Airplanes and I don't get along

[ExoticTeacup]

** This is very long, as almost all of my posts are. If you do have the patience to read it, though, I'd really appreciate some feedback. Skimming the first two and last paragraphs will give you the basic message, but for the people who really don't understand what living with this phobia is like, I wanted to include details. **

The title is a major understatement. When it comes to travel, I am absolutely paralyzed by a fear of flying. Yes, I'm familiar with safety statistics, and I know how planes work, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm even in the Aerospace Engineering department! I mean, my funding even comes from the US Air Force! Still, no matter how much I know about the subject, I am utterly terrified of flying. I know it's irrational; that's why it's called a phobia. Before bombarding me with statistics and reassurances about flying, please consider whether you would try to tell a claustrophobic person statistics about the safety of broom closets. My point is, don't try to convince me planes are safe because I already know they are; for the time being, this phobia is not going away, so please keep responses focused on how I should handle working around it rather than trying to cure it.

When I fly, I have panic attacks. And I don't just panic; I get hysterical. I have fainted in the middle of airports. I have vomited in waiting areas. I have accidentally caused other people to panic because they thought I was having a heart attack. I have sprinted off of an airplane just moments before the flight attendant closed the door in a last minute panic. I feel a knot in my stomach that makes me physically ill for WEEKS before I fly. Sometimes I have multiple panic attacks per day for a week or more leading up to a flight. Even the process of buying a ticket online, or driving by an airport where I can actually see the planes makes me panic and/or get sick to my stomach.

Having said that, the weird thing is that I have flown before. I've flown a lot actually. I studied abroad three times as an undergrad, and I've had to make very short-term travel plans where flying was my only option. In fact, I've been on over 30 flights since I started college. The problem is that each one has been worse than the last. I started out just terrified of flying; now I become completely incapacitated by the mere suggestion that I might have to fly. At this point, I can only fly sedated, and that just complicates things more.

A year ago, I flew with my undergraduate summer research group. We had to take 9 flights that summer, and I couldn't get out of them. I tried to drop out of the program two days before the first flight. I even offered to repay the university every penny of my summer research stipend, but my well-meaning adviser refused to allow it. It was humiliating that the entire research group had to know that I had to fly sedated. I felt awful that one of them had to help me through a panic attack. I was embarrassed the my adviser had to act like my parent in order to keep me from leaving the program. That series of flights was the last straw for me. After that experience, I absolutely cannot, will not, get back on an airplane. I'm shaking and crying right now just from thinking about flying.

I've tried to get help for this so many times, but it just doesn't work. No matter how many therapists I've talked to, nobody can figure out how to get to the root of the problem. They tell me statistics I already know and get confused as to why I get worse with each flight rather than desensitized. There is a moment of stunned silence when I tell them about how much I like turbulence because it feels like a roller coaster, and how the most positive flying experience I can recall was the awesome sound and light show that came from flying through a thunderstorm. Apparently it's also strange that I do better in the little puddle jumpers than the huge jumbo jets, and that I've gone skydiving (it makes sense to me; I got to do exactly what I always want to do: get OUT of the plane!) and hang gliding. Nobody has been able to help me because I don't fit the profile of any of the other people they've seen with this phobia. I've also had no success with self help stuff. At this point, I've accepted that I just don't fly.

I am a first-year Ph.D. student now, and nobody here knows about my phobia. My boyfriend is going to a conference in a month and since I ironically have more experience booking flights than him, he asked me to book his travel. I started panicking when I tried to book his flights online (this was a surprise to me; I didn't know I panicked when booking flights for other people, too). He then told me that my advisor was going to be very unhappy with me if I refused to fly to a conference someday. I hadn't even thought about this. I never really considered it, but I guess I just figured that if I had to go to a conference on the other side of the country, I'd take a train and be there in 3 days. I mean, I get 3 weeks of vacation each year, so if it really mattered, couldn't I just take 6 of those days for travel? I know of lots of people who traveled to conferences and stayed an extra several days to sightsee. Would it be equally okay for me to spend my sightseeing time not in the city where the conference is held, but on a train somewhere between here and there? Am I really going to piss off my advisor by refusing to fly? As if the impostor syndrome wasn't enough at this point, now I have to worry about how long it will be before I disappoint everyone by making a big deal out of avoiding something as mundane as flying. I can't risk having everyone in my group lose any respect they might have for me by seeing me the way my undergrad research group saw me while traveling by plane, though. Does anyone else here have a severe fear of flying? How do you deal with it when it comes to things like conferences? Is this something I should tell my advisor about ahead of time, or should I wait until it becomes an issue? Also, how often will this become a problem? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[rachaelski]

Wow, I can see how this problem could get in your way. I think you should talk to your advisor about your rapidly increasing fear of flying. Maybe not in your first meeting, but when it is relevant. I think that if you explain it to anyone how you explained it here, that they can see how serious it is. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with taking trains or busses to locations in the US. I think you are taking the right steps by anticipating future difficulties now, that way you can approach the problem with a reasonable solution. If it makes you feel any better, I am terrified of heights, but only on man-made structures...maybe all this higher education makes our fears more elaborate.

[poco_puffs]

I don't have a fear of flying, but I do have my own phobias that have caused a ruckus or two in the past. I can tell you this though: there are other medical conditions that would prevent people from flying, and departments would obviously have to accommodate a person for that disability. In your case, you obviously have more than just a minor fear of flying: it's a full blown phobia, with panic attacks and fainting and all sorts of physical manifestations of your extreme anxiety. Such being the case, I have a couple of recommendations that should help you avoid the "but it's just flying" conversations and get you the results you need.

First off, do you have any sort of medical records documenting your severe anxiety about flying? Have you been hospitalized, or were there incident reports filed at the airports where you had fainting or panic attacks? Have you sought any sort of treatment, whether counseling or pharmaceutical? Gather whatever records you have, or work with your boyfriend to put together a time line of dates, incidents, particular symptoms. Any of this will put significantly more weight behind your claims of the phobia/anxiety, and should help smooth the way for alternate travel plans if anyone seems reluctant to accommodate you.

I would recommend going to the Disability Services offices on your campus to speak with someone about your situation. You might need to make an appointment, but there are people who are employed for exactly this reason. They are paid to help students work around limitations in order to maximize their experience at the university, and they are also there to advocate for you in case your department (for whatever reason) is less willing to have you travel by train instead of plane, for instance.

Finally, within your department, talk to either a trusted professor/advisor, your Director of Graduate Studies, or whoever might coordinate student attendance at conferences. It depends on the climate and personalities within your department, but among those people you should be able to find *someone* with a sympathetic ear. This whole travel arrangement thing could potentially be a non-issue, where no one would be bothered at all by your aversion to planes. If it is something that requires a bit of discussion and effort, having a person within the department on your side will help you navigate the problem.

The important thing, I think, is to start working towards a solution before the anticipated problem gets too close. If you can work out this understanding and arrangements with the Disability Services and your department before any conferences are discussed, then everyone will be prepared and no last-minute changes will need to be made. Also, if you suffer from such intense anxiety and panic attacks for several weeks before a planned trip, your ability to find advocates and make these arrangements might be diminished. Work with your boyfriend, the services on campus, and your department to start the ball rolling on this, and you should be able to avoid a lot of hassle.

[UnlikelyGrad]

I agree that you really have to tell your advisor ASAP. It is a disability which seems to be relatively non-treatable, so I imagine it would be covered under the ADA.

Something popped out at me as I read your post: the stuff leading up to a flight is giving you panic attacks, too. It strikes me that this stuff builds upon itself, thereby making the actual day of the flight worse. Is there any way you could get someone else to take care of all your preliminaries--booking, packing, etc.? Would that help you make it on to the airplane relatively intact? (I assume you'd be heavily medicated after that point to avoid panic attacks etc.)

[kaz]

I really doubt an advisor would be pissed off that you don't want to fly. You need to do what's best for you and your supervisor will do what's best for him. But if you were to want to go to a conference in say south korea, you can't simply spend 6 days and take a train. I would have thought coming to an understanding on the issue with your advisor before you start the phd would be good but since you've already started, you could try to start a discussion by asking him about how many conferences he expects you to attend, or where the conferences are held, to understand what he has in mind planned for you

[rising_star]

I know of a few famous professors in my discipline that refuse to fly. You'll be fine. Get there however you want to get there. FWIW, my advisor has never asked about my travel plans for conferences. I just get there how and when I want to get there.

[Eigen]

I doubt it will be that huge of a deal.

If they're sending you to conferences, most won't care if you take a few extra days of non-air travel to get there. Heck, my PI even recommends that we take some time before/after conferences for a trip/vacation.

If you end up having to go to a few overseas conferences, this might be more of a problem... But I'm sure you could bow out of those (and have someone else in your group present).