Tips for dealing with having been your advisor’s second choice?

[SugarAndPsych]

Hi everyone! I’m currently in my first year of a PhD program and - since it’s THAT time of the semester - the impostor syndrome is kicking in. I know it’s a totally normal thing to experience, but I feel like everyone always offers the same advice for managing it (“Remember that you deserve to be here!” or “You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t qualified!” etc.). That advice is great and sometimes it helps, but I was admitted from the waitlist as my advisor’s second choice and my particular brand of impostor syndrome usually ends with me getting hung up on that. I know I’m more than capable of hacking my program and its expectations and I’m confident in myself and my abilities, but I find myself getting preoccupied with that whenever I’m having a rough week or having tough conversations with my advisor. It’s hard for me to NOT wonder if they wish they’d been able to get their first choice student instead. Any advice for how to manage that/get over being accepted off the waitlist?

[Hope.for.the.best]

On 11/2/2019 at 10:45 AM, SugarAndPsych said:

Hi everyone! I’m currently in my first year of a PhD program and - since it’s THAT time of the semester - the impostor syndrome is kicking in. I know it’s a totally normal thing to experience, but I feel like everyone always offers the same advice for managing it (“Remember that you deserve to be here!” or “You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t qualified!” etc.). That advice is great and sometimes it helps, but I was admitted from the waitlist as my advisor’s second choice and my particular brand of impostor syndrome usually ends with me getting hung up on that. I know I’m more than capable of hacking my program and its expectations and I’m confident in myself and my abilities, but I find myself getting preoccupied with that whenever I’m having a rough week or having tough conversations with my advisor. It’s hard for me to NOT wonder if they wish they’d been able to get their first choice student instead. Any advice for how to manage that/get over being accepted off the waitlist?

I am not sure how advisors from your school allocate preference to students. My school tends to be first come, first served, as advisors prefer to work with students they already know a fair bit. That said, it doesn't mean their most preferred student will work well with them. It all depends on whether both are willing to get along with each other. 

I am quoting my own example. If you read my previous posts, you would know I struggled immensely with 2 toxic advisors, *Andy and *Cecilia. I was their first choice student. (Well, they actually wanted to accept another student who did well at internship, but she decided to enter medical school instead.) Anyway, we had a major conflict over whether to finish my PhD thesis first or submit that high impact paper. I obviously wanted to finish as my scholarship was running out. They wanted me to do a big and technically-impossible experiment to finish that paper instead. I managed to submit my thesis in the end, but we broke up after that. Not only did they not congratulate on me when I got my current post-doctoral position, but also not attending my graduation ceremony! I am actually glad that they did not come, but still it's a shame we ended up like that.  

Back to what you are wondering, your advisor might have thoughts of working with their "dream" student, but so what? They have accepted you and you are their first priority right now. There is no point for them to hang up on that student anymore. Rough weeks and tough conversations with advisors must happen at some points. There is no exemption even if you were their first choice. 

I would suggest that you interact with your advisor without having the assumption that they value you less because you were on the waitlist. Try to be objective as you would do with other academics. It's not a bad idea to reach out to a campus counsellor. They can offer tools for you to cope with the situation. 

Wish you all the best! 

[PsyDuck90]

Think of it this way: your advisor, from the sound of it, could only choose 1 student out of hundreds of qualified applicants. You were their number 2. You still beat out tons of people. And who knows, maybe your were neck and neck with the other person, but they had a just slightly higher GRE or just slightly better research fit. On all accounts, you two were probably equal, but your advisor had to rank order so he/she may have had to just toss a coin. I would try to reframe your thinking to consider you beat out tons of other people. 

[PokePsych]

I know one PI at my undergrad institute who decided between two candidates with a coin flip. Sometimes it's literally that (including a mental coin flip)

[Meraki]

Every advisor/program is different, but try to think of it this way: There are typically many qualified applicants in any given admissions cycle. The department/advisor does their best to whittle down the list of potential admits based on scores, experience, and research interests. Sometimes, there is a seemingly perfect match - a potential student wanting to do exactly the type of research the advisor does/wants to start doing, but I'd say this is often not the case. The "best" candidate may be only marginally "more qualified" than the second and third choice. Sometimes, as Psygeek said, there's really no difference and it's essentially a coin flip. So it's unlikely that your advisor had an emotional attachment to the idea of working with their first choice student and are now disappointed they have you. Rather, they're probably not bothered either way as long as you are productive and progressing as expected. Sometimes, the second or third choices end up doing better than the first choice, as grades and experience only tells you so much about a person. Ambition, creativity, and the sort are more important once you're in.

[PokePsych]

On a sidenote; I've also heard an advisor (not mine :P) once say that they were so happy they ended up with the student that was not their first choice as person X was pretty much amazing/awesome. 

[Hank Scorpio]

I find it helpful to think of it this way: if your advising didn't want you, they wouldn't have you.  It's not like they make the first round of offers, and then take people they don't think are good enough for the program.  For the most part, programs will not keep admitting people until they fill the required number regardless of standard.  It's more often the case that if a program doesn't have enough qualified applicants, they just won't fill all the spots that year.  All that to say, if you're there then your supervisor wanted you there.

[Lisa_McCoy]

Hi, i am so glad you write here and along with the mention of your brand of imposter syndrome, you also spoke about how confident you are in your own abilities. I just want to remind you in the context that these two are huge realities for you, the syndrome phase is temporary due to a low phase. Remembering the temp phase of it can be hugely helpful.