How to get along with my American roommate

[Gentlelife]

Hello all,

I'm in great depression these days, but it's nice for me to find out this forum where I can ask for help.

I'm of ancient descent, and my hometown's Shanghai. I'm now studying physics in West Lafayette. The first few weeks in an exotic country were tough and the university residence was full, which means that there was no space for me to live on campus. So I found a house relatively adjacent to my department building. One of my roommates is a kind guy that she offered to pick me up at O'hare. She helped me so much with my life in the US for the first couple of weeks like taking me on a bike ride, taking me to the bank to open up an account, etc. She once invited me to attend one of her friends party at weekend, but when the day came, she never mentioned that again. Gradually, I have the feeling that she no longer would like to hang out with me, or feared to go out with me because her friends may reject her because of me. So the days passed peacefully till last week she wanted to take me with her boyfriend to attend her family meal on Thanksgiving day. Initially I accepted her invitation because I mistakenly thought that her mom and dad may be happy that I joined them. But it turned out that both of her parents didn't know my coming to her family reunion until she called her mum on our way to the hotel. I showed up abruptly that night and I felt bad about it. Her family seldom talked to me, so I was just sitting there like an idiot while others were having fun together. On our way back to the house, she and his boyfriend wanted to drop by for shopping, and of course I had no mood. I followed them into the shop and left them alone since I think it was a good chance for them to have private time. However, this led to more troubles to them. They spent a long time looking for me in the shop! Yesterday, she decided to prepare a good family meal for everyone that shares the house with them, and I was so painful with that experience that I didn't show up. She and her boyfriend didn't say a word ...

Despite that fact, I'm still grateful to them for they've been helping me so much since my arrival. Her boyfriend once taught me how to shoot with rifle on the farm, and that was of great fun. Though they said that they helped me because I was their friend, I don't think it is true. We almost did not hang out together.

She is going to graduate in this December and she will move out to another state for a job with her boyfriend. I was wondering if I should give her and her boyfriend a gift. I'm now preparing the gift but don't know what I can get for them. Can anyone provide me with some constructive proposals?

Now the first semester will almost finish, and I still feel mentally lonely. I get along well with International students, but don't know how to handle native American students. They seem to be pretty unapproachable. I'm not a socialible person, and not "hot" at all. But at least I want to get along well with Americans because I have entire four years to stay with them. What should I do?

Edited December 3, 2011 by Gentlelife

[kaykaykay]

American students are nice but sometimes they are unapproachable. I never know when we are really friends. Maybe this is because of all the moving around in this country- people had to make friends fast but they were prepared to leave them fast. well, I do not know....

But I try to always act the best way I can. For instance, we were never good friends with my previous roommate but she was nice enough to tolerate me. I left her some gift when I moved out. I have a few American friends but almost exclusively in my program with whom I share experiences and I can talk about my frustrations when I need to( and they cannot just small talk and move on).

[ShiWei]

Ah, culture shock and clash, but in reverse this time (well from my perspective anyways). Have you tried talking to your roommate and explaining your situation, perspectives, and feelings? What you read as one thing may be understood by her as another. For example, what you viewed as "a good chance for them to have private time," they perceived as you being lost due to unfamiliarity with life in America; both of these are exceptionally reasonable given the different contexts. Bottling up those different readings, or misreadings, will only adversely color your interpretation of other things. Ultimately, the best way to adapt to living in the US with Americans is to not worry so much. The misunderstandings, miscommunication, and misinterpretations are expected. Many people, not just Americans, will overlook many social or cultural blunders if you demonstrate humbleness and a willingness learn from your mistakes.

-Shi Wei (美國華裔/越裔)

PS: 你也不用有這麼嚴格的態度。 大部分的留學生都碰到這種的文化差別的問題。 只要你放鬆，什麼都慢慢地懂。 加油！

[Gentlelife]

American students are nice but sometimes they are unapproachable. I never know when we are really friends. Maybe this is because of all the moving around in this country- people had to make friends fast but they were prepared to leave them fast. well, I do not know....

But I try to always act the best way I can. For instance, we were never good friends with my previous roommate but she was nice enough to tolerate me. I left her some gift when I moved out. I have a few American friends but almost exclusively in my program with whom I share experiences and I can talk about my frustrations when I need to( and they cannot just small talk and move on).

You're absolutely right. When I was in highschool in Shanghai, I had some friends. They often dropped in on me at weekend. We had fun time together; however, it was sad that I lost the pictures of all of them overnight on the day we graduated... Lifelong relationship is hard to build anywhere since life is never just being, but a becoming, a flowing on...But at least I want to have merry time of every short episode of my life. That's exactly what I'm looking for even in the US.

[Gentlelife]

Ah, culture shock and clash, but in reverse this time (well from my perspective anyways). Have you tried talking to your roommate and explaining your situation, perspectives, and feelings? What you read as one thing may be understood by her as another. For example, what you viewed as "a good chance for them to have private time," they perceived as you being lost due to unfamiliarity with life in America; both of these are exceptionally reasonable given the different contexts. Bottling up those different readings, or misreadings, will only adversely color your interpretation of other things. Ultimately, the best way to adapt to living in the US with Americans is to not worry so much. The misunderstandings, miscommunication, and misinterpretations are expected. Many people, not just Americans, will overlook many social or cultural blunders if you demonstrate humbleness and a willingness learn from your mistakes.

-Shi Wei (美國華裔/越裔)

PS: 你也不用有這麼嚴格的態度。 大部分的留學生都碰到這種的文化差別的問題。 只要你放鬆，什麼都慢慢地懂。 加油！

Thanks for your advice:) Maybe you're right, I really shouldn't take everything that happens seriously and personally. Little by little, by observation and soul-searching, I'm trying to learn from me experience, I have to hold my head higher than my heart now and then...

其实说真的，自从我到美国后英语水平不知不觉下降了很多。可能是我过于胆怯而不敢和当地人交流吧。只能走一步是一步了，谢谢你的建议！

[gellert]

其实说真的，自从我到美国后英语水平不知不觉下降了很多。可能是我过于胆怯而不敢和当地人交流吧。只能走一步是一步了，谢谢你的建议！

如果你跟美国人至少尝试交流的话，大部分时间他们那么高兴你尝试跟他们聊天儿，他们会原谅你的小失误。

在美国，常很难知道何谓友谊，不就是跟外国人，但跟其他美国人以及。虽然我自己是美国人，我也跟别的美国人有一样的问题。我觉得你已经知道美国人的友谊和中国人的不是一样的。这可以造成相当大的混乱！加油。

（请原谅我的可怜的中文，不是我母语。）

Edited December 3, 2011 by gellert

[mandarin.orange]

I will add: I think that small-town Indiana can be especially isolating. I did my undergrad at a SLAC in Indiana, and, despite being American (albeit raised in California), I might have gone to the other side of the world, the culture shock was so extreme.

Through study abroad, my MS, and now PhD, I have attended large, metro universities and been FAR more comfortable in these settings.

Do you play sports? Willing to learn? Joining an intramural team or martial arts would be a great way to meet people, and cultivate interests outside of research. Americans love athleticism and often it is a great “leveling field,” and way to build easy camaraderie. If team sports is not your thing, try a hiking group…I think Perdue has one; I ran into a crowd of them at Turkey Run SP this summer. Outdoor trips are a great way to build bonds and see a little of the beautiful areas of the state.

Keep forcing social interaction, however awkward it may be, to improve your English and learn the nuances of American humor. It may feel forced or frustrating, but practice helps.

Get out to Bloomington, Chicago, and the west coast as often as possible to remind yourself there is a world outside of West Lafayette.

[Gentlelife]

如果你跟美国人至少尝试交流的话，大部分时间他们那么高兴你尝试跟他们聊天儿，他们会原谅你的小失误。

在美国，常很难知道何谓友谊，不就是跟外国人，但跟其他美国人以及。虽然我自己是美国人，我也跟别的美国人有一样的问题。我觉得你已经知道美国人的友谊和中国人的不是一样的。这可以造成相当大的混乱！加油。

（请原谅我的可怜的中文，不是我母语。）

感谢你的回复。我的TA和教授确凿如此，即便我的英语表述再模棱两可，再错误百出，他们都不厌其烦地为我耐心答疑，不会一味敷衍。而普通的同学和餐厅或服装店里的人就不同了，可能是他们的生活节奏很快，所以通常会感到不耐烦，比如说我去一家墨西哥餐馆用餐，对美式的墨西哥菜是一窍不通的，店员也不会为我多做介绍，即使说了，我也听不懂，也不晓得那菜是什么样子，所以每去一家新餐厅总会踌躇犹豫，导致旁人对我侧目而视。至于友谊，我觉得那得随缘，在上海认识的很多“朋友”终究是有缘无份，最后分道扬镳，从此杳无音讯。美国则是因为有着文化差异和语言障碍，或是各种“歧视”，使人无法融入当地的环境吧。

Just one advice for your Chinese: Kindly avoid speaking a foreign language in English way. I have the feeling that you may come up with the whole Chinese reply by replacing English words with Chinese characters. In other words, think in a Chinese logic when you're writing Chinese instead of doing the translation work! I know this may need you to take an ardudous effort because I have the same problems of reacting well in French after I learn too many English and communicate with others in Chinese. But if you work hard to get used to it, you'll find it is really cool to have differnet modes of thinking! Good luck! 加油！Bon courage!

Edited December 4, 2011 by Gentlelife

[Gentlelife]

I will add: I think that small-town Indiana can be especially isolating. I did my undergrad at a SLAC in Indiana, and, despite being American (albeit raised in California), I might have gone to the other side of the world, the culture shock was so extreme.

Through study abroad, my MS, and now PhD, I have attended large, metro universities and been FAR more comfortable in these settings.

Do you play sports? Willing to learn? Joining an intramural team or martial arts would be a great way to meet people, and cultivate interests outside of research. Americans love athleticism and often it is a great “leveling field,” and way to build easy camaraderie. If team sports is not your thing, try a hiking group…I think Perdue has one; I ran into a crowd of them at Turkey Run SP this summer. Outdoor trips are a great way to build bonds and see a little of the beautiful areas of the state.

Keep forcing social interaction, however awkward it may be, to improve your English and learn the nuances of American humor. It may feel forced or frustrating, but practice helps.

Get out to Bloomington, Chicago, and the west coast as often as possible to remind yourself there is a world outside of West Lafayette.

Well I play the guitar and some keyboards and the pipa ( a kind of Chinese instrument). I've learnt the music since I was four. Never have I had a chance to join an intramural band or I think there are hurdles that prevent me from doing so on account of distinctions between Asian music and American one... I'm a freshman this year so I don't know Purdue very well. Hiking sounds great. I want to give it a shot for the upcoming spring semester. West Lafayette's a small town and it's boring but it's tranquille and safe. That's one reason why I like Purdue. I may try to get out of here when I apply my graduate school. Hopefully I will adapt better to Metro university with different backgrounds.

Edited December 4, 2011 by Gentlelife

[jendoly]

As an American, I can tell you that we are equally as terrified of making our own cultural mistakes! My host when I visited the grad school I am at now is a Chinese student who has only been in the US for about 4 years now (3 years then), and I stayed with her for a couple of days while visiting. She was amazing - took me on a drive around the city, took me to dinner, introduced me to several of her friends, and gave me a tour of the campus! I wanted to give her a gift to thank her for her generosity, but I wasn't sure what was appropriate - I brought her some snacks from my hometown in the end, and tried my hardest to figure out how to be the most respectful guest in her home that I could, and I had such a good time that I decided to come here for grad school. I haven't talked to her much since coming here, but I feel lucky to have had the chance to learn more about her culture and it has helped a lot in living with international students in my building. I don't have any roommates, and I guess maybe I seem unapproachable to most people, not just international students, but it doesn't mean I don't welcome conversation and friendship. I guess friendship can happen when both people are willing to risk their pride to make mistakes around each other and both people are forgiving enough of each other's mistakes. I think Americans are usually pretty forgiving of people not understanding our culture (especially since we have so many different cultures within just our own country that we have to be able to be understanding...), and if they're not, then they're not worth your friendship

In terms of appropriate gifts, food is always a good gift, especially if you have spent enough time around the people to know what they like or don't like. I often cook a nice meal for people who have done something kind for me, or bake them something. Also appreciated are things from your culture - they will remind them of you after you have parted ways, which is always a good thing. I use a silk mousepad in my office that was given to me as a gift by a group of Chinese university students for giving them a tour of my lab, and it is something I can use and appreciate every day =)

Good luck!!

[Babababa]

I'm not sure what the hesitation to get a gift is...

I think I understand from the American point of view. My group is predominantly Chinese international student. I am Canadian of east Asian descent and I do understand Chinese, for the most part...

At first, I tried to organize events and outings for the international students, trying to help them feel at home. After a while, I realized that there is so much negativity around the students, constant complaining on how convenient China is, how things don't work as they know it, how much they miss their home, and yet they all come here with the goal to obtain a citizenship. Can you imagine how insulting and irritating it is to insult another person's home in their home? On top of that, just the general negativity of conversations makes me uneasy. I do feel embarrassed to take them to restaurants and places because of the cultural differences and language barriers.

My experience is that international students of same nationality/language will always clump together with little to no motivation, perhaps due to external resistances, to move out of their circles.

At the end, while I feel that it was nice for me to help them but it is not my responsibility to help them integrate.

Anyways, just sharing some of my thoughts and experiences and also to rant.

Edited December 18, 2011 by Babababa

[neuropsych76]

I agree with the above. I think it helps to find some common interest with Americans as well. I had a chinese roommate and we actually became pretty good friends and bonded over talking about cars and playing basketball I can imagine it would be very tough to move to another country and not know anyone but I think people are generally friendly once you get past the first step. good luck!

[Gentlelife]

As an American, I can tell you that we are equally as terrified of making our own cultural mistakes! My host when I visited the grad school I am at now is a Chinese student who has only been in the US for about 4 years now (3 years then), and I stayed with her for a couple of days while visiting. She was amazing - took me on a drive around the city, took me to dinner, introduced me to several of her friends, and gave me a tour of the campus! I wanted to give her a gift to thank her for her generosity, but I wasn't sure what was appropriate - I brought her some snacks from my hometown in the end, and tried my hardest to figure out how to be the most respectful guest in her home that I could, and I had such a good time that I decided to come here for grad school. I haven't talked to her much since coming here, but I feel lucky to have had the chance to learn more about her culture and it has helped a lot in living with international students in my building. I don't have any roommates, and I guess maybe I seem unapproachable to most people, not just international students, but it doesn't mean I don't welcome conversation and friendship. I guess friendship can happen when both people are willing to risk their pride to make mistakes around each other and both people are forgiving enough of each other's mistakes. I think Americans are usually pretty forgiving of people not understanding our culture (especially since we have so many different cultures within just our own country that we have to be able to be understanding...), and if they're not, then they're not worth your friendship

In terms of appropriate gifts, food is always a good gift, especially if you have spent enough time around the people to know what they like or don't like. I often cook a nice meal for people who have done something kind for me, or bake them something. Also appreciated are things from your culture - they will remind them of you after you have parted ways, which is always a good thing. I use a silk mousepad in my office that was given to me as a gift by a group of Chinese university students for giving them a tour of my lab, and it is something I can use and appreciate every day =)

Good luck!!

To get along well with others entails to give-and-take. Though I've made an array of mistakes after I moved in, I DO NOT see my faults in terms of this case. I appreciate my housemate for asking me to join her with her family meal but she could have let her parents know I was coming to join them. Had she put herself in my position, what would she feel if she showed up unexpectely and abruptly during an acquaintance's family meal? How would it make her feel when she knew her housemate's parents called off few games due to her presence? Is it American's TRADITION for an american to take a stranger home for the Thanksgiving meal without permission from his parents? And then send someone to bed after the meal so that they could go on their bonding together? It makes me feel I was so cheap! I thank for her assistance after my arrival, but I'm not tolerant of and would never understand what she had done. This has nothing to do with culture shock....

She will move out with her boyfriend at the end of this month, and I planned to give her a silk scarf. I don't know who screwed ... whatever it is, but my life will move on.

Edited December 24, 2011 by Gentlelife

[Gentlelife]

I'm not sure what the hesitation to get a gift is...

I think I understand from the American point of view. My group is predominantly Chinese international student. I am Canadian of east Asian descent and I do understand Chinese, for the most part...

At first, I tried to organize events and outings for the international students, trying to help them feel at home. After a while, I realized that there is so much negativity around the students, constant complaining on how convenient China is, how things don't work as they know it, how much they miss their home, and yet they all come here with the goal to obtain a citizenship. Can you imagine how insulting and irritating it is to insult another person's home in their home? On top of that, just the general negativity of conversations makes me uneasy. I do feel embarrassed to take them to restaurants and places because of the cultural differences and language barriers.

My experience is that international students of same nationality/language will always clump together with little to no motivation, perhaps due to external resistances, to move out of their circles.

At the end, while I feel that it was nice for me to help them but it is not my responsibility to help them integrate.

Anyways, just sharing some of my thoughts and experiences and also to rant.

I believe not all Chinese students are so rude! Believe it or not, those guys who complain about inconvenience in your country have never stopped complainning back home... I usually ignore these guys...

Speaking of International students who share the same languages tend to clump together, I suppose we are just feel lonely because we are rejected by other race and treated like an alien in the restaurants (not school dining court). Rarely does anyone enjoy solitude so the best way to make ourselves feel like belonging to a group is to stay with someone who looks similiar to ourselves, definitely with little or no motivation at all, because probably the people we hang out with in a foreign country are those we don't really care back home.

Loneliness may make one get distracted and lose his goal. I want to get into a good graduate school so what I'm doing now is to focus on my study. I now double major in both physics and atmospheric science and I want to graduate on time. So I concentrate on my own work, push mself hard, so I have no time to be in a loss. I believe my efforts will be rewarded in four years.

Edited December 24, 2011 by Gentlelife

[Gentlelife]

I agree with the above. I think it helps to find some common interest with Americans as well. I had a chinese roommate and we actually became pretty good friends and bonded over talking about cars and playing basketball I can imagine it would be very tough to move to another country and not know anyone but I think people are generally friendly once you get past the first step. good luck!

Cars, basketball, maybe soccer and baseball plus video games. It seems that you share the same hobbies with my housemate's boyfriend. I know these stuffs are most american guys like to do and I bet you nine out of ten rich guys from China also enjoy these stuffs. Well I have the interests very different from the majority's. Literature, music, philosophy... something you don't care. For now all I want to do is to focus on school. I want to get out of here as soon as I can.

Edited December 24, 2011 by Gentlelife

[Amogh]

Gentlelife, while I totally sympathize with how you feel about the family gathering, I think you should get rid of the negativity you seem to have built around yourself. I think your roommate was just trying to introduce you to american traditions but screwed up the implementation. You seem to be going into a shell. Seriously, don't do that. You will hate the 4 years you spend in university and as anyone will tell you, these are the best years of your life. Look for a roommate after this roommate leaves and be ready to start anew with this person.

[vertige]

I am an American student doing a double master's in France and Germany, and I have had plenty of culture shock to go around. The French can be especially difficult, even when you speak the language well - to them, you'll never be Français. It's just a fact you have to live with! So I learned to have a sense of humor (albeit a French sense of humor, which involves a bit of bitchiness - not at all my personal style, but I saw it as an investment to get my hands a little dirty). I'm in Germany now and Germans are much closer to Americans in terms of personal style and directness, but they, like the French, often start off on the wrong foot vis-a-vis my Americanness...they always want to tell jokes about fat Americans who don't want to walk anywhere, don't speak foreign languages, are too loud, etc.

To our Asian guests, welcome to the U.S., and I can guarantee that Americans are slightly more complex than they seem - most U.S. students grew up in a bit of a cocoon, and think that if someone doesn't speak their language or follow their mores, then they should be happy to get any attention at all; that's the somewhat regrettable conclusion. However, one piece of advice that I will offer, and that I have learned for myself, is try to learn to joke around in English. Just do it. No matter how hard it is, no matter if you trip over yourself, do as one poster said - put your head above your heart. If you can hybridize your identity between your own culture and American culture, and can do so in an expressive way, Americans will love you. I learned to do this in France by drinking wine with friends. I started off getting so annoyed when people would drone on and on about American ignorance. I would react when people would correct my accent (grammar is one thing, but accent...c'mon, I'm never going to be French), and it got me nowhere. So, I learned to joke and laugh - sometimes *at* people, sometimes with them, and sometimes at myself. And somehow, after a few weeks of this, it clicked, and I was finding it easier to get over my own anxiety in many situations; my French was getting better because I stopped thinking so much; and I was making a lot more French friends, with whom I could practice and improve my French.

I realize this is not the best solution, and will not immediately erase the pain that you felt at being excluded. But if you learn to laugh at some things, and even to assert yourself a little bit, you'll find most Americans are a lot more responsive than you thought, especially if you can still show that you respect their boundaries. You have chosen to be in the country for a few years - I chose to be in Europe for 2 years (without money, without a program of other Americans to connect with) and at one point, I just had to drop the pretense and learn to embrace the role of the joking, dumb foreigner who is at least interactive. It was a good choice, at least for my situation. Best of luck for you guys.

[Andsowego]

To get along well with others entails to give-and-take. Though I've made an array of mistakes after I moved in, I DO NOT see my faults in terms of this case. I appreciate my housemate for asking me to join her with her family meal but she could have let her parents know I was coming to join them. Had she put herself in my position, what would she feel if she showed up unexpectely and abruptly during an acquaintance's family meal? How would it make her feel when she knew her housemate's parents called off few games due to her presence? Is it American's TRADITION for an american to take a stranger home for the Thanksgiving meal without permission from his parents? And then send someone to bed after the meal so that they could go on their bonding together? It makes me feel I was so cheap! I thank for her assistance after my arrival, but I'm not tolerant of and would never understand what she had done. This has nothing to do with culture shock....

She will move out with her boyfriend at the end of this month, and I planned to give her a silk scarf. I don't know who screwed ... whatever it is, but my life will move on.

Perhaps you're looking at this from the wrong perspective? Maybe it has nothing to do with the housemate being American... maybe she's just inconsiderate of the needs of others! Rude people come in all cultures. The best thing to do, is move on from this experience and start fresh. Just as rude people come in all cultures, so do wonderful and nice caring people!

[Eigen]

I have to say, I really don't see how inviting you to thanksgiving dinner without aking her parents was rude to you... Ive done it lots of times with a variety of International students. As for them canceling games on your account- that could be viewed as either rude or quite accommodating to you, not doing things that you couldnt participate in.

As to it not having to do with culture shock- it really does. You see it as a large deviation to have brought you without asking her parents, but it doesn't seem very out of place to me.

Just my thoughts. I enjoy it when my Chinese lab ages invite me to do things with them, and I don't consider it rude if they only talk in English half the time or less. I still appreciate the invitation, and the time during the activity that they do spend talking in English so I can follow the conversation

[Andsowego]

Just to follow up: as a Canadian, I'd never bring someone with me to my parents' home on a major holiday without asking my parents first. They're the kind of people who would *never* say no (I've brought home countless people!), but it's common courtesy and good manners to ask. If there's going to be a stranger in my parents' home, they should know about it ahead of time (plus, major holidays = major meals, and my mother for example should know how many people she has to plan to cook for). I agree with Gentlelife on this issue... I think that the housemate was definitely rude to not tell the parents, rude to send the guest to bed, and rude in many other ways that have nothing to do with culture.

[Eigen]

Just to follow up: as a Canadian, I'd never bring someone with me to my parents' home on a major holiday without asking my parents first. They're the kind of people who would *never* say no (I've brought home countless people!), but it's common courtesy and good manners to ask. If there's going to be a stranger in my parents' home, they should know about it ahead of time (plus, major holidays = major meals, and my mother for example should know how many people she has to plan to cook for). I agree with Gentlelife on this issue... I think that the housemate was definitely rude to not tell the parents, rude to send the guest to bed, and rude in many other ways that have nothing to do with culture.

Just because it's something you wouldn't do does not make it rude, and from the information we've gotten so far, there's nothing to indicate that the parents found it to be so. If the family had a history of bringing people home with little notice (it wasn't no notice, they called to inform the parents before arriving), then the parents would not have construed it as rude.

It's also a bit unclear to me what exactly is meant by "sending her to bed after dinner". Did they straight out tell you "you should go to bed now so we can have fun" right after dinner? Did they ask if you were tired and wanted to go to bed early? Did they simply stay up after you went to bed and have fun?

At least when I bring international students home/invite them over on major holidays, I tend to treat them like I would any other guest- spend some time specifically focused on them, try to make sure most of the group activities are things they can participate in, and keep an eye on them to make sure they aren't being too left out. I don't expect things to be tailored to me when I'm invited into another home, nor do I do the same when I invite others over. If there are some things that I can't participate in, I don't feel that it's rude if the majority can. In fact, it's often quite interesting to sit and watch the interactions, especially if it's another culture or something new to watch. Similarly, if I'm not always included in the conversation, I don't take it as being rude, but rather something that comes along with being a single person mixed in with a large group.

I think there are multiple ways you can look at the events from the original post, and that the view being taken by Gentlelife is one of the most negative.

Andsowego- I'd be interested to hear you expound on your reasoning for the "rudeness" of the housemate in "many other ways". It really wasn't apparent to me when I read the original post, and since it was to you I would very much appreciate your perspective. To me, it seems like the housemate is trying to be inclusive to Gentlelife, and while there are ways she could improve on it, it seems like she's gone out of her way to be inclusive. Not doing as much as she could isn't something I would label as rude, or even unapproachable. Unapproachable and rude would, to me, be not extending any invitations/reaching out at all to a new roommate, whereas showing a new roomate the town, introducing them to friends, inviting them to shared meals, bringing them home to meet family, etc. are all things that I would consider to be quite inclusive rather than exlusive.

[Babababa]

I completely agree with the above post.

I showed the original posts to my graduate buddy and my girlfriend without expressing my view. The replies were, "Does she expect a red carpet welcome??!!!" and "Her roommate is so nice!", respectively.

Having experienced with the complainatory attitudes (I suspect the one child nature of the family structure have something to do with it ) of Chinese international students I've come across (15+), I am not too surprised.

I can only hope that some of them understand that going to university isn't just about learning technical knowledge but also the soft skills as well.

[Amogh]

Going a bit off track with this one, but I was discussing culture shock/change with a friend of mine this evening and I found that people are so set in their own ideas of how to live and what not that they see everything else in a very negative light.

I have noted this to be true among most International students(from what I have heard from my seniors and classmates there and from photos of various friends on Facebook). They tend to group together with other internationals, preferably of their ethnicity and not mix much with others. I understand that people are most comfortable in an environment that is the most familiar to them but that shouldn't mean that they don't attempt to indulge themselves in the new culture that they are exposed to. Reminds me of the old adage "When in Rome, do as the Romans do.".

By doing so, most internationals, form their own parallel world. Not a good thing if you intend to live in the new country for a long time.

Life is short. Be open. Experience everything.

[Gentlelife]

Just because it's something you wouldn't do does not make it rude, and from the information we've gotten so far, there's nothing to indicate that the parents found it to be so. If the family had a history of bringing people home with little notice (it wasn't no notice, they called to inform the parents before arriving), then the parents would not have construed it as rude.

It's also a bit unclear to me what exactly is meant by "sending her to bed after dinner". Did they straight out tell you "you should go to bed now so we can have fun" right after dinner? Did they ask if you were tired and wanted to go to bed early? Did they simply stay up after you went to bed and have fun?

At least when I bring international students home/invite them over on major holidays, I tend to treat them like I would any other guest- spend some time specifically focused on them, try to make sure most of the group activities are things they can participate in, and keep an eye on them to make sure they aren't being too left out. I don't expect things to be tailored to me when I'm invited into another home, nor do I do the same when I invite others over. If there are some things that I can't participate in, I don't feel that it's rude if the majority can. In fact, it's often quite interesting to sit and watch the interactions, especially if it's another culture or something new to watch. Similarly, if I'm not always included in the conversation, I don't take it as being rude, but rather something that comes along with being a single person mixed in with a large group.

I think there are multiple ways you can look at the events from the original post, and that the view being taken by Gentlelife is one of the most negative.

Andsowego- I'd be interested to hear you expound on your reasoning for the "rudeness" of the housemate in "many other ways". It really wasn't apparent to me when I read the original post, and since it was to you I would very much appreciate your perspective. To me, it seems like the housemate is trying to be inclusive to Gentlelife, and while there are ways she could improve on it, it seems like she's gone out of her way to be inclusive. Not doing as much as she could isn't something I would label as rude, or even unapproachable. Unapproachable and rude would, to me, be not extending any invitations/reaching out at all to a new roommate, whereas showing a new roomate the town, introducing them to friends, inviting them to shared meals, bringing them home to meet family, etc. are all things that I would consider to be quite inclusive rather than exlusive.

Apparently, there's something I need to clarify here. My original post does not go down into specifics...My bad... I've never denied the fact that my housemate was quite open-minded because I do sense that she endeavored to do all she could to make me feel welcomed, to make me feel at home away from home. Meanwhile, as I mentioned previously, I cheerfully accepted her invitation with pleasure and have always been willing to embrace exotic culture. I was happy to go to dinner with her and I personally believed this could be a golden opportunity to get involved. However, if I knew she hadn't actually asked her parents if I could come, instead of turning her down, I would probably want her to get permission from her parents. I believe thanksgiving dinner is a big deal in America and her parents had every reason to be informed of me showing up ahead of time. I don't think giving her parents a call just before we finally arrived was acceptable. As I could only hear her part of conversation between she and her parents, I did feel bad that I was unwelcomed by her parents. Her mother might ask her where I was on the phone, and my housemate's reply to that was that I was with her and her boyfriend in the car. After that, they began to discuss some mundane issue, i.e what language do I speak? At the end of the conversation, she SIGHED and told her mom that I would stay with them after dinner for only a few games and then I would go to bed. After talking to her mom, my housemate bagan to explain what we were gonna do after dinner, told me the rules of some games I was expected to be a part of. I then spent the rest of our journey in the car preparing... But after the dinner, I just had a small talk with her father, and then was asked if I was tired and if I wanted to go to bed. Though they were not that straightforward, I did feel like they were eager to send me to bed. That night I shared the same room with my housemate (BTW I am a guy) and her boyfriend. They went to the room with me and I settled myself in bed for sleep. They had been inside the room with me barely ten minutes when my housemate received a call from her mother to ask her to take her boyfriend out at 11 p.m, and upon that time I was confirmed that her parents didn't actually want me to be included while my housemate did want me to join them with the game. I felt terribly bad that night and regretted having coming with her for the dinner. I admit that I was unhappy with my housemate taking me to dinner without letting her parents know in advance.

The biggest challenge I've been encountering is that I can never handle a bunch of people in the US as we are living in "a small social group". I'm not handling an isolated person living on an isolated island. It is my pleasure to know of someone broad-minded and frank disposition but if my housemate could me a little more considerate, I might not be hurt. They are some other awkward occasions I've experienced, and honestly I felt uncomfortable with some of her words and behaviours as well...(she should look at the face of her boyfriend's when she picked up a chat with me on some sensitive topic and when she did something with me around! Americans give me the impression of being too careless) That's why I find americans are somewhat difficult to deal with in genral...

Edited January 5, 2012 by Gentlelife

[Gentlelife]

"Does she expect a red carpet welcome??!!!" and "Her roommate is so nice!", respectively.

Having experienced with the complainatory attitudes (I suspect the one child nature of the family structure have something to do with it ) of Chinese international students I've come across (15+), I am not too surprised.

I can only hope that some of them understand that going to university isn't just about learning technical knowledge but also the soft skills as well.

Well, it is true that I am the only child of my family, but I am by no means "a spoilt kid". No one has never got hurt since he left his mother's protective shelter but it is human nature to be self-defensive. I never take it for granted that I should be invited, and I do be grateful to those kind offer, but surely I'll not accept any "humiliating" offer. A red carpet welcome? Your buddy or female friend would not make that remark if he or she faces that situation. This has nothing to do with one-child policy. Many Chinese students do compare the bad of America with the good of China, which I admit is bad, but in this case, I'm talking about culture, or people skill if you would like to call it that way. Mind you asians might be the most sensitive people in the world while Americans are really just careless.

Edited January 5, 2012 by Gentlelife