Dealing with rejection

[carlosopolar]

Dealing with the impacts of COVID-19 and "prestigious" award rejection has not been fun. I've been eating my feeling out for about a month now. I was rejected the Marshall scholarship and the Mitchell scholarship this month. I have read many things, listened to many people, and have treated myself many times in an effort to really process the fact that I shouldn't take this personally but I cannot pin-point why I am taking it very personal-very, very personal. As a first-generation, non-traditional undergrad who is also disabled, I feel like I could be saving the entire world and they would still say "no." Like, I wish I had the time and resources to be able to publish journals, be part of published research, or be part of panels--but it's already hard enough trying to work full-time for a government policy office while I wrap up my undergraduate degree. I am loosing a lot of inspiration. My creativity is running dry. This is taking a toll on my mental health to the point where I am questioning my career choices since a lot of scholarships seem to not want to fund technical degrees that are not for medical school. I am also questioning why in the world I even have the ambitious idea of going to graduate school and pursuing a very particular career/path, if I cannot afford it. Bottom line: I am a poor, brown, disabled, first-generation college student and it suddenly feels like all the odds are against me--again. S.O.S.

[feralgrad]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. There's no two ways about it: you're dealing with some forces that are very unfair (both in academia and society as a whole). Maybe the reason you're taking these rejections so personally is because they're forcing you to confront your limits. I think applications/rejections can do that to all of us. My recommendation is to rebuild your sense of agency in other ways. Maybe talk to a career counselor (since you're still in undergrad) and come up with a plan b. Since you're a first-generation student, maybe a career advisor could give you some options you/your family weren't aware of.

[RyanS]

I'm very sorry to hear this and I'm glad you're reaching out for help.  Rejection is never fun.

I have a short story that might be useful.  When I was in grad school I was working at a lock down facility for juveniles.  At one point, three of the clients that I had "successfully discharged" had reoffended and were back at the placement.  I felt like a total failure as a therapist and questioned why I was even dedicating my life to this.  When I was talking to my supervisor about it, he reminded me that our identity is largely made up of the what we spend our time doing.  In grad school, I was living, eating, and sleeping psychology daily from 8a-8p.  Therefore, my identity was about 95% psychology.  If there is any threat to something I was doing related to psychology, it felt like a threat to my entire identity, even though I am much more than just psychology.  That's why I was feeling like such an abject failure.   

Our identities also tell us something about what we value.  Even though you've written very little in your OP, it's clear that your area of study is very important to you.  We only hurt for things we care about.  The fact that you've been rejected in one "slice" of your life is not evidence of your total value; it just feels that way because the issue is so close to your heart.  Rejection is part of the game, just ask anyone that you think is "successful."  The real question is whether or not you are WILLING to experience rejection and keep moving forward anyways because that's what's important to you.

Edited November 26, 2020 by RyanS
typo

[Crucial BBQ]

On 11/23/2020 at 2:45 AM, carlosopolar said:

Dealing with the impacts of COVID-19 and "prestigious" award rejection has not been fun. I've been eating my feeling out for about a month now. I was rejected the Marshall scholarship and the Mitchell scholarship this month. I have read many things, listened to many people, and have treated myself many times in an effort to really process the fact that I shouldn't take this personally but I cannot pin-point why I am taking it very personal-very, very personal. As a first-generation, non-traditional undergrad who is also disabled, I feel like I could be saving the entire world and they would still say "no." Like, I wish I had the time and resources to be able to publish journals, be part of published research, or be part of panels--but it's already hard enough trying to work full-time for a government policy office while I wrap up my undergraduate degree. I am loosing a lot of inspiration. My creativity is running dry. This is taking a toll on my mental health to the point where I am questioning my career choices since a lot of scholarships seem to not want to fund technical degrees that are not for medical school. I am also questioning why in the world I even have the ambitious idea of going to graduate school and pursuing a very particular career/path, if I cannot afford it. Bottom line: I am a poor, brown, disabled, first-generation college student and it suddenly feels like all the odds are against me--again. S.O.S.

Keep in mind that it is the application, and not you, that gets rejected.  Scholarships in general tend to be very competitive, too.

It looks like the two scholarships you mention are for U.S. residents to study abroad in the U.K.  Is that your plan?  There are tons of scholarships out there.  What do you mean by a technical degree?   

 

[GradSchoolGrad]

On 11/23/2020 at 2:45 AM, carlosopolar said:

Dealing with the impacts of COVID-19 and "prestigious" award rejection has not been fun. I've been eating my feeling out for about a month now. I was rejected the Marshall scholarship and the Mitchell scholarship this month. I have read many things, listened to many people, and have treated myself many times in an effort to really process the fact that I shouldn't take this personally but I cannot pin-point why I am taking it very personal-very, very personal. As a first-generation, non-traditional undergrad who is also disabled, I feel like I could be saving the entire world and they would still say "no." Like, I wish I had the time and resources to be able to publish journals, be part of published research, or be part of panels--but it's already hard enough trying to work full-time for a government policy office while I wrap up my undergraduate degree. I am loosing a lot of inspiration. My creativity is running dry. This is taking a toll on my mental health to the point where I am questioning my career choices since a lot of scholarships seem to not want to fund technical degrees that are not for medical school. I am also questioning why in the world I even have the ambitious idea of going to graduate school and pursuing a very particular career/path, if I cannot afford it. Bottom line: I am a poor, brown, disabled, first-generation college student and it suddenly feels like all the odds are against me--again. S.O.S.

Mitchell and Marshall are 2 of the most difficult scholarships to get in the US. If you also look at their awardees, they are also decently diverse in terms of make up and background (although I'm sure there are always opportunities to improve). I also know because I got 4 family members that a got rejected from both Scholarships with Golden Resumes and later moved on to other amazing things (yes, things like Harvard Business School, Oxbridge, tier 1 companies, tech start ups, and etc.).  I have met the other Mitchell and Marshall rejects (of all backgrounds) - they are all ridiculous. I also met those that get accepted - also all insanely ridiculous. Its the super Olympics of academia. 

Not saying the world is fair (although in this case, I don't think its fair for you to complain given how crazy competitive these scholarships are), but you can either rock star at life (because there is more to life than these 2 scholarships) and move on, or let your long line off successes (I'm assuming that by virtue of competing for them in the first place, you have to have had a pretty amazing accomplishments underneath your belt) take a tumble because one door is closed.

If you could achieve this far, I'm sure you have a lot more achieving to go with opportunities elsewhere. Look for those other doors. 

P.S. I have been rejected by every single scholarship I ever applied for. I also grew up poor and am a person of color. I'm doing fine.

Edited January 7, 2021 by GradSchoolGrad

[JQRocks]

I can totally relate to you. I applied to 10 schools for their Ph.D. in Neuroscience, and I am afraid that I will end this application with zero offers. 

I am an international student, but I have been in the US for seven years and obtained two masters (electrical engineering and biomedical engineering) from US schools. I have 2 first-author journal publications (one more submitted), 1 book chapter, 1 US patent, 5 conference posters/abstract, 20 months of full-time (40 hours/week) research experience. Taught 79 undergrad students for the lab session. Mentored six undergrad students, with five of them went into grad programs globally. I have 6 months of clinical study/data collection experience too.

None of the above gets me an interview, at all.

And this how I deal with it. Perhaps it can help you a little bit as well.

First of all, don't jump to the conclusion that it has anything to do with your race, or nationality, or any other social/physical factors. Because you cannot change those facts. Believing that those social factors are the reason that got you rejected will only make you feel hopeless, angry, and give up self-improvement. 

Focus on things you can change: Learn how to better organize your application packages for workshops, select a better scholarship program that fits you (or you fit their vision), get involved in lab research and start publishing, etc. I am not selling you the "positivity" BS, but self-improvement is our only hope.

Second, if you have tried really hard and give everything you got but still failed, it's ok. I am a big believer in "If you have to fail, fail early and fail hard." After the first three days of feeling pissed and personally offended for being rejected, I started to figure out a thing: If all 10 schools don't think I have what it takes to be a successful neuroscientist, then it is very likely they are right. They probably are doing me a favor, saving me from a bigger failure many years later. Failure is not the worst. Failing after 10 or 20 years is the worst. 

 

The world is just fine before I am here, and it will be fine after I am gone. I don't matter that much to the world. 

The only thing that matters to me is being happy and making people around me happy.

 

Good luck, my friend. Maybe good luck is the only thing you don't have yet.

[nęm0]

Life goes on! These scholarship are not the end of your story. Its okay to be down for a bit but know that anything of value is not achieved easily