Advice on how to deal with a truly terrible classmate

[falala]

I'm looking for some advice about how to deal with a really awful situation that's come up in my program. Sorry that this is basically a novel, but please, I would really appreciate some help. 

Context: I'm in my second year, and I have two really close friends, A and B. They have both had a really hard year in a number of different ways, both academically and personally. They live together. This year, C and D entered the program. They live together, and while I originally thought I would be friends with both of them, C has turned out to not be a great person at all (D, however, I really like). C is basically an emotional sponge; she is always asking people to do things for her and asking for advice without ever giving anything in return. She's the kind of person who ask you how you are so that you can respond, "Fine," and then she immediately launches into a long rambling discussion of her emotional state. She loves to talk about herself, and seems to think she can never do anything wrong. Whenever something goes wrong in C's life, it's always someone else's fault. C has tried to be friends with everyone in the department, but most people are pretty fed up with her (I've heard about 90% of the department discuss how annoying/irritating/infuriating she is when she's not around). She's also had conflicts with professors and hasn't always fulfilled the requirements of her teaching (although she loves to tell everyone how amazing her teaching is and how she was a born teacher and....). She's smart enough to finish the program, but given her conflicts with others (especially professors) I'm not sure she actually will. 

The actual situation: C had sex with A while A was blackout drunk.

The short version: C told D the day after and tried to get D to absolve C of the guilt she felt, including C changing her story about how drunk she was and how she navigated consent with A. A few days later, D told A what C had said, and A said she was blackout drunk. A told us she was scared of C and wanted C to stop telling people in the department and to have C stop talking to her. B and I confronted C about what happened, asking her what happened that night. C admitted to use they had sex. When we told C that A had been blackout drunk, C got mad at us for insinuating that C had sexually assaulted A. We asked C to leave A alone, which C said she would do. This happened Friday, and it's unclear if C will actually honor it.

The long version: C and A went out out for drinks on a weeknight a few weeks ago near the university. I wasn't there, but A said that C was trying to flirt with some random guy and get him to come home with C. A could tell the guy wasn't that into C, but tried to be a good wingwoman. C ultimately got the guy the agree to come home with her, but C was worried that her roommate D would judge her for bringing a guy home, so C talked A into letting all three of them go back to A's place. B heard A and others come home around 3am that night. A remembers discussing going to her house, but nothing after that (A is working on her drinking, but does regularly get blackout drunk. I saw her the next morning on campus at 9am and she still smelled drunk, so I fully believe that she was black out drunk). B didn't realize there were multiple people at her house until the guy tried to come into her room instead of A's room. B told the guy he needed to leave. When B went into A's room to tell her, B found C completely naked in A's bed and A seemingly passed out with most of her clothes on. B said that C seemed pretty alert; she pulled up a sheet over her body pretty quickly and seemed cogent when B told C that the guy needed to leave. After the guy left, B went back to bed and didn't hear when C left, although it was sometime before 7 or so. B also texted me to tell me about the guy and seeing C naked. 

D told me, A, and B what had happened the next day with her and C. All of this paragraph is according to D, but I believe everything she told us. D ran into C the next evening, and asked C where she had been out so late. C immediately told D that A and C had sex the night before. C first said A and C had both been drunk, and D was a little uncomfortable with that. When C saw that discomfort, she changed her story, saying that they were both fine to consent. When D asked C how she knew that A was ok, C said that she had checked-in with A as things happened. C had another friend there as well, who told C that it sounded like C had done everything right. D did not say anything like that, and generally thought that C was trying to feel better about what happened. C also told D about B seeing C naked, and specified that A had been fingering C when B walked in (B said C and A weren't even touching when she came in). D felt uneasy about the conversation, and later told her partner that it sounded "rape-y".

D told us all of this a few days later. My immediate thought was that C was lying about having sex with A; B agreed with me. C and D have some weird tension where C is always trying to one-up D, and C knew that D found A attractive, so it seemed like C might've lied to try and show off to D. D said that she knew C had to be lying about some of it, since parts of it were inconsistent with one another and what B knew about what had happened. A was unsurprisingly really upset by hearing about this. A couldn't remember what had happened, but knew she was not interested in C and would not have consented to sex with C. A didn't express an opinion about whether or not C was lying, but I think she believed it had really happened. A told us that C had texted her the next day, asking if A was ok. They had texted back and forth a little bit, but C didn't admit anything sexual had happened, and it sounded to me like it could've easily been about whether or not A was hungover or not. 

After A found out what C had said had happened, A was super uncomfortable around C, to the point of having anxiety about seeing C. A tried to avoid C and the office for a few days. When A told B and me about how she was feeling, we tried to get A to talk to C with us. Again, I really thought C was lying, and it would be good for A to find that out. We were pretty sure we could get C to leave A alone by confronting her. A was reluctant at first, but agreed that we should talk to her. She kept changing her mind, though, and ultimately we decided that B and I would talk to C without A, but with the clear message of getting C to leave A alone. 

B and I spent a week trying to find a time when us and C were in the office. But we had somewhat opposite schedules, so whenever B and I had time and would try and talk to C, C would say she had somewhere to be. Ultimately, I emailed C asking for a time to meet with me and B, since trying to find a time hadn't worked at all. C agreed to meet with us the next day via email. 

However, C then saw me a few hours after agreeing, and demanded I tell her what the meeting was about. I was working on something when she started talking to me, and I kept working, while saying that we would talk the next day. C kept bothering me, so I told her I wasn't comfortable talking without B. C got mad and told me that she didn't want to talk if it was "going to be like this" and wandered off. C emailed us the next morning to say she wouldn't meet. 

I saw D that day, and she told me C had said that I had been rude, so therefore C wouldn't talk to me. I apologized to C via email in an attempt to get her to agree to meet. She sent me an email back to just me (I had been cc'ing B on all the emails) saying that she was sorry if she had hurt my feelings (for something she had said a few months ago that I had told her was inappropriate) and that we hadn't talked much (I avoided C like the plague, generally) and that it was weird that I had emailed her about meeting. I got her to agree to talk with us at the end of last week. 

I had made all these plans to be totally calm and ask a bunch of questions in the meeting with C. Of course, it did not go that well at all. B and I started by asking what had happened that night with A. C immediately told us she wouldn't tell us, because it was "personal". I had been hoping to get some idea of what happened before telling her A had been blacked out, but to get C to even say anything, we had to tell her that A didn't remember the night at all. C said she was surprised to hear that, but wanted to know why she had to talk about it with me and B, not A. I was hoping not to have to immediately tell her that A was scared of her, so we told C that A was uncomfortable talking to C. C tried to walk out at that point, saying that if A was uncomfortable, C would just start the conversation, so we told C that it wasn't just that A was uncomfortable, but that A was scared. C said she didn't understand why, so I asked her, "well, A has known she was blackout drunk and that D said you were saying you'd had sex. What do you think A has been thinking?" C got pissed at that and called me condescending. C told us that everything she had said to D was true, and that she'd told a few more people in the department about what had happened as well. We told her that A did not want to talk to her, or for C to keep talking to people about it, including people outside of the department. C said she could do that, and asked if there was anything else. I reiterated that trying to talk to A or talking about the situation would hurt A, and she again said she wouldn't. I think that's probably a lie; I'm pretty sure C went to immediately call a friend, although I hope it was at least someone from far outside the department. At no point, though, did C express any regret or sadness or anything about what had happened; she was just mad at me and B. 

 

A is still scared of C, but doesn't want to get the university involved at all. A doesn't trust that they can actually doing anything to C, and A is also worried about backlash from people in the department (we're pretty small, about 20 grad students). I'm planning to call the university safety hotline, because I'm scared for A at this point. But C is someone who is going to be in the department for the foreseeable future; we're on the quarter system, so the school year isn't even over. Her workspace is pretty close to mine (and A's and B's; we asked her to consider moving hers, and she said she'd 'consider it once the year was over'). D is also afraid of her, and D has to live with her; I encouraged D to call the safety hotline as well and she is willing to do so, but hasn't done it yet. I have already been largely ignoring C, but I'm worried about what she's going to do. I want to get the DGS or chair involved and I've tried to convince A that it's the best thing to do. But A will not budge, and I can't explain what's going on without giving away some details that A does not want shared. I want to respect A's wishes, but I also know there are some things that it's not okay to keep secret. 

Anybody have ideas about how to deal with this? I really have no idea how to deal with having an unrepentant rapist in my department. 

[sjoh197]

My true and honest suggestion would be to remove yourself from the situation unless some new threat of bodily harm that comes up against your friend. A,B,C, and D are all adults and will have to navigate this on their own. If they do so by acting like hormone enraged high-schoolers, then so be it. Support your friend in whatever way you see privately fit.

It is incredibly unprofessional for you to be involved in this drama.

As per the question, you are not really equipped to deal with this situation... ( And its not really your situation to deal with) So guide your friend to some campus resources and then stop involving yourself with person C at all.

[rising_star]

First, can I just say that none of this is your job nor is it your responsibility as a friend to any of the people involved? This is the kind of situation where professionals can and should be involved. In fact, they should've already been involved!

1) Don't involve the DGS or chair. This is way beyond their purview and doing so will have repercussions for people in your department (potentially including you).

2) File a Title IX complaint with the university. You can and should report incidents that you've heard about or witnessed, even if they don't involve you. You can make this report anonymously if you want. The Title IX investigator/coordinator will then reach out to the involved parties and investigate. The Title IX office has the power to get office spaces removed, to issue no contact orders, etc.

2a) If you want to be a good friend to A, I would encourage A to report what has happened to the relevant authorities (Title IX, women's health services in your city, police if desired).

Good luck!

[St Andrews Lynx]

As another point. Encourage A and D to make use of the university counselling services to talk through their feelings and deal with what has happened (in addition to doing what rising_star has outlined). It sounds like everybody involved is suffering from a degree of trauma - give A the time and space to process their feelings and come to their own decisions. If A decides she wants to keep silent and pretend like the whole thing never happened...that is her right to do so, even if you'd rather she didn't. 

The DGS and Dept Chair are there for issues related to the program (conflict with your advisor, requirements for completion, etc). An event that happened outwit the Dept is beyond their remit. It is also likely that they won't have had special training in how to deal with sexual assaults, nor are they bound to confidentiality. So even if those figures want to help...they may do/say the wrong things. 

C is somebody you are better off staying away from. You are unlikely to get closure or any kind of admission of guilt/apology from her. Don't interact with her beyond what is required in the context of your professional work. 

[TakeruK]

I agree with rising_star and St Andrews Lynx. Since you are probably not in a role where you must report all sexual assault incidents to the Title IX office, if you want to be a good friend to A, you should be there for A as A's support. Find out what A wants you to do and be their rock. No matter what A decides to do, it sounds like the near future will be difficult for them and maybe what they need from you the most is to be a solid support for them.

It's not your job to be the hero that fixes the problem, or your job to mend any relationship, and as I said above, not your job to report it, or to punish C, etc. etc. Your main job, I think, is to be a friend to your friend and be their support and let A make the decision for themself.

I also agree that this goes way beyond the DGS or anyone in your department. Unless A wants to you start there, the only person I would talk to is the Title IX coordinator (if A wants you to come forward with this information). 

One exception is that if you think C is a danger to the community and that by staying silent to honour A's wishes, C could end up hurting other people. This is a dilemma that would be very difficult, because you would have to choose between doing right by your friend and doing right by your community. 

Finally, take care of yourself too. At my campus, the counseling center is a confidential resource, which means you can go to these people with the description of the incident like you came to us here and you would have professionals talk you through how to process all of these conflicting thoughts and concerns and give you advice. A confidential resource like the counseling center means that they will not take action based on what you tell them (except for specific circumstances due to certain laws but I don't think they apply here). Note that Title IX offices are non-confidential resources. This does not mean that they will blab about the incident, "non-confidential" in this sense means that they will be very discreet but they will likely take action to protect the community if you tell the Title IX office about this.

[maelia8]

Related question, also about a difficult classmate with alcohol issues:

We have a military veteran who entered our program this year, and this person suffers from extreme PTSD. They are an alcoholic, and when they get drunk, they speak in a loud, belligerent manner and invade others' personal space while they tell graphic stories about their war experiences. Several (female) members of the department have complained that this person makes them feel threatened and/or uncomfortable, and is becoming a deciding factor when they contemplate attending departmental colloquia or working group meetings (many of the latter are mandatory for members). The issue has been brought to the chair of the graduate student association, who is about to pass it on to administration, but members of the association aren't sure what sort of action to request. Any advice? This person is in denial of their alcoholism, though several of their friends in the department have talked to them about their problematic behavior. Banning them from events with alcohol service would negatively impact them academically, but their presence is making others who'd like to attend the events uncomfortable. P.S: The behavior is NOT of a sexual nature, and is not considered sexual harassment.

[rising_star]

7 hours ago, maelia8 said:

This person is in denial of their alcoholism, though several of their friends in the department have talked to them about their problematic behavior. Banning them from events with alcohol service would negatively impact them academically, but their presence is making others who'd like to attend the events uncomfortable. P.S: The behavior is NOT of a sexual nature, and is not considered sexual harassment.

Why not just stop serving alcohol at events? 

[St Andrews Lynx]

On 2 June 2016 at 3:03 PM, maelia8 said:

Banning them from events with alcohol service would negatively impact them academically, but their presence is making others who'd like to attend the events uncomfortable. 

Ban them from the events until they sort out their alcoholism? If this person can't adhere to the professional standards of the grad program then they shouldn't be in the program.

It does sound like harassment. Maybe not "sexual" harassment, but it is unwanted behaviour that makes other people uncomfortable. 

[TakeruK]

I think that it's generally bad form to have regularly have academic/work/professional events that limit access to a group of researchers. Alcoholism is a serious health problem and I don't think it's a good idea to restrict a researcher's access to an event based on their own struggles. That is, I don't think it is correct nor productive for the department to "bar the student until they get their alcoholism under control" because it's not the department's purview nor ability to judge whether or not the alcoholism is under control. We should give agency to those who are in trouble and let them decide for themselves.

Of course, I am not excusing the person's behaviour. I'm just pointing out that instead of seeing this person as a problem and trying to remove them, we should view the alcoholism as the problem (not the person) and try to help the person defeat the problem. 

Ideally, removing alcohol from important professional events is a good idea. I can see why many people do not want this though and in this case, separating the two aspects could work. For example, hosting a wine & cheese reception after a seminar, so that someone who needs to not have alcohol can still go to the academic/professional part of the event and leave before the social part. I understand that a lot of important networking happens at the "after" reception too though, which is why it's not an ideal solution.

In general, I just think that academics should stop romanticizing the idea that great breakthroughs happen when two academics get meet up at a bar and come up with the idea over drinks. There are lots of ways to network, brainstorm and collaborate without alcohol. I'm not saying all alcohol events should be banned, but that it is important to have variety. So that if someone doesn't want to drink for health reasons or religious reasons, or whatever, they don't have to feel excluded. Or, for example, if someone is trying to conceive or is already pregnant but they don't want their colleagues to know, then a professional event where drinking is encouraged could be awkward. I'm not against alcohol altogether, just the bad combination that I see a lot in the sciences where alcohol is available, drinking is idealized/romanticized, and there is pressure for people to drink (i.e. people coming up to a person who isn't drinking and saying something like "oh, why don't you have a drink in your hand?" or jokes that promotes drinking to excess etc. that are commonly heard in academia).

[St Andrews Lynx]

If the person is in denial about their alcoholism, how do you convince them that they have a problem which needs to be fixed? At the risk of flippancy, it sounds like from Maelia's description that the person has already made full use of their agency to decide that they don't have a problem and continue with their current behaviour. 

Does it matter if a person is creating a hostile work environment because they have an untreated medical condition, or because they are a (healthy) asshole? From an HR standpoint I'm not convinced that it does - simply because there's an explanation behind every act of harassment, discrimination or micro aggression in the workplace, and I don't think it is the place of the employer to decide that a particular act of harassment can be mitigated/weighted differently based on individual circumstances. Nor are employers obliged to fix underlying problems. They can point you in the direction of counselling, cover addiction treatment under their insurance program, etc...but it's up to you to make use of that. 

I agree that banning this individual from public events isn't a nice option...but maybe it would be a wake-up call to this person that their behaviour is a problem? Though, that said: this person is an alcoholic, are they getting drunk at other times (i.e. not just at Dept-sponsored seminars)? If they're going to use the absence of alcohol at seminars to get drunk(er) at lunchtime instead, has the problem really been dealt with?

 

[Apogeee]

Remove yourself from this situation. Just do your own work, and don't let people bring you into their drama. If you are asked directly for help, suggest that if the person is genuinely afraid for their well-being, they contact the police immediately. If they don't follow up on your advice, stay out of it. If someone doesn't ask you for advice, then don't give it. If you believe a crime has been committed, report it. Don't talk about it with others: report it. I also suggest that you find a way to delete your main post. Even without names, publication in any way could hamper the wheels of justice trying to help the person who asks for it. 

Also if you report this to the police, as with all writing in graduate school, just stick with the facts that you have observed. If you haven't observed anything, then it's not a fact. If a victim told you he was victimized, that's a fact, as their firsthand report is something you have observed. Do not jump to any conclusions based on what people are saying about someone else.

[juilletmercredi]

I renamed your people with names because that's easier for me to manage than letters - Alice, Bobbi, Carol, and Dani.

To be quite frank, this has nothing to do with you (or Bobbi, it sounds like). The original situation is between Alice and Carol. The roommate situation is between Carol and Dani. l You can be a good friend to Alice, but you can't force Carol to talk about it, and you can't decide for Alice what she should do re: reporting. Your job as a friend is to simply be supportive, be a listening ear, and be willing to help Alice access resources if she decides she needs them. I would definitely encourage her (and Dani, maybe) to access the counseling center and speak to a professional, because a professional can help her decide what to do. Alice especially sounds like she needs some help because she regularly gets blackout drunk, and that's a general life problem. But you should not be trying to coerce or convince Alice to report Carol - that should be her decision and her decision alone, and putting pressure on her might alienate her from you.

Second of all, you can file a Title IX complaint if you want, but every single piece of information you have about this is second-hand AND note that if the office decides to open an investigation, they may contact Alice. You can file an anonymous complaint, but I think it'll be pretty easy for Alice to figure out who reported it based on the information included. So you have to decide if you want to make that complaint, knowing that Alice may eventually find out that it was you AND knowing that it may force Alice to speak to investigators, even if it's only to tell them that she won't discuss the matter further.

Also, I'm not sure why you guys hang out with Carol or include her in your stuff, but it sounds like you'd be a much more functional group of friends if you just cut her off completely (regardless of whether this is because Carol is actually terrible or because you all just have an extreme dislike of her, or both). But you can't expect Carol to rearrange herself to avoid you so you have to rearrange yourselves to avoid her. For example, if you want to sit away from Carol in the student lounge, request to have your desks moved; don't try to force Carol to move away from you. That's usually how it works anyway. You don't have to be rude about it, but you can be straightforward: "I've/We've decided that things are better if we don't socialize with you." if she asks you to hang out or go somewhere.

As a side note, I always think it's a bad idea to say you want to meet with someone without telling them what it is, and it's especially shady when that person asks you what the meeting is about and you refuse to tell them. It's especially weird when - by your admission - you don't talk to the person that much anyway. My response would be to refuse to meet with you until you told me what the meeting was about.

[rising_star]

On 6/3/2016 at 5:01 PM, TakeruK said:

I think that it's generally bad form to have regularly have academic/work/professional events that limit access to a group of researchers. Alcoholism is a serious health problem and I don't think it's a good idea to restrict a researcher's access to an event based on their own struggles. That is, I don't think it is correct nor productive for the department to "bar the student until they get their alcoholism under control" because it's not the department's purview nor ability to judge whether or not the alcoholism is under control. We should give agency to those who are in trouble and let them decide for themselves.

Of course, I am not excusing the person's behaviour. I'm just pointing out that instead of seeing this person as a problem and trying to remove them, we should view the alcoholism as the problem (not the person) and try to help the person defeat the problem. 

Ideally, removing alcohol from important professional events is a good idea. I can see why many people do not want this though and in this case, separating the two aspects could work. For example, hosting a wine & cheese reception after a seminar, so that someone who needs to not have alcohol can still go to the academic/professional part of the event and leave before the social part. I understand that a lot of important networking happens at the "after" reception too though, which is why it's not an ideal solution.

In general, I just think that academics should stop romanticizing the idea that great breakthroughs happen when two academics get meet up at a bar and come up with the idea over drinks. There are lots of ways to network, brainstorm and collaborate without alcohol. I'm not saying all alcohol events should be banned, but that it is important to have variety. So that if someone doesn't want to drink for health reasons or religious reasons, or whatever, they don't have to feel excluded. Or, for example, if someone is trying to conceive or is already pregnant but they don't want their colleagues to know, then a professional event where drinking is encouraged could be awkward. I'm not against alcohol altogether, just the bad combination that I see a lot in the sciences where alcohol is available, drinking is idealized/romanticized, and there is pressure for people to drink (i.e. people coming up to a person who isn't drinking and saying something like "oh, why don't you have a drink in your hand?" or jokes that promotes drinking to excess etc. that are commonly heard in academia).

This post is now awesome because there are two totally separate conversations happen. And I'm not helping by replying to both in the same reply but, it is what it is.

I agree with TakeruK that de-romanticizing the idea of academics drinking together is ideal. Want to know why? Because it's exclusionary even beyond thinking about those who may struggle with alcohol. In graduate school, I had several classmates who were Muslim and whose religious beliefs meant they did not go to spaces/events where alcohol was served. As a department, we had exactly two official events with alcohol each year and both of those were wine and cheese receptions after a major invited lecture. In other words, all classmates could attend departmental events (colloquia, workshops, symposiums, etc.) without having to choose between their religious beliefs and their professional development. I truly believe this is an approach more departments should take.

19 hours ago, juilletmercredi said:

But you should not be trying to coerce or convince Alice to report Carol - that should be her decision and her decision alone, and putting pressure on her might alienate her from you.

Second of all, you can file a Title IX complaint if you want, but every single piece of information you have about this is second-hand AND note that if the office decides to open an investigation, they may contact Alice. You can file an anonymous complaint, but I think it'll be pretty easy for Alice to figure out who reported it based on the information included. So you have to decide if you want to make that complaint, knowing that Alice may eventually find out that it was you AND knowing that it may force Alice to speak to investigators, even if it's only to tell them that she won't discuss the matter further.

Also, I'm not sure why you guys hang out with Carol or include her in your stuff, but it sounds like you'd be a much more functional group of friends if you just cut her off completely (regardless of whether this is because Carol is actually terrible or because you all just have an extreme dislike of her, or both). But you can't expect Carol to rearrange herself to avoid you so you have to rearrange yourselves to avoid her. For example, if you want to sit away from Carol in the student lounge, request to have your desks moved; don't try to force Carol to move away from you. That's usually how it works anyway. You don't have to be rude about it, but you can be straightforward: "I've/We've decided that things are better if we don't socialize with you." if she asks you to hang out or go somewhere.

I included only this part because I want to co-sign and agree with absolutely ALL of it. If you file a Title IX complaint, they probably will decide to open an investigation. At the same time, if you truly believe Carol is a danger to Alice or other students, I'm not sure why you're trying to bend over backwards to protect Carol. I can see wanting to protect Alice but, having been in a similar situation at one point, I decided to prioritize the safety of the many, file the report, and deal with the friendship consequences when they arose. Was it the right choice? Maybe, maybe not. But I've also witnessed what happens when no one reports and the attacker goes on to find other victims when perhaps they could've been stopped sooner. It's a tough decision. And, actually, @falala, you may want to speak to a confidential counselor yourself to run through the options available and talk through what you might want to do. 

And definitely stop including Carol in your stuff. She's clearly not a good friend to you or anyone else in your friend group. Inviting her to avoid her wrath/ire is silly. We're all adults so just don't invite someone you don't want to spend time around.

[maelia8]

@rising_star gulp, sorry for accidentally hijacking the thread ... should I take this somewhere else? 

@St Andrews Lynx the alcoholic person has actually been a problem at non-departmental events involving graduate students in the department (such as house parties) as well, and has been banned from a few houses and ceased to receive invitations to several others. They have not violated the bans, and are certainly aware that their behavior has been an issue, but they don't appear to be taking any steps to change that behavior, which is why this is sort of "strike 2," and why the grad association is considering official action.

@TakeruK The possibility of removing alcohol from department events has not been officially considered, probably because it would cause extreme outrage on the part of the majority of students who are very appreciative of their biweekly free beer and wine. Also, since this is the only person in the department (in grad student memory) who has had public issues with alcohol, the feeling is that they are spoiling everyone else's fun with their behavior. 

[rising_star]

@maelia8, having the conversation here is fine so no worries there. I do wonder though if there might be a reason to actually have a discussion within the grad association about serving alcohol at events. Just because only one person has a public issue with alcohol doesn't mean that there aren't others who also have issues with alcohol but are better at hiding it. Again, this may be based on my own experiences but I've known a number of alcoholics who you wouldn't guess have issues with alcohol at first glance.

Would people be upset about eliminating their free biweekly alcohol? Sure. But, if I were a nondrinker, I might prefer that the department spend less money on booze and more on better (or more frequent) food, an additional invited guest speaker, etc. I've actually had conversations about reducing alcohol served (or whether to serve it at all) as both a grad student and a faculty member. The conclusion in both cases has been that reducing or eliminating served alcohol can have a big impact on the budget, which makes it an easy item to cut when you need to save money or shift money from one area to another. I'm not sure how much alcohol your department is serving but, if you think of it as $150/event then you're talking about ~$2400 over the course of an academic year, which is enough money to bring in another speaker, have a special workshop, cater lunch for the department, etc. If you stop thinking of it as losing free alcohol and start thinking of it as all the other things which could be done with that same money and benefit all of the graduate students (and eliminate the issue of needing to sanction one particular student*). What you have right now is the makings of a situation where someone, necessarily, must lose because you've framed it as a group of people that will avoid going if Heavy Drinker is there versus just telling Heavy Drinker they can't attend. Both of those scenarios involve professional harm. But removing alcohol from all the events isn't going to cause professional harm to anyone. Just wanted to throw that out there.

 

*BTW, I really, really don't think it's the place of a grad student association to force a student to get alcohol treatment or to otherwise be ostracized from departmental events. Despite what you say you know about this person's awareness of the issue, you really don't know whether they're receiving counseling for this issue, if this is a symptom of other mental health issues, etc. I would say that even those in a clinical psychology program should avoid that sort of thing. Similarly, faculty and administration can't force a student to seek treatment for mental health issues. (I'd argue it would be inappropriate for them to do so given the stigma associated with mental health issues.) So tread lightly as a grad student and as a student association when trying to figure this kind of thing out. 

[maelia8]

@rising_star Thanks for the perspectives! I'll definitely bring some of these points up at the next association meeting  I definitely agree with you that it is none of our business to discuss the student's treatment or lack thereof - the reason that the possibility of removing Heavy Drinker from departmental events even came up was because it was requested by several of the parties who reported harassment at their hands. These folks really want something visible "done" about the issue quickly, so the grad association is in kind of a sticky situation (put on hold by the end of the term, but it will certainly arise again in the fall). There is actually only alcohol at one association-funded event per year - the rest comes from the department, and involves events the professors attend as well, so the possibility of removing alcohol entirely would have to be weighed in on by the professors as well. It can't hurt to bring the possibility to the table though! I'm sure it could make a difference.