HistoryGypsy

30 right now, but I'll turn 31 a few months before I start.

I know how you feel! My first thought after my initial euphoria at getting accepted was, "Oh no! Now I actually have to live up to everything I said I could do in my SOP!"

Wasn't CMU one of the two schools that accidentally accepted all of the undergraduates that they had already rejected in one of their programs back in the fall? Seems to me that they are getting really careless. Gosh, my heart goes out to all of you that went through that mess yesterday. I wish you all the best. That just seems really, really inexcusably sloppy from a university of CMU's prestige. The least they could do is refund the application fee and actually apologize by phone. Their behavior was not professional and was not what one expects to see from a university of that caliber.

I don't think it will hurt much. I was told that they care much more about what you've done recently and about how you did in your masters program. As long as your GRE scores are good, your SOP was good, your LORs are good, your research matches the interests of the faculty . . . see, plenty of other things for them to look at!

I would really, really, really caution you not to do a PhD without funding (unless you have LOTS of spare cash laying around). It's a lot of debt to take on and, unlike with a masters, there's really no guarantee that you'll make that money back in terms of career experience. I would work and save for a year and then try again. During this time, maybe you can do a project or something to make next year's application even better, so that you can have a better shot at funding next time around. For myself, I waited on purpose to get some experience that would make me more competitive because I knew that without funding, a PhD wasn't an option. I really hope things work out for you.

    Yep, American Studies at Penn State! I think they made their decisions for that program rather early this year. I would imagine they'd be making history decisions before too long.

I think the biggest thing is that people don't understand that American Studies is a separate program -- they all seem to be under the impression that it's a concentration. So when I talk about things that I plan to study, I get interrupted by confused questions like, "But I thought you were going to major in American Studies?" I think my favorite of all comments, however, is probably the multiple-times-heard, "But you're already an American." I think they may have my program mixed up in their minds with studying for citizenship!

I had made this great little calendar to calm myself, using the past 2-3 years' data to determine when the likely times were for hearing back from universities. That way I could focus on just being stressed/worried about the universities that typically respond at any given point. And now it seems like all of the ones I applied to are doing things way earlier or later than ever before! My little calendar is utterly useless. Maybe they're on to us?

Last night I, as usual, had multiple browsers open. Being in China, the few websites that aren't blocked usually take FOREVER to load, so I'll typically have something open to read (news and such) while I'm waiting on the slow-loaders. And, of course, the Grad Cafe results search is almost always open. Well, I was clicking back and forth to see if the university site (one of only two that I keep checking that is not blocked in China -- for the other three, I just have to live in suspense until they either email me or mail my letter to my parents) had loaded, and suddenly I saw that most magic of words, "Accepted." Just as I prepared to shout out in joy, I realized, to my utter chagrin, that I had clicked open the Grad Cafe tab instead of the university tab. Now I've reached the point where I'm faking myself out, apparently!

wine list

Penn State has at last awakened, so I would imagine more will follow suit this week. For some reason, my scores got switched around when I submitted my results -- should be 163 V and 151 Q. No idea why it messed that up. I had heard that Michigan had temporarily ceased their program and so didn't apply, but now that I see people managed to apply there, I suspect I had faulty info. Too bad; I would have liked to apply there, too.

I was thinking/hoping that once the English and History programs start getting responses, American Studies should too. Doesn't that seem logical, since they share many of the same faculty? Or am I just getting myself perked up for no reason?

On the bright side, I always did want to take the time to learn more about wine. And now, courtesy of these past two weeks, mission accomplished!

Over the weekend, I decided to reread my SOPs to try to reassure myself that they really were not that horrible (yes, I am a blithering idiot). And then I saw it . . . the sentence without a verb. On the essay that I must have read over at least two dozen times and even forced my poor roommate to read. Yes, I "Gibbs-slapped" myself in the back of the head for that one!

Does anyone else hate weekends now? It's bad enough hating the week because of my high stress job; now the weekends, which used to be the release at the end of five days of misery, are ten times worse and drag out nearly as long. I wish at least one school would just say SOMETHING. Anything. Even a rejection is better than constant silence. Two programs had final application dates back in December and they still haven't starting accepting/rejecting/wait-listing! (At least, not according to Grad Cafe.) I've been mentally beating myself up for weeks for only applying to six schools, especially when I see people getting accepted to schools that I either outright decided against or chickened out of applying to. I just couldn't bear to see more of my meager money going down the drain (spent over $800 on this whole business, counting GRE and all). I've already given notice at my job, so if every place rejects me, that means I'm moving back to America in four months with nothing waiting for me.

Six programs, and nary a peep. I keep staring at my email, waiting for something to dance or leap out at me, then I dart back here to refresh the results page and see what's different. I keep checking history departments and English departments with the thought that, "Surely since they share staff with American Studies, if one moves, the other must, too." And then when I see all the programs that I DIDN'T apply to getting results, the self-loathing kicks in and I start criticizing myself for not applying to USC or UT or Washington State . . . and then I go check my email again. It's a vicious cycle. They need to either start accepting/rejecting/wait-listing me or else all pitch and pay for my therapy!

So, how many times a day are you guys checking Grad Cafe? I'm forcibly limiting myself to no more than five! I keep trying to tell myself that no news is good news and that worry has no benefit whatsoever, but then in the next second I'm wanting to view the results page again!

I swore my parents to secrecy because I didn't want to have to explain to all the relatives if I happen to get rejected from all six schools I applied to (WHY was I such a fool to only do six?!?!?!) . . . and now I believe we're up to at least eight relatives dear Mumsie has blabbed to. Sigh. It's touching how much she believes in me, but now I feel all this added family pressure suddenly. It would be the first PhD on either side of the family (I also have the first MA and will soon have the first M.Ed.), so I guess my mother wouldn't be human if she weren't a little excited. In other awkwardness, my dear China is still happily blocking absolutely every website that I need to access . . . except Grad Cafe for some reason. Odd. Usually the government dislikes any site that people use for communication.

I've bought some really good classical music (such as Alison Balsom) off iTunes and when I get overly worried or stressed out, I take a hot shower with the lights out and an aromatherapy candle burning while my music plays. Or, I sip hot chocolate, wine, or tea (depending on day/time) while I listen to classical music. Sometimes I listen to a good Terry Pratchett novel (they're all good, actually) on Audible while I play a rousing game of Age of Empires and solidly defeat Napoleon or Ivan the Terrible.

meal worm

I keep having similar worries, since I contacted program chairs for each school but didn't do POIs for each school. However, I finally just decided that I can make this wait more miserable for myself or I can force myself to relax and just see what happens. Worry never won the prize, so I'm trying to put it out of my mind.

Brown requires three LORs for my program, but gives you the option of submitting up to five. Knowing that three of my former profs were very busy and two of those three had been suffering considerable health issues, I went ahead and sent out for five people to write LORs for me. However, one person was unable to write -- meaning that I have four letters in, but one still listed that has never arrived. I went on to my application and tried to delete the extra, but with no luck, and I certainly don't want to bother him about it now (he was a wonderful prof, but is very ill now and would feel tremendously guilty if he realized he had forgotten such an important letter). Is that missing letter, realistically, going to hurt my chances at all, since I do have one more than the minimum?

I am convinced that I wrote horrid SOPs, and that my lack of publishing is going to bite me. Sigh. Once I was a happy, carefree person, full of joie de vivre . . . and then came the day when I decided to apply for my PhD.