Pretty_Penny

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all a (happy) update on this story. 
 
I left my program in May and spent the summer working a minimum wage job in a bakery that I had worked at during the summers when I was in college. It may seem like a huge step down from a top 5 PhD program in your field, but the people were great and I decorated some kick a** cakes! It helped me start to get my confidence back. In December, I started working for a nonprofit organization that goes into the homes of at-risk families and educates them on positive parent child interaction, child development, and family well-being. Not only am I using my psych degree from undergrad and my year in a developmental psych PhD program, but I am also using my undergrad Spanish degree, as I was hired to work with Spanish-speaking families! It is a perfect fit, everyone is kind and helpful, and I have been able to contribute already in many ways (e.g., helping to write grants, translating on home visits). 
 
I am technically still on my leave of absence, but as soon as I get a free weekend I will be sending a letter announcing my intentions not to return and detailing what happened during my time in grad school. I eventually plan to work toward in Master's in a related field, possibly social work. I feel like I am really helping people and making a difference in people's lives, and I'm far far away from my crazy adviser! Thanks for your support throughout this journey!
 
Also, I spoke with my undergraduate adviser. Turns out my grad school adviser has only graduated one, ONE, student in her LONG tenure at my grad institution. Neither of us knew the extent of her behavior, and my undergrad adviser felt horribly about how it turned out. I guess most of her student's quit or join a different lab. My crazy grad adviser was also quite confrontational with my undergrad adviser at a conference they both attended this summer, simply because they have differing opinions on a certain aspect of development. Dodged a bullet there!

So glad to hear that things have improved!  What a journey you had.  It's awful that your former advisor has ruined so many academic careers.  I hope that all of the people she turned away found as satisfying a life course as you have.  Best wishes.

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all a (happy) update on this story. 
 
I left my program in May and spent the summer working a minimum wage job in a bakery that I had worked at during the summers when I was in college. It may seem like a huge step down from a top 5 PhD program in your field, but the people were great and I decorated some kick a** cakes! It helped me start to get my confidence back. In December, I started working for a nonprofit organization that goes into the homes of at-risk families and educates them on positive parent child interaction, child development, and family well-being. Not only am I using my psych degree from undergrad and my year in a developmental psych PhD program, but I am also using my undergrad Spanish degree, as I was hired to work with Spanish-speaking families! It is a perfect fit, everyone is kind and helpful, and I have been able to contribute already in many ways (e.g., helping to write grants, translating on home visits). 
 
I am technically still on my leave of absence, but as soon as I get a free weekend I will be sending a letter announcing my intentions not to return and detailing what happened during my time in grad school. I eventually plan to work toward in Master's in a related field, possibly social work. I feel like I am really helping people and making a difference in people's lives, and I'm far far away from my crazy adviser! Thanks for your support throughout this journey!
 
Also, I spoke with my undergraduate adviser. Turns out my grad school adviser has only graduated one, ONE, student in her LONG tenure at my grad institution. Neither of us knew the extent of her behavior, and my undergrad adviser felt horribly about how it turned out. I guess most of her student's quit or join a different lab. My crazy grad adviser was also quite confrontational with my undergrad adviser at a conference they both attended this summer, simply because they have differing opinions on a certain aspect of development. Dodged a bullet there!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all a (happy) update on this story. 
 
I left my program in May and spent the summer working a minimum wage job in a bakery that I had worked at during the summers when I was in college. It may seem like a huge step down from a top 5 PhD program in your field, but the people were great and I decorated some kick a** cakes! It helped me start to get my confidence back. In December, I started working for a nonprofit organization that goes into the homes of at-risk families and educates them on positive parent child interaction, child development, and family well-being. Not only am I using my psych degree from undergrad and my year in a developmental psych PhD program, but I am also using my undergrad Spanish degree, as I was hired to work with Spanish-speaking families! It is a perfect fit, everyone is kind and helpful, and I have been able to contribute already in many ways (e.g., helping to write grants, translating on home visits). 
 
I am technically still on my leave of absence, but as soon as I get a free weekend I will be sending a letter announcing my intentions not to return and detailing what happened during my time in grad school. I eventually plan to work toward in Master's in a related field, possibly social work. I feel like I am really helping people and making a difference in people's lives, and I'm far far away from my crazy adviser! Thanks for your support throughout this journey!
 
Also, I spoke with my undergraduate adviser. Turns out my grad school adviser has only graduated one, ONE, student in her LONG tenure at my grad institution. Neither of us knew the extent of her behavior, and my undergrad adviser felt horribly about how it turned out. I guess most of her student's quit or join a different lab. My crazy grad adviser was also quite confrontational with my undergrad adviser at a conference they both attended this summer, simply because they have differing opinions on a certain aspect of development. Dodged a bullet there!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all a (happy) update on this story. 
 
I left my program in May and spent the summer working a minimum wage job in a bakery that I had worked at during the summers when I was in college. It may seem like a huge step down from a top 5 PhD program in your field, but the people were great and I decorated some kick a** cakes! It helped me start to get my confidence back. In December, I started working for a nonprofit organization that goes into the homes of at-risk families and educates them on positive parent child interaction, child development, and family well-being. Not only am I using my psych degree from undergrad and my year in a developmental psych PhD program, but I am also using my undergrad Spanish degree, as I was hired to work with Spanish-speaking families! It is a perfect fit, everyone is kind and helpful, and I have been able to contribute already in many ways (e.g., helping to write grants, translating on home visits). 
 
I am technically still on my leave of absence, but as soon as I get a free weekend I will be sending a letter announcing my intentions not to return and detailing what happened during my time in grad school. I eventually plan to work toward in Master's in a related field, possibly social work. I feel like I am really helping people and making a difference in people's lives, and I'm far far away from my crazy adviser! Thanks for your support throughout this journey!
 
Also, I spoke with my undergraduate adviser. Turns out my grad school adviser has only graduated one, ONE, student in her LONG tenure at my grad institution. Neither of us knew the extent of her behavior, and my undergrad adviser felt horribly about how it turned out. I guess most of her student's quit or join a different lab. My crazy grad adviser was also quite confrontational with my undergrad adviser at a conference they both attended this summer, simply because they have differing opinions on a certain aspect of development. Dodged a bullet there!

Thanks for the update! I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for you  

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all a (happy) update on this story. 
 
I left my program in May and spent the summer working a minimum wage job in a bakery that I had worked at during the summers when I was in college. It may seem like a huge step down from a top 5 PhD program in your field, but the people were great and I decorated some kick a** cakes! It helped me start to get my confidence back. In December, I started working for a nonprofit organization that goes into the homes of at-risk families and educates them on positive parent child interaction, child development, and family well-being. Not only am I using my psych degree from undergrad and my year in a developmental psych PhD program, but I am also using my undergrad Spanish degree, as I was hired to work with Spanish-speaking families! It is a perfect fit, everyone is kind and helpful, and I have been able to contribute already in many ways (e.g., helping to write grants, translating on home visits). 
 
I am technically still on my leave of absence, but as soon as I get a free weekend I will be sending a letter announcing my intentions not to return and detailing what happened during my time in grad school. I eventually plan to work toward in Master's in a related field, possibly social work. I feel like I am really helping people and making a difference in people's lives, and I'm far far away from my crazy adviser! Thanks for your support throughout this journey!
 
Also, I spoke with my undergraduate adviser. Turns out my grad school adviser has only graduated one, ONE, student in her LONG tenure at my grad institution. Neither of us knew the extent of her behavior, and my undergrad adviser felt horribly about how it turned out. I guess most of her student's quit or join a different lab. My crazy grad adviser was also quite confrontational with my undergrad adviser at a conference they both attended this summer, simply because they have differing opinions on a certain aspect of development. Dodged a bullet there!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all a (happy) update on this story. 
 
I left my program in May and spent the summer working a minimum wage job in a bakery that I had worked at during the summers when I was in college. It may seem like a huge step down from a top 5 PhD program in your field, but the people were great and I decorated some kick a** cakes! It helped me start to get my confidence back. In December, I started working for a nonprofit organization that goes into the homes of at-risk families and educates them on positive parent child interaction, child development, and family well-being. Not only am I using my psych degree from undergrad and my year in a developmental psych PhD program, but I am also using my undergrad Spanish degree, as I was hired to work with Spanish-speaking families! It is a perfect fit, everyone is kind and helpful, and I have been able to contribute already in many ways (e.g., helping to write grants, translating on home visits). 
 
I am technically still on my leave of absence, but as soon as I get a free weekend I will be sending a letter announcing my intentions not to return and detailing what happened during my time in grad school. I eventually plan to work toward in Master's in a related field, possibly social work. I feel like I am really helping people and making a difference in people's lives, and I'm far far away from my crazy adviser! Thanks for your support throughout this journey!
 
Also, I spoke with my undergraduate adviser. Turns out my grad school adviser has only graduated one, ONE, student in her LONG tenure at my grad institution. Neither of us knew the extent of her behavior, and my undergrad adviser felt horribly about how it turned out. I guess most of her student's quit or join a different lab. My crazy grad adviser was also quite confrontational with my undergrad adviser at a conference they both attended this summer, simply because they have differing opinions on a certain aspect of development. Dodged a bullet there!

Pretty_Penny, I'm not sure if you're still around and reading this thread, but I just read a blog post that made me think of you, so I'm posting it here in case it can help. 
 
http://tenureshewrote.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/how-to-do-a-medical-leave/ 

Hi everyone,
 
Thanks for the replies. I have decided to finish off my classes and TA work this semester and then take a leave of absence. I honestly don't believe I will be returning, but I feel better knowing that I can if I find myself wanting to when I am in a clearer mental state.
 
I'm quite happy with this decision. I need to find some work to fill the credits that used to be occupied by my research lab, but the university wants to keep me around to finish out my TAship so that shouldn't be too hard to do. The only problem I am having is that I am taking some serious attitude from the senior graduate student in the lab I left. Apparently, she is very angry about it and about me not coming to her to tell her. I had asked my previous advisor if I should let other lab members know and she told me not to. I assumed, in that case, my advisor would tell this student. Of course, it seems she heard from gradual trickling of this news through the department and is mad about that.
 
Honestly, it isn't her or anyone else's business. This was between me and my advisor. And it's not like this graduate student devoted a ton of time to helping me in the first place. We were always told how busy she is and how we need to respect her time!

Hi all,
 
Just a quick update - I talked to my area coordinator today. She was very sympathetic and helpful. She offered to talk to my advisor for me and tell her I'm leaving the lab but I told her I should probably do it. Our interview weekend is this weekend, so I will probably email my advisor on Friday or Saturday to set up a meeting for Monday. I'm sure the conversation will be difficult to have. I plan on letting her know I feel bad about this and anxious about the position that I am leaving her in, but I need to do what's best for me. That I'm leaving the lab and that, ultimately, I feel this will be best for her as well since she is never happy with my performance. Hopefully it will be relatively painless. If anyone has any advice for how to handle this or how to deal with anxiety leading up to this, please let me know.
 
After that, I will provide the area coordinator with a summary of what I'm interested in. The area faculty will meet and decide if there is anyone here for me to work with. They will come back with one of two decisions: either there is another lab I can transfer into or they would recommend I reapply elsewhere to find a better fit. Even if there is another lab for me to transfer into, the choice will ultimately be mine as to whether or not I stay. It would probably almost be easier then for them to tell me there is no other lab that can take me, as then the decision would be made for me!
 
As for an update on seeing a psychiatrist. I FINALLY heard back from the community psychiatric provider I had contacted about 3 weeks ago. They wanted to schedule an appointment for me now, but there would still be a wait before I could get in. I decided to decline for the moment, as I have also been in touch with the leader of my group therapy sessions and he was going to get back to me ASAP about getting psychiatric care through the university. If I don't hear back from him by the end of the week I will be calling the community provider back and scheduling an appointment with them.
 
Thanks for all your help and concern!

Hi everyone,
 
Thanks for the replies. I have decided to finish off my classes and TA work this semester and then take a leave of absence. I honestly don't believe I will be returning, but I feel better knowing that I can if I find myself wanting to when I am in a clearer mental state.
 
I'm quite happy with this decision. I need to find some work to fill the credits that used to be occupied by my research lab, but the university wants to keep me around to finish out my TAship so that shouldn't be too hard to do. The only problem I am having is that I am taking some serious attitude from the senior graduate student in the lab I left. Apparently, she is very angry about it and about me not coming to her to tell her. I had asked my previous advisor if I should let other lab members know and she told me not to. I assumed, in that case, my advisor would tell this student. Of course, it seems she heard from gradual trickling of this news through the department and is mad about that.
 
Honestly, it isn't her or anyone else's business. This was between me and my advisor. And it's not like this graduate student devoted a ton of time to helping me in the first place. We were always told how busy she is and how we need to respect her time!

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. This did happen to me, and not in a joking way. My ex-advisor seemed to think that I was intellectually capable of completing a graduate program, but not emotionally capable. She told me I needed to get over my "fear of ambiguity" and that some people can't. "That's the reason why not everyone has a PhD." I was and still am, to be honest, kind of an emotional, neurotic mess. However, I became that way after dealing with this bullying from my advisor for months (you can see my other threads for a summary of that). It's hard not to let harsh words like that affect you. I, for one, have decided to take a leave of absence to reconsider if I want to be part of a culture that allows behavior like this from people in positions of power, but I admire the people who can use this as motivation. To me it is incredibly demotivating.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. This did happen to me, and not in a joking way. My ex-advisor seemed to think that I was intellectually capable of completing a graduate program, but not emotionally capable. She told me I needed to get over my "fear of ambiguity" and that some people can't. "That's the reason why not everyone has a PhD." I was and still am, to be honest, kind of an emotional, neurotic mess. However, I became that way after dealing with this bullying from my advisor for months (you can see my other threads for a summary of that). It's hard not to let harsh words like that affect you. I, for one, have decided to take a leave of absence to reconsider if I want to be part of a culture that allows behavior like this from people in positions of power, but I admire the people who can use this as motivation. To me it is incredibly demotivating.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. This did happen to me, and not in a joking way. My ex-advisor seemed to think that I was intellectually capable of completing a graduate program, but not emotionally capable. She told me I needed to get over my "fear of ambiguity" and that some people can't. "That's the reason why not everyone has a PhD." I was and still am, to be honest, kind of an emotional, neurotic mess. However, I became that way after dealing with this bullying from my advisor for months (you can see my other threads for a summary of that). It's hard not to let harsh words like that affect you. I, for one, have decided to take a leave of absence to reconsider if I want to be part of a culture that allows behavior like this from people in positions of power, but I admire the people who can use this as motivation. To me it is incredibly demotivating.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. This did happen to me, and not in a joking way. My ex-advisor seemed to think that I was intellectually capable of completing a graduate program, but not emotionally capable. She told me I needed to get over my "fear of ambiguity" and that some people can't. "That's the reason why not everyone has a PhD." I was and still am, to be honest, kind of an emotional, neurotic mess. However, I became that way after dealing with this bullying from my advisor for months (you can see my other threads for a summary of that). It's hard not to let harsh words like that affect you. I, for one, have decided to take a leave of absence to reconsider if I want to be part of a culture that allows behavior like this from people in positions of power, but I admire the people who can use this as motivation. To me it is incredibly demotivating.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. This did happen to me, and not in a joking way. My ex-advisor seemed to think that I was intellectually capable of completing a graduate program, but not emotionally capable. She told me I needed to get over my "fear of ambiguity" and that some people can't. "That's the reason why not everyone has a PhD." I was and still am, to be honest, kind of an emotional, neurotic mess. However, I became that way after dealing with this bullying from my advisor for months (you can see my other threads for a summary of that). It's hard not to let harsh words like that affect you. I, for one, have decided to take a leave of absence to reconsider if I want to be part of a culture that allows behavior like this from people in positions of power, but I admire the people who can use this as motivation. To me it is incredibly demotivating.

I admire your intelligent and rational approach to problem solving, Penny. I sincerely hope that your leave brings you the best result for you. Though I doubt it, hopefully the program you're critiquing will reconsider their Full Metal Jacket approach to pedagogy.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. This did happen to me, and not in a joking way. My ex-advisor seemed to think that I was intellectually capable of completing a graduate program, but not emotionally capable. She told me I needed to get over my "fear of ambiguity" and that some people can't. "That's the reason why not everyone has a PhD." I was and still am, to be honest, kind of an emotional, neurotic mess. However, I became that way after dealing with this bullying from my advisor for months (you can see my other threads for a summary of that). It's hard not to let harsh words like that affect you. I, for one, have decided to take a leave of absence to reconsider if I want to be part of a culture that allows behavior like this from people in positions of power, but I admire the people who can use this as motivation. To me it is incredibly demotivating.

Couple notes (mainly for the peanut gallery)..
 
What a school advertises and promises can be vastly different from what actually happens. This includes funding and class availability and general "not being a total jerk" when it comes to advisers.
 
I had an adviser who expected me to work until 3am on a project in his garage at his condo across town despite it being against every rule and regulation at my school (not to work past 11pm, not to work off site and in particular not at the faculty's home). Sometimes they are just raging pricks.
 
A lot of this website is about wanting to get in, so if there's little bits of information that show up which clearly show that getting in is not a picnic, that it's not just hard classes but possibly impossible people and expectations, unfair treatment, and sometimes rampant abuse of the student and broken rules.. well.. people dreaming to get in don't want to see that and react adversely to the message and messenger.
 
"I wouldn't quit."
 
Yes you would, you'd quit when your adviser began to sexually harass you. You'd quit when arguments turned to shouting and then turned to throwing things. You'd quit when your health began to fail from stress. You'd quit when the faculty chose to ignore safety protocols and put your life in danger. You'd quit when ethics were treated like obstacles to funding. You'd quit when you were told to pass a student in your class, despite them obviously failing, because they were related to the dean.
 
Sometimes.. no, often, life is not a cakewalk served up on a silver spoon. People do tend to suck and it's only a matter or making the best of what crap you're presented with - and sometimes the "best" is to leave.
 
Let me know how confident you are that little problems can be glossed over and people are just too sensitive when you're read the riot act for being late because you were re-ended in route while the golden boy struts in even later than you (in the middle of your chewing out) and is praised for the tie he chose to wear.
 
These things have not all happened to me (thank god) but they have happened to people in graduate school.

I am 2 years away from this and I am already stressing out about it.

Go you! I hope everything works out, and I'm glad to hear you've taken the steps necessary to make your life better. Keep it up!

Hi everyone,
 
Thanks for the replies. I have decided to finish off my classes and TA work this semester and then take a leave of absence. I honestly don't believe I will be returning, but I feel better knowing that I can if I find myself wanting to when I am in a clearer mental state.
 
I'm quite happy with this decision. I need to find some work to fill the credits that used to be occupied by my research lab, but the university wants to keep me around to finish out my TAship so that shouldn't be too hard to do. The only problem I am having is that I am taking some serious attitude from the senior graduate student in the lab I left. Apparently, she is very angry about it and about me not coming to her to tell her. I had asked my previous advisor if I should let other lab members know and she told me not to. I assumed, in that case, my advisor would tell this student. Of course, it seems she heard from gradual trickling of this news through the department and is mad about that.
 
Honestly, it isn't her or anyone else's business. This was between me and my advisor. And it's not like this graduate student devoted a ton of time to helping me in the first place. We were always told how busy she is and how we need to respect her time!

Hi everyone,
 
Thanks for the replies. I have decided to finish off my classes and TA work this semester and then take a leave of absence. I honestly don't believe I will be returning, but I feel better knowing that I can if I find myself wanting to when I am in a clearer mental state.
 
I'm quite happy with this decision. I need to find some work to fill the credits that used to be occupied by my research lab, but the university wants to keep me around to finish out my TAship so that shouldn't be too hard to do. The only problem I am having is that I am taking some serious attitude from the senior graduate student in the lab I left. Apparently, she is very angry about it and about me not coming to her to tell her. I had asked my previous advisor if I should let other lab members know and she told me not to. I assumed, in that case, my advisor would tell this student. Of course, it seems she heard from gradual trickling of this news through the department and is mad about that.
 
Honestly, it isn't her or anyone else's business. This was between me and my advisor. And it's not like this graduate student devoted a ton of time to helping me in the first place. We were always told how busy she is and how we need to respect her time!

Hi everyone,
 
Thanks for the replies. I have decided to finish off my classes and TA work this semester and then take a leave of absence. I honestly don't believe I will be returning, but I feel better knowing that I can if I find myself wanting to when I am in a clearer mental state.
 
I'm quite happy with this decision. I need to find some work to fill the credits that used to be occupied by my research lab, but the university wants to keep me around to finish out my TAship so that shouldn't be too hard to do. The only problem I am having is that I am taking some serious attitude from the senior graduate student in the lab I left. Apparently, she is very angry about it and about me not coming to her to tell her. I had asked my previous advisor if I should let other lab members know and she told me not to. I assumed, in that case, my advisor would tell this student. Of course, it seems she heard from gradual trickling of this news through the department and is mad about that.
 
Honestly, it isn't her or anyone else's business. This was between me and my advisor. And it's not like this graduate student devoted a ton of time to helping me in the first place. We were always told how busy she is and how we need to respect her time!