Parent Scholar Support

[ProfLorax]

I love being a mom. My almost six-month old daughter is always surprising me with her new discoveries. As of this week, she can roll over, sit up, and babble with consonant sounds. Her smile and laugh bring me such joy. She has helped me learn how deeply and strongly I can love.

I love being a grad student. I'm reading for my comp exams, and each text I read reaffirms my enthusiasm for what I study. I'm also writing a syllabus for a new class I'm proposing, and I'm remembering how much fun it is to teach and design courses.

And usually, I love being both a mom and a scholar. I find that my experiences with pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood all make me a better scholar (especially given my research interests) and a better teacher.

But sometimes, it's so hard. My daughter who was a great sleeper has all of a sudden forgotten how to sleep. I'm waking up every hour, sometimes for two hours at a time. I'm so tired that I can't read or write or think about anything regarding my comps. And she has just started experiencing separation anxiety, making it harder to leave her with a sitter while I get work done. She's with a sitter right now. I'm on my way to a doctor's appointment, and I planned on reading on my way, but I just can't. I'm too tired, and I feel too guilty about leaving her (with a sitter who she usually loves and I totally trust). But still. It's hard, especially because she know says "mamamamamamama" when she cries. I know she isn't saying Mama (she's way too young for that), but it still pierces my heart.

I'm almost nervous posting this, as last week, I was told on this forum that having kids while in grad school is a bad life decision. I completely disagree, and I don't want to help prove that user's point. I have no regrets, and like I said above, I love being both a mom and a grad student. Still, sometimes it's hard, and I'd love to hear how other people on this board juggle the two roles. At the end of the day, I take great relief in knowing that everything great in my life has taken work, and parenting while in grad school is no exception.

[ashiepoo72]

One of the hardest things about being a mom is overcoming the guilt when you're apart from your children. I have a 6 year old, and I wish I could say it gets easier. I've come to accept that I deserve time to be a person beyond a mother, and that's the best I can do.

When you're busy with work and school, finding time for yourself feels like a selfish act. You're already away from your child doing "responsible" things that need to be done, why should you do "selfish" things in the time you could be with your child? At the end of the day, though, we need to teach our children to be whole people, and part of that is living as whole people ourselves.

I know it's really hard, but all children have some level of separation anxiety and it's good for them to learn that, while their parents will be there to support and love them, they can't always physically be around. That's just life, something kids have to deal with. When they go to school, you can't be there. As they grow older, they need to learn independence, which means parents have to take a step back. It's really, really hard to do, but in the long run benefits your child.

Don't let anyone tell you having a child in grad school is a bad idea! Honestly, my daughter is the reason I turned my life around and became serious about school. Before her, I was a rebellious and lackluster student, but once I had her I realized I needed to buckle down. I want her to see higher education as the norm, that pursuing her dreams is a worthwhile endeavor. Raising her while I go through the process is the best way to do that, in my opinion.

Accept help where it's offered. Ask for help when you need it. Don't feel bad if you need a break for mental health or whatever reason and need to leave your child with a sitter. Raising a child, even in a society such as we have, requires a village of people and a lot of understanding. Don't let being a mom consume your entire self. It's a huge part, maybe the biggest part, but it's not all you are and no one should make you feel bad for nurturing all the parts of yourself. And you really do need to nurture all those parts--for your own happiness and fulfillment and to show your child that loving and caring for herself is what she should do as well.

[sierra918]

I completely disagree with those who say we shouldn't have children while in school. I know tons of people who have done it, and honestly, they are usually the most successful because there are more people depending on their success than just themselves. I'm applying to go back to graduate school in Fall 2016, and I have two children, ages 3 and 1. I want to go back for all the reasons you listed above-I love being a scholar! I also want to go back because I want to show my children (especially my daughter) that they can have the career they want without giving up everything else. You are leading by example. You should feel proud

[ProfLorax]

Thank you both for your very sincere and affirming replies! 

 

Accept help where it's offered. Ask for help when you need it. Don't feel bad if you need a break for mental health or whatever reason and need to leave your child with a sitter. Raising a child, even in a society such as we have, requires a village of people and a lot of understanding. Don't let being a mom consume your entire self. It's a huge part, maybe the biggest part, but it's not all you are and no one should make you feel bad for nurturing all the parts of yourself. And you really do need to nurture all those parts--for your own happiness and fulfillment and to show your child that loving and caring for herself is what she should do as well.

This! This is such wonderful advice. I really needed to hear it. You're so right about all of it. When I was pregnant, I wrote on my FB that it takes a village to raise a child AND a mom. I told my partner that I was struggling, and he took ALL of the night shifts last night. It's amazing how much a good night sleep can change everything around!

 

I completely disagree with those who say we shouldn't have children while in school. I know tons of people who have done it, and honestly, they are usually the most successful because there are more people depending on their success than just themselves. I'm applying to go back to graduate school in Fall 2016, and I have two children, ages 3 and 1. I want to go back for all the reasons you listed above-I love being a scholar! I also want to go back because I want to show my children (especially my daughter) that they can have the career they want without giving up everything else. You are leading by example. You should feel proud

Thank you! I agree; it's so important to show our children that we can be whole people as adults. 

[stillconfused]

Hi Ladies, new to gradcafe. I am a super A+ type of person who was always talented and gifted, overachieving, winning things etc. then WAM! Fell in love in college, got married Junoir year, and yes had a baby in the middle of my senior year while finishing up my honors thesis --- still managed to graduate summa.

7-8 years later I've got an almost 7 year old and 3 year old. I have been pretty broke all these years, stayed home while my husband got a masters and tries to move up the pay scale. Never studied abroad or went to grad school, never really worked a career job, just little things here and there part-time. Just took care of my kids for most of my twenties. And voraciously read, studied, practiced, learned about my area (Religious Studies)

I just applied to a PhD program in my area. I only applied to one program. I can't move anywhere else - kids school, husband's job. I've been dying to do this program and get "back on track" for 7 years. To develop myself. To achieve something worthy of my talents, gifts, and intellect. To capitalize on all those award and scholarships and straight As I got. And to show everyone I didn't "just become a mom." Now I applied....I feel really confused. I feel sad or tired or something. Am I CRAZY to have applied with kids this young? And I cruel?

Why do I feel so tired? I just feel tired. I have always wanted a PhD but now I'm almost secretly hoping I don't get in. What's wrong with me?? If I get in, it's a sweet deal. Funding and everything. Great school. Such an interesting subject. It's my dream -- not to 'become a professor' but to learn and become an expert in my field!

It seems like I'm never satisfied. If I just keep cooking casseroles and arranging things in the house I'll kick myself for never applying and going for it. Do I really want to wait until I'm 40 and the kids are in college to go for a PhD? But if I go, I am going to be so. exhausted. all. the. time. And confused. How can I keep up with the practical motherhood stuff, the insane grad school stuff, and try to have all of that feed into my main value of actually PRACTICING SPIRITUALITY? 

I am so sorry to dump these feelings on this thread but I am just so confused. I thought this is what I wanted?

 

[eeee1923]

@stillconfused I am not a mom but I respect every mom that pushes herself by attending grad school with young children (I have a couple of friends like that). The feelings of confusion are pretty normal for someone in your situation (and don't knock me since I am no psychologist). If you get into your program, you can use the experience to motivate your kids to keep pursuing their dreams, even if the going get tough. My father was finishing his PhD while I was young and he's honestly one of my biggest motivators in getting me to push myself academically and pursue a PhD myself. You don't want to regret not going down a certain path (that can be beneficial) because those feelings will haunt your forever. Good luck with your future endeavors!

[anthroappetence]

Thank you all so much for this. I am 7 months pregnant and I also have an 11 year old. I just applied to 7 PhD programs and I'm nervous about taking on too much! I have worked full time throughout my MA program, so the thought of quitting my job to focus on school full time for a PhD sounds pretty nice! But, add a new baby and husband to the mix and it could be a disaster. @stillconfused I totally know how you feel! After I turned in all of my apps, I regretted applying. I secretly hoped I wouldn't get in anywhere. Then I got an email saying I'm a finalist for one program and I'm flying out for an interview next week. This little confidence booster has completely reinvigorated my excitement. I am still scared and overwhelmed at the prospect, but I think its important to show our families that we are more than just "mommy" or "babe." We should also allow ourselves time and energy to develop as individuals, experts, scholars, etc.  Yes, it will be hard work and lots of stress for a few years but I have to believe it will be worth it! Not sure about other disciplines, but I have had SO many profs who are not married and never had children. They are definitely brilliant people, but lacked certain social qualities and life experiences that I think make for outstanding professors and professionals. And if we end up with a coveted tenure-track teaching position, imagine having summers and holidays off to spend with your family! 

[GradSchoolTruther]

Nothing wrong with staying home and "baking cookies," as some would say. People need to learn to become comfortable with who they are. You're never going to be happy if you keep comparing yourself with others, since there are always people out there who are better than you in some respect.

[Chiqui74]

I recently came across this Facebook group that so far seems like a good supportive environment. https://www.facebook.com/groups/776957585681408/

[knp]

My father went back to professional school full time when I was 11 and my sister was 14. I remember the food getting less tasty for a while—although no less nutritious—but other than that I thought it was awesome. I can't speak to the parent experience, but as somebody who remembers being the other half of this dynamic, I just wanted to say go you guys!

[PhD4metoo]

There ARE some Phd programs that offer family health care (sometimes subsidized), grad family housing, paid parental/family leave, parent programs and activiities, and even child care subsidies in order to help Phd parents stay in their programs and on track. Look for those family-friendly grad programs and services - they are at some public and some private research universities. Even grad fellowship and training grant programs like the NSF and NIH now realize the importance of being family friendly and expect universities to offer parental leave. Such programs can help make the difference in you feeling accepted, valued and help you get through grad school, which can be a grind for everyone, more so for parents!

 

Edited February 19, 2016 by yalephd4me

[Navita]

Having kids and doing grad school is not a bad decision at all. Just hang in there girl! Awwwh! Please don’t feel guilty about leaving her with a Baby sitter. That’s the right thing to do in your case. You are doing good, if she is sleeping less that means she is growing up. May be it’s something in the surroundings that irritates her, may be the crib or the sheet she sleeps on. Check for the irritants in her room/ crib. Have you tried playing some music, while trying to put her to sleep. Try it, it works. 

Good luck!

[maelia8]

@ashiepoo72 and @ProfLorax, I just wanted to say how much the two of you inspire me with your devotion to your children and your academic work, and how you face up to challenges with a fortitude that humbles me. As a grad lady with plans to reproduce at some point in the next few years, you both give me valuable perspective on the challenges I currently face as a grad student, and how those will change if I have a child someday (for the different, if not for the better). I hope that if I go down that path, I can be as awesome and eloquent and brave as the two of you.