Thank you so much for bringing on this topic. I really thought I was alone in this. Although my problem is a bit different than Just me's.
It's more like what Mal83 said:
THIS is my problem.
Since 4th year of undergrad (that's about 5 years ago), I had a special feeling towards one of my professors. He was a young assistant prof. and I was one of the students in his very first classes to teach. I don't know how or why I got attracted to him, he is gentle, good looking (and looks way younger than he actually is), and knows his subject well.
I was attracted to him in a way that did not motivate me to study harder (but I did well in his class at the end as I was always a good student), but rather a in distracting way. I would spend classes just staring at him trying to figure out what was so special about him that is distracting me; I've met guys who were more handsome, closer to my age, and also gentle and nice. So WHY HIM???
As time passed, I got to know more about him. I learned he is married, has kids, and is at least 15 years older than I am. That tortured me even more. How could I ever dare have such feelings towards a married man, let aside one of my professors?
I didn't know what to do. But I decided I should must delete him completely from my mind. I started missing his classes, and avoiding him like the plague. I would never go to him during his office hours or ask him anything. I was full of shame and embarrassment of my self that I was even afraid it would show on my face.
My conscious mind was fully aware that this person can never be mine, but still a part of me it attracted to him. It seems like what Just me stated it:
Exactly. I will never pursue anything, and this problem has bugged me for a long time. It actually continues till this day, because I've done my masters in the same institution, and now I'm a research assistant also in the same institution. I still run into him every now and then, and there are a lot of situations when I potentially have to meet him, which I all try to avoid, but this is costing me a lot. For example, I've missed lots of conferences, meetings, seminars, and departmental lunches, just because I knew he would be there.
I don't know if I'm over reacting, but I really don't know what to do. I'm really embarrassed and I do not like the idea of being attracted to him, but some part of me doesn't seem to let go. I sincerely wish him all happiness, and would never want to ruin his family life or anything. I just want to get over it safely, for me and for him.
It just maybe seems harder because we've been basically in the same place for a long time. I'm now applying for a PhD in a different country altogether (thankfully). But before I get accepted, there is still one more whole year ahead of me in this place.
Sorry for nagging, but I wanted some place to let out my feelings without being judged. I hope you won't.