Housemate issues

[Anthony2016]

Hi, this year I spent some time trying to find a housemate that I will get along with really well and invested a lot of time helping her adjust to the new city and settle in. In a few weeks, she started going out with other friends and people from her community and started cutting contact with me. We continued to talk on and off but now during the shutdown, things have gotten worse because as soon as we get comfortable again, she either does not include me in her plans or she does something that we have agreed on not to do. I have decided to ask her to move so I can get someone who is going to be more involved and supportive and have mutual friends with. Am I being unreasonable? She is 10 years younger than me by the way if that helps. 

 

 

Edited May 10, 2020 by Anthony2016

[PsyDuck90]

Honestly, a roommate situation is a business transaction, not an automatic friendship. As long as she has been respectful and has not broken any lease condition, I don't think it's necessarily fair to ask her to move out of what has become her home just because she isn't your bestie. When you say, "she does something that we have agreed on not to do" can you give some examples? Is it like...she ordered pizza when you said you didn't want it or is it something worse? Also, are you the homeowner or are you both renters? 

[Anthony2016]

By that I meant inviting guests without informing and often leaving dirty dishes and not doing the weekly duties. As I write it down, it sounds trivial but not considering the idea was to get a housemate who will supportive. I am a renter as well but I have been here longer and have taken care of the house. 

[Anthony2016]

It affects my PhD because we are in a small town so if I don't get along with my housemate, it is more isolating 

[PsyDuck90]

41 minutes ago, Anthony2016 said:

By that I meant inviting guests without informing and often leaving dirty dishes and not doing the weekly duties. As I write it down, it sounds trivial but not considering the idea was to get a housemate who will supportive. I am a renter as well but I have been here longer and have taken care of the house. 

I get how frustrating a sink full of dirty dishes is. Heck, I hate when my husband does it lol. However, I personally don't think these rise to the level of asking a roommate to leave. And you will come across plenty of people who may leave their dishes in the sink, even if you are best friends. The only way to guarantee things are exactly as you like is if you live alone. I have had toxic roommates. I once had a roommate who I started out friends with. She spent the year we lived together verbally harassing me, barging into my room to yell at me about whatever her purported issue was with me. She left her dead hamster in my freezer. Berated me on a daily basis to where I never used any of the common spaces. Even though I was there first, I left when the lease was up. I couldn't stand living in that environment because it was 100% toxic. However, I also knew I could not tell someone to leave the apartment they have equal right to, so I moved into a basement studio I could afford alone. Roommate situations are not always going to be perfect (probably more often imperfect than perfect), but asking someone to leave because they like to hang out with their friends and sometimes leave dishes in the sink seems a little extra to me. I get the frustration, but telling someone to leave the house they have been paying to live in doesn't seem like an appropriate level of action to me based on the facts you've provided. 

[feralgrad]

Maybe it's my lack of context, but I find it odd that you're bothered by your roommate going out with other friends. I think it's perfectly normal that she would want to have a social life that's separate from her living situation, especially during quarantine, since spending time outside the house is harder. Perhaps she just wants more personal space. Of course, if you're sensing coldness or tension that's another matter.

[Anthony2016]

1 hour ago, PsyDuck90 said:

 

 

47 minutes ago, PsyDuck90 said:

I get how frustrating a sink full of dirty dishes is. Heck, I hate when my husband does it lol. However, I personally don't think these rise to the level of asking a roommate to leave. And you will come across plenty of people who may leave their dishes in the sink, even if you are best friends. The only way to guarantee things are exactly as you like is if you live alone. I have had toxic roommates. I once had a roommate who I started out friends with. She spent the year we lived together verbally harassing me, barging into my room to yell at me about whatever her purported issue was with me. She left her dead hamster in my freezer. Berated me on a daily basis to where I never used any of the common spaces. Even though I was there first, I left when the lease was up. I couldn't stand living in that environment because it was 100% toxic. However, I also knew I could not tell someone to leave the apartment they have equal right to, so I moved into a basement studio I could afford alone. Roommate situations are not always going to be perfect (probably more often imperfect than perfect), but asking someone to leave because they like to hang out with their friends and sometimes leave dishes in the sink seems a little extra to me. I get the frustration, but telling someone to leave the house they have been paying to live in doesn't seem like an appropriate level of action to me based on the facts you've provided. 

That does sound frustrating. I wouldv'e flipped! Your suggestion makes a lot of sense to me but living alone is costly. I guess a few dirty dishes is alright if I don't have to pay the extra $$ to have a completely separate place. 

[Anthony2016]

5 minutes ago, feralgrad said:

Maybe it's my lack of context, but I find it odd that you're bothered by your roommate going out with other friends. I think it's perfectly normal that she would want to have a social life that's separate from her living situation, especially during quarantine, since spending time outside the house is harder. Perhaps she just wants more personal space. Of course, if you're sensing coldness or tension that's another matter.

Yeah when she's busy, she usually doesn't interact much. I am going to let her be now and stop extending the invites. Because it's annoying when someone I spent a lot of time helping is now wanting to spend time away. Thanks for the perspective

[Sigaba]

Just now, feralgrad said:

Maybe it's my lack of context, but I find it odd that you're bothered by your roommate going out with other friends. I think it's perfectly normal that she would want to have a social life that's separate from her living situation, especially during quarantine, since spending time outside the house is harder. Perhaps she just wants more personal space. Of course, if you're sensing coldness or tension that's another matter.

These are not normal times. A housemate who is not staying at home is putting others at risk.

2 hours ago, Anthony2016 said:

Hi, this year I spent some time trying to find a housemate that I will get along with really well and invested a lot of time helping her adjust to the new city and settle in. In a few weeks, she started going out with other friends and people from her community and started cutting contact with me. We continued to talk on and off but now during the shutdown, things have gotten worse because as soon as we get comfortable again, she either does not include me in her plans or she does something that we have agreed on not to do. I have decided to ask her to move so I can get someone who is going to be more involved and supportive and have mutual friends with. Am I being unreasonable? She is 10 years younger than me by the way if that helps. 

MOO, I think that there are two sets of issues. First, your housemate not holding up her end of an agreed set of behaviors. This dynamic is troublesome since she's putting you and others at risk by not following "safer at home" recommended practices.

Second, I think that you may have  an unsustainable  (if not also inappropriate) set of assumptions and expectations. Based upon this thread and your other posts I think that you may seek from social relationships a different type of closeness than others anticipate. 

I recommend that you focus building on rapport as people living in the same space. Please consider the benefits of focusing your efforts on establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries and leaving aside permanently your aspirations for a deeper personal relationship.

 

[Anthony2016]

Just now, Sigaba said:

These are not normal times. A housemate who is not staying at home is putting others at risk.

MOO, I think that there are two sets of issues. First, your housemate not holding up her end of an agreed set of behaviors. This dynamic is troublesome since she's putting you and others at risk by not following "safer at home" recommended practices.

Second, I think that you may have  an unsustainable  (if not also inappropriate) set of assumptions and expectations. Based upon this thread and your other posts I think that you may seek from social relationships a different type of closeness than others anticipate. 

I recommend that you focus building on rapport as people living in the same space. Please consider the benefits of focusing your efforts on establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries and leaving aside permanently your aspirations for a deeper personal relationship.

 

Yes, my expectation are high when I invest time on them and want them to commit the same effort and time on me as well. But this does not seem sustainable, that makes sense..I am trying to balance and not go overboard in my kindness because my expectations build up after that

[PsyDuck90]

11 minutes ago, Anthony2016 said:

Yes, my expectation are high when I invest time on them and want them to commit the same effort and time on me as well. But this does not seem sustainable, that makes sense..I am trying to balance and not go overboard in my kindness because my expectations build up after 

You investing time and energy into someone does not always mean they will return the favor. It seems like you did a very nice thing in making an effort to ease the transition for your housemate. However, that doesn't mean people will always reciprocate (or even that they have to). 

I would absolutely talk to the roommate about the household chores because that is a typical agreement between housemates. However, she does not owe you anything above holding up her end of the living arrangement. I understand that's frustrating and may be hard to hear. But at the end of the day, no one owes you a friendship just because you were nice to them. Ideally, we hope the energy we put in is what we get out of people. But it is not a quid pro quo situation. It must be frustrating feeling so isolated. However, at the end of the day, making you feel less so is not the responsibility of your roommate. No one is required to look after your well being aside from yourself. It's a tough lesson, but it's one everyone needs to learn at some point. 

Based off of this and some of your other posts, I would recommend seeking counseling if you aren't already. This may be helpful in getting you to better understand what you need and how to seek out those needs. Maybe also branching out (hard during the time of COVID), but joining clubs or sports or whatever that are related to your not academic interests. Chances are that even in a small town there are things going on if there is a university nearby. Also, try to connect with people your own age. You said there is a 10 year age gap between the two of you. While things may differ, the average 20 year old may not want to hang out with the average 30 year old (not sure if these are your ages, I'm just estimating). A decade is a big gap and a lot of people transition to different points in their lives within those 10 years. 

[Anthony2016]

Yeah I tried counselling. It was okay but not too effective for me in the first few sessions. I agree, the age gap is big and that may also be the issue here

[Anthony2016]

I think the PhD is taking up most of my time and that also makes it hard to do other things which I would love to do. I also love to travel but it hasn't been easy in the recent months. Though once the lockdown eases up, I hope things get better and I can make my own circle of friends

[PsyDuck90]

11 minutes ago, Anthony2016 said:

Yeah I tried counselling. It was okay but not too effective for me in the first few sessions. I agree, the age gap is big and that may also be the issue here

Therapy isn't a quick fix in 2 sessions. Typically, evidence-based treatments are around 8-10 sessions. It also typically requires a lot of work outside of the therapy room as well in the way of different homework assignments. Additionally, finding the right clinician is important. If you don't feel comfortable with the provider, it may be harder to open up. 

[Anthony2016]

Actually, I don't like the idea of being taken advantage of in these situations but I also want to maintain a friendly relation with my housemate. I am listening to all these responses and realising my expectations were unrealistic.