Only just started MA program and severely depressed

[lesleyrachel2]

Hi,
I know there are a lot of threads here about people dealing with depression/anxiety/imposter syndrome during their MA programs, but I have only gone to a few classes and I am already unmotivated, depressed and having two panic attacks every day. I have a history of depression/anxiety and have taken medication for it for years, but this feels "different." I have been dreading starting the program for the last two months and have been incredibly depressed--questioning what I am doing/why I am doing this.

To provide more context: I am a very introverted person who has social anxiety and who is willing to do literally anything to avoid speaking in front of people. I knew that I would have to present my research at some point, but for the three classes I am taking, it seems like I am required to present/speak weekly. It is not so much the work that I am fearful of, but the fact that I will be engaging with a room full of people constantly, attempting to perform in a way that I feel entirely uncomfortable doing. When I am forced to speak, I stumble over my words and completely blank. My poor communication skills will, I am sure, also bring down my grades in classes that I would otherwise be doing alright in (if there was not this social component). Although I knew that this environment wouldn't feel natural for me, the way that the program is structured goes against everything that I feel and know. 

I feel horrible because I am considering leaving the program already. There is a small part of me that wants to try, but the fact that I am already feeling so incredibly depressed so soon into the program is sending up red flags for me. I have been thinking a lot about why I am actually there, and why I applied, what I want to do, etc. I think I did this because I knew that I would get in (I did very well on my undergrad), and because there would be funding. I thought it would be something enjoyable that I could do over the next two years so that I wouldn't have to work outside of the school because the funding could take care of my living costs. I like the subject and enjoy learning about it, but in reality, I have never had any desire to participate in conferences, share my research, or contribute to the academic field. I have no desire to to stay in academia or become a professor. I am also very aware of the job market in the humanities and know that there would not be any opportunities for me to use my MA for anything outside of working in academia/continuing on to do a PhD. I at first thought that this would be something that is enjoyable, and for me. It doesn't feel like this. I am not "excited" about my classes or research, or even waking up in the morning. I don't know what I will do if I leave, but I don't know if I can cope with staying.

I don't know if I am looking for advice or just a place to write this out. If anyone has been in the same situation, it would be interesting to hear from you.

[slouching]

I'm sorry to hear that this transition has been difficult for you. 

If you are not doing so already, I would encourage you to speak with a professional about the issues you are facing. It seems like you would benefit from speaking with someone who is trained to help you manage your depression and anxiety, and who can help you sort out your feelings about the situation you're in. Exploring the counseling services within your university might be a good place to start.

 

[iwearflowers]

I echo @slouching. Find a therapist. Talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds and/or getting an “emergency” medication to take during panic attacks. Visit the disability office to talk about whether/what kind of accommodation you need.

I spent a lot of time feeling miserable and missing out on things during my masters program because I was too ashamed of my mental illness to get the help I needed. Don’t be like me! Work with professionals to set yourself up for success!

If you have a friend you can trust, ask them to help you get your appointments set up and maybe even to go with you. It can feel insurmountable, and it’s okay to need help.

[spectastic]

life crises are no joke, and it sounds like you might be going through one of those right now. if you're not confident about being able to perform well in your classes, I recommend seriously considering dropping them, and asking about taking a semester off (or something to that effect) to do some soul searching. going traveling is one of the best things you can do at your age. too many people stumble from one stage of life to the next, not knowing exactly what they want out of their life and career. It's hard to take the time to figure out why you're on this earth. I wish I took more time to figure that out earlier on. it would've saved me a lot of headache, but not all life lessons come easy. you're definitely not alone.

I don't know what they would tell you at student health services, so I can't really recommend it. But it can't hurt to make an initial appointment.

[greenpoint001]

I agree with everyone on this thread. Talk to a therapist. See a doctor to manage your medications. 

 

On a practical level, if you find it bearable to see a therapist and keep attending class, therapists can also help to provide coaching for your social anxiety and how to cope with the demands of your academic classes. You may need to go more than once a week. Best of luck.