eternalwhitenights

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

Actually, I am so grateful you posted this! You articulated much of what I was trying to say, but didn't know the words for, in many ways. Especially, when you said:
"References to recent and/or especially rampant violence, death, racism, abuse...etc. are all things that should scream "don't talk about this in a completely unrelated space."
No matter how nicely you say something, or tack on an apology or explanation afterwards, it can still hurt people badly. And I don't know about anyone else, but when I'm hurt, the last thing I want to deal with is the person that hurt me in any capacity, no matter if they want to help or hurt again." ---
that is exactly what I realized when I took a step back and thought about how mentioning events of such trauma or hurt, however well-intentioned--I took a step back and realized just how much I need to think before posting something like that, just like you said, in a completely unrelated space. I should have thought a LOT more carefully about that, and I will take that lesson to heart moving forward. 
And, I don't know if this is weird to say, but I actually don't think you have to say "it's okay" or anything to that effect to me at all (as much as I appreciate the kindness), because, the fact is, I did hurt people from vulnerable communities in some way, and that matters, a lot. It's this super weird, simultaneous type of dual tension of, what I said wasn't *okay*, persay, because it did trigger, or hurt someone in a vulnerable community, and yet, at the same time, my feelings and heart matter, too, and I have to watch out in myself for just downplaying or ignoring my own heart in important discussions for the sake of keeping the peace, or because I'm embarrassed at what I said--whatever the reason may be. It's a very delicate line to walk, and balancing on it/navigating it is a biatch, but at least for me, what it really comes down to is, someone got hurt, and the least important thing in that situation is comforting me or reassuring me that I'm a "good" human or whatever, because the most important factor (again, to me at least) is that someone who is vulnerable got hurt, I played some part in that, and while, as you said, there's no possible way to know what is going to trigger each individual person, if there is anything I can do to learn from it, or learn how to be more loving, I want to know how I can.
Seriously, thanks so much for posting that. ❤️ You really captured many of the things I was trying to say.  Also, I hope you're doing okay re: the triggers you mentioned; I'll keep you in my prayers extra, and I'm sending you big, ginormous hugs across the Interwebs for any instances you've experienced, especially recently, that have traumatized, triggered, or hurt you in any way. I hope your heart is all right. ❤️

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

I would just like to post a friendly reminder that when we quote reply trolls, those quotes remain up even after their deletions by grad cafe moderators.
Feel free to choose how you prefer to use this info, but just wanted to post that thought.

I don't want anyone to get offended or get angry at anyone else. I don't expect anyone to like or upvote this post. However, I do feel like it's an important thing to think about, that it's worth something. I can't be the only one here that needs to hear something like this.
I edited this down to the things that really mattered. I wrestled with saying "You did your best to apologize" or "It's okay". But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I replaced a trigger for people of color with my worst trigger. It fucked with my head, because I knew that for a good chunk of people, how I feel about my worst trigger is exactly how other people feel about their triggers tied to current events.
It's can be hard to predict what people will or will not be triggered by, I get it. My new trigger is particularly hard to know unless I mention it, or I get triggered and have to explain anyway. References to recent and/or especially rampant violence, death, racism, abuse...etc. are all things that should scream "don't talk about this in a completely unrelated space."
No matter how nicely you say something, or tack on an apology or explanation afterwards, it can still hurt people badly. And I don't know about anyone else, but when I'm hurt, the last thing I want to deal with is the person that hurt me in any capacity, no matter if they want to help or hurt again.
I know you didn't mean any of this, but not knowing how something hurt somebody isn't a great defense when the information is there and you haven't found all the answers yet.
I'm sorry.

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

I honestly admire your willingness to "turn the other cheek", as it were. But Imho, you weren't doing any harm, and I'm sure there were a lot of silent people who appreciated your uplifting tones. I'm not saying this because I think you should go back, I'm just saying that you shouldn't consider your time there to be net-negative when you have no way of knowing how often and how powerfully the things you said uplifted others. 

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

Holy shit, that blew up! ? *waves awkwardly* So, yeah, I'm totally fine! Sorry to have worried anyone unnecessarily.

Yes, I did choose to leave Draft for my own mental health purposes. I found that a lot of the latest interactions that were occurring on there were really causing me to spend more time than necessary on and in the group, and recent exchanges especially were actually causing me some pretty deep pain in my heart and causing me to get into a bit of a negative head space, and it just wasn't life-giving for me anymore (and it certainly didn't seem like my contributions were life-giving anymore to others), so I decided to remove myself from the group for everyone's (both myself and the group's) overall wellness.

While I absolutely have loved (and still love) celebrating in everyone's successes and journeys to and through the MFA, some of the posts I made recently in Draft really seemed to do more harm than good for some Draft members, especially for members of color, and that is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I ever, ever wanted my words to cause or be a part of, especially within the context of me being a white woman.
Essentially (and I will try to sum this up as briefly as possible), the "Black" issue Marshall is referring to is (which, btw, Marshall, that's racist--Black people have every right to speak up, and I would hope they can feel safe speaking up with me, if I said something that hurt them, or any member of color, frankly, especially within the context of if a statement I made (however inadvertently) triggers or causes trauma to people of color--I'm glad they speak up, so I can take a step back and learn. I do not know everything, nor can, or should, I try to police a BIPOC person's lived experience. Anyway, I digress.) (I guess?) what kind of kicked off the whole thing. I think it was about a week ago, that I was just feeling incredibly grateful and heart-full in my heart, at seeing how many BIPOC members had succeeded in gaining acceptances this year. It was just one of those overflowing joy moments I sometimes get. It was so moving for me to see this in the context of all I had learned over these past several months about systemic racism, and, personally, I just think it's a milestone to be celebrated, especially in the context of all the racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and threatened existence that marginalized communities have not only continued to experience, but have endured being amped up publicly on steroids with all of the crisises of this past year, especially with these people out here feeling emboldened to publicly, violently act on their racist beliefs, ipso facto far-right domestic terrorists acting out their shitty, chauvinistic fantasies, and thinking they're invincible from consequences while doing so. All of us have seen the news, seen the lives lost, seen the tragedies that occur.
I wrote a post on Draft that was intended to celebrate these milestones, both systemically and individually, because I think it's a tremendous accomplishment to persist in goals despite, and even with, such uncertainty and tragedy occurring in multitudes around oneself (and especially within the context of how difficult this season was overall within the context of COVID). One of the ways I tend to write and relate to people overall, both as a human and as a creative, is to discuss how events, stories, etc. have deeply moved me and inspired me, in my own heart; and, in the context of discussing issues affecting marginalized communities, especially as an ally, I want to express, loudly and clearly, my support, encouragement, and acknowledgement that I recognize how many barriers they have had to cross (the whole, "work twice as hard for half the result" thing) to even get to a place that I, in my privilege, either have had easier access to, or can easily take for granted without stopping and taking a moment to consider others' experiences.
I saw last summer in my own personal life and online activity how insanely, insanely vital and important it was to my own Black, international, first-generation, etc. friends in my own life, that white people actually speak up and take a stand against racism, especially in the face of so much silence, denial, avoidance, violence, and dismissal from other white people. (In my own life, I sobbed, several times, at the hardheartedness and the intractability I saw from members of my own faith, from family and friends, and just from so many in society at large, regarding issues of racism, and especially in brushing off or glossing over at how these issues were resulting in losses of beautiful, precious lives, that (as an example) Black men being murdered by police aren't just numbers on a graph; they're humans, with vital, beautiful stories of their own, and they deserve to be honored, treasured, and remembered with dignity, not expostulated upon as a conglomeration of stereotypes or dehumanizing rhetoric (which I witnessed from white friends and family in spades, and which I have tried to speak out against as much as I could, because it's the freaking right thing to do, and their lives MATTER).)
Perhaps naively, I brought this same mentality of just wanting to express celebration and joy, and be my naturally vocal, enthusiastic self, to my initial post on Draft intending to celebrate BIPOC success, and so I wrote the post, and published it. Within about thirty minutes, I received a private message from a fellow Draft member letting me know that a lot of what I had posted had triggered and/or hurt and/or traumatized members of color of the group, and they explained to me certain aspects of how I had done this via my narrative choices. I immediately deleted the post because I did NOT want to trigger anybody else, or cause anymore trauma, and since there had been no public emotional labor done in terms of a person of color explaining what was troubling to them about the post (which I would have most definitely left up to serve as a teachable moment and just for accountability's sake in general, as well as in recognition of the emotional labor that would have been performed by said hypothetical person of color), I evaluated the situation and concluded that deleting it would be the wisest and most loving thing to do in that moment.
Later that day, because of the information shared with me via that private message, that my initial post had traumatized several members of the Draft community, I wrote a public apology post stating essentially what I told you above, that hurting or triggering BIPOC members of the community was the last thing I intended with my initial post, and that I welcomed anyone messaging me if they wanted to share how I had hurt them, or if they wanted to vent, or just be heard in general, and I would be happy to listen, and try to take to heart what they shared, so I could be a better ally/friend overall moving forward. This post (I still don't totally know why totally, tbh, but I tried to take it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect, and just listen and learn more overall) resulted in a mute for three days, which I tried to understand as best I could, and which I actually messaged the moderator about privately and said thank you (I don't believe the moderator has read or seen my message, at least as of this writing), and apologized once again for any hurt I had caused to vulnerable members of the community. I also said to please let me know if there was any further action I needed to take from a reparational standpoint, and that I would be happy to do it.
After I took some time to reflect on the words in my post (I do regret deleting it without saving it, because I unfortunately don't have a textual record of it to better reflect/analyze how what I said could have harmed people of color, so I can adjust any future communications I make accordingly), I DMed (for the second time) the person who had initially alerted me to the discomfort my initial post had caused for Draft members of color, and thanked them for taking the time to speak up and let me know the issue right away so I could prevent any further damage/harm from being done via my words in my initial post. I also just wanted to let them know that, after taking some time to reflect, I could see how one of the points they had made in their initial message (essentially, how a post that seemed to intend celebration ended up (via the aforementioned expression of my feelings, and talking about how the events of this past year had moved me to my core) ended up centering myself and my feelings instead, and triggering/traumatizing members accordingly), and that their words had had an impact on me, and I appreciated them taking the time to write out their message to me, especially because I was conscious that it must have taken emotional labor on their end to do so. They responded, and I was told by them that their silence to my initial message should have been clue enough that they weren't inviting any further responses from me, and that my message saying, "Hey, I heard you; your words impacted me," was still centering myself and my feelings, that they weren't inviting any further communication from me, and that I should not message them any longer, especially as a way to work out my "white guilt." I just said, "Absolutely. No problem," and left it at that. 
I took a step back at that point, and tried to understand, the best I could, if there was anything I could have done or said better, reflect on what I could learn from this experience, etc. I tried to just post congratulatory messages from thereon out, and, again, on Friday, a few days back, pretty spontaneously, I decided to share my joy in a decision I'd made about the next chapter in my life (moving to South Bend), and I explained a little about what had inspired me to make this decision. I was just (and still am!) really excited and enthusiastic about this decision, and I wanted to share my joy with the group because the past few months in Draft (and here on GradCafe) had inspired some of my thought processes that had led to my decision to move to South Bend. What I learned via feedback, is, in hindsight, a pretty self-evidential lesson, that the information I provided in my "life update" post, in no way could encapsulate how much this decision in my life was the result of undercurrents in my life that had been occurring for sixteen years, and that it wasn't just a rash decision (which I can understand why people concluded that, based off the limited text they had in front of them) in reaction to getting rejected from Notre Dame. In essence, I wanted to share my joy, and just encourage people to keep persisting after this year, and just emphasize that rejection didn't have to be the end of things, and, hey, look, here's a practical example in my own life that I think shows this, and that I'm pretty stoked (and of course terrified, in a good way) to take action on in the next few months.
The final facet of choosing to leave, ultimately, for me, came from reactions to a comment I made on a member's decision to accept a school's offer yesterday. I essentially said how proud I was of them (phrasing I've used on pretty much every congratulations statement I've made thus far), and used the phrase, "Kid, you're going places!!" and this member commented that they felt infantilized via that statement. I apologized, stated that it's a moniker I use regularly with people in my life, essentially as a term of endearment/figure of speech (much like, "You go, girl!" or "Rock on, homie!" or something to that effect). A moderator also stated that that choice of language was infantilizing and that I needed to cut it out. I once again apologized, said that was truly the last thing I intended, and tried to reiterate what a tremendous accomplishment this member's acceptance was, and that it had been a joy seeing this member's journey of successful acceptances, and I just tried to keep my responses more professionally-toned after that, and respect this member's wishes.
I actually wrestled with leaving Draft, because I asked myself if I was reacting this way due to white fragility, was I letting members of the group down by bowing out--essentially, was I making a cowardly decision?--and was my leaving implicitly affirming a narrative that people of color can't express their opinions strongly, and that some "white lady's tears" took precedence yet again in online discussions, and that it was essentially a situation of, "Oh geez, another white lady can't take the heat and do the internal work necessary to confront racism inside herself," which, again, is the last thing I wanted to propitiate, either online or off. 
At the end of the day, though, I looked at myself, and I know that I am committed to doing the ugly work, however much time it takes. I don't need to blast that or advertise that, and I'd like to believe that my actions (and my words) will speak to that without the need to go round and round online, or to blast it from the skies that, "I'M AN ALLY, LOOK AT ME!!" As another layer, I also have spent the better part of the last ten years holding myself back from things that truly made me happy (read: writing, reading, writing my novel), because I was angry at myself for a decision I made years back, and I used self-anger as a mechanism of self-protection to keep my heart from getting hurt again by myself. Especially this past year, I have worked really, really hard, to see myself as worthy of love, kindness, respect, and dignity, and to treat myself as such, and to take concrete risks on myself again, to give myself a chance to succeed (and fail), and to just let myself be freaking happy and live. After the recent chain of events in Draft, I noticed myself second-guessing almost everything I said, and being hesitant to continue my work and contributions to and towards other groups, journals, and movements (both online and offline) that I've become involved in over this past year (before ever joining Draft) that have involved a lot of anti-racism advocacy, discussions, and really fruitful friendships and moments of learning for me, and being in Draft was quickly turning into it being more of a yucky mental path I was going down, especially one of over-analysis, which, frankly, with all the upcoming commitments and events happening in my life, I just don't have time for right now, nor do I want to make time for, in terms of engaging in that type of harmful internal interplay.

In Draft, it seemed like what I was saying was hurting people more than helping them, and I realized that there was also the context that, as much as Draft has been a fun place and a place of laughter and learning, the reality is that Draft members don't know the entire context of my life and heart the way that family and friends in my life do, and because my writing is just an extension of my heart, ultimately, I guess I made that same presumption of intimacy and contextualization of who I am as a person in the way I wrote on Draft, when that clearly was not the case (nor, could it be--these people have only "known" me, persay, for a few months). I decided to remove myself from the group, for my own mental wellbeing, as a conscious act of love to myself to use my time and mental energy productively, fruitfully, and lovingly, and to avoid making any more contributions that were seeming to just create more problems than anything, especially for the members of color of the group, who already have enough on their plates to deal with. 
Per usual, this post was a lot longer than intended (of course, ha), but I didn't want to continue to participate in an environment where my contributions were not seeming to bring any more life or joy to the very communities I have committed my career and heart to amplifying and encouraging, and where I saw some yucky, unkind negative mental health things starting to wrest my attention from things that matter to me in my own self, too; so, I quit. I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything; I just decided to exit for the greater good, both my own and the group's, and I'm happy with my decision. It certainly frees up more time on my end, ha!

Also--I stopped posting here as much, because I wasn't getting anything else done in my life, and I was neglecting my responsibilities, lol! I've kept up with this thread somewhat, and am very glad to see everyone's successes here as well.

Overall, I'd like to wish congratulations to everyone, I wish everyone the best of luck on their programs, decisions, writing, and future applications, please know I'm doing well, and God bless you all! If someone who is still on Draft wants to let people on there know I'm all right, and copy and paste any part of this post on there so people there are in the loop, and/or aren't worrying unnecessarily, please feel free to do so. 
I hope everyone remains well, and I hope y'all are getting excited for spring.

I JUST GOT INTO COLUMBIA! OH MY GOD!!!! I was rejected from six schools and got into my seventh! ? 

Do not disrespect Jess. They work tirelessly, and for free, to moderate a 1.8k person Facebook group. They help the literary community. You, on the other hand, are an anonymous, racist troll. Go on and tell the class about what sort of "black things" you think one can't say in Draft. There's a reason you're hiding behind the term "PC"  in describing Draft. There's a reason a whole separate POC Draft page exists. It's not "censorship" to curtail racist speech. 

I GOT INTO EASTERN WASHINGTON. Literally speechless. No word on funding yet but hopefully soon. Came after 11 straight rejections. There is hope, people!!
1a/0w/11r/4p

I see, I got waitlisted there as well and am just now going through the thread to check out what the status on them is. It is my dream school, so I was pretty stoked to even be waitlisted, but now the chances of being admitted are even slimmer. If it doesn't work out, I'll try again.

Hey everybody. I accepted an offer from University of Florida yesterday. I fucking did it, and I'm gonna fuckin' do it, and I still can't believe it's real. I was fully expecting rejections across the board as this was my first year applying and applicant numbers are up seemingly everywhere. 
Anyway, best of luck to everyone still waiting on results, waitlists, etc! If you don't get in this round and plan to try again, I will say that I have been blown away by the warm welcome, positivity, and transparency about difficulties from the MFA community at UF-- grads and faculty alike. If you're looking for an aggressively friendly environment, it sure seems like you can find it in Gainesville.
Much love, my fellow neurotic internet pals.

I'll be sad about Brown with you. ?
I do want to emphasize your point about a program not being the place for you. Obviously, I'd love to have been accepted into Brown (and part of what stings about a rejection is that in writing your SOP and looking up all these places, you sort of fantasize about attending the school and living in whatever city), but I can also honestly say that having read the work of their poetry faculty, the poetry I've written and the themes I've been interested in and their more theoretical, academic poetry don't particularly overlap. It's hard not to take the rejection hard, especially when it comes with that Ivy name, but I also know that there are candidates who would gel better with their style than I would.
I'm still waiting on one other program, but of the six(ish) programs I've heard back from, the one I got into has a gay faculty member whose work was foundational to me when I first encountered it. I spent my last three years of workshops trying to carve out my own sort of queer poetry in classes that had no insight into the culture or its literature, and it always felt like I was sort of working in the dark, with little sense of how my work would actually land for the virtual audience I was writing for. And while I didn't get into any of the big name programs I applied to, it's incredibly validating to have the one acceptance I have received be from a poet who's working in the space I want to be in. That faculty member is a great fit for the kind of writing I want to develop, and I have a much better chance of being a good fit for that program. 
I know the idea of not fitting with a program often sounds like a euphemistic way to try and kindly reject someone, but I do also believe it's true, and I hope that we all remember that just because our work might not be right for a specific program and might not speak to the admissions committees of various schools, that can be as much a reflection of their whims and fancies and obsessions and biases as it is a reflection of your work.

Thanks for this. Agreed. This is my first time round and when I started researching this MFA process I read a lot of stuff about it, as did probably most people here. I recall some one saying "people get rejected who have published in top-tier lit mags or have book contracts with prestigious publishers." Of course, Adcoms may decide such accomplished writers may not get much out of an MFA, but it's impossible to know what they are looking for. I sense from this community a ton of intelligence, articulateness, passion for the transformative value of language, and I am sure any number of us could thrive in most programs. I know from personal experience, having been writing on and off for 8 yrs with some published success and a lot of rejection, it's hard to tell with whom your work will resonate. At the end of day, the rejections have been good for me because I've developed a rhino skin, which has helped me in this application process. But whatever happens (I am still waiting on most of my decisions), I know I have to keep writing. It's what I think about all the time, even when I'm not writing (which is not good sometimes for my job life). Writing is how I try to make "sense" of our precious existence; it's my therapy and, when the work comes together, I feel a rush like nothing else and I suspect most of us here feel the same. 

Awwww Manny!! Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. ❤️ First off, what a tremendous accomplishment for you to have your command of English that you do. That's such a gift to be able to communicate in two languages so fluently; I'm sure that informs your writing and helps you communicate in ways only you know how. That's an amazing asset, and congratulations on all your success in that realm.
Something that really struck me about your post was that you seem to be coming from a place of assuming that your work has no value in and of itself. I'd like to challenge that.  For one, you as a human are inherently worthy, loved, and deserving of respect and kindness. There is only one you, and therefore, what you write is only something you can create. If you discredit yourself before you even begin, you're depriving the world of the gift of yourself and your voice. I know it can be scary to put yourself out there, but I want to encourage you to not be afraid to express yourself. You can do it; I, for one, believe in you!
In terms of finding the right program, I think it makes sense to look at things from the lens of, "Who am I as a writer?" and then look for programs that encourage experimentation, and perhaps cross-genre work. I'm perhaps a bit biased because I'm really only considering one grad school (Notre Dame--I got rejected this year, but I plan on applying again next year), but from all of my Internet stalking/learning about the program, I think the poetry track might be something you'd really thrive in. They have a huge emphasis on international solidarity, translation, and some of the faculty (I'm thinking specifically Johannes Gorannson) teach from a place of experimentation, at least as far as I've been able to glean.
Unfortunately, the format of your poem wasn't granting permission to view your work. Congratulations on getting your work read in the first place; there is definitely a thrill in knowing others are hearing your heart encapsulated in your work publicly.  My best advice is to write from your depths; be yourself; have fun; and learn as you go. You've got it.
Nice to meet you, friend!
~Mary

Hello everyone,
I haven't been lurking very long, but I figured it was time to come out and ask some questions and become a member of the forum as I fear the application process has only begun for me.
I've been a tutor and/or a teacher in some capacity or combination since my sophomore year of college (at Otterbein in Ohio), and due to an unpleasant time at a private school here in Miami, the fire under my ass finally lit itself and I realized it was time to stop diddling and get back to work.
I don't want to say I'm a poet, because that implies my work is fruitful all the time and that I've been read or published (although, watch this space), but well, I'm a poet-in-training by my own hands.  I was lucky to have one of the most wonderful and refreshing English faculties during my undergraduate (seriously, an entire Winter quarter devoted to Woolf; I'm still pinching myself I was that fortunate), so I honed my skills and had a years-long workshop to really experiment and stretch my writing muscles.  I don't write every day, which seems to be an accepted no-no, but when I do, I'm supremely happy with the result.  It's hard for me to write for the sake of writing, since I have to edit and proofread as I write and not after I've finished that session for the day.  The writing has to come from somewhere I can't place; in a way, it has to be intentional, but not with intent, if that makes any sense.
I take pride in my English because I worked so hard to learn it (Spanish is my first language), and I'm happy with my style, which I've been developing since at least the latter half of eighth grade.  It makes me happy to know that my friends and even my teachers and professors 'know' me through my writing.  That distinctiveness is something I never tried to capture intentionally, so it's nice to see it be captured anyway.
Why am I rambling on and on?  Well, I didn't (don't?) truly believe I'd/I'll be getting into grad programs this year, especially since I only applied to four: Syracuse, Brown, Iowa, and Boston University.  I consciously picked from the cherry-top of the cherry-top, and figured I'd work my way down until, well, I managed to find a nook that would have me down the long, long tree of admissions (sorry, I like nature imagery, bear with me).  Syracuse right out of the gate said no, and I haven't heard from Iowa and Brown, so I assume they will be sending those "Thanks, but no thanks" or "We just don't know where you fit in our program with our diverse faculty and..." messages soon enough (actually, not soon enough, who am I kidding).  Boston U, I suppose, is the outlier here, and part of me chose it subconsciously knowing I stood a 'better' chance at getting in there...  Somehow.  Of course, I also chose one that decides to make decisions in April (and near my birthday, too, the grief, haha).
I realize, of course, this is all folly, which we all willingly participate in.  We 'improve' our writing, and 'work' on our portfolios, and 'try' again, but the final choice seems so arbitrary, and subjective, that I'm not so sure what the preparation is for or how it works (How does one satisfy faceless people in charge of deciding your grad fate?).  I completed my applications, but the entire time I felt so completely unprepared or that it was incomplete somehow, like I was an impostor, but surely this is how a lot of people applying to grad schools, and, indeed, how many grad schools indirectly (and even directly) make applicants feel.
I've never known how to convince people to hire me or take me in.  Somehow, I've had the chance to teach across a pretty diverse set of classrooms (students on the spectrum, students on the outskirts of the Ecuadorian jungle, students learning English for the first time, Gifted eighth graders, etc.) despite that, but, thinking on my Statement of Purpose, and what a ridiculous struggle it is to even conceptualize a page or a page and a half that can summarize one's worth...
Nothing I do or did matters.  I'm not even sure my writing matters, since someone's gold-spun wheel is another's bloody instrument of torture.
Tl;dr: Anyone know of any grad programs, fully or mostly funded, that seek out or appeal to 'poets' who seek to continue experimenting and changing the form?  And if not change the form, then a program that fosters the individual growth of a writer's voice so it becomes even more idiosyncratic?
In happier news, a good friend of mine asked if he could read some of my work for his sister's wedding as she had asked him to perform a reading.  I said, sure, and much to my surprise, he actually chose the one I thought might fit.  Having someone read my work to a group of strangers is so oddly thrilling to me, maybe even more so than a grad school acceptance...  somehow (I could just be deluding myself).
I've attached that poem so those who've read this far and can offer any advice about choosing a program 'right' for me can take a look at the writing itself and make an informed opinion...  or not.
It's been twisted fun reading through this thread, but a writer is always at least a little bit of a masochist, so that makes sense.  Take care, everyone, and breathe easy, and don't forget to dip your madeleines at tea time!
 
Manny
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ufL9juatKSpWlXvgyi8i7IXagBEbFCG5B3PqWTwtjY0/edit?usp=sharing
 

Just got an e-mail from David Crouse saying I'm waitlisted at U-Wash Seattle! I'm so thrown. I honestly wrote it off as a straight rejection.

"The admissions committee was very favorably impressed by your accomplishment and potential as a writer. Unfortunately, the small size of our program—just four incoming in each genre—means that a number of highly qualified candidates, such as yourself, won’t receive an initial offer. Less than three percent of applicants will be admitted this year, and only a slightly larger group recommended for the waiting list."

The website says the program typically admits 10-12 students! Wonder why the class is so small this time round.

anyone have any update on UVA? assuming that iowa and brown are rejections, i'm about damn ready to end this app season one way or another and this would be my last school. 
big sad about iowa, also since i'm a part of one of their other writing programs and have interacted with IWW students and lowkey love the vibes of iowa as well as the people. but we are moving on. just emailed deb west to email me a copy of my decision whenever available because i'm an intl student and simply do not have the patience to wait months. unless UVA comes through, i will be ending this season on the waitlist. now that i think about it, how i was hoping to get into iww at 20 is beyond me. or, as my co-star says for March, "there's a difference between aspirational and impossible" and that this is the month i must learn that.
but it's all good. i'm gonna teach for a couple years, meet some people, write more, get my shit together and do some growing up. this was only my first time applying, and i will not be giving up. going to get into one of these programs if that's the last thing i do. ❤️ 
ALSO! massive congratulations to accepted folks on here, all the best of luck to those waitlisted, and my heart is with all those who were rejected. love to everyone on here. could not have done it without this forum.