When should I decline my offers?

[DBear]

I never thought this would happen to me (really, I didn't) but I've received a few admissions. I know for sure that I am going to decline two of these - and I know that it would be better to decline them sooner than later... but for one of the schools, they haven't given me any information on funding yet, so if I decline now, I can't use the "sorry, I've really wish I could go, but I've received a better offer." excuse.

The reason I'm declining is because I felt that another school had a stronger research fit - should I just say this? I'm usually really good at composing diplomatic and professional emails but I'm truly stumped because I've never had to write this kind of email before. 

I want to decline ASAP so the schools can move on with their processes, but I don't want to make it seem like I didn't even consider their offer seriously and burn bridges. 

Any advice would be much appreciated!

[fuzzylogician]

You should decline as soon as you've decided that you won't accept the offer. Generally I would only do that after I've received at least one other offer that is more attractive.* In your case, it sounds like you can go ahead and decline the offers you're sure you won't accept. I think that saying that you think that another school would be a better fit for your interests is entirely legitimate. If anything, I think many people would appreciate an argument from fit more than one from funding, although both considerations are obviously important. Mentioning considerations like location, employment opportunities for a spouse, etc. are also all appropriate at this point, if you choose to share that kind of information. Either way, I don't think you need to worry. Schools expect their strong applicants to have multiple offers, and I'm sure they'll appreciate knowing quickly and being able to move on to someone else on their list.

* More paranoid individuals might first accept an offer, then decline the others, so YMMV. I did as I advised above. 

EDIT: also, congrats on your offers!

Edited February 4, 2017 by fuzzylogician

[.letmeinplz//]

You won't be burning bridges if you are professional (don't be all "yo I got into MIT, why would I go anywhere else?" and you will be fine). Each application cycle they get emails from accepted applicants saying they are going somewhere else. The whole reason they accept more students than they have spots is because they know it will happen. Also I think "better fit" sounds better than "better compensation".

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

I agree with the above advice, but I wanted to take the opportunity to tell you congrats on having this problem! 3 admits and 4 without responses so far is amazing! <3 Also, thank you for being proactive about making this decision as I think it helps the schools and those who might be accepted from the waitlist.

[DBear]

@fuzzylogician Thank you, that's what I needed to hear! and thanks for the congratulations, I'm still super-surprised to be in this situation.I am on the "careful" side, too, so only posted this question after getting a formal letter from the school I wanted..  This whole process makes me so nervous that I can't even confidently seem to write an email.

@.letmeinplz// Now I'm tempted to be like "I got into XYZ, b*****s, see YA!" I'll try and not do that

@GreenEyedTrombonist Thank you! One of the main reasons I want to get this out of the way fast as possible so that we can ALL move on - this really is such a torturous process. I just want it to be all over soon. Every aspect of it.

[fuzzylogician]

Oh man, I still remember the first rejection email I sent, and it wasn't even to a school that was a particularly good fit so it made perfect sense to decline (in hindsight I don't know what business I had applying in the first place, nor why they accepted me...). My hands were shaking, it was the weirdest experience. But I also know I made the right decision and I think it was also right to do it quickly, once I made the decision. But yeah, it's really not like anything else, being unexpectedly successful at the end of a hyper anxiety inducing process. You should remember to celebrate. 

[Evie95]

I feel you...I'm on a similar boat...

I received two offers from my backup schools, and an invitation to the pre-admit visit weekend in March from my dream school. Although in the email, they said that all invitees could be accepted, and they have done so in the past, I am still nervous about the possibility of rejection. I want to let those two schools know my decision as soon as possible. But what if I don't get into my dream school? 

I thought having offers in hand would make me very happy, but it did the exact opposite. Haven't been able to sleep for days...

[DBear]

@Evangeline95 yeah, when my friend got admitted into multiple programs last year and said it wasn't so great, I thought they were being mean for saying that but now I feel the pain. 

@fuzzylogician how do you feel about mentioning which school you chose? I'm not in a position to mention this at the moment, but out of curiosity and perhaps future reference...

[TakeruK]

Just to add a few things to fuzzy's excellent advice.

I would encourage people who are considered the "paranoid" route of waiting to make the final decision and accepting before declining others to reconsider. If you have 7 offers and you know your top 3, you can decline the other 4 without waiting to accept. You are well within your rights to wait until you make your final final decision, but if it's a really hard decision, it might take awhile (and more conversations with people). So in the meantime, you might want to decline the other 4. Some exceptions are if you are waiting for some other uncertainty (e.g. partner is waiting to hear back from other schools, etc.)

Also, I just want to point out that you often do get another chance to provide "feedback" in a more anonymous way after you decline. After some time, the grad school (not the dept usually) will send you a survey type thing where they ask you why you declined and what school you went to. Often, the drop down menu choices include things like "funding offered". They might even ask for the value of the funding you ended up accepting. I find that this is a much better way to give honest feedback. I think it's important to talk about money because if the low funding was truly the reason you declined, the school needs to know that in order to change for future students. Again, if you are worried that this info will somehow get back and hurt you, then don't answer it. But if you feel comfortable, I think it's a good way to give feedback you might not want to put in this email.

[DBear]

11 hours ago, fuzzylogician said:

Oh man, I still remember the first rejection email I sent, and it wasn't even to a school that was a particularly good fit so it made perfect sense to decline (in hindsight I don't know what business I had applying in the first place, nor why they accepted me...). My hands were shaking, it was the weirdest experience. But I also know I made the right decision and I think it was also right to do it quickly, once I made the decision. But yeah, it's really not like anything else, being unexpectedly successful at the end of a hyper anxiety inducing process. You should remember to celebrate. 

I sent out the emails last night after the advice here, thanks! Oh man, you read my mind. It was so weird and uncomfortable and felt like I was a teenager breaking up with someone. I really wished I could just get my BFF to tell them for me.... 

I didn't mention funding or anything and hope I get the chance to provide feedback like @TakeruK mentioned.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

[fuzzylogician]

14 hours ago, DBear said:

@fuzzylogician how do you feel about mentioning which school you chose? I'm not in a position to mention this at the moment, but out of curiosity and perhaps future reference...

I'm always confused by this question. You're applying for a PhD so presumably you want have a presence in your field. You'll have a website, you'll go to conferences, publish, etc. Your affiliation will appear in each of those places, and you'll be in your department's directory, as well. This is not secret information. Why would you not share it, if asked? 

[hopefulPhD2017]

19 minutes ago, fuzzylogician said:

I'm always confused by this question. You're applying for a PhD so presumably you want have a presence in your field. You'll have a website, you'll go to conferences, publish, etc. Your affiliation will appear in each of those places, and you'll be in your department's directory, as well. This is not secret information. Why would you not share it, if asked? 

@DBear Congratulations! I'm glad you figured out how to handle your dilemma. I'm always so appreciative of the advice of more experienced students on here.

@fuzzylogician, I believe that if you have not been to graduate school, it's hard to understand how close knit the scholar community is, and how your name gets out there. I have learned this from my friends who are professors and post-docs. Right now, going through admissions, I feel fairly anonymous and unknown. It only occurred to me quite recently that any schools that reject me, and those I decline as well, will still be in my orbit. And by "occurred to me" I mean that I imagined myself as a rock star scholar in six years, and the Ivy League faculty who did not return my emails or invite me to interviews shaking their heads and thinking, "Oh, we sure missed out not accepting hopefulyphD2017."

[DBear]

52 minutes ago, fuzzylogician said:

I'm always confused by this question. You're applying for a PhD so presumably you want have a presence in your field. You'll have a website, you'll go to conferences, publish, etc. Your affiliation will appear in each of those places, and you'll be in your department's directory, as well. This is not secret information. Why would you not share it, if asked? 

That makes complete sense, I just didn't know if it could possibly be misconstrued as me saying "I think X University is better than you guys." No one has asked so far, but won't feel too bad should the question come up. I don't know why, but this part of the process really keeps making me think of break ups and I think to myself, if a dude is leaving me for some other woman, do I want to know who she is, is he trying to rub it in?? Obviously the anxiety and self-doubt that has been embedded deeply in my soul is still there... Thanks for the help!!

[fuzzylogician]

47 minutes ago, DBear said:

"I think X University is better than you guys." 

If you say it right, all you're saying is "I think X university is better *for me* *given my current circumstances* than you guys". That doesn't need to mean you think the other university sucks, or you would have presumably never applied there in the first place. This is a decision a lot of strong applicants will face, and no one will take it personally if you choose to go to another school. And you are, in fact, exceedingly likely to see these people again at conferences and such, because academia is a small place. My experience has always been that people were very gracious and remembered me positively, even if I chose to go to another school. I just wouldn't worry about it. 

[DBear]

Thank you, @fuzzylogician that is reassuring. I think that's pretty much how I phrased it - now I just need to rebuild my self confidence and trust in my own judgement again. Til then, though, I'll probably continue asking questions here!

[holyghost]

Would anyone mind sharing how they phrased this type of email to an institution? I'm nervous about it!

[lkw1001]

Congrats on the acceptances!! I am in a similar spot so it is nice to get different perspectives on this issue.

[DBear]

On 2/28/2017 at 7:22 PM, peezybee said:

Would anyone mind sharing how they phrased this type of email to an institution? I'm nervous about it!

In the end I said something like -

Thank you so much for the offer, but I will not be able to accept. I'm still very interested in your work and look forward to reading your XYZ (usually an upcoming book or something) and hope that our paths cross. 

I kept it a bit vague, mostly because I thought it best to keep it short.  This is what I sent to POIs I had contacted while preparing applications or who had sent me emails after I'd been accepted saying they looked forward to working with me. Obviously the exact words were more polished

For the one school I got into that sent me a generic acceptance from the DGS, I sent the above email but without specific reference to the person's research.

Hope this helps!

Edited March 3, 2017 by DBear
woops, forgot something