Reapply next year... but when do I plan my wedding?

[th3redrabbit]

Hi fellow applicants,

I am sad to say I have been rejected from all 11 programs I have applied to this cycle. However, life must goes on! I do plan to reapply, but I've got a few different options to choose from. 

• Reapply to Ph.D. programs this year for F18 -- this is what I am leaning towards
• Post-pone reapplying and complete a M.A. in a related field where I currently work and do research, then reapply with my masters
• Accept a partially funded M.A. at one of the schools I applied, but it would be extremely expensive and I would have to relocate

Although I appreciate any thoughts on the options above, what I am really wondering is, when should I plan my wedding? I got engaged in Dec. of last year and I have not done any planning because of interviews and waiting to hear the admissions decisions. All of the places I had applied would have required a move across the country as well, which further complicated things. 

The wedding will likely be in north Florida/southern Georgia and we would like to have it in the "winter" to avoid some of the heat. We had our hearts set on early November, but if I reapply this year for F18 and get accepted, what would we do about the wedding if it was Nov. 2018? Would institutions be understanding about me flying back home for my wedding? Alternatively, we could get married next Spring, but then there is the possibility that I would have interviews, which could get really messy. 

If I post-pone reapplying, I could definitely just plan my wedding and work on some other projects I have been putting off, but I am hesitant to wait nearly 2 years to go to grad school at that point, especially with no guarantee the second time of applying would be the charm!

What would you do? Does anyone that is in grad school have any insights or opinions? As a person that likes to plan, this is giving me a headache D:  

P.S. I am happy to clarify any of the above information if it helps!

 

[th3redrabbit]

6 hours ago, Sigaba said:

You have no idea what kind of life events have proven to be "disruptive" to the order of things (real or imagined) in a graduate program. A department could have gotten burned by a graduate student or a professor or a staff member punting on his/her responsibilities by getting hitched, having an affair, having kids, going through a divorce, managing an illness, or hiding an addiction. (Or so I have heard.)

I recommend saying nothing about your plans to any of the programs to which you're applying or admitted. I would also recommend not disclosing the information to classmates, administrators, or faculty that doesn't sit on the graduate admissions committee. It is ultimately no one's business.

Just make sure that you're preparations for your wedding don't get in the way with your responsibilities as a graduate student. And if they do, it will be a reason but not an excuse for under performing. You can politely deflect questions about your private life in a way that is consistent with your values and your right to privacy. If you have an engagement ring that you wish to wear, think of (and practice) an answer to the question "When's the big day?" that works. Somehow.

At your discretion, after you've gotten married, you could disclose the happy occasion to classmates and members of the faculty. If you need to mend fences, you can just say that you were focused on your studies and didn't want your pending ceremony to be a distraction to anyone.

If you take this course, please understand that telling no one means telling no one. Graduate students gossip. Professors are generally better at keeping secrets but...

This makes sense, but if I need to miss a Friday and Monday of lectures or lab time, won't someone notice my absence?

[Forest Owlet]

I am not yet in grad school, but I was stuck in a similar situation a few years ago (though I had an offer then). Be like a gazillion percent sure about it if you decide to put grad school off by a year or 2 - you don't want to be holding that against your to-be spouse (as much as you know its your own decision, etc. etc.). I decided to get married and apply 'later'. Later turned out to be a solid 6 years later. Worked out fine (got some incredible experience, have landed some nice offers now), but it was a tough decision and there were moments when I regretted not taking up the original offer.

[eveline]

I'm sorry you've been rejected this cycle. If you don't need to restudy for GRE, would it be too hectic for you to plan a wedding for this Nov/Dec? Since you already applied, applying again shouldn't be too time-consuming? 

If you don't need to have a huge, perfect wedding, you'll probably be able to plan something by December. I'm from the Northeast and here (and probably everywhere), the hardest thing to pick tends to be the venue. The "typical" NJ/NYC wedding plan is getting a banquet hall that includes almost everything (like apps/entrees, drinks, utensils, chairs etc), so you just worry about invitations, photographer, and flowers, and clothes pretty much. If something like that's available in your area, I don't think it would be impossible or too stressful to plan a wedding starting now. Also luckily we live in the internet age and there are a wealth of resources available because our culture is so wedding-crazed! 

Of course I'm throwing this all out there without knowing if 2017 is actually an option for you. I suggest it because I cannot imagine being in the midst of wedding madness AND worrying about interviewing. OR, planning wedding AND be in my first year of doctoral studies. IMO, it would be much better to do everything separate. But everyone's different. One of my best friends planned her wedding in her first year of MD residency at a high-stress hospital working 80+ hours a week (though she had the privilege of not worrying about $$ at all). 

Edited March 11, 2017 by eveline

[th3redrabbit]

1 hour ago, Forest Owlet said:

I am not yet in grad school, but I was stuck in a similar situation a few years ago (though I had an offer then). Be like a gazillion percent sure about it if you decide to put grad school off by a year or 2 - you don't want to be holding that against your to-be spouse (as much as you know its your own decision, etc. etc.). I decided to get married and apply 'later'. Later turned out to be a solid 6 years later. Worked out fine (got some incredible experience, have landed some nice offers now), but it was a tough decision and there were moments when I regretted not taking up the original offer.

Well, putting things off for a year isn't much of a choice (at least as far as starting a Ph.D.), but I understand what you are saying. The wedding wouldn't be the only reason that I would consider postponing reapplying until F19, so I don't know that I would feel regret necessarily, but I do worry about putting it off for too long. I am 24 now and will be 25 this year. A lot of the applicants I met from this cycle are 21 and 22, so I don't know how it would feel to be doing this again when I'm even older. 

But, at the same time, if this is the career I want, it is better late than never. 

Thank you for the insight  

[th3redrabbit]

1 hour ago, eveline said:

I'm sorry you've been rejected this cycle. If you don't need to restudy for GRE, would it be too hectic for you to plan a wedding for this Nov/Dec? Since you already applied, applying again shouldn't be too time-consuming? 

If you don't need to have a huge, perfect wedding, you'll probably be able to plan something by December. I'm from the Northeast and here (and probably everywhere), the hardest thing to pick tends to be the venue. The "typical" NJ/NYC wedding plan is getting a banquet hall that includes almost everything (like apps/entrees, drinks, utensils, chairs etc), so you just worry about invitations, photographer, and flowers, and clothes pretty much. If something like that's available in your area, I don't think it would be impossible or too stressful to plan a wedding starting now. Also luckily we live in the internet age and there are a wealth of resources available because our culture is so wedding-crazed! 

Of course I'm throwing this all out there without knowing if 2017 is actually an option for you. I suggest it because I cannot imagine being in the midst of wedding madness AND worrying about interviewing. OR, planning wedding AND be in my first year of doctoral studies. IMO, it would be much better to do everything separate. But everyone's different. One of my best friends planned her wedding in her first year of MD residency at a high-stress hospital working 80+ hours a week (though she had the privilege of not worrying about $$ at all). 

Luckily, I do not need to retake the GRE, but, for a number of reasons, I will not be able to have a wedding this year. It does seem like the obvious answer, but just not feasible. 

Originally, if I had gotten in to grad school this time around, I was planning to wait until I was done with my second year in grad school so that the madness of courses would be over, but now that isn't really applicable. I do want a long engagement, but, even if I got in next round, that means I would be engaged for at least 4 years (if I waited until the second year of school), which was a little longer than I really wanted. 

I'm less worried about planning the wedding than actually being able to get away from grad school for a weekend to a week to actually have our wedding. If I don't have the wedding until Nov. 2018, then I could easily plan everything before I actually started grad school that year. I would just be worried that I wouldn't be able to have the time away. 

[Sigaba]

On 3/11/2017 at 6:07 AM, th3redrabbit said:

Would institutions be understanding about me flying back home for my wedding?

What would you do? Does anyone that is in grad school have any insights or opinions?

 

You have no idea what kind of life events have proven to be "disruptive" to the order of things (real or imagined) in a graduate program. A department could have gotten burned by a graduate student or a professor or a staff member punting on his/her responsibilities by getting hitched, having an affair, having kids, going through a divorce, managing an illness, or hiding an addiction. (Or so I have heard.)

I recommend saying nothing about your plans to any of the programs to which you're applying or admitted. I would also recommend not disclosing the information to classmates, administrators, or faculty that doesn't sit on the graduate admissions committee. It is ultimately no one's business.

Just make sure that you're preparations for your wedding don't get in the way with your responsibilities as a graduate student. And if they do, it will be a reason but not an excuse for under performing. You can politely deflect questions about your private life in a way that is consistent with your values and your right to privacy. If you have an engagement ring that you wish to wear, think of (and practice) an answer to the question "When's the big day?" that works. Somehow.

At your discretion, after you've gotten married, you could disclose the happy occasion to classmates and members of the faculty. If you need to mend fences, you can just say that you were focused on your studies and didn't want your pending ceremony to be a distraction to anyone.

If you take this course, please understand that telling no one means telling no one. Graduate students gossip. Professors are generally better at keeping secrets but...

[TakeruK]

I got engaged and married during the first year of my Masters program. Engagement was in the fall where I started my program and my wedding was in the first summer of grad school. In Canada, masters programs are basically the same as the first 2 years of a US PhD rather than a US terminal Masters. My partner and I had our wedding in our hometown but we were both living on the other side of the country. I flew back two times, at the end of each semester in order to do the few in-person arrangements necessary. We planned everything else from out of town though. The hardest part was the venue and once we picked that, they took care of everything, we just needed to pick a few decorative elements (colours, the menu etc.) but that was all easily done over the phone or via email.

For the ceremony itself, I took a week of vacation in the summer to arrive early and spend time with family before the wedding. It was also a good time to do last minute wedding things. This was not a problem at all because I would have taken at least a week of vacation in the summer anyways. In total, I took about 2 weeks of vacation in my first year of grad school. It was all done with my advisor's approval (since they were paying me!) but 2 weeks is typically the minimum amount of vacation time grad students get. The only tricky thing was that I had to take some of my exams in December and April a little bit earlier (like 2 days before the scheduled exam date) but the professors were understanding. I did ask them before booking the trip.

To answer your question, if I were in your shoes, I would plan the wedding for this winter (i.e. Nov 2017 to Feb 2018). It would be well before you start grad school and you can do most of the planning before you need to work on your applications for F18. But I don't know how big/complicated you want your wedding to be, and I don't know if winter is an insanely popular time for weddings in your area. Where I grew up, the winter is basically the quiet season for weddings, so you can get a venue with just a couple of months notice.