orange turtle

We had our meeting this morning and it was a series of tongue-tied awkwardness. I went in determined to do this as dignified as I could, chair fumbled all the way, and finally I just laughed and called a halt to the meeting. And said--how about we just agree I was never there and you didn't see anything? He started to laugh after that. So tension was broken. And the funniest part was when he walked me out, there was a some leftovers from the lab meeting next door on the table. And on the table was hummus, dip and pita. He just looked at me and said very seriously "I didn't see anything.". So as far as we are concerned, nothing happened. All is good! ?

@a_sort_of_fractious_angel Thanks for that perspective. It is very helpful to hear from someone on the "other side." And I'm glad you helped the guy! @Sigaba Yeah, I was thinking about the humour piece but was also very aware of how it will be perceived. Having been subjected to sexual harassment myself, I am very aware of how things can go wrong and fast. At this point, I don't quite care anymore. I can't make him un-see things and I have to see this man at least once a year. And I will be seeing him during department events as well so it's not like I can spend all my time avoiding him. I would need to GPS track him for that, and I am VERY sure that would be harassment. Oh. I didn't think HE would be worried about a sexual harassment charge. But good point--I'll be extra careful to not make it worse. All in all, I'm glad I didn't have a bigger injury. Just 4 stitches and a badge of honour across my forehead. I am wearing a The Hulk band aid today. That should be harmless enough.

The thing I am more concerned about is if it might be perceived as sexual harassment. We are meeting to talk about an unavoidable nudity incident and his awkward comment and I show up teasing him. I guess I am going in with the "upper hand" in this meeting as he probably is much more uncomfortable than I will be now.

I got an email from chair this morning saying we should meet. I am tempted to put a sticker of a wine bottle on the bandaid on my forehead since I got covered in wine but I don't know if he has a sense of humour.

@schenar @Hope.for.the.best @E-P @Sigaba Thank you for your responses and suggestions. (@E-P you gave me a very good laugh, and if this wasn't a prof, I would actually do it) Well, update from these-things-only-happen-to-me. I took your advice to say thank you with a card, think about what I want to say, look him in the eye and all that. So I went to the drug store today to pick up some cards. At the exact moment I walked in, grad chair walks out. Neither of us could even pretend we didn't see the other because it was the same small door, and there was no one nearby. There was a very awkward silence, we both stared at our feet, he mumbled something, but then I collected myself and stated in as dignified a manner as I could something like: I am feeling very self-conscious but I wanted to say thank you for making sure I was ok and getting medical help. It came out in a bit of a squeak and I know I was flushing, but I got it out without dying from embarrassment. That's when it went quite south. Just as I was finishing my sentence, he blurts out "from what I saw, you have nothing to be embarrassed about!!!" I saw his look of horror immediately after he said it and he blushed horribly. Of course, I was horrified. We both mumbled a hasty goodbye and bolted in the opposite direction. I am not sure how either of us will face each other in August now. If this was a friend like Chandler and Rachel in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. in that episode where Chandler accidentally caught Rachel coming out of the shower, I guess I could always joke and say "You've seen mine, now show me yours" but omg, this is my prog chair.

Something very very embarrassing happened to me recently. My grad chair had a social event for the grad students at his house. It was summer, the weather was nice, 2 students in the program had successfully defended, 1 faculty member got a huge award. Many students and faculty showed up. Anyway, sometime at the end of the social gathering, there was a bit of an unfortunate mishap when one of my classmates who was helping with the cleaning up slipped near the pool and basically covered me in hummus, spinach dip, chilli, olive oil and wine. The prof gave me a towel and let me use the guest bathroom to shower as even my hair was covered in food. His daughter lent me some clothes. I don't quite remember what happened after that. Apparently I had somehow slipped in the shower (must be the olive oil!) and cut my head. I woke up in the hospital later with stitches. A classmate went to the hospital with me and she said that the prof had gotten very worried when I was in the shower for a very long time. He got his daughter to knock and when there was no answer after a while, he broke the lock. Prof and daughter found me lying out cold in the shower and he carried me out. I vaguely remember my prof calling me and a male paramedic but not much else. I am very grateful I was rescued and that I didn't drown and my injury isn't too bad, but I am also horribly mortified that a male prof who is also my grad chair has seen me stark naked. The grad students in my program have a one-on-one meeting with the grad chair in August every year for a progress update and I have my meeting with him in the first week of August. I am just too embarrassed to show up. I know it was necessary because I was injured but just thinking about it is making me cringe. We have not had any communication since the incident and although I want to thank him, I am so horrified. Someone please please tell me something similar has happened to them and they survived and they have advice or suggestions of what to do. I guess he might be embarrassed as well. *red red red face*

This is interesting for two reasons. a) it's clear the same situation can be interpreted in different ways by the person experiencing it and also the person who listens to the story. b) Not many people in my program have tattoos that are visible! Maybe they have them but don't show them, I don't know. But definitely not many who have them. Even hairstyles are "normal" and very visible piercings are the conventional nose and ear ones. Guess program cultures vary. Thanks for sharing!

I guess the good news is I am not paranoid. The bad news is some profs are creepy.

@juilletmercredi Thank you for validating my feelings. It is very exhausting: instead of wondering how to make my science better, I am wondering about which parts of my skin I should cover and which parts are "safe" to show.

All my friends in biomedical and related fields wear jeans, tshirts, and shirts to the lab. Some also wear exercise attire. There will be lab dress codes to adhere to (e.g., closed shoes, long pants) but I rarely see people dress up except when presenting or teaching. Even then, some don't follow that rule. I'm on the west coast though and it's chilled here. I suggest visiting campus before school starts and just hanging out in the building and people watching if you don't feel comfortable reaching out to current students as @Sangria1700 suggested. You can often learn a lot just by people watching.

Agreed with being more careful when teaching, and I definitely do dress up more when doing teaching and presentations. Good reminder! The "didn't expect you to have a tattoo" is the part that actually extra creeps me up. I recently happened to read this paper that suggested men tended to think a woman with a tattoo was more likely to sleep with them. Couple it with the wink and I'm feeling quite creeped. (Not saying all men are like this as I know many gentlemen). Guess I will be going back to wearing my more professional clothes. It can be so hard to be a woman in a male-dominated field. I am tired.

This is the deal: I have a tattoo on the back of one of my shoulder blades. It's a science geeky tattoo. Small (about 2 inch by 2 inch?), not flashy, but noticeable. I often forget it is there. I also usually wear sleeved clothes. It's the summer now and I have been wearing more sleeveless tops, and in some of them, the tattoo can be seen. Last week, I wore a sleeveless cotton shirt and during lunch, went to sit outside to enjoy the weather. One of the guy profs in my program was eating his lunch outside and we acknowledged each other. When he was passing me going back in, he said "I really like that tattoo on you" and then winked and left. I'm really self-conscious now. Was that behaviour okay? I have never thought about covering it up, but now I am not so sure. However, I wasn't "flashing" it or anything. Honestly, I forgot it was there. Is inking inappropriate for school? Should I cover it up to prevent the whole...if you show it, it means you want me to see behaviour? I was really creeped out by the prof and his comment. Help! Edit: Would your answer to my question be different if the prof had said "Nice tattoo" or "I really like that tattoo" or "Cool tattoo" without the "...on you" and winking?

@fuzzylogician and @rising_star Thank you for the thoughts and suggestions! I'm going to go look into this. End and beginning of term comes with a lot of work, thus my late reply.

Hey SSHRCers, I just wanted to send a note to say if you have been awarded the fellowship, congratulations! If you were not successful this time around, try again. There is a huge amount of many unknown variables, and as sucky as it sounds, there is a huge amount of luck involved. Don't take it personally if you were rejected (been there). You (We) are better and more valuable than the score on your (our) application. We are all out there doing work we believe in, putting our blood, sweat, and tears into our fields, and we go back over and over no matter how many times we fail because we believe we have something to contribute to society. That's something to be proud of. I am so proud of all of you!

Hi. I have noticed that one of the students in the class I TA has been looking progressively more distressed over the winter term. She has not been participating in discussions as much, lost quite a lot of weight, comes to class with dark rings under her eyes, and I can see her collarbones when she takes off her jacket. At the end of classes last month, she asked me if I would be TAing another class she was interested in in the fall, and when I said yes, she said she was going to take it. I will be seeing her again in a few months. Should I say something if I notice that she still looks distressed? Should I say something now? I can't quite tell if the distress is stress from school, life, illness, or drug abuse, and I don't want to guess. I feel responsible to say something, but I don't know how. All the web pages I googled say to approach her in private, ask her how she is doing, express concern, listen, acknowledge my limitation in expertise, suggest resources without forcing her to use the resources, and follow-up. What do you think? Has anyone here tried it? What strategies worked? I struggled and am still struggling with my own life. I do wish professors had approached me to ask how I was doing because as I learned, several noticed. I don't want the same to happen to her but am not sure if she would feel the same way I did about being approached. Advise, please and thanks.