Depressed with no reason

[Coffee is my spirit animal]

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but frankly I'm sort of lost right now, with no reason to be. I had extremely good luck this admissions cycle. I applied to eight grad schools and got into all of them including some Ivies. I just committed to a great school. I've been doing research for the past four years, am a coauthor on several papers, and to everyone it seems like I am a shoe-in for a successful academic career. I have the full emotional support of my parents, and financially I have a very good offer for a stipend from the university so that is okay as well.

Frankly when it came time to accept an offer to a university, I might as well have chosen from a hat. I've always loved astronomy, but for whatever reason I no longer find interest in it. Regardless of subfield, nothing seems to stand out to me. Yet I went to a visit two weeks ago and all of the other prospective students were thrilled with all the options and seemed to find everything interesting, asked very good questions, etc. And all I could do was sit there as they tried to convince me to go there, and wonder why on Earth I ever applied to graduate school.

Surely there is someone else in the same boat as me. I'm just not sure what I want to do - I simply feel apathetic about everything, whether it's graduate school, looking for a job, etc... I'd almost say depressed, but I'm not sad or anything, just, like I said, apathetic. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

 

[ChrisTOEFert]

It sounds to me like you are burned out right now.  Obviously you love astronomy or you would not have pushed yourself to excel and created an application that was worthy of across the board acceptances.  So first let me congratulate you, you've obviously worked incredibly hard for this and it shows to the adcom committees.  You may be feeling like you're lost at the moment because you aren't sure what the correct course of action is.  Maybe you are burned out and need to take a year off to really clear your head on what you want to do.  There is absolutely no harm in turning down all of your offers and just thinking about it.  I have even heard of some people who accept their "best" offer (and that may vary from person to person, be it better fit, better money, closer to home etc.) and then deferring admission for a few months.  This is your life, not anybody else's and you need to what is best for you and only you.  If you feel like you need some clarity then best case scenario is to accept your best offer and defer.  Worst case scenario is you decline all of your offers and once you find out what you want to do (if you think grad school is the best choice) you re-apply again.  You may not get in everywhere again, but chances are if you were this good a candidate this year, you're going to be a pretty stellar one next year as well.

It sounds to me like some breathing room and focusing on yourself for a while will do you a world of good.  Take up a couple of new hobbies that you were always interested in doing.  Blow some cash on a wild week in Cancun or sight-seeing the Rockies or traveling Europe.  Do something for you that you've always wanted to do that will kind of put everything into perspective.  After you've cleared your head, sit down and really think about what it is you want out of life.  Is it teaching and doing research?  Then grad school is definitely your best answer.  Is it teaching but maybe not doing research?  Think about a career as a teacher in middle school or high school.  Sure the money isn't as good as being a prof but life satisfaction is worth more than gold.  Is it purely research that you want to do?  If so, I'm positive that you could pull some strings with some companies and snag an entry level position given your background and work your way up to doing what you want to do.

Have fun and remember to what is best for your soul, not your wallet.

[morpheus]

Yeah, I've totally experienced this, and ridiculously frequently since my last semester of college. When I'm in that apathetic/depressive state, I'm aware of all the things that will probably snap me out of it- working out, eating clean, rock climbing with friends, exploring new places- but I can't bring myself to care enough to do any of them. So as much as I like ChrisTOEFert's advice, I understand exactly how difficult it is to actually follow through with it.

Oddly enough, the last time I was able to snap out of a funk was by doing something completely non-intuitive, and really wallowing in it... I read a long book on the history of philosophy. Then I read some of Albert Camus' essays on absurdism, and other nasty, existential works. Maybe after a few weeks of meaningless agony, you too will say "screw it!" and resume enjoying this silly universe. 

[Euler]

1 hour ago, Coffee is my spirit animal said:

I'd almost say depressed, but I'm not sad or anything, just, like I said, apathetic. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

 

Depression doesn't mean you're necessarily sad. As someone who's dealt with it for as long as I can remember, my worst bouts tend to be where I'm utterly apathetic, and often cynical.

From this post, this definitely sounds like you could be depressed. Keep in mind also that depression in a lot of cases has nothing to do with whether your circumstances are positive or negative- everybody feels down when things don't go their way (i.e. they were rejected everywhere they applied), but if everything's going the way you had hoped, and you're still feeling down, it's time to see a therapist.

Trust me, it's 100% worth it.

[runjackrun]

Hey there, Coffee! First, congratulations on a great admissions cycle! Sounds like you worked really hard and there's been a great payoff. Second, thank you for bringing this up because I have also experienced something similar and have been unsure of how to discuss it. 

I have not been second guessing my field necessarily, but I have experienced this apathy of which you speak. I also had a great admissions cycle and several professional and academic "wins" of late, and have become somewhat lethargic, unmotivated, and I would say, mildly depressed. I seriously wondered if it was some weird reaction to good news and was researching "depression when everything goes right" to no avail. A few notes from my experience:

• I imagine that much of my malaise is around the prospect of uprooting and moving across the country in a matter of months. I'm not sure if this is part of your situation, but if it is, that is quite a bit of upheaval and should not be overlooked. It brings your relationships, security, finances and routine into a state of uncertainty and that can be tremendously tough. Some people are really adaptable to new starts and unknowns--I envy them. It's often easier for me to tune it all out and it leads me to question sometimes why I am taking this dramatic step and whether or not it's worth it. 
• I think it is easy to see the grad school application process itself as a goal, and once accepted there can be a bit of emptiness. Sort of like a "now what?" Coupled with the fact that we've now all sent in these credentials to schools and are expected to prove ourselves once we get there, it can become this strange mix of pressure, imposture syndrome, and general anxiety that manifests itself differently in everyone. 
• I also think some of the apathy for me is actually the opposite--it's excitement at the prospect of my future and feeling a bit of ambivalence toward the present. 

Everyone is unique and it would be in poor taste for anyone to make any assumptions about your situation/feelings via a forum, so I think advice about seeing a therapist is good. I actually just think it is a good life practice. If you have health insurance that will cover it than it's usually pretty reasonable. If not, look for someone who offers a sliding scale to take into account your income.

[sjoh197]

There's a lot of good answers here, and as someone who as dealt with this and major anxiety... Just think of it as having planned a huge super important party for months, and then suddenly eating way too much awesome sugary cake and drank a little too much at the party and then completely crashing afterwards. Doesn't mean the party and cake were bad, just means your body I recouping.

 

Just give yourself time along with taking care of yourself. Eat right, sleep well, exercise. If the depression persists then you might want to see a doctor. But I know that I tend to crash into a so called depression after severe anxiety and can usually overcome it naturally with some time and commitment.

[kbui]

1 hour ago, sjoh197 said:

There's a lot of good answers here, and as someone who as dealt with this and major anxiety... Just think of it as having planned a huge super important party for months, and then suddenly eating way too much awesome sugary cake and drank a little too much at the party and then completely crashing afterwards. Doesn't mean the party and cake were bad, just means your body I recouping.

 

Just give yourself time along with taking care of yourself. Eat right, sleep well, exercise. If the depression persists then you might want to see a doctor. But I know that I tend to crash into a so called depression after severe anxiety and can usually overcome it naturally with some time and commitment.

This is amazing. I was just lurking around because I've been feeling really sad and overwhelmed today from learning that I should've done more in the past in terms of applying for fellowships for graduate schools, and now I feel like it may be too late. I feel a bit of regret, and maybe a little disappointed that I didn't invest in writing more essays.

This analogy made it more graspable for me though. I felt like in the last couple months I've just been writing, applying, and preparing for what may never to come (I applied to highly competitive fellowships and moderately competitive graduate schools) and now that things are happening I feel like I should've done more to apply for other fellowships too so that I won't have to take out loans.

I'm ranting.

@Coffee is my spirit animal I hope the you are feeling better, and it does sound like burning out. Though graduate school will always be there, and by the sound of it, you're are highly to get into your programs again if you reapplied. Why not take some time off to decompress?

[Coffee is my spirit animal]

@runjackrun and others.... thank you so, so much for your advice and I am very encouraged by the fact that others feel the same way!