Severely depressed about my options

[mickeykollins]

So I only applied to a few grad programs in my field, Physics and Astronomy, because I made a very late decision to apply to grad school after taking a year off to work in industry. As a result, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do or where to apply. I only applied to 2 top-10 schools and 4 more in the top-15 range. I didn't get into any of the top-10's but got in to 2 of the 11-15 schools. I also applied to about 8 more math and engineering schools and got into 1 Applied Math program.

Theres a few catches with the schools so thats why I honestly don't really see myself being happy going to any of the schools I got into.

For one of them, its only a few hours away from where I live and did my undergrad studies at. I lived in this same area my whole life and would like to go to a few environment. I didn't even like the school I did my undergrad at, due in part to troubles with adjusting to transferring there, until my last couple semesters. I guess the main reason I applied to this similar school was because its close to my family, which especially matters to me since I recently lost my father so my mother spends alot more time alone now. Also, the school was pretty strong in the research areas I was interested in. But my interests have changed now, and while this school is still fairly strong in my new interest, it only has 1 prof researching in that area, so its sort of risky in terms of whether I can get along with my advisor or not. Based on the visit, he seemed like a nice guy I could get along with. But hes recently been spending alot of time using the campus' supercomputers and not being available with his students

For the 2nd school, I just visited the school and liked the feel of the dept. However, I just recently found out that they're having major funding issues in the research area that is now my main interest. Thus, they can't even guarantee supporting me on a TA if I want to do research in that area.

For the 3rd one, I also haven't visited yet, but the location also seems nice. The program offers a wide range of research areas, which appealed to me, but is weak in my (now) main research interest.

I'm not enthusiastic about any of my options. I would've been happy going to option #2 until I just recently heard about those problems. I'm seriously considering reapplying

If I reapply, I plan to do research in my (now) main research area, and to work maybe 60 hrs/wk in it. I understand theres risks to reapplying. Come to think about

it, I will need to get at least 2 new LORs since one of my previous research advisors told me he won't write me LORs again. My other research advisor didn't even respond to my email when I notified him about where I got accepted to and how I hinted that I may want to reapply next year. So I'm guessing he might not even want to write another LOR if I reapply. I guess thats because I may have annoyed him by applying to over 15 schools total (I appleid to about 8 more math and engineering schools. I got rejected from all of them).

Edited March 25, 2011 by mickeykollins

[MoJingly]

This is a decision that only you can make, obviously, but I will give the advice I've given on here a few times before.

Right now, make a decision on what you are going to do. Decide, for example, that you are going to go to school B. Then go about the rest of your day wearing that decision. Go to bed knowing it. Wake up knowing it. In some time (at least a day, but maybe a few), look at how you feel. Are you happy? No? Then make the decision to re-apply and wear it.

And always know that your friends on GradCafe are rooting for you.

[mickeykollins]

This is a decision that only you can make, obviously, but I will give the advice I've given on here a few times before.

Right now, make a decision on what you are going to do. Decide, for example, that you are going to go to school B. Then go about the rest of your day wearing that decision. Go to bed knowing it. Wake up knowing it. In some time (at least a day, but maybe a few), look at how you feel. Are you happy? No? Then make the decision to re-apply and wear it.

And always know that your friends on GradCafe are rooting for you.

Thanks for the reply. For the 1st and 3rd schools, its making me depressed, as I've even had some suicidal thoughts. For the 2nd, I actually felt happy after the visit, until I found out that its extremely unlikely that i can get funding for my main research interest. Waiting another year doesnt sound great either. I feel sick knowing that my peers are already in grad school whereas I may not enter school until at least 2 yrs after them. I never imagined being in such a hellish position. I dont even know for sure if my previous research advisor is willing to write me another LOR

[qbtacoma]

Thanks for the reply. For the 1st and 3rd schools, its making me depressed, as I've even had some suicidal thoughts. For the 2nd, I actually felt happy after the visit, until I found out that its extremely unlikely that i can get funding for my main research interest. Waiting another year doesnt sound great either. I feel sick knowing that my peers are already in grad school whereas I may not enter school until at least 2 yrs after them. I never imagined being in such a hellish position. I dont even know for sure if my previous research advisor is willing to write me another LOR

Because you have the option of working in industry, are the financial limitations of the 2nd school really that bad? If you have a reasonable chance of paying off your loans it might be worth it. Of course this is contingent on your goals - if you want to stay in academia and not work in industry ever again that might be a bad choice.

Why do you feel sick that you won't be going to grad school until after your peers? You are in a different place than they are. Grad school, for everyone, is really about competing with ourselves and living up to our own potential rather than competing with others. At the end of the day it is our own satisfaction that matters. If you feel that you *must* do this because going to grad school is an important part of your self-conception as a successful person (rather than a way to pursue your own research goals), then I'll say this: You are not a failure if you don't go to grad school this year, or next year, or ever. It is okay to work for a few years to get enough money so you can go wherever you choose. It is okay to work and never go to grad school, if that makes the most sense for your life.

I apologize if I presume too much about what's going through your head, but I worry when I read that you are literally feeling sick and depressed and in hell over this. Do you have a good friend you can talk to in person about your feelings? Things will be okay!

Edited March 25, 2011 by qbtacoma

[MoJingly]

Thanks for the reply. For the 1st and 3rd schools, its making me depressed, as I've even had some suicidal thoughts. For the 2nd, I actually felt happy after the visit, until I found out that its extremely unlikely that i can get funding for my main research interest. Waiting another year doesnt sound great either. I feel sick knowing that my peers are already in grad school whereas I may not enter school until at least 2 yrs after them. I never imagined being in such a hellish position. I dont even know for sure if my previous research advisor is willing to write me another LOR

If the 1st and 3rd schools make you that upset, then forget them. Tell them you aren't going to attend. Shred the letters. Move on. It's FINE! There is absolutely NO reason to hang on to those options if you are unhappy. Even more important, there is absolutely NO REASON to have suicidal thoughts about ANYTHING in this process. This is a stressful time, sure, but keep yourself in check. If you feel overwhelmed and extremely unhappy, take a break! There is nothing set in stone. You don't have to prove anything to anybody. All that matters is that you feel balanced and that you can handle this.

Why don't you give school #2 a call and explain your concerns? If you imagine that you will be happy there, then try to make it work. Maybe the school has some ideas about outside funding or something else you can do.

Don't worry about you research advisor. Asking for a letter for this person is pretty far down the road. Don't make the decision based on a "hunch" that this person MIGHT not write one for you. Ask! If they decline, find another research position and get another advisor. One person can't hold you back.

As far as getting into graduate school after your peers, so what? Big whoop. If you decide to take a year off, think of all the things you could experience and learn that will give you an advantage over those peers in the long run. IT'S GOOD. I did it, and it was the best decision I've ever made. Chances are, a lot of your incoming class will have done the same thing.

I've felt a lot of the things you are expressing. I felt that if I didn't go to school THIS YEAR then I was behind. As it turns out, that was such a wrong way of thinking. It becomes very clear very soon.

Take a deep breath. You've got this. If you decide to go to school #2 and it turns out you don't like it, it's FINE! If you decide to take a year off and decide you want to re-apply, it's FINE! Try to think about this in a positive light. This is not a "hellish" position at all. Take it one day at a time. One day at a time. Step #1: What do you WANT to do next year?

[mickeykollins]

Because you have the option of working in industry, are the financial limitations of the 2nd school really that bad? If you have a reasonable chance of paying off your loans it might be worth it. Of course this is contingent on your goals - if you want to stay in academia and not work in industry ever again that might be a bad choice.

Why do you feel sick that you won't be going to grad school until after your peers? You are in a different place than they are. Grad school, for everyone, is really about competing with ourselves and living up to our own potential rather than competing with others. At the end of the day it is our own satisfaction that matters. If you feel that you *must* do this because going to grad school is an important part of your self-conception as a successful person (rather than a way to pursue your own research goals), then I'll say this: You are not a failure if you don't go to grad school this year, or next year, or ever. It is okay to work for a few years to get enough money so you can go wherever you choose. It is okay to work and never go to grad school, if that makes the most sense for your life.

I apologize if I presume too much about what's going through your head, but I worry when I read that you are literally feeling sick and depressed and in hell over this. Do you have a good friend you can talk to in person about your feelings? Things will be okay!

Thanks for the reply. In Phys and Astro, NO ONE has to pay for their school. Its expected that students will get funded some way - TA, RA, etc. The idea of someone having to pay their way in this field is outrageous. I already have spent a year working in industry and the past 5 months working part-time as a tutor and working on applications. I'm REALLY tired of waiting. Thats why even though school #2 isn't my ideal choice, it still would've been good enough for me to go there if they could fund me for my main interest.

If the 1st and 3rd schools make you that upset, then forget them. Tell them you aren't going to attend. Shred the letters. Move on. It's FINE! There is absolutely NO reason to hang on to those options if you are unhappy. Even more important, there is absolutely NO REASON to have suicidal thoughts about ANYTHING in this process. This is a stressful time, sure, but keep yourself in check. If you feel overwhelmed and extremely unhappy, take a break! There is nothing set in stone. You don't have to prove anything to anybody. All that matters is that you feel balanced and that you can handle this.

Why don't you give school #2 a call and explain your concerns? If you imagine that you will be happy there, then try to make it work. Maybe the school has some ideas about outside funding or something else you can do.

Don't worry about you research advisor. Asking for a letter for this person is pretty far down the road. Don't make the decision based on a "hunch" that this person MIGHT not write one for you. Ask! If they decline, find another research position and get another advisor. One person can't hold you back.

As far as getting into graduate school after your peers, so what? Big whoop. If you decide to take a year off, think of all the things you could experience and learn that will give you an advantage over those peers in the long run. IT'S GOOD. I did it, and it was the best decision I've ever made. Chances are, a lot of your incoming class will have done the same thing.

I've felt a lot of the things you are expressing. I felt that if I didn't go to school THIS YEAR then I was behind. As it turns out, that was such a wrong way of thinking. It becomes very clear very soon.

Take a deep breath. You've got this. If you decide to go to school #2 and it turns out you don't like it, it's FINE! If you decide to take a year off and decide you want to re-apply, it's FINE! Try to think about this in a positive light. This is not a "hellish" position at all. Take it one day at a time. One day at a time. Step #1: What do you WANT to do next year?

Thanks for the reply

1. I wish I could take a break. But I have to make a decision in less than 3 weeks. I've already talked to school #2 about the funding issues in my main research interest. But I haven't explained to them that I would be eager to join them if they could just provide me with some funding if i pursue my main research interest. Should I try and beg them to see if they have any other funding options other than TAing? I severely doubt it. Its really a shame that they can only provide me with a TA if I research in my secondary interest areas and CAN'T switch to my main interest

2. As for my previous research advisor, if he won't write me any more LORs, then I have to find 3 NEW LORs! I doubt that I can get more than TWO new LORs if I start research with new profs this spring and summer. So if I can't get another quality LOR from him again, I'd imagine that severely reduces the quality of schools i can get into if i reapply

3. I've already taken 1.5 years off, and if I reapply, then it'll be 2.5 years since I graduated. I'm just sick of this. I know I made the right decision to take the 1.5 years off. But I really feel ready to start and can't imagine the pain of having to wait another year to start. As much as I don't like the options at the 1st and 3rd schools, waiting ANOTHER year sounds just as bad. Living at home with my mom, unable to pay for myself (if I take this year off to research with a prof over the summer and fall, I doubt they can provide funding for me)

4. Deciding to go to a school and then not liking it is NOT fine. I'll have to endure 5 yrs of hell or deal with the turmoil of wanting to transfer or drop out

Edited March 25, 2011 by mickeykollins

[runonsentence]

Thanks for the reply. In Phys and Astro, NO ONE has to pay for their school. Its expected that students will get funded some way - TA, RA, etc. The idea of someone having to pay their way in this field is outrageous. I already have spent a year working in industry and the past 5 months working part-time as a tutor and working on applications. I'm REALLY tired of waiting. Thats why even though school #2 isn't my ideal choice, it still would've been good enough for me to go there if they could fund me for my main interest.

Thanks for the reply

1. I wish I could take a break. But I have to make a decision in less than 3 weeks. I've already talked to school #2 about the funding issues in my main research interest. But I haven't explained to them that I would be eager to join them if they could just provide me with some funding if i pursue my main research interest. Should I try and beg them to see if they have any other funding options other than TAing? I severely doubt it. Its really a shame that they can only provide me with a TA if I research in my secondary interest areas and CAN'T switch to my main interest

2. As for my previous research advisor, if he won't write me any more LORs, then I have to find 3 NEW LORs! I doubt that I can get more than TWO new LORs if I start research with new profs this spring and summer. So if I can't get another quality LOR from him again, I'd imagine that severely reduces the quality of schools i can get into if i reapply

3. I've already taken 1.5 years off, and if I reapply, then it'll be 2.5 years since I graduated. I'm just sick of this. I know I made the right decision to take the 1.5 years off. But I really feel ready to start and can't imagine the pain of having to wait another year to start. As much as I don't like the options at the 1st and 3rd schools, waiting ANOTHER year sounds just as bad. Living at home with my mom, unable to pay for myself (if I take this year off to research with a prof over the summer and fall, I doubt they can provide funding for me)

4. Deciding to go to a school and then not liking it is NOT fine. I'll have to endure 5 yrs of hell or deal with the turmoil of wanting to transfer or drop out

I know how awful it can be to feel like your life is on hold. But to reiterate some wise words that have already been said here, do remember that this is all about what will make you happy and what you can live with!

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it really IS okay if you get to your program and don't like it—nothing has to keep you there for five years, and if you tell yourself the most important thing is to be happy, then it won't be turmoil to decide to do something about it, you simply WILL and you'll be awesome. You should pursue the degree because it makes you happy; if it stops making you happy, that's what leaves of absence and leaving entirely are there for.

Take this one decision at a time. I understand, all of those obstacles and gross feelings are hard to push out of your mind; I also carry the tendency of jumping ahead 18 steps from any decisions I make and worrying about everything I can all at once. But give yourself a bit of a break: don't worry about the LORs now. If you decide you'll reapply, you can worry about that when the time comes.

It sounds to me like the decision in front of you is (a) go to school #2, or ( reapply and get in somewhere compatible with your true, emerging interests. Talk to school #2 again. Send them an email, tell them you're their top choice and that while you know they said they didn't have funding for you, you are really bent on making it work and would welcome any creative solutions they might have up their sleeves or leads on outside sources of funding. Really reasonable email, and I am sure it would be received well, especially since they liked you and your application enough to accept you.

If you choose the reapply next year, remember: this year wasn't a wasted effort. It gave you clarity about your future research, and you'll have an even stronger package next time around.

Most importantly, don't beat yourself up over ANY of this! You did well with your apps, considering that you did a rush job and weren't completely sure of direction. And if one of your research advisors really was annoyed over sending out 15 letters, then you shouldn't feel bad, because what he needs is a reality check and to take another look at his job description. You can do this, and we're all here for you. Feel free to send me a PM anytime you need to talk.

[MoJingly]

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it really IS okay if you get to your program and don't like it—nothing has to keep you there for five years, and if you tell yourself the most important thing is to be happy, then it won't be turmoil to decide to do something about it, you simply WILL and you'll be awesome. You should pursue the degree because it makes you happy; if it stops making you happy, that's what leaves of absence and leaving entirely are there for.

This. It's true. I wasn't saying that you should make this decision with the idea that you will change your mind, but rather with the confidence that you are NOT selling your soul. You are in charge. If you are unhappy and want to change something, you always can. You will have to jump through hoops and do things you don't want to, but nothing owns you. Not your grad program, not your debt, and not even your ultimate degree.

[KreacherKeeper]

This is a decision that only you can make, obviously, but I will give the advice I've given on here a few times before.

Right now, make a decision on what you are going to do. Decide, for example, that you are going to go to school B. Then go about the rest of your day wearing that decision. Go to bed knowing it. Wake up knowing it. In some time (at least a day, but maybe a few), look at how you feel. Are you happy? No? Then make the decision to re-apply and wear it.

And always know that your friends on GradCafe are rooting for you.

This is the best advice ever. I plan to use it!

[mickeykollins]

But give yourself a bit of a break: don't worry about the LORs now. If you decide you'll reapply, you can worry about that when the time comes.

If I can't get the LOR from my previous research advisor, then finding 3 new LORs won't be easy and I'd imagine at most 2 of them with be decent. If I can't get into any schools that are more competitive next year than the ones I've currently been accepted to, then reapplying is pointless as much as I don't like my current options

It sounds to me like the decision in front of you is (a) go to school #2, or ( reapply and get in somewhere compatible with your true, emerging interests. Talk to school #2 again. Send them an email, tell them you're their top choice and that while you know they said they didn't have funding for you, you are really bent on making it work and would welcome any creative solutions they might have up their sleeves or leads on outside sources of funding. Really reasonable email, and I am sure it would be received well, especially since they liked you and your application enough to accept you.

I've talked to a few of the profs that research in my main interest, and they appear to be trying to work something out with the dept to offer me some kind of funding. So there may be hope afterall. But I doubt it. Its basically like trying to admit someone after they've been rejected, not just wait-listed.

If you choose the reapply next year, remember: this year wasn't a wasted effort. It gave you clarity about your future research, and you'll have an even stronger package next time around.

Considering that I spent most of that time just looking at websites of schools, skimming through scientific papers, etc, I guess it was like spending an additional semester as an undergrad since I wasn't making any money from working during that time.

Most importantly, don't beat yourself up over ANY of this! You did well with your apps, considering that you did a rush job and weren't completely sure of direction. And if one of your research advisors really was annoyed over sending out 15 letters, then you shouldn't feel bad, because what he needs is a reality check and to take another look at his job description.

Too bad he can get away with that. Screw him

[chaospaladin]

So I only applied to a few grad programs in my field, Physics and Astronomy, because I made a very late decision to apply to grad school after taking a year off to work in industry. As a result, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do or where to apply. I only applied to 2 top-10 schools and 4 more in the top-15 range. I didn't get into any of the top-10's but got in to 2 of the 11-15 schools. I also applied to about 8 more math and engineering schools and got into 1 Applied Math program.

Theres a few catches with the schools so thats why I honestly don't really see myself being happy going to any of the schools I got into.

For one of them, its only a few hours away from where I live and did my undergrad studies at. I lived in this same area my whole life and would like to go to a few environment. I didn't even like the school I did my undergrad at, due in part to troubles with adjusting to transferring there, until my last couple semesters. I guess the main reason I applied to this similar school was because its close to my family, which especially matters to me since I recently lost my father so my mother spends alot more time alone now. Also, the school was pretty strong in the research areas I was interested in. But my interests have changed now, and while this school is still fairly strong in my new interest, it only has 1 prof researching in that area, so its sort of risky in terms of whether I can get along with my advisor or not. Based on the visit, he seemed like a nice guy I could get along with. But hes recently been spending alot of time using the campus' supercomputers and not being available with his students

For the 2nd school, I just visited the school and liked the feel of the dept. However, I just recently found out that they're having major funding issues in the research area that is now my main interest. Thus, they can't even guarantee supporting me on a TA if I want to do research in that area.

For the 3rd one, I also haven't visited yet, but the location also seems nice. The program offers a wide range of research areas, which appealed to me, but is weak in my (now) main research interest.

I'm not enthusiastic about any of my options. I would've been happy going to option #2 until I just recently heard about those problems. I'm seriously considering reapplying

If I reapply, I plan to do research in my (now) main research area, and to work maybe 60 hrs/wk in it. I understand theres risks to reapplying. Come to think about

it, I will need to get at least 2 new LORs since one of my previous research advisors told me he won't write me LORs again. My other research advisor didn't even respond to my email when I notified him about where I got accepted to and how I hinted that I may want to reapply next year. So I'm guessing he might not even want to write another LOR if I reapply. I guess thats because I may have annoyed him by applying to over 15 schools total (I appleid to about 8 more math and engineering schools. I got rejected from all of them).

What are all 3 of the schools you got into and for what program?

[mickeykollins]

What are all 3 of the schools you got into and for what program?

As I mentioned above, physics and astronomy

[chaospaladin]

As I mentioned above, physics and astronomy

But you also said you got into a Math program. Give me the program that corresponds to what schools you got accepted to. You never even gave the names of the schools you got accepted to.

[runonsentence]

If I can't get the LOR from my previous research advisor, then finding 3 new LORs won't be easy and I'd imagine at most 2 of them with be decent. If I can't get into any schools that are more competitive next year than the ones I've currently been accepted to, then reapplying is pointless as much as I don't like my current options

I've talked to a few of the profs that research in my main interest, and they appear to be trying to work something out with the dept to offer me some kind of funding. So there may be hope afterall. But I doubt it. Its basically like trying to admit someone after they've been rejected, not just wait-listed.

Considering that I spent most of that time just looking at websites of schools, skimming through scientific papers, etc, I guess it was like spending an additional semester as an undergrad since I wasn't making any money from working during that time.

Too bad he can get away with that. Screw him

Yes, it will be difficult to do applications again. The application process is always difficult. But this may not even be something to worry about, if you end up finding some options for attending school #2. And if you DO reapply, then it will be something to deal with once the time comes. If you decide that a grad degree is what will make you happy, then the choice to undergo the application process a second time will be worth it. If the stress of reapplying seems like too much or makes you too upset or suicidal, then just don't! Like was said earlier, you need to approach every decision by asking yourself what will make you happiest.

I wish you good luck with getting funding at school #2! Don't look at it like a rejection—it's not, or they wouldn't be looking into things for you and expending extra effort to help you make it work.

Time spent researching programs and reading papers doesn't sound like wasted time to me at all. It's built you a foundation that will only help you if you do pursue graduate studies.

And yes, screw your advisor.

[mickeykollins]

Yes, it will be difficult to do applications again. The application process is always difficult. But this may not even be something to worry about, if you end up finding some options for attending school #2. And if you DO reapply, then it will be something to deal with once the time comes. If you decide that a grad degree is what will make you happy, then the choice to undergo the application process a second time will be worth it. If the stress of reapplying seems like too much or makes you too upset or suicidal, then just don't! Like was said earlier, you need to approach every decision by asking yourself what will make you happiest.

I wish you good luck with getting funding at school #2! Don't look at it like a rejection—it's not, or they wouldn't be looking into things for you and expending extra effort to help you make it work.

Time spent researching programs and reading papers doesn't sound like wasted time to me at all. It's built you a foundation that will only help you if you do pursue graduate studies.

And yes, screw your advisor.

Thanks for your kind help again. Its not thestress of reapplying that bugs me. Its having to wait another year, whileliving at home with my mom and not making any money while researching (unless Imanage to find a tutoring job or something). If this happened last year(shortly after I graduated), it wouldn't be too devastating. But I'm startingto feel more and more like an old loser. But I guess that will make me happierthan going to school #1 or 3

[mickeykollins]

Anyways, I was thinking of being upfront anddirectly telling my 2nd previous research advisor (the one who ignored myprevious email telling him where I got into, not the prof who already told mehe won't write me LOR if i reapply) that I'm very strongly consideringreapplying. Also, I was thinking of asking if he'll write me another LOR if Ireapply. He has sometimes ignored my emails in the past, but for something assignificant as telling him where I got accepted to, he usually responds tothose kinds of emails. So I took it as a very bad sign that he ignored that.Should I ask him by email or phone?

On a side not, come to think about it, I guess Ican't really blame my other advisor who wrote the LORs. He's written them forme about 3 times before. The first time, I turned down the offers I got forsummer research programs because I accepted an internship offer that was closerto home (my father was seriously ill). The 2nd, I again turned down an offerfor a research program to take care of my father who passed away shortlyafterwards. The 3rd, I applied to 1 grad program last year, but turned it down sinceit wasn't funded. So I can see why he'd be irritated that I turned down moreacceptances from his LORs. But OTOH, i don't know if I explained that I turneddown the offers the first 2 times BECAUSE of my father's serious illness. If Idid, I can see why he forgot, as he's busy with other things and I haven't seenhim in person in 3 yrs since hes at another university

[mickeykollins]

Anyways, I was thinking of being upfront anddirectly telling my 2nd previous research advisor (the one who ignored myprevious email telling him where I got into, not the prof who already told mehe won't write me LOR if i reapply) that I'm very strongly consideringreapplying. Also, I was thinking of asking if he'll write me another LOR if Ireapply. He has sometimes ignored my emails in the past, but for something assignificant as telling him where I got accepted to, he usually responds tothose kinds of emails. So I took it as a very bad sign that he ignored that.Should I ask him by email or phone?

On a side not, come to think about it, I guess Ican't really blame my other advisor who wrote the LORs. He's written them forme about 3 times before. The first time, I turned down the offers I got forsummer research programs because I accepted an internship offer that was closerto home (my father was seriously ill). The 2nd, I again turned down an offerfor a research program to take care of my father who passed away shortlyafterwards. The 3rd, I applied to 1 grad program last year, but turned it down sinceit wasn't funded. So I can see why he'd be irritated that I turned down moreacceptances from his LORs. But OTOH, i don't know if I explained that I turneddown the offers the first 2 times BECAUSE of my father's serious illness. If Idid, I can see why he forgot, as he's busy with other things and I haven't seenhim in person in 3 yrs since hes at another university

I sent an email to the 2nd prof to ask if he'd write me a LOR if i reapplied. Hes not responding. I'm getting REALLY nervous about this. Should I just call him?

Edited March 29, 2011 by mickeykollins

[waddle]

But you also said you got into a Math program. Give me the program that corresponds to what schools you got accepted to. You never even gave the names of the schools you got accepted to.

chaos, it seems like you still don't understand why posts like these often end up getting voted down. I think I speak for most GradCafe forumites in saying this: Posters have the right to provide as much or as little information as they are comfortable with. There is no reason that you should try to force anybody to tell you what programs they applied to--this is a (mostly) anonymous forum, and as such, people need not divulge such information that could potentially be used to identify them. In this case (and in other similar recent threads where your posts were voted down), giving you the program name would not help you answer the original poster's question any better. If you were to assist mickey in making his decision, it would have to be in general terms, anyways, since you are not in his field of study. This is what the other people who have posted in this thread have been doing (I don't see any Phys/Astro people here, other than the OP), and I believe this is what the OP is looking for--i.e., general advice. If the OP were to want advice regarding specific Ph.D. programs, he/she would have stated the names of these programs. TL;DR: if you are unable to respond to a post in a way that is useful to the poster, then it's best to not answer.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, and it's definitely nothing personal (hell, I don't even know you). I'm just trying to help you become a more productive member of these forums. In any case, thanks for hearing me out, and please think about net etiquette before posting.

[chaospaladin]

chaos, it seems like you still don't understand why posts like these often end up getting voted down. I think I speak for most GradCafe forumites in saying this: Posters have the right to provide as much or as little information as they are comfortable with. There is no reason that you should try to force anybody to tell you what programs they applied to--this is a (mostly) anonymous forum, and as such, people need not divulge such information that could potentially be used to identify them. In this case (and in other similar recent threads where your posts were voted down), giving you the program name would not help you answer the original poster's question any better. If you were to assist mickey in making his decision, it would have to be in general terms, anyways, since you are not in his field of study. This is what the other people who have posted in this thread have been doing (I don't see any Phys/Astro people here, other than the OP), and I believe this is what the OP is looking for--i.e., general advice. If the OP were to want advice regarding specific Ph.D. programs, he/she would have stated the names of these programs. TL;DR: if you are unable to respond to a post in a way that is useful to the poster, then it's best to not answer.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, and it's definitely nothing personal (hell, I don't even know you). I'm just trying to help you become a more productive member of these forums. In any case, thanks for hearing me out, and please think about net etiquette before posting.

All right. It is just that it is difficult to give targeted information if you don't know the school in question. If they don't want to publicly tell the name of their school, then they can still use PM.

[runonsentence]

Thanks for your kind help again. Its not thestress of reapplying that bugs me. Its having to wait another year, whileliving at home with my mom and not making any money while researching (unless Imanage to find a tutoring job or something). If this happened last year(shortly after I graduated), it wouldn't be too devastating. But I'm startingto feel more and more like an old loser. But I guess that will make me happierthan going to school #1 or 3

You're not an old loser! On one hand, many grad students make hardly any money. And tons of us have (or still!) live with our parents. And on the other, grad school (or any career, for that matter) doesn't have to be what defines you. Find something meaningful to do, outside of your research, if you take another year off. Something like tutoring or mentoring kids at Boys and Girls club, for instance, might really make you feel good for making a difference with your talents.

I understand the frustration of feeling like you're not contributing to household expenses; but it ALSO sounds like you've made a lot of big life decisions in order to help take care of your family, which I'm sure they know and appreciate.

I sent an email to the 2nd prof to ask if he'd write me a LOR if i reapplied. Hes not responding. I'm getting REALLY nervous about this. Should I just call him

Your call on this, I think, especially because the answer may depend on what kind of relationship you've developed with him. But a call sounds like it might be a good idea to me. Something like a phone call might be easier than trying to sit down for 40 minutes crafting out the perfect email when you're feeling unsure about things and have so much background behind the decision to wait another year.

Good luck contacting him!

Edited March 30, 2011 by runonsentence

[Saik]

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and I --

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost