LittleDarlings

This part is harder, like it makes sense but it seems so far fetched to achieve. NOT saying I can't because I totally can do it! I think it is because I am not extremely close with anyone. I have friends, even friends that I call my best friend because I have known them so long but our friendship is more superficial. I don't go to them to talk about every single thing happening to me, I don't even get really in-depth with them. I feel like the only time I was really in depth with my friends was when I was in a relationship. It is like I am on the same level as them no one is better than anyone. I am kind of afraid to get in-depth with people because I don't want them to judge me the way I would judge them if they told me. I know my lack of interest is noticeable and I am pulling away from my friends, especially my friend who is pregnant. I haven't seen her face to face since Christmas. It isn't that I am un interested but it hurts to see her and watch her go through that, because I should be going through it. I would be so happy to go through it. It's like everything I do or accomplish isn't enough. Going to grad school isn't enough, having a full scholarship isn't enough, none of it is good enough. The disconnecting them is hard. My therapist constantly tries to remind me that everyone is different and sometimes things for other people happen at a different pace, it doesn't mean it won't ever happen but it just isn't happening right now for me BUT other things are. Disconnecting my life from theirs is hard. I feel like we all have the same background are the same age, we should be doing the same things at the same pace right? I just can't imagine going through all of life faking it and disconnecting. It is so hurtful. I don't want you to think I'm saying I can't of won't try because I will but when does it get better? When is it natural and like I don't have to fake it. Feeling happy for other people I don't even know where to begin? I would fake happiness and then it would eventually happen?

I was offered a fellowship for a different school than where I accepted

Do I have to like sit down and write down my views. I just want to know how to do this? I know I am team airhead over here lol but I am still in that point where I can't 100% open up to my therapist. I have and I have opened up to her way more than any other one I have been to (I have probably opened up on here more than any therapist I have been to honestly) but I still reserve my thoughts. I might blurt it out at the end of session so we can't talk about it then I am off the hook. I just want this to work out. I want to grow as a person and emotionally and not be so angry or bitter or hurt or whatever all the time.

My therapist pretty much said the same thing. I want to change the thinking pattern so what do I have to do? I want to do whatever I have to do to be what someone else will date. Everyone has said the be happy without a guy. I don't know what to do to make that happen. Had I never experienced a relationship it would be different because you can't miss what you haven't had, but I had it. It was perfect kind of. Anyways I want to make the changes just don't know where they would come from. Example I can't see myself sitting down with my friend and talking about her happy relationship or happy pregnancy and I am sucking in life. I mean I am not sucking, academically everything is perfect. Couldn't be more perfect but that isn't getting me married or pregnant. Thats just so important to me I don't even know why.

Thank you for making be feel so much better about my shit fest of a life lol. I never claimed to be a 9 or 10. I don't know what I am, I know the number one thing people tell me is "wow you're so pretty" maybe they are lying? Maybe since I have a handicap they feel the need to pump me up so I don't feel like total shit about myself? I don't know. I don't consider myself a 9 or 10, maybe a 7. The guys I have gone out with I can't even give them numbers, I thought they were hot, then I met them in person and just didn't feel the click. I dated someone who I honestly think was like a 5 but after I got to know him and completely fell for him he was a 10. So in the end I just totally contradicted what I said to begin with but oh well. I just don't like hot guys with ugly girls! DISLIKE! It is the jealousy in me and so whatever it is what it is. I actually asked my therapist about the fairness thing the other day and she said that sometimes circumstances just line up. It isn't about deserving or anything sometimes it just happens for some and it doesn't for others. I just don't believe that. I have done everything to make the situation line up. At some point it needs to line up with someone. I mean from age 18 to now I think I have been on at least 100 dates and only 2 of them turned into dating situations and 1 an actual relationship. It needs to happen and line up. No one deserves anything but they get it! Why am I not one of those people who it just happens for? I just want attraction. I want to look at the person and feel attracted to them and I don't think that is asking a lot. A new approach would be great but I just don't know what other approach to take? Ignore dating an forget about it? I wish I could but I am constantly thinking about it. I will not leave my house unmade because I could meet someone in line at Walmart or at a stop light. It is my life. When I am finally in a relationship it will be the biggest accomplishment to me.

I never thought of it like that. It is just something you say. No one digs that deep into it. It doesn't matter obviously whoever the person is found happiness with someone else. If they think that person is hot then ok I probably don't and that's fine. It's not like I'm walking up to these guys saying "wow you're hot but your gf looks like poop" it isn't a big deal. I see it I go on about my day. It isn't that big of a deal.

I would never do that. There is definitely a such thing, some people don't want to acknowledge it and that's fine I guess. It works on both sides I mean I can admit I have probably been a downgrade in the past too. It just happens that's life some people are super blatantly attractive, some aren't and some are in the middle.

Yes, a better financial offer

I did but I'm in a Social Work Masters Program

Thats so cute! I hope that happens. I just had a change of programs, I am not going where I expected to go and I don't know that I can meet someone here. I feel like I have already dated practically everyone in this region and I am not really expecting to meet anyone. So theres another 2 years of singleness... ugh.

I have heard that about this medication. I think if I take them I will ask for something that isn't that pill. Can you drink alcohol while taking them? I mean I like to occasionally go out and drink, that is a major reason I haven't been rushing to take an anti-depressant (on top of just fear). I mean right now nothing major has happened to really make me sad. It takes me a long time to get over relationships ending even if the relationship was a month or 2 I will mope for 5 months. I am not at this point where nothing major has happened (bad) but I just feel so sad all the time, so angry, so bitter, I cry sometimes kind of. I have never been a crier either but I do I just chalked it up to PMS. I always have a week or 2 that I am just emotionally in a bad place, it feels like it is starting to last longer than that week or 2 now.

I did reference it because I feel like a person who just got a good job, into all my programs and stuff shouldn't be depressed. If just my lack of a relationship is causing it, is it really depression? I don't want to take medication for something that might not be the problem.

Is it possible to have a full scholarship and still need loans? I am just wondering. I am still worried about living expenses I know that there is a stipend with the field training but I don't know that it will be enough to pay for housing and utilities groceries etc... I am still thinking I might have to take out a small loan or use credit cards. Any experience with this?

Well that is you, you aren't even with him anymore so does it matter? I think not. But thanks and good luck to you too

Hahah eww I hope not!

Maybe you should READ IT and figure it out on your own huh?

Haha I couldn't less what you think about my personality. Thank you but like I said it is called having standards. If you want to date brown teeth then go for it. Good luck with that.

Hahaha yeah well tell him that then. I'm sure some sad girl will date him and his brown teeth, but not me. I can't be out all the time with my friends and family and someone with brown teeth. Maybe you can date him?! HA If that was little jab at my personality then thanks but I don't have an ugly personality, just standards

As someone walking through the mall seeing a hot guy with a girlfriend less than attractive, I am going to think wow she is way less pretty than her boyfriend. I would also probably say "he can do better" these aren't uncommon feelings, I have had entire conversations with friends about it. Have you never heard of a downgrade? You have never had a friend who was in a relationship that ended and the guy moved on and she said "oh his new gf is a downgrade"? Maybe not but I have heard it a lot, even said it a few times. I don't know that amazing qualities the girlfriend has and I don't necessarily care. I am looking at her and thinking "wow she is much less attractive than the guy she is dating" so call it what you want but I have said it, my friends have said it and that is that.

I don't know why the attraction comment made such a huge stir? Would anyone on here date someone that they were not physically attracted to? I mean I get that attractiveness is subjective, but if someone is blatantly unattractive to you, no matter how amazing they are you won't date them. I am not going to sit here and say "omg I couldn't care less what a guy looks like as long as he is nice and has common interests and goals I will like him and date him" that would be a lie. I went out on a date with a guy once who has TERRIBLE teeth, like brown (didn't see that in the FB pics) he was the nicest guy, we had common goals and interests he was even into the idea of children and marriage sooner rather than later, however brown teeth isn't ok. Should I have over looked the fact that he could possibly not have teeth in the next 5-10 years even though he was nice? I need something to work with. I don't need a 10, but I want to be attracted. If this person is the person I end up with I don't want to be unattracted to the person I spend the next 50 years looking at daily.

Umm, I definitely don't suck in life right now. Actually at this very moment I am doing way better than I was when I was replying a few hours ago. I don't appreciate someone saying "oh well I see why you aren't in a relationship" so oh well if she didn't like my comment then maybe she should have been less rude about it. I didn't attack her or make awful comments to her about the failing of her relationship now did I? There is always hope, as long as I keep dating eventually something with someone will click. I am sure of it.

So what happened with you mom? Is she ok now??

You kind of are.. When I go to a party... I am fun!! I am playing the drinking games or dancing and singing in the bar. I am a fairly fun person. It does depend on the bars though. One of my friends took me to a bar and I just wasn't liking the atmosphere, so I did sit there and text and I took a ton of pics. If I am at a bar that I like or a night club where theres dancing, I am pretty fun . I love to sing so I am that annoying person in the bar singing every song I know really loud and making a scene. I don't totally suck in life.

How would I tell a school that I accepted, and paid my non-refundable deposit to that I am not going there anymore? I want to do it in a nice way, I am not sure who to contact. I feel kind of mean doing it. Will they get mad at me?

Really?! See there is totally hope for me because I sound just like your friend. Except I don't necessarily rejoice when my friends relationships end. My best friend was cheated on by her now ex and at the same time I was just starting my relationship and it was sad and weird because the roles were reversed. I was so happy to finally be something to someone after waiting for a million and ten years and she was devastated because her relationship ended. I wasn't happy at all about it ending. Then shortly after that my relationship ended so back to being sad again. How old was she when she met the guy and got married? How did she meet the guy? I have been on my own (in the single sense) for a while, I'm sick to death of it. It is boring. There just isn't anything to be happy about when single, nothing about it is fun. I mean there are somethings that are fun but most things about it aren't.