Significant Others & Grad School

[striped]

Hi everyone, 

First, I would like to congratulate everyone who got into programs/programs of their dreams! I wish I could say the same for myself. 

Second, I wanted to open up a discussion about thoughts/input on relationships while in grad school/having a significant other in grad school. I have been with my boyfriend for about 3.5 years now, are living together, and consider ourselves pretty committed. We are both largely independent, aspiring intellectuals. He is pursuing law school and was accepted at one of his top choices, Cornell Law. I, on the other hand, was rejected from every program I applied to. He is starting school in late August and will be moving to Ithaca in July. We recently returned from a trip to Ithaca to see the campus/town, and while he loves it, I'm incredibly scared of it (coming from San Francisco, Ithaca seems like a good place to be murdered quietly, no offense! it's beautiful though). He wants me to move with him, but he understands it's a huge sacrifice for me, and we are both being very cautious about the position we will be putting each other in. 

He wants me to be with him because, of course, he wants our relationship to continue. BUT, he will be a new law student, where the hour commitment is some 70 per week, not including campus activities/clubs that he wants to engage in. Obviously he is worried that I will be upset that he won't be spending too much time with me. He wants me to "have my own thing" so I can be engaged myself and not be too upset about not being able to spend much time together. The thing is, because I'm a failure and didn't get into any programs, I won't really have my "own thing" besides a normal job, until Spring 2017 where I find out if I got into any programs upon reapplying. 

So, I can move with him and chance being quite unhappy due to not liking the small-town feel of Ithaca, combined with lack of time spent with my bf, but at least remain happy in that we're together, or I can diverge and either stay in CA or join the Peace Corps- either way, putting the relationship on hold (as we both don't want to break up). Has anyone every done this? Put their relationship on hold? What are your experiences?

So all of this is basically just trying to gauge where others are, and what's a healthy way to look at the situation. Obviously none of you know every detail, and it's hard to give specific advice about something so personal, but if you could share your experiences on being in a committed relationship while in graduate school (whether it's a grad program, law school, business school, med school) it would be really appreciated. 

 

[MedAnth077]

I just sent you a lengthy message reply, since I've been in a very similar situation before! Hope to hear from you soon. 

[GradSchoolTruther]

It would be nearly impossible to put a relationship on hold, but you can have a long-distance relationship. if you're not tied to the area with a good job, why not move and see what you can make of it? You can have a life there without him.

[ihatechoosingusernames]

I don't quite know how a relationship gets put "on hold," but I moved with my husband also after being rejected from grad school. I personally hated it, as I went from a huge city to a small town. I'm literally counting the days until I move away to grad school, and it'll be lovely to see this place in my rear-view mirror  It was good for the relationship overall, though. I took that time to improve my grad school application package by volunteering in a lab at the nearest university and getting a job as a research assistant. Not only did it improve my CV, but I was able to get involved with like-minded people that way too. 

It took me a while to find "my own thing" after moving to a totally new place, but it was doable. Plus, sometimes it's good to move outside of your comfort zone, challenge yourself, and see a new part of the country  Fall is gorgeous up in Ithica! It also looks like Cornell Law/the graduate college hosts events for students with spouses/long term partners. This could also be a way to get plugged into the community and meet other people who are new to the area as well. You can volunteer or audit courses as well.

[birchleaf]

I'm writing this on the Cornell bus back to Ithaca from NYC. As someone who moved from a mid-size town to Ithaca, it was difficult to adjust. Plus, your boyfriend is right that you need your own "thing" while he's absorbed with law school. Is it possible for you to get a job with the university? Ithaca is also very safe, and unless you decide to wade into one of the gorges, I think you'll be okay! If you have any questions about the town, feel free to message me!

[catcatcatdog]

On 4/17/2016 at 0:19 AM, striped said:

He wants me to move with him, but he understands it's a huge sacrifice for me, and we are both being very cautious about the position we will be putting each other in. 

He wants me to be with him because, of course, he wants our relationship to continue. BUT, he will be a new law student, where the hour commitment is some 70 per week, not including campus activities/clubs that he wants to engage in. Obviously he is worried that I will be upset that he won't be spending too much time with me. He wants me to "have my own thing" so I can be engaged myself and not be too upset about not being able to spend much time together.

So, I can move with him and chance being quite unhappy due to not liking the small-town feel of Ithaca, combined with lack of time spent with my bf, but at least remain happy in that we're together, or I can diverge and either stay in CA or join the Peace Corps- either way, putting the relationship on hold (as we both don't want to break up).

And what do YOU, on your own, want?

[striped]

Thank you everyone for your responses! 

@GradSchoolTruther It is quite difficult to put a relationship on hold, but what I mean by this, is sort of understand that we will be broken up, but have the desire to come back to each other once the dust settles. I'm not that keen on doing this, however, because I think the whole point of being in a committed relationship is being able to rough the tough spots together and not just do the easy thing and stay apart. But, I also realize that there are a lot of benefits to giving people space and time to figure themselves out, so they can come out of it as a better or more whole individual. 

@ihatechoosingusernames You raise a lot of good points. There are many opportunities for people who aren't necessarily admitted in a program- I guess it's easy to get distracted with one's failure to get into their program of choice, and feel like there aren't any academic opportunities outside of it. But, there are, as you've pointed out, and I will definitely keep that in mind! I'm happy to hear you were able to make things work with your SO even though you hate the small town. I would be in a similar position. 

@birchleaf That bus ride is so long! I took it from NYC and back with my BF so he could go to ASD and so I could see Ithaca. It's nice they have the bus running so frequently- makes it feel like one isn't so isolated after all. I know I need to have my own thing and all, and I'm definitely open to admin jobs, I just wonder if it's necessary for someone in grad/med/bus/law school to be in a relationship with someone else in a comparable school- I'm wondering if it puts a strain on the relationship when one person is super invested in their rigorous academics, and the other is just sort of getting by until their "thing" comes along, ya know? 

@catcatcatdog I feel a smidge embarrassed that I didn't catch all the times I wrote "he wants". I didn't intend for that to happen, but I guess it shows where my subconscious is at! Truthfully, I do value what *he wants* more than what I want, and that's not good nor healthy (i do know this). I just really, really don't want to be a burden upon him- I love him so much, and even though he loves me a lot as well, I would rather breakup than make him miserable/add to his misery and burden in law school. I want to be sure that me moving out there with him is not only good for me (because honestly I would follow him anywhere), but it's good for him. I don't think he thinks about things like that, or at least, he doesn't want to, because it might lead to some unwanted or tough decisions. Maybe we're both immature for all the reasons I've pointed out here. In short, what I want is this: I want it to be okay to follow him- and my life will definitely diverge from my original path, and I want that to be okay. I feel like so many people have told me (including my bf) that individuals in couples need to be totally individual and have their complete separate lives outside of each other in order for the relationship to flourish. I don't agree with that. I think largely people should "have their own things"; codependency is NOT the answer and is very unhealthy. But I also don't see what's wrong with adjusting your plans for someone you love. Not giving up your plans- just tweaking them. 

[knp]

1 hour ago, striped said:

...I just wonder if it's necessary for someone in grad/med/bus/law school to be in a relationship with someone else in a comparable school- I'm wondering if it puts a strain on the relationship when one person is super invested in their rigorous academics, and the other is just sort of getting by until their "thing" comes along, ya know? 

You realize most people never have a "thing", right? Believing in having a "thing" is something, in my experience, that seems to be peculiar to those of us with major educational aspirations...most people don't actually think about jobs in terms of life-defining career passions. Having an okay job and coming home and investing in your hobbies, family, and/or friends is a perfectly happy and healthy way to live, and that is in fact how most people—those who aren't in poverty—live! If you want that, you are not wrong or unusual for wanting that. And many happy people without a "thing" are married to other people who value hobbies and stability more than rapid career advancement, but some number of those people are also married to high-powered-career-type individuals. Most academics are not married/partnered to somebody from a "comparable" school. They spend their lives with all sorts of people! The "comparable" school thing a very small pool, and with the whole diverse world of human experience, why would you constrain your heart like that?

Anyway, I don't mean to discount your doubts: it's definitely possible that you will be unhappy dating your boyfriend while you are still looking for your "thing." I can't answer that for you. But that's only one possibility—I want to affirm for you that that's not universal, so you could also be perfectly happy deciding that your "thing" is having a nice life, a nice job that never follows you home, and all the other perks that follow from stability and free time. It might totally be an awkward year before you get in somewhere! But it could also be totally fine.

As somebody who spends a lot of time fighting the your-career-is-your-life thing in Type A circles, even as I somewhat participate in that myself, I have a prescription that I think would help. Find some media where some of the main characters find happiness outside of their career. My first suggestion would be Parks and Rec. I can't think of a lot of other suggestions right now, but basically, you're looking for the opposite of the West Wing. 

That's because "I feel like so many people have told me (including my bf) that individuals in couples need to be totally individual and have their complete separate lives outside of each other in order for the relationship to flourish" makes me feel like you are getting ONLY the "passion! career! job! work!" messages. If that's so, I think you'd have an easier time deciding what you want if you had media that affirmed that you can be happy without being "rah rah career" every month of your life, to balance out the input you're getting. It's not like "passion! career! whatever!" is bad, at all! But there's many ways to be, you know.

[TakeruK]

43 minutes ago, knp said:

You realize most people never have a "thing", right? Believing in having a "thing" is something, in my experience, that seems to be peculiar to those of us with major educational aspirations...most people don't actually think about jobs in terms of life-defining career passions. Having an okay job and coming home and investing in your hobbies, family, and/or friends is a perfectly happy and healthy way to live, and that is in fact how most people—those who aren't in poverty—live! If you want that, you are not wrong or unusual for wanting that. 

...

That's because "I feel like so many people have told me (including my bf) that individuals in couples need to be totally individual and have their complete separate lives outside of each other in order for the relationship to flourish" makes me feel like you are getting ONLY the "passion! career! job! work!" messages. If that's so, I think you'd have an easier time deciding what you want if you had media that affirmed that you can be happy without being "rah rah career" every month of your life, to balance out the input you're getting. It's not like "passion! career! whatever!" is bad, at all! But there's many ways to be, you know.

Just want to second all of this  

You are allowed to do what makes you happy! For some, this means putting a relationship or a non-career priority first. For others, the mere thought of compromising their best career option for another person makes them ill. Neither way is correct nor incorrect. You can and should place value in what you yourself value, not what society, or family, or friends, etc. tell you. (Easier said than done, of course). But here's another voice affirming that it's okay to want something that isn't career based

[knp]

On 4/17/2016 at 0:19 AM, striped said:

The thing is, because I'm a failure and didn't get into any programs...

Oh, I missed this the first time!

Nooooooooooooooooo.

Do you go around calling your friends a failure every time they get rejected from a job? (Most jobs are hard to get, and they still have higher acceptance rates than most graduate programs!) Personally, I'd pick a huge fight if one of my friends called another friend a "failure." And while I'd pick that fight whatever the reason for the comment, I'd especially do it if the reason was that our other friend had something ambitious. Even if it didn't work this time, you gotta admire the effort! Be as nice to yourself as you would be to your friends.

A clarification that it's not that I don't acknowledge when things go poorly...I took three years off myself, one of which could best be described as "a total and utter failure." When I was on my grad school visit days this time, I always made a point in summarizing my biography to say "I tried to do x, and I failed. Then I did y and now I am here." Anybody who was uncomfortable with that could step back; everyone's human! But I failed at that task in particular. I was not a failure. And neither are you.