perfectionist

This is so obtuse. 

Why would it be too late? No ones been accepted yet

I'm a good wife and mother.

My qualities as a wife: I am a whole person without him. I love him and I have trouble sleeping without him there (seriously, it's a pain), but I do not need him to be happy and fulfilled. I am also smart, funny, loyal, cute, cook and back, and have a great rack. I am also mean, sadistic, spiteful, and love to wallow in a good bout of schadenfreude. I don't do laundry and I have been known to throw all of the dishes out rather than wash them.

There is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who cannot be whole by themselves. There's a difference between being lonely and being so desperate for a relationship that the other person has to be the source of a person's self-worth, sense of value, and reason for living. (Before you protest, Pinkseter/Corrupted Innocence, print off your statements on this thread and show them to your therapist.) Lonely people are not so desperate for a relationship that they'll do anything to be in one (your words, not mine); lonely people want a relationship, but they don't need one. Desperate people want a relationship and they really, really don't need one because a relationship based on emotional dependency is toxic.

My qualities as a mother: He made to legal adulthood in good health, no trouble with the law, with prospects for the future, and isn't (currently) a burden on society. He can balance his checkbook and find the DMV by himself. He also drives like a little old lady and can do his own laundry. He has no idea where the barber is, though. Can't win 'em all.

I popped that slime-coated ur-human out by myself. He was a bit early, but the placenta was tres cool looking. It was like a purplish, deflated basketball with veins. I could totally see the horror movie thing going on, just give it eyes and teeth. Vagina Dentata for realsies!

But. He wasn't mine, completely and totally mine. He was his own person. Sure, I taught him that there's no such thing as bad sci-fi, but he won't watch Star Trek TOS; he prefers Godzilla (good gravy, where did I go wrong?!) and he doesn't know who Surak is. I kid you not. He's got my eyes, my intelligence, and my ADHD, but he did not find Fight Club amusing and he hates math (yeah, I'd think he was switched at birth, too, but he was the only boy on the ward). I love him dearly and he loves me dearly, but he's still not mine. He's living in another state, now, and it hurts, but it's right for him.

Kids grow up. Husbands have their own lives to lead, their own work, their own friends, and their hobbies. What do desperate people do when their spouse wants to go watch the game with friends (try to tag along or, worse, provide a curfew)?

Pinkster/Corrupted Innocence (this new name is very Twilight Fan Girl), you might have great qualities that make you great (as Loric put it) husband-bait. But you have one singular quality that makes you husband-bane: desperation. You've consistently shown desperation and you've said you're desperate. Not using hyperbole to talk about being lonely and looking to change that situation, but actually desperate. If anything, your use of the word desperate is an understatement.

You are not speaking of your future man in terms of a real relationship. You're speaking of your future man in terms of an Edward and Bella and Jacob relationship. Which you probably think is romantic and wonderful and cried at the end. Edward and Bella have a horrific relationship of manipulation, co-dependency, and a mutual inability to be healthy. Jacob is even worse. Men are not stupid people and the kind of man you want for a husband (a good man who is caring, loving, and will provide for the family) is the kind of man that runs screaming, the other way, when a desperate woman starts making cow eyes at him.

Seriously. Print off this thread and your other I-want-a-relationship threads and take it to your therapist. Or send him/her a link.

History turns full circle and the left is reduced to a ceaseless witch hunt, this time for racists.
 
This has nothing to do with a name and all to do with pure hatred. Go away - this forum doesn't need your vitriol.

I am not sure which is more insulting and offensive to African Americans: having your adopted African-American grandson (1) dressed in pink, front and centered, in the family photo (scroll down to the bottom in the link, the girls are dressed in pink and the boys are dressed in blue) or (2) literally named "black" or  "dark-skinned" or "little black one" in Gaelic?
 
Mitt Romney's family should be ashamed of themselves.
 
 
http://www.rickey.org/mitt-romneys-grandsons-name-literally-black-romney/

Hmm sure, but some of us need to secure employment and such if we don't get into grad school, and therefore need to know sooner rather than later. The anxiety is warranted

FYI - I am employed by a midwestern university, and we've shut down tomorrow because of cold temperatures. I don't know how many others will follow suit, but this could definitely affect invites being sent out tomorrow. SORRY.

So scared of tomorrow.

Hi everyone,
I have been lurking this forum for a couple weeks and wish everyone good luck with their applications, interviews and careers!   
 
I noticed that not many of you have applied to UCLA for bio-related fields.  Does anyone know about their program in CompBio/Bioinformatics?  My son was offered an interview in Feb, and I noticed a few others have as well.  I know that UCSD, UCSF and Berkeley are good in this field (and UCSC?).  Any thoughts on how UCLA compares?  He's still waiting to hear on the other schools to which he applied.   (Seems like Princeton interview offers are out, so we suspect - as we thought - he's probably not in the mix there.)
 
Also wondering (and apologize if this has been covered elsewhere) - would anyone recommend a masters first to get additional research experience and perhaps refine a statement of interest?  He's applying straight out of undergrad and has therefore had limited research experience (about 1 1/2 year in one lab plus a summer in another).  Grades are ok, not great, but at a know grade-deflated school... but great GRE scores.  Has several areas in which he's interested.  Problem is that he hasn't found many programs with terminal masters in comp bio (CMU, Michigan I think, UCSC, Georgetown?).
 
Thanks for any insights you can provide.  He's asking us for advice, but we don't know the PhD route...

This wouldn't surprise me for my field as a lot of students in bio-related fields try out a MS if they don't get into med school or if they don't know what to do next (The "Do I want to do research or not, question"). Many also try to do it through their employers. It is very difficult to do graduate studies in this field with outside employment as many terminal non-thesis programs still require laboratory work, and funded thesis-based MS programs like I was in are rare, so many are required to try and balance work and school + lab. Sometimes they get into med school and drop (which makes me angry) or they find that a graduate degree in molecular biology isn't for them (understandable).
 
A lot of us also want to do things that are more associated with having a PhD, for example running our own lab, research projects, and having our own graduate students. I think the graduation rate for students in PhD programs (who had previous research experience and an idea of what they're getting into) is higher, but this also probably varies widely by program within the STEM fields.

I've been married/engaged the entire time I have been in grad school and I think it's definitely "give and take" as you said. Obviously it would depend on the nature of the relationship, being in an unhealthy one can cause a lot of extra stress and drain on your ability to work well. Also, I would think that Loric's "guy-with-wife" relationship is pretty abnormal and it sounds one-sided (but then again we are only hearing one side of it). I don't think it would be a healthy relationship if one person is the "dutiful spouse" whose sole purpose is to help the other person achieve things.
 
I think that there is more than one path to happiness/productiveness and I don't think there is necessary an advantage that married people have over single people. I am happy with my current situation and I am not trying to show off nor complain about it, but here are some thoughts in case people are thinking it's all sunshine and roses in married-people-land. 
 
Here are some pros, in my opinion, in no particular order:
1. Sense of purpose. I feel like I am working on my career for more than just myself, and it's a good motivator.
2. Reduced cost. As one person says it, "Automatic 50% discount on everything" (such as rent* [but see below], car payments whatever)
3. Reduced housework because we share the chores
4. Comfort/emotional support. I always feel like I have someone supporting me and on my side. 
5. Guaranteed awesome "roommate" / never have to worry about finding a compatible one again.
 
Here are some cons, again in no particular order:
1. More responsibility -- there's more laundry to do, more food to cook, more meals to plan (and more diverse tastes to account for), more cleaning to be done, more schedules to meet (spouse's work schedule, your schedule, doctor/dentist appointments)
2. Extra costs -- even with two incomes, the cost for a single bedroom place might still be higher per person than what you normally would have to pay if you were a single student sharing a big house with 3 others, for example [but then you'll have to share with 3 others]. Also, grad programs will pay for your health care costs, but normally not your spouse's and that can be a lot for international students.
3. Finding work/things to do for your spouse -- He/She might have moved to the school with you and it might take awhile for them to find a career/job equivalent to what they left behind. This can lead to some (hopefully temporary) stress when there are extra costs but not extra income.
4. Two people to schedule for. e.g. you might work best after 11pm, but your spouse might have to get up early for work, so it's not fair for you to work all night and disrupt your spouse's schedule. Or, your chore may be cooking dinner, so with two people, that has to happened at the agreed upon time. Single students might have more freedom to choose to give up sleep, or have a late dinner, or end up working late and just choose to eat pizza that night, but with two people, you need to be considerate of the others' preferences too!
 
I think in Loric's case, the advisor is being very unfair because guy-with-wife is able to do all of the things the advisor wants but Loric cannot and the advisor is not recognizing that. But, an advisor could in theory be just as unfair to a married student. The advisor could say something like "student-without-spouse" works late into the night and gives up sleep/dinner in order to meet this deadline, why didn't you? 

By itself, I couldn't care less, but as my faculty adviser was constantly comparing everything between the two of us it was obnoxious. For example, my adviser would mention some little thing that "might help" with a project that could only be purchased from a store 3 hours away. Dutiful wife would drive out for the other guy and buy it and he'd have it, use it, etc... I wasn't offered any such assistance, had no free time to drive 3 hours there and back, and just did the project without the non-necessity.
 
Come presentation time, my adviser would beam about how guy-with-wife took the advice, got the item, and used it so cleverly for the project. Worse? 'd get the third degree for having "ignored the advice" and would be belittled and told how much my work had suffered and how much easier things would have been for me if I had listened and taken the advice and gotten the handy-dandy-tool.
 
When things like that keep happening.. (Literally.. "Why isn't your shirt pressed? Guy-with-wife's shirt is pressed today..") you notice and pretty much end up being "over it."
 
In another thread about academic completion rates, the study I was reading said that the highest cited reason people complete grad programs, aside from motivation, is "non-financial family support."  It was legitimately becoming a burden to do everything myself in comparison to my peer who had his wife to do the basics and keep down the fort while the crap was hitting the fan.

So... you're annoyed with a married man because he has a dutiful wife? Why exactly? I would think that's one of the least annoying things regarding other people.
 
 
Ah that's what I thought, but from what I just heard around here aren't I supposed to look around for availability? Not commit to anything just yet, but explore the options and the price ranges, yes?
 
Sorry Pinkster, I probably should stop asking questions here

I bring this up because I recall one of the most obnoxious things about my first-go-round with grad school was that the other student in my program/emphasis was a married mormon with a dutiful spouse.
 
When I didn't have the time to cook, I starved. His wife packed him lunch and had dinner waiting on the table when he got home. When I didn't have time to for laundry, I wore dirty clothes. His wife pressed his shirts.
 
I would think the on-campus aspect would in a way act as dutiful spouse.. by at least making those things convenient and easy.

That's a very mean thing to say. I'm glad Harvard doesn't want a toxic person like you.

tuba250, to be honest the problem with international applicants is eligibility for funding.  There are a lot of funding opportunities open to American graduate students that simply aren't to international ones.
 
Also, to be honest, it makes sense that an American program is going to prioritize American students from a financial, legal, and ethical standpoint.

Do these adcoms you're referring to happen to be freelance sleeper Russian double agent super spies?

I have officially organized my papers using Mendeley. I am forever grateful. 
 
 
 
Definitely a game changer. Highly recommend. 

Step 1:
 
Realize most people can't actually write, even academics.
 
Step 2:
 
Accept the realization of Step 1. No, really, most people can't write. If you measure the success of the written word in the ability to convey an idea between two parties.. they have failed.
 
Step 3:
 
Black Sharpie. Cross out gobble-gook that people use because they think it's how educated folks speak. You can even write on the top REDACTED for fun.
 
Step 4:
 
Take dozen or so remaining words and phrases from the 27-pages of single spaced full-justification text and stitch them together however logical. This is actually what's important.
 
Step 5 (optional) :
 
Send the author a tersely worded letter about their abuse of the language.

I agree that timelines really depend on the location. Right now, I live in a very non-college town (students probably make up less than 3% of the population) so other than the areas immediately adjacent to campus, the rental market is like any other "regular" town. We have been following the rental listings all year because we are looking to move if there is a good option and it's very rare to be able to find a place more than a few weeks in advance. In California, the law is 30 days notice to vacate, so at the earliest, you will see something up for 1 month from now. But most places will want you to move in much sooner than 1 month!
 
We did fly out to pick out an apartment about 4-5 weeks before our move-in and we were almost too early. Luckily, while responding to a "move in ASAP" ad, the landlord told us that they actually have another tenant who is planning on leaving by September 1, so we were lucky to be able to sign a lease to begin Sept 1 when we visited (about August 1). It really looked like we would have to sign a lease to begin in August and pay double rent for awhile!
 
Alternatively, there are other places where the market is almost the opposite. In another town we moved to in the past, students make up almost 40% of the population and the law was 60 days notice to vacate. For all of the decent, well upkept properties in town, they are almost immediately snatched up within a few days of being available. In that place, we signed our August 1 lease back on June 1 or so. When we moved away, the landlord notified us that someone else has already agreed to take our apartment within 4-5 days of us giving our 60 days notice (which was great, since we would not be disrupted by them showing potential tenants around our place). 
 
For people who are able to get paid visits to their schools, I strongly suggest spending some of that visit time talking to students about housing. If you plan to live off-campus, spend some of the time walking around and getting to know the neighbourhoods so that when you look at ads later, you know how the area feels. You can and should ask students where they live so you know which areas are safe etc. Also, see if you need to sign up for any on-campus housing stuff earlier. Some of these places have applications that open in March or April. At my current school, there is a first-come first-served waitlist for off-campus unfurnished campus owned housing and you're allowed to put your name on the list as soon as you are accepted (you don't even have to accept their offer yet). So, once a school accepts you, look into all of this and put your names on any waitlists or sign up lists that you are able to. You can always take your name off the list if you decide that you don't want that housing option.

For NYC I think you can hold off several months - it isn't exactly what you'd call a small college town. Also, there's more than students living in the city, so the start & end date of leases won't be tied to the academic year as much. 
Looking through the archives of housing messageboards at your university of choice should tell you when the majority of students start advertising for spare roommates and how long before Fall semester apartments are put on the market.

I'm getting freaked out, I don't have that.  How am I going to do this? 

I think the assumption that you'll meet (or be around) more people in school than you would otherwise to be faulty. If you got a job, you might actually be exposed to more people, which could actually make it easier for you to find a spouse. When I was working, I would often go hang out with a coworker or two and their group of friends, which made it pretty easy to meet new people. Because lots of people move for grad school, they often don't have a pre-existing network of friends that you could meet through them, at least not at first. So, actually, working could help. And, if you were to do a program like AmeriCorps, you'd have the opportunity to meet other AmeriCorps volunteers in your same town/city but not volunteering at the same site, which again, could expand the opportunities available to you to meet people. Have you checked job boards like indeed.com or idealist.org to try to find work that uses your skill set or matches your interests? If you're willing to move, I'd bet you could find something, even with just your BA. Even if it's temporary, a trial period of living on your own for a few months now before you have to juggle living on your own + school could be very beneficial to you.
 
Also, I can't find the quotation, but I don't know why people think adults can't live with their friends. I have lived with strangers as roommates who stayed strangers but also strangers who became friends. I met one of my roommates through a newspaper ad and we got along so well that people couldn't believe we hadn't known each other for years. About 3 years after we stopped living together (I moved away), I flew across the country to go to her wedding because she wanted all of her close friends there, including me. I mean, I've also had roommates that I would never speak to again voluntarily but there's no rule saying that you can't be or become friends with your roommates. Especially when you're moving to a new place, getting a roommate from another department/program can be really beneficial in terms of helping you meet new people. That said, just having a roommate is not enough to prevent one from feeling lonely...

Don't be shy about taking care of a guy's needs, if you get my drift.

This thread...

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