Having a problem with my adviser, and could use some advice

[LizzieB]

Hey all,

I'm having a problem with my adviser and I'm really tripping about it. I really like her, we usually get along great. We had a meeting on Wednesday, and I talked to her about the progress I've made on my methodology and other projects. She said the paper I'm working on will be publishable, and everything was fine.

On Thursday I gave a practice proposal defense in her class. Admittedly, it wasn't my best performance. I dropped my flash drive somewhere so I had to run to my car right before class and grab my computer, so I was 3 minutes late for class. I didn't explain this to her. By the time I got up to give my presentation, I was so flustered that I forgot everything I had practiced and didn't do the best job of explaining everything. She didn't say anything to me after class.

On my way home Thursday, my car started making weird noises. My fiance looked at it and said the brakes were grinding into the rotors and I couldn't drive it until I got it fixed. I live out of town, so I have to have a car to get to class. Friday morning I tried everything - I tried renting a car, but nobody had one on short notice. None of my friends were able to loan me their car for the day. I finally wrote her an email telling her I couldn't make it. I attended my one class by skype, which was fine with the professor.

Then I get an email back from my adviser sounding really angry, saying "we need to talk" and that I'm not meeting my coursework responsibilities! It really tripped me out. She also called Enterprise and said they had cars available. I felt like she was basically calling me a liar. I was in tears and wrote her back an email apologizing and trying to explain myself - probably not the best move. I haven't heard anything back from her.

I feel like I'm going to spend the whole break tripping out about this. I had terrible nightmares last night and it has been on my mind all day. I didn't know she thought I was behind on my coursework. I admit that I work slower than other students, and I'm a perfectionist so I don't like giving her anything if I feel like it can be better. But I know I am on-track to finish everything by the end of semester.

Oh, I also found out that she freaked out on another student that day. I don't know whether to chalk this up to a bad mood, or to truly be worried.

Any advice? How can I handle this? I feel really trapped.

[Sigaba]

LizzieB--

IMO, the first thing you need to do is to stop freaking out. As a fellow perfectionist, I understand fully the impulse to freak out, and to freak out some more. But as a person who has been through a number of misadventures (through no fault of own, of course ), I know that freaking out does not help.

Before turning to specific recommendations, I offer the following general comments. I recommend that you use this experience to fine tune your game plan for giving important presentations. IMO, one should always anticipate that equipment is not going to arrive and/or malfunction. Therefore, multiple back up plans should be in place to handle such contingencies.

As far as transportation goes, cars break down and rentals can be hard to find at the last moment, but what about public transportation options or taking a taxi cab? Or dragooning a friend into giving you a ride? What about a time table for travel to venues that allows for the catastrophic?

Even when one has plans B, C, D, and E, the poop can still hit the fan. You might benefit from a better understanding of how you can mitigate such circumstances. For example, as a perfectionist, you may dread saying anything that sounds like you're making an excuse. However, if you know your audience, you might understand that they're going to cut you some slack.

Now, on to specifics. In retrospect, can you point to any events prior to this week that challenge your view that you "usually get along great" with this professor? I ask because the professor's call to Enterprise sounds like an action one would take if there weren't a lot of trust and that your relationship with her is much shakier than you realize. This exercise may lead to an insight that will help you address the professor's concerns, if not to understand those issues. (Bluntly, the fact that she made this call really makes me wonder What's the rest of the story?)

To your knowledge, is the professor under pressure of her own (is she burdened with a lot of coursework, is she preparing a manuscript for publication, is she up for tenure review)? If such is the case, you may be in a situation where you can either try to help her or, better yet, understand that her umbrage is about her situation, to embrace the suck, and to talk things out with her later.

Also consider the utility of going to her office hours, hat in hand, and saying something along the lines of "I fucked up." If the professor wants to chew you out, accept the chewing without hesitation, comment, or excuse. If, after the chewing ends, there's an opportunity for a "teachable moment," take it. If she chews you up and throws you out of her office, then you've got some more game planning to do.

If she doesn't chew you out and wants to talk, do your best to avoid saying things that sound like you're making excuses. Instead, take ownership of what happened, demonstrate that you know how you'd deal with similar events in the future, and turn the conversation to affirming that you've been on track and that you'll stay on track.

No matter what turn the conversation takes, I emphasize the importance of not making excuses or arguing with her. The only exception would be if she says something outrageously beyond the pale.

HTH.

[kaykaykay]

First you could try to talk to her in person. That often helps, everybody can have a bad day. Then you can try the grad advisor in your department or the ombuts person of the university. I had a friend who had to go till that stage, and eventually she found a new advisor. She graduated with flying grades in spite of the first advisor. Do not get too overwhelmed, think clearly and strategically. I hope you will be fine !

(perfectionism can appearently be cured as a psychologist told me once. I have not tried to go to therapy but sometimes when I am seriously behind schedule I am thinking about it)

Edited November 20, 2011 by kalapocska

[StrangeLight]

listen,

you said things were great with her until you really dropped the ball this week, so perhaps this conversation she wants to have is really just about what happened in this past week. try not to freak out until you actually hear what she has to say.

i agree with sigaba, however. if your advisor phoned enterprise to see if they have rentals, then my sense is that your relationship with her prior to this week wasn't actually as smooth as you imagine it to be.

i have a very intense advisor myself and i feel like i've been in your situation before. i was doing great with my advisor until i produced a terrible first draft of my MA thesis. once i fixed the problems for the second draft, she decided that the outline for the thesis she had enthusiastically approved months prior no longer worked, so she asked for a full re-write, which i produced to her satisfaction. so between an awful first draft and then a simple reorganization of the second draft, my advisor wasn't sure if she wanted to keep me on as a student anymore. she took responsibility for my poor work by saying she didn't realize she needed to police me this much or to hold my hand through the process. even when the other committee members of my defense thought my work was great, she still congratulated me with back-handed compliments. when i won a highly competitive national fellowship for my dissertation project, she said it was "a great way to end what has been a very difficult year for you." all because of one bad draft and one reorganization of the outline.

it took literally 4 more months of producing flawless work, catching some of her own mistakes before she sent emails out to her colleagues, and covering her classes when she needed to take mat leave in order for her to regain her confidence in me. i now have it. i don't worry about my standing with her anymore. but this took work.

for some particularly intense and perfectionistic profs (even more perfectionistic than any of us), you can get on their shit list very easily. you have two options: take your lumps silently when you fuck up (even if it's a minor fuck up) and work your ass off for far too long to make up for it OR change advisors to someone a little more laid back. i stayed with my advisor because even though her margin for error is unforgivingly small, she was still right about everything that was wrong with my work and she helped me fix it. would other advisors in our department have been happy with my terrible first draft? absolutely. i know that for a fact. but that doesn't mean it wasn't terrible or that i shouldn't have rewritten it.

i guess... listen to what your advisor has to say. if it is as harsh as you fear it will be, you can double-down on your effort, cut back on your sleep, and bust your ass to please her, or you can talk to the DGS about potentially moving on. i'd suggest attempting the ass-busting before the moving-on, at least for a little while.

Edited November 20, 2011 by StrangeLight

[LizzieB]

Hey all,

Thank you for the sincere advise. As far as "the rest of the story" that some of you mentioned - I guess my first year I really overloaded myself, so I was having trouble getting things completed. I definitely acknowledged that. We had a frank discussion about it, she told me to work harder on keeping up, and that was that. Ever since then I have really tried to improve my habits and my situation. I got everything off of my plate that I possibly could. I have worked really hard to keep to a schedule. I have never been a morning person, but I even trained myself to wake up at 6am every morning and now I couldn't sleep in if I tried. I was feeling really good about myself, and I thought she had noticed the improvements. Like I said, I am definitely on-track to finish everything on time this semester, which is why it really threw me for a loop when she said I was behind on my coursework responsibilities.

As far as calling Enterprise - I truly feel that I have not set a precedence with her for lying or "playing hooky." If I have set that somehow, I think that is something we definitely need to talk about. I was pretty shocked to be honest. You know, there was a lot more to the story - for example, my fiance's truck is my backup plan, but it too had broken down 2 days before my car. Some of the rental places were going to have cars but not early enough for me to be on time for class. But I always thought that in a professional situation, you spare your "boss" the details. I didn't want to start going into a million little things, so I said no one had a car available. Maybe it wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't really a lie.

I don't know. It's still bugging me, and I've had nightmares every night. I'm trying not to think about it, but I'm scared to death that I'm going to come on Monday and she's going to tell me I'm kicked out of the program or something. Logically, I know I haven't done anything bad enough to be kicked out, but I'm still freaking out. She still hasn't written me back - I know she's on holiday with her family....I just don't know what to do at this point. I admit I screwed up, but I didn't think it was bad enough to warrant this kind of treatment.

[Sigaba]

Hey all,

Thank you for the sincere advise. As far as "the rest of the story" that some of you mentioned - I guess my first year I really overloaded myself, so I was having trouble getting things completed. I definitely acknowledged that. We had a frank discussion about it, she told me to work harder on keeping up, and that was that. Ever since then I have really tried to improve my habits and my situation. I got everything off of my plate that I possibly could. I have worked really hard to keep to a schedule. I have never been a morning person, but I even trained myself to wake up at 6am every morning and now I couldn't sleep in if I tried. I was feeling really good about myself, and I thought she had noticed the improvements. Like I said, I am definitely on-track to finish everything on time this semester, which is why it really threw me for a loop when she said I was behind on my coursework responsibilities.

As far as calling Enterprise - I truly feel that I have not set a precedence with her for lying or "playing hooky." If I have set that somehow, I think that is something we definitely need to talk about. I was pretty shocked to be honest. You know, there was a lot more to the story - for example, my fiance's truck is my backup plan, but it too had broken down 2 days before my car. Some of the rental places were going to have cars but not early enough for me to be on time for class. But I always thought that in a professional situation, you spare your "boss" the details. I didn't want to start going into a million little things, so I said no one had a car available. Maybe it wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't really a lie.

I don't know. It's still bugging me, and I've had nightmares every night. I'm trying not to think about it, but I'm scared to death that I'm going to come on Monday and she's going to tell me I'm kicked out of the program or something. Logically, I know I haven't done anything bad enough to be kicked out, but I'm still freaking out. She still hasn't written me back - I know she's on holiday with her family....I just don't know what to do at this point. I admit I screwed up, but I didn't think it was bad enough to warrant this kind of treatment.

LizzieB--

Before throwing my two cents, I extend to you my thanks and my respect for your candid reply.

Here's what I think is going on. I think you and your POI have significantly different interpretations of the conversation about your first year. That is, you left her office and turned the page while she is viewing the present through the lens of your first year. Consequently, when you had your hiccup earlier this month, it activated many of the concerns she developed during the previous year.

Moreover, the fact that she called Enterprise indicates to me that either the disconnect between the interpretations is profound and/or she has issues with trust and accountability that go beyond her relationship with you.

If you do decide to have a face-to-face conversation with her, I think you should first do some soul searching. Center your self-exploration around questions like: "Am I reading her right?", "How do I really know that I'm on track?", "What is the evidence that we 'get along great'?" And so on.

When you develop questions to ask yourself, push yourself to the limit of what you can endure intellectually and emotionally while maintaining a sense of perspective. That is, as subjectively unpleasant as the questions and answers may be, this situation it is not a matter of life or death.

IME, these types of introspective questions can produce brutal answers. These answers can very different than our initial interpretations. Professors can be very subtle in how they articulate their approval and disapproval of graduate students. Likewise, they can offer guidance that takes months, even years, to sink in. For a variety of reasons, very few professors are going to take you into their office, offer you a seat, and proceed to bounce you off the walls to send a clear message, especially if you're screwing up.

From your previous posts in this thread, I understand that you're a very sensitive person. I acknowledge that this situation is causing you a profound amount of anxiety. I urge you to recognize those feelings and then to put them aside. Keep in mind that many, if not most, graduate students crash and burn. (Some, more than once.) The key is to learn from these experiences and to go on from there.

Consequently, I ask you to view this situation as a set of intellectual challenges, not as an indictment of who you are as a graduate student or a person. How you respond to these challenges will speak to your skills as a student and your character. (Hint: a sense of humor can balm many a salted wound.)

HTH.

[juilletmercredi]

For me personally, my advisor calling Enterprise and then calling me a liar for saying there were no cars available would be the nail in the coffin for our relationship unless I was far enough in my dissertation that that would significantly set me back. That indicates a fundamental lack of trust that goes beyond my work. I'm an adult, I don't need someone calling in to check behind me and I opted INTO this graduate work. Why would I lie and make up excuses? If I really didn't want to go to class, I simply would not.

But that's just because my personality is very laid back and so NOT a perfectionist. Whether or not you want to do the work to get up to her standards is up to you to decide. I just couldn't imagine any of my advisors or the professors I am close to actually doing that.

[biomedicalman]

So I assume that the problem the OP was having has at least been confronted by now, but if it hasn't, I can't reiterate the importance of having a very frank discussion with your mentor/advisor about how you're doing, what your progress looks like, etc. I tried for over a year to hint to my mentor that things weren't as good as he thought (yes, big mistake), and that I needed more direction at times, and it definitely did not achieve the results I had anticipated. Asking yourself clear questions about your graduate experience is very useful -- I didn't do that until I had been embarrassed in a presentation session on 3 separate occasions. Whatever it takes, don't be subtle. Graduate advisors can be very bad at honesty because they aren't as invested in this as you are. They will say it's on you to move things forward, etc. I think it's more of a one-sided relationship, which reminds me of those bad high school relationships where things were going wrong and one of the people involved had no idea until the gf/bf said they were really upset. It could also be a variant of those marriages where they've been together for 30 years and similar obliviousness is going on. Whatever the case, confront it NOW, and be very clear about what needs to be said, and things may get better. Don't confront it and you risk switching mentors late in your graduate career, at best; at worst, you risk leaving your graduate program, although I can't say that this would be a bad thing for everyone. Sometimes academia is just not the right place to be.

[Iris Johnson]

Hey all,

I'm having a problem with my adviser and I'm really tripping about it. I really like her, we usually get along great. We had a meeting on Wednesday, and I talked to her about the progress I've made on my methodology and other projects. She said the paper I'm working on will be publishable, and everything was fine.

On Thursday I gave a practice proposal defense in her class. Admittedly, it wasn't my best performance. I dropped my flash drive somewhere so I had to run to my car right before class and grab my computer, so I was 3 minutes late for class. I didn't explain this to her. By the time I got up to give my presentation, I was so flustered that I forgot everything I had practiced and didn't do the best job of explaining everything. She didn't say anything to me after class.

On my way home Thursday, my car started making weird noises. My fiance looked at it and said the brakes were grinding into the rotors and I couldn't drive it until I got it fixed. I live out of town, so I have to have a car to get to class. Friday morning I tried everything - I tried renting a car, but nobody had one on short notice. None of my friends were able to loan me their car for the day. I finally wrote her an email telling her I couldn't make it. I attended my one class by skype, which was fine with the professor.

Then I get an email back from my adviser sounding really angry, saying "we need to talk" and that I'm not meeting my coursework responsibilities! It really tripped me out. She also called Enterprise and said they had cars available. I felt like she was basically calling me a liar. I was in tears and wrote her back an email apologizing and trying to explain myself - probably not the best move. I haven't heard anything back from her.

I feel like I'm going to spend the whole break tripping out about this. I had terrible nightmares last night and it has been on my mind all day. I didn't know she thought I was behind on my coursework. I admit that I work slower than other students, and I'm a perfectionist so I don't like giving her anything if I feel like it can be better. But I know I am on-track to finish everything by the end of semester.

Oh, I also found out that she freaked out on another student that day. I don't know whether to chalk this up to a bad mood, or to truly be worried.

Any advice? How can I handle this? I feel really trapped.

Don't think too much. Don't interpret things. Things has a way of working out. Be positive. Your advisor might not be really "angry" as you thought she is.