seeingeyeduck

Unfortunately yes. Once when I got an opportunity and told my mom, she said, "do you have to do that?" These days I just share with my closer friends and post a more generic announcement on Facebook to a small list of people. Then they can deal with their annoyance on their own and still like the post.

My recruit day is coming up this week and I'm excited and nervous. It's almost like a date - "will I be compatible?"

My husband is a feminist and he has no problem calling himself that. Honestly I think when guys object so viscerally (instead of intellectually) to the term there's a little insecurity and feeling threatened going on there. As far as I can tell, most nice, tolerant, open minded guys don't mind calling themselves feminists. Maybe there's a bit of gender norms creeping in too. A lot of guys don't want to be "feminin-" anything. So. This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but some of the comments here have become insults... Can we back off on the OP a little? It's presumptuous to assume she's not serious and we don't know her personally at all. Maybe she has real struggles and minimizing them or attacking her isn't going to help. It costs us nothing to respond as if she is not a troll. If you have a problem with this thread, why are you still here? Coming in just to make nasty remarks counts as trolling too and IMO is less understandable than what she's doing. Why not give people the benefit of the doubt even if you disagree completely?

Definitely but I'm not sure where to look. Does the dept itself usually have grants or do I have to look elsewhere? I looked at fellowships and scholarships at the school and the deadlines are either past or for first years. I don't have a good UG GPA anyway, so I'm not sure how that would go. Will it be easier once I'm enrolled and have a few grad classes behind me? I know that a now prof went got a tuition waiver (albeit at a different school) and then took out loans to make work, which is a little discouraging - if she couldn't even find grants... I've noticed that a lot of the local grants here go to pretty established mid career artists except for a small career development grant (but you're not allowed to use that for materials).

I know that at some point both Harvard and Stanford had programs where those who had a household income of <$100k had their tuition completely waived. I don't know if that's still the case, but I wouldn't say that the prestigious schools are out of reach for those without wealth. I'm not sure what you mean by standards are low-balled. Where I was at, yes, students complained, but if they didn't do the reading or didn't show up to class then mostly their grades suffered. I did not see the faculty or school make any effort to lower standards just so it would be easier. But at any rate, I don't understand why it's a problem - you could just hang with the people who you think are smart and do well in all your classes. I don't see what else you could expect. The reason you come off as socially impaired is because you say things like "rotting in grad school," as if it's beneath you, and you are saying it on a grad school forum, so what do you expect people to say? I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but I guess the other explanation is just that you are a rude person. It seems like you are looking for reasons to not go to grad school, and you seem to hate the academic environment so I have no idea why you would even consider going. If you're happy in the real world and can do well, why not just do that?

It sounds like the answer is no. If you need anyone else to convince you to go then it probably isn't for you. I would also point out that it is a mistake to expect everyone in a school to have the same level of dedication as you. In a world where a BA is expected for many jobs, many simply want those jobs, not the knowledge that comes with the education. College has not met your hopes and expectations, but maybe you could also adjust your expectations. Sometimes in the messy real world the stated purpose for things is not the reason why people do them. Yes, the stated goal of college is to be a place of learning and intellectual advancement but in reality, it serves as a stepping stone to a job. However, maybe you need to be at a different kind of school. There will be lazy students anywhere, but in my experience at a top school there are many people who are curious and like intellectual debate or puzzles. Perhaps you needed to be at a higher caliber school in order to challenge yourself. You mentioned that there were a few people you met who you thought were good - your strategy should be to find people like that and surround yourself with them instead of taking so much notice of others who you don't admire. The numbers are such that you can always expect people to be less like you than like you, so your task will always have to be to find the ones you can feel compatible with among the ones who aren't. Keep in mind that you are precocious in some ways so others will seem to be lagging, but just remember that at some point they will also learn to be mature. If they don't, why does that affect you at all? It doesn't prevent you from pursuing your goals or your knowledge. If you want to keep learning school is the best place to do it. You are even more unlikely to find intellectual peers in random jobs than in the academy, though of course that isn't impossible as there are smart people everywhere. If you don't like what you see in school, I'd hate to say it but the real world could be worse - office politics, answering to bosses who may not be as qualified as you, doing stuff that you don't want to do. It sounds like you are booksmart but that there are some social aspects that you don't quite have a handle on yet. Consider that what people chat about may not be a true reflection of what motivates them. I sympathize with you but in my own experience I know that I am deeply attached to my field and my ideas but that doesn't mean I say those things on a daily basis to others. Unfortunately passion can come off as too intense in everyday conversation, where some people do complain and vent, but that is just an emotional coping mechanism to deal with stress, not a perfect reflection of their level of dedication or their intellectual capacity. I've learned to not judge people by how they act in conversation. They can still be capable of a lot. Sometimes people are careful about what they say because they don't want to be perceived as a know it all. There is a strain of anti-intellectualism in our culture (for some reason showing your smarts is often construed as elitism?!). If you really are smarter than most, then just roll with it and be glad. You can't expect everyone to conform to your standards. Not everyone is like you and they needn't be to be happy or successful on their own terms. If you've been disappointed where you've been, take it as a sign that you need to aim higher.

That's good! I think it helps to remember that you don't go from one way of thinking to another instantly. You start out by just basically having an argument in your own head where you try to convince yourself of what you want to believe rather than what you do believe now. You listen to others (your therapist) about what those arguments might be, then every time you find yourself thinking the old pattern, you say to yourself, "stop that, I know that this is a destructive way to think about this. Instead, such and such argument..." It's totally unconvincing at first but believe it or not, after some time, you will start to internalize it. For example, how you can't be happy for your friends at the moment. It just sounds like at the moment you think that happiness will be brought on if certain things happen in your life. What I've learned is that it is about a way of thinking about others and things that happen that is peaceful and optimistic, where you can find joy in many things, including good things that happen to others as well as to yourself. That way, you are less dependent on specific events for your happiness, more reliant on yourself! If you can only enjoy good things that happen to you, then by definition that is a smaller pool of happiness you can draw from than if you could be happy for others too. You seem resigned to feeling bad when good things happen to others because "that is just how you feel and you can't help it," but some of us believe a person can in fact help it. It is just another mental/emotional skill that can be worked on. Why not ask your therapist how to help yourself to think that way? That doesn't mean you won't be a little sad when others get something you want. We all do whether some admit it or not. It is only natural to feel the loss of something you desire. Feeling happy for others doesn't mean you don't feel the sting, but we are complex creatures who can feel many things at once and the key is to also open yourself up to feel good that something positive has happened to someone you care about. It can be an uncomfortable mess of conflicting feelings, it is true. It crosses the line into jealousy when you cannot feel anything but sadness and envy. All the positive is outweighed by that and it sounds like you cannot get past the jealousy right now. I don't think this makes you a bad person. You just need some guidance and mental practice. The funny thing is that once you are able to feel good for your friends, it actually makes you feel better. Because positive feelings feel better than negative ones! Why not take the positive feelings anywhere you can! There will be a lot of things in life that you will want and sometimes others get them while you don't. If you can't develop the ability to still be positive towards your friends regardless, you will have more negative feelings than if you can be happy for them. That is the state you are in now - not only are you feeling bad because of your own situation, you are feeling worse on top of that because of others' situations. Your jealousy is making your emotional state worse, is it not? So our suggestions were to work on that in order to increase the amount of positive in your life. If you do then it won't feel as bad as you do now. Maybe part of it is not judging yourself for being jealous. Right now it seems like not only do you get jealous and hurt but in then that makes you feel bad about yourself. Admit that you want what you want and it makes you sad to not have it but disconnect it from your friends' life. Remember that they are not trying to hurt you and that you can have fun and feel good with them still. One of the hardest things in life is to be able to absorb pain that is no one's fault. Don't blame them or yourself for how you feel. You can only recognize it and try to do things to change it. Does that make sense to you? If it does, tell yourself some of those things. Ask yourself if you care about your friends and think of what about your bond makes you feel close to them to begin with. Try to remind yourself of those things if you hit a topic of conversation that makes you jealous. Try to feel the bond with them that isn't related to what you're talking about at the moment and in the beginning, frankly just fake it. Learn to be a good enough sport to say congrats or "good for you" when they have good news even if it feels like crap at first. At least then people won't think you're unable to feel happy for others, because believe me, it becomes noticeable. And just be upfront with your therapist. Say, "I know what you are saying but I have no idea how to start thinking that way. What are the actual steps I need to take? How do I know if I'm making progress?" Or find a therapist who can give you more concrete solutions. Therapists do differ in their approaches too.

The point isn't to make you feel bad. The point is to show you what that kind of result that kind of thinking can lead to. The fact that some random couple's attractiveness compatibility can actually be a strong dislike for you indicates that you are thinking way too much about other people and evaluating people as well as yourself. Yes, sometimes couples can be mismatched in looks - no one is denying that. But why would it matter to anyone but them? It is their business, just like who you're attracted to is your business. The way this works is that if you don't extend the courtesy of not judging to others, then they are unlikely to extend it to you. That is the dynamic in this thread. People are lashing out at you because you have said judgmental things about others, even if it's not specifically directed at people here. We're trying to tell you that your internal state affects the kind of man you attract. If you are unhappy with the types you attract, you can only blame external circumstances for so long before needing to look within. There is something about either the way you think of relationships and men, or the way you think about yourself, or at least what you project to others about those things during interactions that is not having the effect you want. We're suggesting more self-reflection and an effort to be happy without a man as the new approach. No, that is not like "do this, then do that, then you will be fine!" But it is in fact a change you can make; it is about a new way of thinking rather than actions. But in the end we don't know you at all! If you have a therapist, then they should be able to suggest a concrete plan or to talk you through it. What have they suggested anyway? Have you really considered trying that instead of saying, "I am stubborn so I don't change"?

Lol, good lord I hope this thread doesn't get closed. Whether it's for real or not, it's too epic and entertaining...

See, this is where you go wrong. I agree that you can have whatever standards you want, it is a very personal preference and your own private business. However, there's a difference between saying "I prefer not to date men with brown teeth," which is understandable, and saying "only people with low standards date men with brown teeth and if anyone attractive dated him it would be a downgrade." You've moved from stating a personal preference to full on judging others and projecting your own standards onto them. You're allowed to set your own standards but when you make comments about who can do better in the looks department and who is dating a downgrade, you are making a lot of assumptions about other people that may not be true. This is the definitive of being judgmental. What we're trying to get through to you is that being judgmental is not an attractive trait because attractiveness to men is more than just pure looks. If you really want to date smart rather than just date a lot, then maybe it's good to take a look at your personality too. Frankly, only having looks will get you dates but that's not the type of girl decent, interesting and smart guys want to stay with.

Hate to say it, but it sounds like you have a fairly shallow group of friends. I don't think anyone I've ever known has ever made comments like that, so I would I fact consider them uncommon, esp considering that most people in this thread also don't believe such things. But since you seem to believe in it so much, let me point this out to you: what does it mean about your own looks if you are not attracting the kind of attractive men that you want? If you were a 9 you would attract 9s. As you said, people tend to date within roughly equivalent levels of attractiveness. So maybe you should take a good look in the mirror and recalibrate your expectations. You keep asking why you don't deserve a relationship when we say NO ONE deserves a relationship. This is true because no one deserves ANYTHING. None of us are entitled to anything - you can try to accomplish what you want in life and to better yourself but that doesn't mean some karmic force will automatically give you what you want. Sometimes bad people get what they want, sometimes good people don't get what they want. Life has never operated out of some cosmic justice or fairness. It just doesn't work that way because so many things are out of our control. Also, you say you want a relationship and are willing to work to get one but it sounds like you have very high standards. Not that that's a bad thing but you have to recognize that practically, if you have a picky filter, you will be less likely to find someone who meets your standards and thus less likely to begin a relationship at all. We are trying to point out different approaches because logically, if what you have been doing has not been working in the past then it is unlikely to work in the future. A new approach may be necessary and we are just observing that you are not really willing to entertain them.

I think they are good to try if you are actually unmotivated and find it hard to function. However, if you are just down over life events or relationships, then you should be more careful. As someone said, they do make you dependent after a while and you need to be tapered off them. I knew someone who went through a rough divorce and got on them but ended up hating them because of the dependency issue. My rule of thumb is if you think this is a temporary rather than pathological or permanent thing, then try all other avenues before meds. Therapy can help too, esp if you are going to school and will be able to get free sessions.

Should you even bring up finances if the dept doesn't say something like "let us know if you have other offers?" My offer included tuition waiver and a TAship for half of the second year of a masters program. This is for the arts so I'm wondering if they are just less able to fund students than PhD programs or other depts. The letter even says "even in these difficult economic times we are able to offer you..." So I wonder if it's a sign that negotiation would not be welcome. I don't want to get off on the wrong foot with them if I do decide to go...

Well, if it happens in be future, just think about what will happen if you say no. Even if he has been flaky, is it worth introducing friction or tension into the relationship/interactions? I assume you're stuck with this guy for the remainder of your time there...

Wow, that would be amazing to recreate. I assume though that they were not alone?! You'd have to fit more people into your canoe (are they the giant long ones?) for company. I'm glad everyone is finally receiving the decisions and offers!

Well, to be blunt, there's no "nice" way to do it since you are breaking an agreement. But they can't force you to go. Just give your reasons and apologies. Say that finances are important to you and that not worrying about them as much would enable you to focus entirely on your studies. On the other hand, would you go to the school if they matched the higher offer?

I think so, as long as you don't become difficult if they say they dont have the time to do it. I think it shows initiative and a willingness to improve. It's certainly a good idea if you want to apply there again.

Depends on what field? But Berkeley has been sending official decisons via their online system so it won't be long!

I think they've at least made all their first wave offers by now.

I went through a pretty rough period too, and graduated late because of that. It made me grow up emotionally, and looking back I can't really believe how immature I was in so many ways. I've learned to not be a perfectionist, that you can't plan out your life exactly, and that the failure itself doesn't necessarily mean a bad outcome - it's about how you recover from it and what you learn. That's made me able to deal with setbacks in a calmer and more rational way, and I think that is a sign of maturity. The biggest thing though was learning to take responsibiilty for my decisions and life. That's easier said than done, because I do think a lot of people go down the route of least resistance, whether emotionally or in terms of career, and to some extent that means you're not totally the one in charge of your life direction. UG was a lot of thrashing around learning how to stand up for myself and not cave to other people, which was really hard for me. I think of the practical "adult living" stuff as independence rather than maturity. Yes, it was a big deal to go to college and start managing my own money, deciding how to use my own time, setting all my own services/accounts, but ultimately that novelty wore off! I was amused by just getting to do daily stuff for myself for about a year, and then I just got acclimated to it, and it doesn't feel like anything other than "normal." I don't know that buying my own groceries makes me a mature person or just a responsible one, but maybe the two are closely linked.

Try this on for size: how about you make sure you are clear in your own head about which factors are important and what questions you need to ask, then you go and systematically make observations about those factors. For example, you could decide that one factor is the biggest factor but that you will lightly consider others. That means, you allow yourself to check it out and to observe the good parts but you still know exactly how your decision is going to be weighted, and you don't allow a moment's good vibes to change that decision. I'm just afraid that you might go and find the people nice and start rethinking when it may still be in your long term best interest to go to A. I had a friend who had to choose between full funding at UCLA and no funding at Columbia for law. She chose C because it was a better school and she didn't want to have regrets, but given that her interest was labor law instead of lucrative corporate law, the debt is a huge stressor in her life right now to the point where she is thinking about it all the time. So we don't always correctly predict how we will feel about something in the future. Have you heard of the Daniel Gilbert book called Stumbling on Happiness? His study showed that people are terrible predictors of what is best for their future selves and the people who were happiest about their decisions were the ones who sought out others who had made similar decisions in the past and talked to them about whether they were happy about their decision in retrospect. So if you have time to do this before deciding about the visit, see if you can get in touch with former students. Sometimes we drive ourselves crazy trying to decide in our own heads about something with which we have no experience in the first place - so what are we really basing our decision on? Get some "data"!

I didn't mention either. I just said "after graduation..." Without even using the school name. It was a good school but they can just glance at my CV. If raising your GPA is part of your narrative, then do it but otherwise, what's the point? Don't mention them just to mention them. It's supposed to be about your research interests and goals.

I was freaking out about transport costs but I did some digging and it looks like we can get something called the Class Pass which allows students to ride local AC Transit for free. It doesn't work for BART but there is a line that goes over the bridge into the city. That's a relief. I think you can get by without a car. There are bike paths in Berkeley and it's still dense enough for stores and most things to be accessible. Berkeley Bowl isn't too far from campus or Ashby BART. You can always take your bike on BART when needed. Maybe you can google map some types of stores that you need and see how far from campus/housing they are. Though I assume street permits are a lot cheaper than the campus student parking permits since they're residential rather than for campus. It's just that I don't qualify since I wouldn't be living in the city.

The question is what will you do if you end up liking B? Will you actually change your mind and go? If you would be willing to take on the debt, then you should visit just in case. If ultimately you will make a decision based on finances and will not go anyway, you should just save your money now and try to make peace with your decision. Otherwise you're just dangling what you can't have in front of your own nose and touring yourself!

I was constrained by location and funding so I applied to only 3. If money wasn't a problem I would've applied to 5. But it worked out, and I'm glad that I saved on app fees. I can't even imagine paying the fees for more than 5 schools.