How important is trust?

[WornOutGrad]

I think this question is thrown around a lot when it comes to earning/keeping/losing our adviser's trust, but let me put the shoe on the other foot for a minute. Do you guys think it's important for a student to trust their adviser as well.

Let me elaborate; My adviser is the biggest flip-flopper I have ever experienced. She is someone who will roll her eyes and act annoyed if I go to her for help/guidance or to update her on my progress, but then the next week will prod me if I don't come to her. One day, she was calling all of my work good, and then the next day (YES, the VERY NEXT day), she is yelling at me and calling my work garbage. She is someone who will treat me like an idiot if I ever go to her for help, but then she will snap when I mess up with what I am doing. It's honestly to the point where I have a panic attack any time I have to step into her office. During our orientation, she told us that our expectations of her should be that we see her as helpful, friendly, and approachable, and she is like that maybe once in a blue moon. For the most part, she just makes me feel like an idiot. I know this (and other Grad forums) forum knocks undergrads a lot, but I didn't go through a double major in college to make it here and feel like an idiot all the time with absolutely no direction as to where my research is going.

To sum it up, I don't trust her. I'm at the point where I'm afraid to work with her anymore, and I'm scared.

Maybe I wasn't cut out for this.

[fuzzylogician]

I think this question is thrown around a lot when it comes to earning/keeping/losing our adviser's trust, but let me put the shoe on the other foot for a minute. Do you guys think it's important for a student to trust their adviser as well.

In a word, YES. You and your advisor should both feel comfortable working with each other. What you describe does not sound like a normal mentor-mentee relationship. Have you taken steps to try and fix this? Communication is key; we can sometimes come across very different than how we feel. If you haven't already, you need to talk with your advisor and let her know that you are uncomfortable with the way things have been going. You need to make this about your feelings and what style of advising works for you, not about accusing her for her past behavior. It's important to be clear about the changes you want made and exactly what is not working. If you've done all this and have given her chances to fit her advising style to your working stye, you may be at a point where you need to start considering changing advisors. But don't continue on in the present situation, it sounds very unhealthy.

[far_to_go]

I second fuzzylogician; the trust should be mutual. I'm sorry to hear that your current relationship with your advisor is so shitty.

One possible avenue of redress: have you tried talking with other students who work with her currently/have worked with her in the past? Although it sounds like the problem is definitely more her fault than yours, perhaps there is some sort of "hot button" for her that you're unintentionally pressing. Other people who've worked with her may be able to provide some perspective on this, or at least help you figure out how to talk with her to address the situation.

Best of luck.

[WornOutGrad]

I second fuzzylogician; the trust should be mutual. I'm sorry to hear that your current relationship with your advisor is so shitty.

One possible avenue of redress: have you tried talking with other students who work with her currently/have worked with her in the past? Although it sounds like the problem is definitely more her fault than yours, perhaps there is some sort of "hot button" for her that you're unintentionally pressing. Other people who've worked with her may be able to provide some perspective on this, or at least help you figure out how to talk with her to address the situation.

Best of luck.

Alright, I thought about mentioning this in my earlier post, but I didn't want to sound like I was bashing her...

She has never had a student complete their MS with her. Her last student left the school because of her, and two students quit her cohort this semester alone. It's just me and one other guy now. We've both had other professors in the department check up on us because I guess the department is aware of the issues (one prof offered us both a lot of encouragement, which was great, and even the department chair has talked with us to see if everything was alright). But a combination of the fact that she has funding and the fact that I'd like to finish what I started with her keeps me holding out that things will get better.

[mandarin.orange]

Do you guys think it's important for a student to trust their adviser as well.

Yes.

I will add that the book "Getting What You Came For" discusses the advisor-student relationship, and expectations on both sides, quite well...suggested reading.

Why make yourself miserable out of stubbornness to finish what you started? Determination is good, but sometimes we have to recognize when to cut our losses and move on, or in this case, switch.

Edited April 5, 2011 by HikingKate

[hardcrashxyz]

My first round of grad school was similar. I had an advisor that was hot and cold. One day praising and the next denigrating. The atmosphere was abusive. After years of this, 3 graduate students left (including me) on the same day. I switched to another advisor, who was great, but outside my field of interest. Because of different research, I basically was starting over research wise. I ended up leaving grad school without a degree. My advice would be find a new advisor, but keep it well within your research interests, and continue on. Don't stay in a toxic environment, but do make sure you make a better choice to switching than I did. After a 12+ year absence, I am returning to pursue a doctorate and very excited about it. I had almost given up hope of ever going back, but if I didn't I think I would have always regretted it.

Best of luck.

[MoJingly]

Alright, I thought about mentioning this in my earlier post, but I didn't want to sound like I was bashing her...

She has never had a student complete their MS with her. Her last student left the school because of her, and two students quit her cohort this semester alone. It's just me and one other guy now. We've both had other professors in the department check up on us because I guess the department is aware of the issues (one prof offered us both a lot of encouragement, which was great, and even the department chair has talked with us to see if everything was alright). But a combination of the fact that she has funding and the fact that I'd like to finish what I started with her keeps me holding out that things will get better.

Whoa. I assume you didn't know she was like this when you started the program?