Just me

Sadly, I know a lot of college grads are in the same boat as I am...craploads of debt they will never ever be able to pay off paired with rising unemployment rates, so the only chance a person might have at living a semi-normal life is to abandon all debt and leave the country. I'm sure this is a decision that will not be taken lightly by the person making it. Maybe schools should reconsider their tuition costs, or how much students are allowed to borrow. Sometimes you dig yourself into an inescapable hole of debt and the only way out is to run rather than pay. Sorry to the folks who have to pick up the slack, but when it's a matter of "I can't pay my debts AND my bills AND my rent," you have to let something suffer. I've also heard that sometimes, lender will be willing to settle...like if you owe $80K and you can come up with a lump sum of $30K, they'll forgive the rest. I have also heard that if loans are not repaid in full by the time 30 years have passed, the remainder gets forgiven. If this is true, I may be debt-free by the time I am in my mid-fifties. I'm only being a realist. Let's face it - a lot of people get useless degrees or educations from lousy schools because they were dumb teenagers who went to the first school that accepted them. Yes, we made mistakes. No, some mistakes cannot be fixed. So does that mean those of us who made such mistakes are obligated to live forever in poverty, with ruined credit and unable to rent an apartment, get a credit card, buy a vehicle, or do anything that requires stellar credit? Perhaps those diplomas with the five-figure price tags can be used to line one's clothing when they are homeless, living in a box and eating breadsticks out of an Olive Garden dumpster. Okay, here's some better advice: Use income-based repayment options if you're broke. I think they take 15 percent of your yearly salary, so if you don't make much or are unemployed, you won't have to pay anything. If the income-based monthly payment is higher than the standard one, then go with the standard one. Or better yet, go to college overseas where foreign students can attend for free. The way I personally see it is if you cannot get debt forgiven and you cannot afford to repay what you owe on top of other living expenses, then trick the system as a last resort if it means being able to have a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Sometimes you have to take drastic measures to fix your mistakes.

Right now, I have over $75K from just my bachelor's degree (from a substandard diploma mill). If I get loans for my master's degree, I will be around the $120K range. In other words, I will never ever be able to pay it off. And Sallie Mae doesn't even care if you're employed or not - I told them I made $1200 in one year and they STILL wanted almost $600 a month. Now how was I supposed to do that? Jerk-offs want as much money as fast as possible and they do not care even a little bit how broke you are. And you can bet your last nickel I'm trying to find ways to get out of paying for it because that undergrad degree was not worth it whatsoever. I'm waiting to see if the alleged class-action lawsuit against my last college ever happens because I will absolutely be part of it. Otherwise, I may have to move out of the country when I can't afford the collective monthly debts from two colleges. Or injure myself in such a way that I am too disabled to do the work I was taught to do. A word of advice: If you need a loan co-signer, have it be someone who will die soon after you leave college. I'm totally serious - private loans often require a co-signer and if that co-signer dies in repayment, those loans will get forgiven. So if great aunt Gertrude has terminal cancer when you go to school, be really nice to her and get her to sign. Sadly, there is now a statement in any student loan contract saying that loans cannot be forgiven if you get a piss-poor education.

Personally, I have a Dell Inspiron 9300 laptop and it's worked fabulous for the six or so years I've had it. It's slowed down a little due to all the junk I've accumulated on it, but for a Windows AND a Dell, I'd say it was a good investment. And it worked well enough to run something as graphics-heavy as 3DS Max. But I realize this model may be obsolete at this point, so whatever is the most recent version of it would be my personal recommendation.

Ehh, those options are ridiculous only because most people who take out student loans don't have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of. Then they get degrees in jobs that pay minimum wage plus a one-dollar bonus, hence the need for 25 or 30 or more years to pay off a $20K loan. That, or they just want to try and milk you for as much interest as they can get.

I always wanted to do art for a living...until I found out not only how hard it is to break into the world of professional art, but also how bloody cheap people are and how unwilling they are to pay you for how much your work is actually worth. That, and being made to go to what will be eight years of art school has made my passion for what I used to love doing dwindle considerably. I still draw and make art for fun, but I don't think I want to do try doing it for serious money. Mostly because I'm not good enough to make serious money (or even livable money) doing it. No one wants a mediocre artist with a diploma mill degree working for them. There were other things I considered doing, but realized they were just as frivolous as art...namely psychology and parapsychology (ghost hunting). More practically, I considered funeral science...embalming. But when I found out I'd have to work around formaldehyde, I decided not to. The odor of that crap made me want to vomit in biology class and working with copious amounts of it on a regular basis would have done me in my first day on the job. Basically, what I've learned is that sometimes passions should remain passions and not become careers too. If ever I could go to college totally for free like via full scholarship or an employer footing the bill, I would go learn to do something more practical because creative work will get you nothing. The term "starving artist" is more true than you may think.

The situation with employers might just be me, then. On the other hand, my employer also used some very shady business practices and treated me like crap anyway, so take what I said about work and school with a grain of salt, I guess. I just love how my program is called a "program for working people," but with all the crap they load you with for homework, I don't know how they expect someone to have a job/career AND do all this nonsense. I don't even have a job and I can barely make the deadlines. And unfortunately, I cannot address UnlikelyGrad's comments without sounding too snarky, and I don't want to derail the topic. psycholinguist, I've been so bloody busy with not only school work (hello six projects due for July), but also two clients who want work done and a family friend who needed their site updated. Gah, I'm surprised I even have time to use the bathroom! But sadly, no progress being made...mostly because there's even more drama in the house as of late (not my doing) and it's making things even more difficult.

Some of you may be familiar with my story of forced schooling. Since it seems I'm stuck in this from start to finish, I guess I would like to ask what I can expect and hope for when I graduate with a master's degree in illustration. Biggest thing is I have no intention or desire to teach at any grade level. Should I leave my degree off future job applications, lest I appear possibly overqualified? What can I do with this? My undergraduate art degree seemed worthless enough, but I'll have another one in a couple years. It might be impressive to brag about, but I seriously do not see it helping me find a job at all.

I'm probably going to be the buzzkill here, but I honestly hate being in grad school. This is mostly due to the fact that I am not only here against my will,but also because I cannot afford to be here. Besides that, a master's degree will probably be more detrimental to my job search than helpful. I am getting a master's in illustration and I have zero intention or desire to teach at any level - my mother is the one forcing me to attend because she feels a master's in art will help me land better freelancing jobs. And this is quite the opposite because people seem to think "freelancing" is another word for "slave labor" - I've been told by potential clients that eight bucks an hour is too much money for professional artwork. So when people see I have a master's degree, they're going to realize I will want too much money and thus will not hire me. I also think employers will see the MFA and think I am overqualified for the job - why do I need a minimum wage job at Wal-Mart when I have a master's degree? They'll give the job to the high school dropout who has no future and who is too dumb to realize how bad they'll get screwed over. Basically, I think my program is a waste of time, effort, and money. It will not help me in the least and will only bum me closer and closer to six figures worth of debt. All I can say is I hope my mother is happy when I can't afford $1500 a month in student debt and the government takes her house (since she's my co-signer). So yeah, my perceptions of graduate studies are pretty negatively colored. If you can go to grad school for free or mostly for free, then I may recommend going. But if you're broke and can't even get a student loan, don't go. And honestly, just try getting or keeping a job while in grad school. No one will want to hire you or keep you on the payroll when you have to take weeks off to do a dissertation. One of many reasons I was fired from my last job was because I needed three weeks off to go to class and complete a big assignment. And I would need to do this four times a year until 2013. Yeah, employers want you at work making them money the entire year, not daring to take time off to prepare yourself for a better job.

I'm in that same boat - (now) $75K+ in debt, in grad school, and apparently my grades aren't good enough and I'm not financially needy enough to get more than, say, $2000 a year in scholarships. And of course, grad students are far too special for grants because we're obviously rolling in the dough to the point where we don't need gift money. I hear left and right about the billions of dollars in "free" money for college floating around out there, but I haven't seen a cent of it. I've applied for more scholarships than I can even remember and I've only ever gotten one from the school I'm in now. I can't even get a loan, for some reason - even though I'm listed as an independent student, I still can't get a single loan. Basically, no one gives as much of a crap about graduate students as they do about undergraduate. They think that if you're getting your master's or PhD, you must have an awesome job with a six-figure income, so you don't need money as much as a broke high school graduate.

What my mother should want and what she does want are two radically different things. It's okay if what I want is also what she wants, but if it's not, she doesn't care because what she wants me to do is all that seems to matter. My happiness is second to the plan she's got worked out for my life. Seeing me in the single most horrific panic attack I've ever had - one that made me unable to even stand up and walk for about an hour afterward - did nothing to change her mind. Just made her sob and tell me she only wants what's best for me and how I don't appreciate everything she does for me, etc. I won't even lie - I was hoping I would have just stroked out and died right there in the car. Considering how badly I was hyperventilating, I thought for a bit I would actually have died...and that was okay with me. She can somehow make everything about her...I'm ungrateful and stupid for not realizing that she makes so many sacrifices for me and why can't I just do this favor for her that costs $50,000 and four years of my life? Also, thanks for the info, Strangefox. I sent them a message, so I'll see what they have to offer. And yes, I am not "allowed" to drive myself anywhere. The only experience I have had driving alone was between dropping my mother off to her job and going to mine, and taking my road test. Since my mother is afraid to drive long distances and is too afraid to drive out of town, she expects me to be and will not let me take her car alone anywhere. Because heaven forbid, I might actually got he speed limit. And to her, anything over 40 is too fast and the last time I drove on the highway with her, I was forced to go 40. People behind me were not pleased. When I was in school in Pittsburgh, she forced her partner to drive six hours one way to get me. Then I got verbally abused the entire way home. Thankfully, I found someone to carpool with who was fun to talk to (whom I still travel with for the rare opportunity I am "allowed" to visit a college friend), but then I heard about how my mother felt compelled to give the lady in excess of $200 for the round trip when it was school time and this was somehow my fault. I'm not even allowed on a bus or a plane or a train, though once I did take a bus alone to St. Louis to see someone...never told my mother about that because she'd keep an even tighter grip on me. I personally am not afraid to drive at night, drive on the highway, go 65 miles an hour, etc. But I don't know how I'll ever learn when I'm not even allowed to try. I need to work on finding the will to leave, I know. And it's true - I have had all the will, the effort, the confidence sucked right out of me. There is little left of me except destroyed self-esteem, no self-worth, a totally shattered soul and a lot of tears. When I see myself as this, you can imagine how difficult it is to do even the simplest of things as far as gaining independence. I try my hardest to fix myself, but I don't know what kind of progress I'm going to make. It's not that I don't want to be independent and have freedom...it's just getting there is a battle I'm not sure I have the inner strength to fight. You can only break something so many times before it's too far gone to put back together, and then you're just left with the pieces.

I took a job back in January to help pay for grad school since I couldn't get a single loan and have to pay out of pocket. I got fired yesterday and there is no doubt in my mind this was due in part to my saying I needed to be off for almost a month for class and subsequent homework (huge project, short deadline). And that I'd have to do this three times a year until 2013. This is one of many reasons I hate being in grad school - no employer wants to keep someone around who's going to run off for weeks at a time several times a year. But I hated that job anyway...scammy call center with a very controlling boss. Not good for my health, especially after showing signs of ulcers. Honestly, I would say to not expect anything too long-term as a grad student work-wise. Most employers of crappy jobs want people who are desperate for any work at all who aren't going to take time away from making them money to better themselves and eventually leave.

Hmm, I'm not sure if I was claimed as one on my mother's taxes. And yeah, that $70K I owe is with the aid I got. Without it, I would have over $105K in debts. And of course the deadlines for all the graduate scholarships have passed. But I was told by the financial aid director at my school to make an appointment with an aid counselor when on campus to see what kind of grad loans I can get. Here's hoping for a scholarship. I direly need a few. Or one big one.

Unfortunately the school is two hours from where I live and since I am not "allowed" to either drive by myself or take a bus down there, I pretty much haven't got a way to go. And no one to take me either. Soooo I think my best bet is remote help for the time being.

Thankfully, I do not share an account with my mother. I simply made the error of mentioning saving up for a car of my own and she told me that since she could not pay for my college all herself, I was expected to give up all my money for tuition. Also, I live way, way out in the country...no buses, walking would just take too long (about 20ish miles to town), and I just do not have the money for a taxi to come out here every day to take me to work. None of my friends who are within reasonable driving distance own their own vehicles either, so they could not come and get me. Basically, it's a matter of going with my mother. I bought myself a bicycle once too, but it mysteriously disappeared...I think because my mother is convinced people would intentionally run me over on the road, so she just kind of threw it away and said someone stole it. And yes, I admit I do live in a toxic home. It's not only my mother - her boyfriend is another always-right type who verbally abuses me, but his crap I can usually laugh off because he's a moron. But my mother also makes me kowtow to him and do favors for him because she needs him to do "men's work" around the house. Like if he wants me to do something, I have to drop everything and do it that very second or he tattles on me, and then my mother lectures me. I might have to look into the low-income housing locally since that may be the only place I (or some friends and I) could actually live. I certainly could not afford a normal living space on my salary. Hell, last time I was in class, I was in NYC. I contemplated not going home and just living out of my suitcase on the street for a while. I know I sound like a 'professional victim,' but I try my best not to. I guess it's just because I have tried so many things and had them fail miserably. And I admit often times I just give up - I have basically learned to not fight because a struggle will just make my defeat even more painful, so my automatic response seems to be to just not argue and do what I'm told. Which might make me a good employee, but maybe not a good person. I know I'm weak, fearful and dependent, and I know I need a kick in the behind. And I know the folks here may not be shrinks and can't give me counseling, but I promise I am grateful for all advice, commiseration and encouraging words. It does help a lot to not be told what a childish idiot I am. I wonder if I'm messed up enough to write a book about my life... I've told people in class about this because they noticed I was sorely depressed when I was there and they all kind of told me to just buck up and enjoy the program. I never said I hated the program...I hate the cost.

This is my current dilemma. I filled out a FAFSA last year...apparently having made $1300 the entire year and living in a house with two other people on a single measly income did not make me financially needy enough. And probably the fact that I owe in excess of $70K to my last college. So basically I am doing two things: Crossing my fingers and hoping for grants and scholarships through my school and Fastweb, and paying out of pocket. Not easy when the household's combined income is less than about $12,000 and a typical semester costs in excess of $5K. I'm not sure what to do...it's by sheer luck that I have the money to pay for this crap. Has anyone here ever been in a position where they couldn't get any loans?

I was trying to take baby steps in saving up each paycheck for a vehicle of my own. But as mentioned, that got ripped from me for tuition. I guess it just angers me because I have so many freedoms unnecessarily taken from me on a regular basis and I go crazy when it happens each time. Like when my boss told me I couldn't draw at work after I'd been doing so for over a month (boring job - does NOT require full attention) and told me that being an artist is exactly like cold-calling, I wanted to hit her. And I don't mean that lightly - I actually wanted to reach over her desk and beat her face bloody. When loved ones control me, I cry...when people I don't like control me, I get very angry. Either way, I become unstable and it's not fun. And sadly, my mother has already told me I need to get my degrees now now now. She forced me into college right after high school. She had me applying to grad schools before I even got out of undergrad. Odds are she will have me hunting for a PhD in art (I don't think such a thing exists) before I'm done with grad school. Basically, there is no compromise with her...if you don't do it her way, she screams and verbally abuses me until I agree to everything she says. And I know my breaking down and doing as she says has roots in my childhood. Waxing psychologist now, I used to just do what she said when I was a kid because she would always threaten to hurt or kill my grandmother (her mother, with whom we lived) if my grandmother ever shot her mouth off when Mom screamed at me. So I just did whatever she said so no one got hurt. I would even lie if I had to. It was just a connection my young mind worked out and now as an adult, while my grandmother has long since passed away, I still have some thing in my head that says, "Do what she says or something bad will happen." And my mother is also at an age now where she could have a stroke or a heart attack. She is really really good about working herself up and stressing herself out really really badly. I worry I would make her sick or worse if I don't do things her way, and I don't know if I could live with such guilt. I know this sounds silly and I think I'm going into "life story" mode. I guess I should at least be happy that I was "allowed" to go to college for something I wanted to do rather than something of her choosing. It's not even the schooling that bothers me...it's the loss of freedom of choice as well as financial crises. It's this nonsense of, "I know you better than you know you."

I didn't qualify for a penny after filling out my FAFSA - apparently making $1300 in a whole year doesn't make me financially needy enough, not to mention basically it's an entire household on my mother's pitiful income of about $600 a month. But right now, I'm enrolled in the MFA illustration program at Marywood. It's not too bad - definitely more challenging than undergrad, and I wanted to vomit my first semester doing life drawing for eight hours a day for the whole first week with a highly critical instructor. Nice man, but tough artist. I think the school is way, WAY too expensive, though...freaking $4700 for a four-day-long semester and that doesn't include travel, food, lodging, art supplies, museum admission (since we have to travel to big cities and visit at least two museums). For some reason, this master's takes twice as long as a normal one (from what I have been told). Four years, 60 credits, $50,000+, $500ish for a two-week meal plan during the on-campus semesters. I like the people there, but I hate the cost. I don't even know how I got in since I don't think my portfolio is grad school material. I probably just barely made it in.

Nutella and marshmallow fluff on wheat bread. Or two fried eggs and some cream cheese on wheat bread. Do burgers count as a sandwich too? I loves me a burger soaked in tabasco sauce.

My mother is rather interesting...when I do something "right" (what she wants me to do), boy she can't wait to tell the whole world that HER daughter did this or that and HER daughter is so smart and talented and did she mention that she's my MOTHER? But I do something I want to do that doesn't line up with what she feels is right, I get told how dumb I am, how I have no common sense and instructed on how to do things "right." She hates her job so much (working with EKGs at the hospital) that she forced me to go to college so I would have a better life than her. Hell, she tried to discourage me from doing art until I got to high school when my art teacher told her to knock it off. Now she thinks me doing art is some kind of cash cow that will land me loads of money. Of course, I got back at her by picking an undergrad college six hours away. But that backfired when I found out that my first college was a diploma mill and some employers specifically will not hire grads from my last school because we are taught so badly. I likely will need professional help because Mom's been training me to be obedient all my life. Screaming, passive-aggression, guilt trips, crying...basically making it sound like I'm causing her some kind of suffering by daring to stray from the path she has chosen for me. And she will not go to counseling because she feels she is doing what is best for me and therefore her behavior is justified and correct. But honestly, I want to thank everyone for being supportive and offering constructive advice. Some folks I mentioned this to before have told me things like, "Just be grateful she's making you go!" and "Just get up and move out!" like it's the easiest thing in the world. It isn't. I know she has messed me up in the head very, very badly, and I do hope at some point I am able to get help. Not only to learn to break this cycle of mental abuse, but also so I don't turn out like her when I get older. My friends keep me sane, but I know I need a professional to listen and tell me how to reverse the damage that has been done as well as how to prevent further mental breakdown at her hands. I love my mom and I know she does a lot for me...but I wish she would just let me make my own choices. By the time I'm old enough to live my own life, I may be too infirm or too old or too in debt. At this rate, I can maybe look forward to lining my clothing with my diplomas while I live behind a dumpster. Too bad I didn't major in psychology (which I did strongly consider)...I could give myself therapy.

Believe me, it's not that I want to rely on her. But when I get forced to surrender my savings, I can't afford to move out. And I'm not sure what I'll do after I graduate; this forced art nonsense really makes me not want to make art anymore. Not only professionally, but personally, and I fear by the time I graduate, I will have lost all desire to make art. I know I need counseling...I just don't know where to start. How's it going to sound to say to her, "Mom, take me to counseling so I can learn to get away from you?" I swear this to you, I have no friends who drive their own vehicles who live nearby who could take me. I cannot afford a cab every week from where I live to town. So I have to turn to the internet for advice. Basically since no one can relate to what I'm going through, all I have gotten are some recommendations for books to read. And for some screwed up reason, the only time I am on campus at school is the only time the counseling office is closed. Fabulous. I wonder how much pity would be had for me if I told the director of my major and the financial aid manager that I am in school against my will and what kind of financial aid can I receive. My mother believes that having a college degree in anything at all will result in a six-figure income. She thought that about my bachelor's degree. Well I didn't have a six-figure job within a year of graduation, so it was time to haul me off to another college for more learning. I couldn't even get freelance jobs for two bucks an hour with my bachelor's degree, so obviously that means I need to sink $50,000 and four MORE years in a master's of fine arts. That way, I can be a super-famous artist who makes a million dollars an hour. Sadly, as said, I've found that allowing people to live my life for me is just...easier for me. Putting up a fight just makes it a lot more painful before ending the same as if I just accepted that my life is not mine. My mother never got to go to college, so she's going to live vicariously through me. That's why whenever I do well in school, she puts it in the local paper as, "Just Me did (thing) at (school). Her mother is (Mom)...." And she feels she is right about everything. I've told her I don't want to go. I've told her I can't afford to go. I've told her some people can't pay off their loans and have to leave the country. I've told her that she's a co-signer for many of my loans and if I can't afford to pay them, she gets her house taken away. Nothing seems to bother her because obviously I'm going to be raking in the dough with my art degrees and she's going to somehow make $25,000 extra appear every year for me to pay off my loans. Yeah, when she has $13,000 in credit card debt because she can't afford her own bills. Hell, last time she drove me to meet the people I would be traveling with (total strangers), I wanted to open up the car door while in motion and have someone crush me with their vehicle. More times than I can count I have wanted to die because of her...I just lack the strength to make that happen. I know it sounds extreme, but I am just that desperate for escape. Maybe I should get on anxiety meds or something.

Ohh I know how it feels to be anxious. The day I was to head out to the dorm, I was drinking heavily at 9 am to calm down. And I never ever drink at all. The following semester, I had a panic attack so bad that I could not breathe, see, or even bend my joints. I was stiff as a board and I felt like I was going to die. Meanwhile, my mother sat beside me in the car screaming at me that school is for my own good, I don't appreciate what she does for me and "why are you doing this to meeeeee?" and "You want me to have a stroke??!" In short, not fun. I want to be medicated, but I know I'll just get told to suck it up. So I don't bother. When my classmates would go out after class, I would go back to my dorm room and cry myself to sleep. That's how I got through my days. That's the only way I know to relieve my stress because I have never had any other outlet. Even when I was younger, if I dared complain angrily about something my mother did, she would scream at me. Apparently since she has the hardest life in the world, I am not allowed to be upset for any reason at all. So it's sort of ingrained in my head that I can only relieve stress silently, and I can cry quietly. Do what you have to to stay sane. Go for a walk, cry, smoke, drink....whatever. Just know you aren't alone in feeling stressed and depressed over school.

I didn't see an introduction area, so I apologize if I'm sort of jumping the gun. Unlike many folks here, I am not happy to have been accepted into grad school. I am downright angry because I was forced to attend, much like how I was forced to get a $70,000 undergraduate degree. My idiot mother seems to think that tons of degrees = $100,000 job and I can pay off my loans in no time. Meanwhile, I have said in no uncertain terms (often while screaming bloody murder and having a seizing panic attack) that I do not wish to be in grad school. She doesn't hear it and I simply am told that I have to go for my own good. Apparently at age 23, I still get no say in how I live my life. And why do I "need" to get a master's in art? So I can be over-qualified for most jobs? I don't ever intend to teach, so why I need another degree is beyond me - I can't even get a job with the one I already have. My biggest concern with this useless degree is the cost. Due to the obscene amount I owe to my last school, I did not qualify for a single loan. Not one red cent. So this means I need to pay almost $5000 every semester - which does not include hotel accommodations, housing, food, supplies for class, or travel expenses - out of pocket. Not easy when I make less than $10K a year. I got a $2000 scholarship last year, which was nice, but it barely helped. Of course my mother doesn't have a metaphorical pot to p*ss in or a window to throw it out of, so I am expected to surrender my hard-earned money for schooling I do not want. I was saving up that money to buy my own vehicle (borrow my mother's and she does not allow me to take it anywhere without her). There went several thousand I could have used for a semi-decent car. Basically, I've found that the harder I kick, scream and fight to break away from this school, the longer the battle will be and I'll just lose anyway. So I admit it...I bend over and take it because it's easier on my sanity. I have contemplated going so far as to deliberately cause myself harm or illness in order to be too sick to attend, though I might just get forced to go. Since it's for my own good and all. I don't know how to cope. I have also been informed that if I do not make a six-figure salary with my master's degree, I will "need" to get an even higher college education. Someone please hold me and tell me there's nothing higher than an MFA in art. Please. I can't handle more forced college. My first degree that I worked so hard to get, graduating with honors, perfect attendance, NHS member, 3.5 GPA....has gotten me a job doing telemarketing for minimum wage. A master's degree will not help me in any way. How do I get through the next few years without putting my head under the front wheel of a bus?