Is dating/hanging out with undergrads who aren't freshman seen as weird/creepy

[PhantomThief]

10 hours ago, dancewmoonlight said:

As others mentioned, I don't believe it's the inherit act of dating an undergrad that's "wrong," and depending on the school, no one will blink an eye. I think it's about compatibility of two people. Of course, in grad school you're considered more mature, and if you're going out to frat parties every weekend with your undergrad girlfriend, people will probably look down on you, but that's more about going to frat parties every weekend -- your maturity.

Additionally, you're more likely to connect with people in your environment since you'll spend A LOT of time with them. In grad school, I had two GAships, meaning I worked 20 hours/week on top of classes. My GAships were teaching and working in the university's writing center. Most of the hours for "teaching" were spent in the group office with 20-30 other people. That's just where we hung out basically any time we were on campus. Because we were around each other, had classes together, and were going through the same things, we became friends. It was mostly straight women and gay men, so there were no relationships... I probably had my best friendships in the UWC, though, and they were with undergrads. The undergrads working at the UWC often wanted to go to grad school or were nontraditional students. Therefore, they felt more "on-level" and we hung out at work and beyond. I don't think anyone would have blinked if a grad student dated one of them.

All in all, as long as you're compatible with someone, I don't think it's a big deal to date a junior or sophomore. Someone 18-20 is a little different since they're practically still children and figuring out how to be adults, what to do with themselves, etc. (at least in the US). Although the age difference doesn't seem like a lot, it's like a 20-year-old dating a 16-year-old: weird.

22 dating 20 isn't weird?

I mean 20 dating 16 is wrong cuz its an adult dating a minor, I wouldn't say its comparable to that

[dancewmoonlight]

On 9/9/2020 at 2:59 AM, PhantomThief said:

22 dating 20 isn't weird?

I mean 20 dating 16 is wrong cuz its an adult dating a minor, I wouldn't say its comparable to that

I don't think a 22-year-old dating a 20-year-old is weird at all.

In some places, it isn't illegal for a 20-year-old to date a 16-year-old due to Romeo and Juliet laws, but that's a different thing altogether. More of what I was saying is that at certain ages, there's just so much that happens, making the age difference seem much larger. If you want to go for a difference age comparison, what about a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old?

[PhantomThief]

5 hours ago, dancewmoonlight said:

I don't think a 22-year-old dating a 20-year-old is weird at all.

In some places, it isn't illegal for a 20-year-old to date a 16-year-old due to Romeo and Juliet laws, but that's a different thing altogether. More of what I was saying is that at certain ages, there's just so much that happens, making the age difference seem much larger. If you want to go for a difference age comparison, what about a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old?

I see but like 13 and 17 isn't comparable to two young adults, which IMO more case by case like 18/21

[PhantomThief]

Also tbh, I ask mainly in regards to hanging out as I do have a fear/anxiety that this means the end of my youth and I feel so old compared to people in the undergrad age range

[PsyDuck90]

45 minutes ago, PhantomThief said:

I see but like 13 and 17 isn't comparable to two young adults, which IMO more case by case like 18/21

Actually, it kind of is. Research has shown that the frontal lobe isn't fully formed until approximately 25 years of age, so people in their early 20s are still developing in terms of emotion, personality, and executive functioning. This is why research has branded college age "emerging adulthood" because it is distinctly different, developmentally, from adolescence (where there is significant brain growth similar to that of infancy) and adulthood. While the development isn't as drastic from 18-22 as it is from 13-18, there is still significant growth developmentally that is occurring, especially because it's focused almost exclusively on the brain, while human development in adolescence is also evident in other areas. 

[GradSchoolGrad]

51 minutes ago, PhantomThief said:

Also tbh, I ask mainly in regards to hanging out as I do have a fear/anxiety that this means the end of my youth and I feel so old compared to people in the undergrad age range

Well, the best way to feel young again is to start hanging out with people who graduated from undergrad, maybe starting with your grad student colleagues. 

Youth is relative. If moving on from college graduation is tough for you, you'll have a harder time when you turn 30. Move on now before you waste more time reliving college. 

[PhantomThief]

2 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:

Well, the best way to feel young again is to start hanging out with people who graduated from undergrad, maybe starting with your grad student colleagues. 

Youth is relative. If moving on from college graduation is tough for you, you'll have a harder time when you turn 30. Move on now before you waste more time reliving college. 

I wouldn't say I want to relive college exactly 100%, just not feel old/removed from folks who are in it, like be able to hang out with both groups and it not be weird

I know my youth will end but not now

[PhantomThief]

13 hours ago, dancewmoonlight said:

I don't think a 22-year-old dating a 20-year-old is weird at all.

In some places, it isn't illegal for a 20-year-old to date a 16-year-old due to Romeo and Juliet laws, but that's a different thing altogether. More of what I was saying is that at certain ages, there's just so much that happens, making the age difference seem much larger. If you want to go for a difference age comparison, what about a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old?

I mean also 20 and 16 is socially frowned upon as well by the way

[GradSchoolGrad]

9 hours ago, PhantomThief said:

I wouldn't say I want to relive college exactly 100%, just not feel old/removed from folks who are in it, like be able to hang out with both groups and it not be weird

I know my youth will end but not now

Good luck with that.

Undergrad students generally think it will be a bit a weird a grad student is trying to hang out. Grad students will think its weird you are trying to dip into the undergrad pool.

You can't win either way. Cut your losses now and pick a side. Time to grow up. The undergrads will probably tell you the same. 

[Boolakanaka]

10 hours ago, PhantomThief said:

I wouldn't say I want to relive college exactly 100%, just not feel old/removed from folks who are in it, like be able to hang out with both groups and it not be weird

I know my youth will end but not now

Lord. Perhaps what you are in search of is not the counsel from seasoned adults that have traveled the maze of academia, but rather reputable Montessori programs as this adherence to your former period of life, e.g. youth, is your major preoccupation?

[PhantomThief]

2 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:

Good luck with that.

Undergrad students generally think it will be a bit a weird a grad student is trying to hang out. Grad students will think its weird you are trying to dip into the undergrad pool.

You can't win either way. Cut your losses now and pick a side. Time to grow up. The undergrads will probably tell you the same. 

 

2 hours ago, Boolakanaka said:

Lord. Perhaps what you are in search of is not the counsel from seasoned adults that have traveled the maze of academia, but rather reputable Montessori programs as this adherence to your former period of life, e.g. youth, is your major preoccupation?

I'll reaffirm that I've heard different opinions

and second, thanks for being condescending

[GradSchoolGrad]

14 minutes ago, PhantomThief said:

 

I'll reaffirm that I've heard different opinions

and second, thanks for being condescending

It would be helpful if you share your "differing opinions" rather than just saying that you have heard them, which isn't helpful whatsoever to help you. 

[Boolakanaka]

33 minutes ago, PhantomThief said:

 

I'll reaffirm that I've heard different opinions

and second, thanks for being condescending

No problems. While you certainly should and can exercise your own voice to this rather played out subject, your continued and prolonged announcements on the lost of youth now border on fetishism. Not exactly the look one would like to present during the start of their graduate education.

[GradSchoolGrad]

5 minutes ago, Boolakanaka said:

No problems. While you certainly should and can exercise your own voice to this rather played out subject, your continued and prolonged announcements on the lost of youth now border on fetishism. Not exactly the look one would like to present during the start of their graduate education.

@PhantomThief, lets play a thought experiment. I will go out on a limb and say it can be helpful for a grad student to dip into the undergrad pool out of true love + recreational amusement if he/she has an established and stable grad school life.

That being said, do you have a cohort of grad school/adult friends (defined as those you socialize with purely for social purposes at least once a week)? If so, how many, 1, 2, more than 2? Not trying to be nosy, but just saying, if the answer is 1 or 0, you should be avoiding the undergrads period and burning rubber to be an adult because you are way behind. If you dip back to the undergrads, you begin hitting the negatives. 

Before you tell me you heard differently, tell us what, and from what perspective (like are they undergrads, grads, your parents, etc.)?

[Boolakanaka]

On the other hand, your rather short history here of 32 posts and 16 thumbs down is impressive and reaching epic status.

[PhantomThief]

2 hours ago, Boolakanaka said:

No problems. While you certainly should and can exercise your own voice to this rather played out subject, your continued and prolonged announcements on the lost of youth now border on fetishism. Not exactly the look one would like to present during the start of their graduate education.

Oh god, it is not like some inherent weird fetish if you think that or something, more like anxiety/overthinking

[PhantomThief]

2 hours ago, GradSchoolGrad said:

@PhantomThief, lets play a thought experiment. I will go out on a limb and say it can be helpful for a grad student to dip into the undergrad pool out of true love + recreational amusement if he/she has an established and stable grad school life.

That being said, do you have a cohort of grad school/adult friends (defined as those you socialize with purely for social purposes at least once a week)? If so, how many, 1, 2, more than 2? Not trying to be nosy, but just saying, if the answer is 1 or 0, you should be avoiding the undergrads period and burning rubber to be an adult because you are way behind. If you dip back to the undergrads, you begin hitting the negatives. 

Before you tell me you heard differently, tell us what, and from what perspective (like are they undergrads, grads, your parents, etc.)?

What you said is what I am talking about in first place

I just started classess this week, everything is online, but have my friends who just graduated 

and yes, I heard from other grad students and from my own experience with my friend

[GradSchoolGrad]

2 hours ago, PhantomThief said:

What you said is what I am talking about in first place

I just started classess this week, everything is online, but have my friends who just graduated 

and yes, I heard from other grad students and from my own experience with my friend

Good luck doing it with social distancing in tow. 

[tundratussocks]

On 9/1/2020 at 9:35 PM, PhantomThief said:

...I was curious, is it looked down upon to date/hang out with undergrads who aren't freshman? Is the lifestyle/maturity too different and will I seem like that old guy trying to hang on to his youth or is it normal?

Just would like to share my personal experience.  I dated a graduate student while I was an undergrad.  He was actually in his late twenties, so there was a decent age difference.  Generally I got along with and hung out with grad students much more than other undergrads. Still, even though undergrads and grads crossed paths frequently in my department, I was the only exception in terms of an undergrad fraternizing with grads. 

Looking back, I think I was more mature than most people my age in some ways. Still, I had some growing up to do, but I was an adult and could relate to other adults (even if your early 20's doesn't feel that way in the moment). Now I am in my late 20's and frequently run across work scenarios where I am around people between the ages of 18 and 65. I've met 20 year olds who were cool as heck and way more mature than 30 year olds...maybe even more mature than a few 40 year olds. 

All this to say, it really just depends. I think you will relate to other grad students more just because they are in that same space, regardless of their age.  Some of the older applicants will have other concerns that will separate them, like maintaining a home and a family, but that won't be the case for most of your cohort. I wouldn't dive into the situation expecting you won't get along with anyone in your cohort, and I wouldn't immediately try to latch onto any of the undergrads either.  Just go with the flow, try to connect with your peers because they will relate to you best, and see what happens.

 

EDIT: There was something else I wanted to mention. My SO was very self-conscious of our relationship, but thankfully I was ambitious and outgoing as an undergrad so I formed friendships with the other grad students independently of my SO; that helped to negate other people's negative perceptions. Like I said though, there was an age difference on top of our student status for my SO to be aware of. So those social constructs will run the gossip mill, but given that you are in close age with undergrads, I doubt it will do much damage.

Edited September 29, 2020 by tundratussocks