From confidence to fear

[katalytik]

I was pretty confident in the application process of getting in somewhere, but with all this information that I find in this forum and hearing about other acceptances.......I have lost almost all of my confidence. I am at a stable job, and I am luckier than most who are depending on an acceptance to continue their career trajectory. Yet, it's amazing to me how quickly my hopes have turned into fear. I've seen some of the more prolific posters also come into this situation. And the questioning becomes all too common:

1. I am good, but is there someone that much better?

2. What if they didn't like the way I dressed?

3. What are these committees weighting?

We start at all different places and end up in the same fearful boat......... I have in the past two weeks gone down the drain.

[johndiligent]

I'm in total agreement, and I think that the timeline is adding a bit of pressure that wasn't there previously. A couple of months ago, when I was working on my apps, no one could have cared less what I was planning on doing next year. No one asked me about it, really. But now that September is creeping closer and closer, the uncertainty of what's going to happen is really getting to me. Every time someone asks about my summer plans or what I'll do next year, I get a sudden shot of dread and anxiety.

The good thing is, right now, I'm so confident in across the board rejections that I'm much happier not knowing. I've even stopped checking the results and the online status because I just don't want to know.

[katalytik]

I'm in total agreement, and I think that the timeline is adding a bit of pressure that wasn't there previously. A couple of months ago, when I was working on my apps, no one could have cared less what I was planning on doing next year. No one asked me about it, really. But now that September is creeping closer and closer, the uncertainty of what's going to happen is really getting to me. Every time someone asks about my summer plans or what I'll do next year, I get a sudden shot of dread and anxiety.

The good thing is, right now, I'm so confident in across the board rejections that I'm much happier not knowing. I've even stopped checking the results and the online status because I just don't want to know.

Yes, that definitely adds to it. I told no one at work except my LOR people, so that does make it a bit easier. It must be a lot harder when people continue to ask...... would drive me crazy. I probably would simply say "no plans yet" and go hide in my office.

[Smaudge]

Ugh definitely.

I actually had a brief return to confidence earlier this week until I saw on the results page that one of my programs put out their first round interviews. And.. I've heard absolutely nothing from anyone.

I'm going to wait another week before completely descending into a crumpled ball of ice cream and anxiety, but I'm also mentally preparing myself for across the board rejection. Waiting sucks.

[coffeeandtoast]

I was pretty confident in the application process of getting in somewhere, but with all this information that I find in this forum and hearing about other acceptances.......I have lost almost all of my confidence. I am at a stable job, and I am luckier than most who are depending on an acceptance to continue their career trajectory. Yet, it's amazing to me how quickly my hopes have turned into fear. I've seen some of the more prolific posters also come into this situation. And the questioning becomes all too common:

1. I am good, but is there someone that much better?

2. What if they didn't like the way I dressed?

3. What are these committees weighting?

We start at all different places and end up in the same fearful boat......... I have in the past two weeks gone down the drain.

You just read my mind. I'm in the EXACT same situation. Two weeks ago, my husband and I were very confident, because I have excellent GPAs, decent GREs, excellent LORs (although no one from the field I'm applying to, so I don't know if you can call them excellent then), but then reading everybody's acceptances and the group of us that have not heard anything getting smaller here, I'm actually pretty depressed. Although VERY happy for those people who are well-deserving and have been accepted their second time around applying. In reality, only one of my schools has sent out acceptances and they have even said they're not done yet, so I shouldn't give up hope; however, I am. I see no reason why these adcoms would want me!

I also have a full-time job that pays well and I can just continue working if I get shut out. That is a privilege that many people don't have, so I do appreciate it. However, it still stinks that I may have to give up my dream to start my academic career and do something I really love.

Anyway, feeling pretty down. This weekend has been awful. Let's hope for some good news for all of us.

[snorri]

I'd like to dedicate this song to all of my potential programs:

[peppermint.beatnik]

I know this feeling, well, because it's the way I felt last year.

I applied to three Ph.D. programs in the U.S. As an international, it was the worst time to apply. All of my applications were due at the beginning of December, so by the time I knew the gravitas of the recession, it was too late. I didn't apply to any programs, in my own country, which was epically stupid.

I wouldn't say I was confident, because I'm never one for confidence, but not getting in was a shock. I wrote to all of the programs, to which I applied, in April. Two of the three didn't take any internationals, in 2009, the third was an Ivy school, so didn't loose any sleep over that.

December and January I pretty much forgot applications. In February I was filled with dread. March was a nightmare (I even got a rejection on my birthday). I was living overseas, at the time, and even turned down an invitation to go to St. Petersburg for the weekend. Now, of course, I'm like "what was I thinking," but I was a total self-absorbed mess. I recovered in mid-April after a minor identity crisis.

Now, I'm glad I went through all that. I still get nervous, but I have a better perspective. Someone on gradcafe, last year, said that they feel the only people that understand what they're going through (in terms of application angst) are on gradcafe. It's true, my family and friends have no idea how difficult and demanding this process is. In that sense, this year is not any easier.

I don't think anyone (and I mean anyone) can be too confident they are getting in. I've learned there are a lot of factors that have nothing to do with your strength as an applicant. Someone, who got in last year, said "I feel like I've one the lottery." I can totally relate. I'm still waiting, patiently, for my winning ticket.

[jaxzwolf]

I was pretty confident in the application process of getting in somewhere, but with all this information that I find in this forum and hearing about other acceptances.......I have lost almost all of my confidence.

I'm glad you posted this, because I feel the exact same way. When I was applying I was excited, confident, and eager to hear results. My curiosity piqued a couple weeks ago so I started doing internet searches that literally made my stomach drop... several of the schools to which I applied held interviews in early January. Students had been contacted by these programs as early as the week before Christmas. I've yet to hear anything from any program. I suppose in some ways it's better than outright rejection, but it's still depressing to think that I'm already out of the running at half of my prospective schools (all three of which were at the top of my list).

When I was applying I kept thinking of everything that made me a sure bet to get a spot somewhere- great GPA at a good undergraduate institution, decent GRE scores, solid research experience, working knowledge of a variety of field techniques, defined-but-not-too-defined research interests, good writing skills, stellar LOR, etc. I also emailed prospective advisers at each school and received encouraging replies. My undergraduate advisers boosted my confidence by saying things like, "I'll bet you'll have several choices. At least three schools, for sure!"

After reading about all the interviews/campus visits/acceptances people on this forum have already had, as well as gleaning information from other sites and current grad students, however, I've had a hard time convincing myself I have any chance of getting accepted anywhere. My hopes have been almost completely shattered, and I keep reminding myself now about all the things that will work against me. Maybe I haven't had enough research experience, I can't afford to visit campus to meet prospective advisers face-to-face, I didn't call prospects to speak with them, my GRE scores could have been better, I didn't apply weeks before the deadlines, I'll be out-competed, I aimed too high, I didn't apply enough places, etc.

My employment is short-term and I've been planning everything around the idea that I'll be starting school again this August/September. The "failed application year" isn't something I'm prepared for, and I can't even imagine how I'd handle the situation. I've been looking forward to grad school for years now, and waiting another year and a half to start would be an extreme setback.

It must be a lot harder when people continue to ask...... would drive me crazy. I probably would simply say "no plans yet" and go hide in my office.

My boss had been asking me every day if I'd heard anything. This week I politely told her I'd let her know when I received any notification, either way, and to stop asking. Every time she asked it simply reminded me that I haven't been accepted yet and likely won't be.

Edited February 7, 2010 by jaxzwolf

[alexis]

Every time someone asks about my summer plans or what I'll do next year, I get a sudden shot of dread and anxiety.

You totally nailed what it feels like. As if someone inserted a drug in my veins whenever I think about the whole thing...and not a good drug.

I think the only thing that keeps me sane and not feeling like a total failure so far is my professors' faith in my capability to be accepted to PhD programs. It's nice to have someone outside of yourself rooting for you (not including family and friends, since they aren't really knowledgeable about PhD admissions). It makes you feel like less of a crazy person for going after this thing. Of course, it is a small condolence after getting rejections, but at this stage, you take what you can get.

And jaxzwolf--I just saw your reply after I posted this--wow, we sound like exactly the same person.

*Sigh* I prefer to commiserate with people who are equally as miserable. Is that weird? Somehow it makes me feel better.

Edited February 7, 2010 by alexis

[solairne]

I'm getting more and more anxious, and I've noticed I'm getting crabby. I dream about acceptances or rejections almost every single night, and the first thing I do in the morning is pull my MBP off my desk and check online to see if I have any emails or if my schools have posted anything. Then I spend the rest of the day jumping when my phone beeps.

Also hearing back from just 1 school and it being a rejection doesn't help.

[Tall Chai Latte]

Someone on gradcafe, last year, said that they feel the only people that understand what they're going through (in terms of application angst) are on gradcafe. It's true, my family and friends have no idea how difficult and demanding this process is.

Yes.

I currently work as a research assistant at my alma mater during application cycle of Fall 2010 admission, everyone in the lab is either in their 3rd-5th year of grad school or already is a post doc, so this process is already far away from them. My boss was (half jokingly) pointing out that he was paying me to do research, not to apply to grad school when I expressed my intention to give out some of my workload to another coworker, who desperately needed for something to work on. It's great to know that there are people applying to grad schools with you in the cyber world, and can offer you helpful hints or share the worries from time to time.

[hairu]

I'd like to dedicate this song to all of my potential programs:

Oh, god, you're hilarious. And I love the song.

[tarski]

Every time someone asks about my summer plans or what I'll do next year, I get a sudden shot of dread and anxiety.

Yes, I hate the summer plan question so very, very much.

I've been having an interesting mix of confidence and fear these past few days because one of my schools has done some initial rejections, and I wasn't one of them.

[hairu]

Yes.

I currently work as a research assistant at my alma mater during application cycle of Fall 2010 admission, everyone in the lab is either in their 3rd-5th year of grad school or already is a post doc, so this process is already far away from them. My boss was (half jokingly) pointing out that he was paying me to do research, not to apply to grad school when I expressed my intention to give out some of my workload to another coworker, who desperately needed for something to work on. It's great to know that there are people applying to grad schools with you in the cyber world, and can offer you helpful hints or share the worries from time to time.

You already got accepted to three schools, what do you mean you share worries?

[pea-jay]

I must admit I am getting more anxious, especially since I put all my grad school eggs in just two baskets in one city and starting to read about others responses back from their respective applications. My friends, family, boss and two coworkers all know about my plans and I really don't want to have to explain why Im not going. At least I know non-responses are still ok at this point. Each week ramps up the tension though

[Tall Chai Latte]

You already got accepted to three schools, what do you mean you share worries?

that's before i got in.

[Tall Chai Latte]

You already got accepted to three schools, what do you mean you share worries?

that's before i got in. ok, sorry about that... maybe i commented on the wrong entry.

[chocker]

few days ago my thoughts were "why I am not even getting a decision, doesn't matter if it's a rejection"

Now when I see that 7/10 schools haven given their decisions, I am scared of getting those rejections.

[grad_wannabe]

I know the feeling of the rapidly depreciating confidence level. I've started giving myself anti-pep talks: "You don't want to get in there, anyway! It's too cold there! Phooey on them!" to prepare myself for complete and total rejection, even though none of my schools have sent out any decisions yet. It must be hell once decisions from your schools start popping up on the results search.

My mom said to me the other day, "Oh, honey, you got an envelope from [a school I applied to] in the mail today." I RACED over to the table, heart thumping out of my chest, only to see that the envelope held nothing more than a measly brochure. According to the results page, that program typically sends all its interview invites out during the next two weeks, so ... I'm gonna be tossing and turning a lot.

[snorri]

Oh, god, you're hilarious. And I love the song.

Thanks, hairu! I find humor to be my most effective coping mechanism.

[anxiousmike]

Ugh this thread title is all to fitting. Every one of my 13 schools says they'll give decisions in March. However this board has made me nervous that in actuality they give the accepted students their decisions much sooner! Ahhhh!

Edited February 7, 2010 by anxiousmike

[Katzenmusik]

I've handled this by convincing myself I'm not going to get in anywhere and coming up with fun Plan Bs. This approach may have backfired, though. My Plan Bs seem kind of exciting. Do I really even WANT to go to grad school?

[artist_lily]

I've handled this by convincing myself I'm not going to get in anywhere and coming up with fun Plan Bs. This approach may have backfired, though. My Plan Bs seem kind of exciting. Do I really even WANT to go to grad school?

Hahaha, love it! I've been having the same exact (half-joking) thought: now that I've invested so much energy into making these Plan B options sound as appealing as a cloudless summer day on the French Riviera, how could I even THINK of turning my back on them to go to grad school? Let's only see what happens when I actually have to USE one of these (speciously) attractive Plan Bs; I'm praying that my wild imagination won't fail me then!

[adri86]

Quoting tarski:

"I've been having an interesting mix of confidence and fear these past few days because one of my schools has done some initial rejections, and I wasn't one of them."

(my comp is effing up and I can't get the regular quoting command to work)

Hey tarski,

I am in the same boat! I got a little rush from noticing that I was not in the initial round of rejections from one program, but fear has rapidly resumed its position as the dominating emotion.

Best wishes!

Edited February 8, 2010 by adri86

[artschoolhopeful]

Art history decisions are notoriously slow. I wasn't going to start commenting on the board, but I'm so anxious all the time that I figured that exchanging thoughts with others in the same boat may ultimately calm my nerves.

I am almost certain I will not get in anywhere with funding this year and it breaks my heart. I put much blame on the budget crisis. I have told myself this however--if I miraculously get in I will 1) Buy a reasonably priced piece of artwork for my future apartment and 2) Find an apartment to sublet/stay in Paris for one month so I can read and eat baguettes with fancy cuts of cured meat. I might opt for just one or the other but I constantly fantasize about both.

OH and the worst part--I'm currently abroad and listed my phone number as either being my US cell phone number or my house phone so if anyone calls me or mails a letter to my house I WON'T EVEN BE THERE AND MY PARENTS WILL FIND OUT FIRST!