in my teens and early 20s but now it's really about me and what I want, not what others think.

Good point! I hadn't considered how the opinions of others may interact with these decision. 

[ashiepoo72]

Yea I wonder if there's some type of implicit bias that we're not fully aware of based on certain standards(which we may not be fully aware of) or maybe ideas we've continually been exposed to.

This is a REALLY interesting thought. I can totally see how my opinion of attractiveness has changed over time, in part because of exposure to new ideas and people.

When I say "traditional standards of beauty" I think all of us can kind of outline what those are (obviously this is a singularly Western and maybe even American standard I'm referencing). Our society does influence how we perceive others, but I think attraction is often an instinctual thing (hips and butts are making a comeback, but rail thin women are generally the standard of feminine beauty in the media, so obviously you butt lovers out there aren't just internalizing societal narratives of attraction).

If you had asked me what I liked in high school, my response would be very specific in terms of physical attributes. As an adult, I've found there are things I like way more than a pretty face. We all have preferences, sure, but pure physical attraction doesn't necessarily mean great physical/emotional/intellectual chemistry or whatever.

[maelia8]

My idea of what is incredibly physically attractive is wildly different from what I see in magazines or on television ... for me, it matters very much whether someone has the right smell and that certain right way of moving (like an adorable way of swishing the hair out of their eyes, for example) that I find attractive, rather than whether their face is symmetrical or whether they have nice abs. 

 

I have dated people that I found slightly less attractive and people that I found slightly more attractive, but the differences was very slight - on a sliding scale, the lowest would have been a 7 on my scale and the highest a 9, so it's a pretty small range. I have never dated anyone that I found to be less than a 6 or 7 on my scale, and I never would, because it would make me uncomfortable - I would fear that they'd feel I was patronizing them in some way. Another thing that I find perhaps more important than physical attractiveness is sexual compatibility - if I have really great sex with them (not just their skill, but their scent and their vibe and ability to take instruction - the whole picture), they then become more attractive to me, while if we have mediocre sex, their attractiveness goes way down in my eyes.

[LittleDarlings]

There's a difference between admitting physical attraction (which, I believe, every single person in the thread has done) and this:

It's not wrong to admit that I want attraction and if a guy doesn't catch my eye I'm not going to go out of my way to get romantically involved. It's no different than anything anyone else said.  I admit maybe I should have worded it better or explained but when you initially see someone you see what they look like not their personality. Personality is important but for me I will figure that out later I want to go to the hottie before I want to go to the not hottie.  I mean let's be honest.  I am a shallow person and I admit it, I would likely stick it out with a less than ideal personality before I would go for what I think is less than attractive.  So when I said if they are unattractive I don't want to get to know them... I was being honest. If you don't like it... too bad I don't care about you or your opinion of me  

Edited March 22, 2015 by LittleDarlings

[ss2player]

Another thing that I find perhaps more important than physical attractiveness is sexual compatibility - if I have really great sex with them (not just their skill, but their scent and their vibe and ability to take instruction - the whole picture), they then become more attractive to me, while if we have mediocre sex, their attractiveness goes way down in my eyes.

 

Well put! All my best relationships we got down on the first date/early on in the courtship. Sexual compatibility has always been great in those circumstances; instances where I waited for them ended up having issues...but I guess that shows if we have similar attitudes it carries over to the actual act as well.

[ashiepoo72]

maelia--I agree, I think sexual compatibility is hugely important. I know someone who was in a sexless relationship by the guy's choice and she felt totally stifled. I've been in the situation where I dreaded going to bed with an attractive partner because we were physically incompatible--even though both of us valued the sexual aspect of relationships. Others would be miserable with someone who places a lot of emphasis on sex, and that's ok too.

Bottom line--there's a difference between "dang, you look good" and "dang, you make my ladybusiness feel good"