Really feeling bad about starting grad school

[throwaway19]

Hi everyone. This is a throwaway account because I'm identifiable by my main account. 

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Basically, I feel like sh*t, and for no reason. I got into 6 fully-funded top-50 PhD programs in my field and will be attending a top-15. I won an NSF, have two publications, got Phi Beta Kappa, and won a very good award from my undergrad department. I feel like I don't deserve any of this, like it was all luck or an accident. I feel less accomplished than others in my cohort, especially since I'm one of the youngest. 

I graduated in December and have been living at home and working an RA job from home. I went to undergrad less than an hour away from home, and I'll be going to the closest "good" school possible in my field, only 4 hours away. All of the others were 8+ hours away. Still, I've never been this far from home. Never studied abroad or anything. I feel stunted. I lived at school all through undergrad and was fine. Now, every time I think of moving, I get all panicky. I cannot bear the thought of it. I'm living in a constant state of anxiety and fear - not only of moving, but also of not being able to survive my program, of not being good enough. I wish I could defer for a year, but with my NSF, that's not possible. Besides, it might make things worse. 

I am very close to my widowed grandmother and see her everyday, and since my parents' divorce, I've gotten very close to my mother, whom I live with now. I'm so worried about leaving them alone. I don't want them to be sad. I also am afraid of having to cook and clean and do all of this stuff for myself, even though I've done it all before. I tried to find a roommate but have failed so far. Besides, I have enough money to live alone and do in fact prefer it. I just don't want to feel lonely. I tend to isolate myself in a new place. I hate moving and starting over and meeting new people, and I feel so comfortable here at home. Sometimes I feel so bad about all of this and want to just forget about the whole grad school thing and just live a quiet and simple life forever. Yet I know I would hate that so much in the long run. I know I would be wasting so much that I've worked for, even though I don't feel like I deserve what I have. I feel like a loser whenever I try to talk to anyone about this; they've all gone abroad multiple times and went to college very far away from home and whatever else. I feel like something is wrong with me for feeling so afraid. But I am so terrified of this new chapter in my life, and I don't know how I'm going to enjoy, or even survive, these next few months of my life. I'm going to be a nervous wreck, and I'm going to ruin the time I do have left at home. For so long I thought I wanted to get away, but now that the time is almost here, I want nothing more than to stay. 

Sorry for all the rambling, I just needed to vent. I think this is mostly all just fear of growing up, but it just feels overwhelming. 

Edited May 21, 2016 by throwaway19

[sjoh197]

Moving on to a new phase in your life is always hard. Some people take it in stride... and some people don't.

So lets tackle this one point at a time. 

22 minutes ago, throwaway19 said:

I'm living in a constant state of anxiety and fear

This is something that should be tackled on its own regardless of the causes. Go to your doctor. Ask for help managing your anxiety. Also read up online about ways to reduce anxiety at home. For example, getting enough sleep, going to bed and eating around the same times each day, staying hydrated, not watching anxiety inducing tv and movies, listening to peaceful music before bed... etc. 

24 minutes ago, throwaway19 said:

but also of not being able to survive my program, of not being good enough.

This is just the classic impostor syndrome. If you look through the old threads... there are tons of people with impostor syndrome. It's a thing. You have great creds, and were selected for a reason. You are obviously good enough, or you wouldn't have gotten in to 6 fully funded programs. Shit, I still don't have funding info, and only got accepted to 1 place. 

26 minutes ago, throwaway19 said:

Now, every time I think of moving, I get all panicky.

This goes back to the general anxiety. So my first question is... have you actually talked to your mom and grandma about these fears? Have you sat down and told them you don't want them to be sad, and that you are really going to miss them? My mother was actually a professor at my undergrad. We would get coffee at least 3 times a week. And see each other on weekends and holidays. Now I live in a different state. I only get to see her around christmas-time. But you know what, we still talk on the phone 3-4 times a week usually. And facebook message funny things. And text each other the weird things we see throughout the week. I still feel like my Mom is my bestfriend. Our communication is just a little different now. 

If you are really actually close to your mom... you will find a way to remain close, even with the distance. Same with your grandma. If she's not already tech savvy... teach her before you leave. Teach her how to facetime, and how to text. Set up a time of week where you guys can typically talk. Make a schedule. 

 

30 minutes ago, throwaway19 said:

I have enough money to live alone and do in fact prefer it. I just don't want to feel lonely. I tend to isolate myself in a new place.

This is something that only you can change. You will have to make an effort to attend functions, and meet people. Whether its through school activities, or groups like meet-up where you find people who share a hobby and then go out and do it with them. 

Also... maybe getting a pet would help. But that is a huge responsibility that is not to taken lightly obviously. 

32 minutes ago, throwaway19 said:

Sometimes I feel so bad about all of this and want to just forget about the whole grad school thing and just live a quiet and simple life forever.

Also... one of the quotes that I try to live by at this point in my life is that "I would rather look back on my life and regret some of the things that I've done, than look back and regret all of the things I could have done, but didn't"

New stuff is scary and hard. But that is part of living and growing and a person. Do you really want to not grow as an individual, and then spend your later years wishing you had lived a different life? Things don't always work out, and everyone will have regrets, but I would rather mine not be over things that I had the power to change, but was too scared to. 

[Pink Fuzzy Bunny]

Are you me? You sound like me. Also was published many times as an undergrad, went to school an hour away from home, got the NSF, blah blah blah but never went far away from home. I cried every time I thought about moving because I was so close to my friends/family and especially professors. Even the thought of never seeing some of them again would sometimes send me into a panic attack. As an undergrad I kept to myself because I didn't make friends easily, and really didn't have friends until senior year. It took me 4 damn years to meet people, and the thought of losing it just wasn't bearable.

But alas, 15 days ago the day came when I hopped in my car and drove 14 hours away with all of my stuff. I thought the trip was going to miserable - that I'd cry so hard I wouldn't be able to see the road through my tears, and that I'd spend the first few days in my new apartment just wishing desperately to go home. After all, that's how it was when I went from high school to undergrad. 

And you know what? I'm still waiting for the homesickness to set in. I haven't really made any great friends but I really love the grad students I work with. 

TLDR - I hyped myself up preparing to move to the point where I was considerably depressed beforehand. But it will not be nearly as bad as you think.

[day_manderly]

6 hours ago, throwaway19 said:

Hi everyone. This is a throwaway account because I'm identifiable by my main account. 

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Basically, I feel like sh*t, and for no reason. I got into 6 fully-funded top-50 PhD programs in my field and will be attending a top-15. I won an NSF, have two publications, got Phi Beta Kappa, and won a very good award from my undergrad department. I feel like I don't deserve any of this, like it was all luck or an accident. I feel less accomplished than others in my cohort, especially since I'm one of the youngest. 

I graduated in December and have been living at home and working an RA job from home. I went to undergrad less than an hour away from home, and I'll be going to the closest "good" school possible in my field, only 4 hours away. All of the others were 8+ hours away. Still, I've never been this far from home. Never studied abroad or anything. I feel stunted. I lived at school all through undergrad and was fine. Now, every time I think of moving, I get all panicky. I cannot bear the thought of it. I'm living in a constant state of anxiety and fear - not only of moving, but also of not being able to survive my program, of not being good enough. I wish I could defer for a year, but with my NSF, that's not possible. Besides, it might make things worse. 

I am very close to my widowed grandmother and see her everyday, and since my parents' divorce, I've gotten very close to my mother, whom I live with now. I'm so worried about leaving them alone. I don't want them to be sad. I also am afraid of having to cook and clean and do all of this stuff for myself, even though I've done it all before. I tried to find a roommate but have failed so far. Besides, I have enough money to live alone and do in fact prefer it. I just don't want to feel lonely. I tend to isolate myself in a new place. I hate moving and starting over and meeting new people, and I feel so comfortable here at home. Sometimes I feel so bad about all of this and want to just forget about the whole grad school thing and just live a quiet and simple life forever. Yet I know I would hate that so much in the long run. I know I would be wasting so much that I've worked for, even though I don't feel like I deserve what I have. I feel like a loser whenever I try to talk to anyone about this; they've all gone abroad multiple times and went to college very far away from home and whatever else. I feel like something is wrong with me for feeling so afraid. But I am so terrified of this new chapter in my life, and I don't know how I'm going to enjoy, or even survive, these next few months of my life. I'm going to be a nervous wreck, and I'm going to ruin the time I do have left at home. For so long I thought I wanted to get away, but now that the time is almost here, I want nothing more than to stay. 

Sorry for all the rambling, I just needed to vent. I think this is mostly all just fear of growing up, but it just feels overwhelming. 

First of all, read about imposter syndrome, because you definitely have it.

Then - nobody gets admitted for not being good enough.

Now, the most important advice: CELEBRATE. Go to a bar with your friends / family / special someone / yourself. Make it a memorable night. You need a mark in you mind that something has changed, that you are your own hero, that nothing will ever be the same. Get happy. Go for a picnic. Spend a week preparing for it, and then give yourself a big night.

Then, get over it. You deserve it. You have worked for it, hard. If you feel you did not spend enough hours working on it hard - whatever, it's not about time, it's about the results.

Do not defer, by all means (even if it somehow becomes possible). Go for it. Panic is normal - I was all panicky too when I moved. Things that help:

* travelling there often (at least thrice), checking the place out, making friends;

 * watching movies about great universities;

* sports. You need another accomplishment to make it roll - sign up for a 5k run or something like that;

* go travel somewhere new and exciting.

Be ready for a month of organizing work when you are in grad school, it's ok. Just make yourself busy, join one club or another. In a month into grad school it will be all right, regardless of how you feel now!

I would advise against reaching out to nameless community from your school - better ask people who you make friends with / like. Nameless community gives all sorts of feedback, and it's impossible to get prepared.

Edited May 21, 2016 by day_manderly
grammar

[bookofkels_]

As some one who moved across the Atlantic for grad schol, I get what you're going through 100%, and it is survivable. First of all know that you do deserve this opportunity and you're just as bright and promising as everyone else there. If you're worried you're going to struggle, that's ok, it happens. One of my friends gave me a great piece of advice (and she goes to Harvard, so I hope she knows what she's taking about!): "Once they've accepted you, they want you pass and graduate. They will help give you all the tools you need to succeed. It doens't look good for them to have graduate student failing out, so they wouldn't have accepted you if they didn't 100% feel you were qualified." 

As for homesickness, I didn't expect to get it really, at all, so I didn't talk to anyone about it. I wanted my parents to think I was "staying strong" and didn't want to upset them. But fuck that. I agree with sjoh197 completely- talk to your family about this, and talk about it once you've gone too. Set up weekly standing dates to skype and stay in close contact, it really does feel better. Write your grandma old fashioned letters if she's not on technology. My great Aunt still sends me cards like she did when I was in the states and it makes my day. Maybe start planning when they can come visit you, and then you'll have something to look forward to! Try to start planning this with your friends as well. 

No matter what you do you'll still probably feel homesick, and that's ok. Once and while its fine to just wallow in that. But remember you don't want to let them down. Your family is extremely proud of you, I'm sure. Whats helped me get through sometimes is thinking about how my mom didn't finish grad school, but has worked a damn hard job for the past 23 years instead, on top of being a mom. Everyone has their struggles. Your mom successfully raised an awesome grad student, now go be that awesome student! This is not to put more pressure on you, but even if you feel like an failure your family knows you're not, and they'll love you no matter what. 

Having a routine also helps me, as does getting excersise and fresh air. Even just a walk around the park can change your mood. Definitely join a club, a society or a sport. Feel out if any of your aquaintences or fellow grads are thinking about joining any. Having some one you know there can make it a lot easier and you can bond over this! Making new friends is also a LOT of simply putting yourself out there and akwardly saying "Hi I'm throwaway19, i'm from anywhere, where are you from?" Its totally painful, but gets less so the more you do it. Complimenting someone is also a great convo starter. Most people are willing to at least make polite small talk- and then you have an aqauintance to talk to if you run into them later-, even if you don't become life long friends, but you can make friends this way!

I know its terrifying and painful, but like you said, you've been gearing up to this for a while, I don't think you should let cold feel and these feelings stop you. They are very normal. And definitly talk to your friends and family, and maybe a professional, that's nothing to be ashamed of and they can really help people. Before you go, look into this service at your new university, so you have no excuses. And you don't have to think of this as leaving home forever. 4 hours its too bad. The semesters fly by and you'll be home for Christmas before you know it. xxx

[travelgirl125]

As someone who has studied/been abroad many times, I still get panicky whenever I have to leave home!  I am also very comfortable living at home in the area I grew up in and with my family nearby.  Each time I go abroad, even though I know it is my passion and that I am doing something to fulfill one of my dreams, I always get very nervous and anxious.  My boyfriend has even made a joke of it now, always pointing out that I'm nervous to leave, but two days into my trip I'm completely fine and enjoying myself to the fullest!  For me personally, it's the anticipation of things that get to me, not the actual event itself.  Maybe you're dealing with that, too.  You obviously have accomplished so many things in your life and have been faced with challenges that you've overcome.  This is just another one of those things!

My advice to you is the following:

• Seek professional help if you can.  Just talking to someone who has no bias whatsoever always helps me when I'm going through a rough patch.
• Focus on the present.  Even say to yourself, "I know this is bothering me, but I will let it bother me a month from now."  It gives you an out, so to speak - you can have fun now because you will "worry" about it later.  Chances are that it might not both you anymore at that point!
• Remember the following that I saw on an admissions blog for a graduate school that I applied to and will be attending in the fall: "Admissions doesn't make mistakes."  I attended my Preview Weekend and felt imposter syndrome, too - but you have to remember to have the confidence in the admissions department that they would not have accepted you if they did not believe you bring something great to the table AND that you have so much potential to learn.

I hope that helps!  Best of luck and remember that you are making the right decision to attend your program.  I bet if you chose not to, you would look back on that decision with regret.  A professor once told me that if you only stick with things that you know, you'll never be anyone except who you are right now.  You are destined for great things and owe it to yourself to try something new!