Family Issues

[omigoshlolz]

Hi guys...

This is probably in the completely wrong thread, but there isn't one called "Complain, Complain, Complain."

I'm so frustrated. I shouldn't be. I should actually be celebrating right now. I've worked so so hard and after I applied to grad school last year for Counseling Psychology and got rejected from both schools I applied to, I went into application season this year a little afraid. But since last year, I put a ton of effort into chunking up my cv and doing a shit load of work during my "year off." I was still pretty down on myself, but then I got 3 acceptances, one from my TOP SCHOOL!

I was/am insanely excited and I'm currently trying to figure out my finances with the bank so I can actually GO to my top school, so I'm a little stressed. But a few members of my family are driving me insane.

I just sense a ton of negativity coming from them. Both of them have admitted to "settling" when they were my age (22) and instead of getting a university degree of any kind, they decided to get married to the first men who showed any interest. Of course, this ended in divorce and a few very sad children. I just feel like they are both (both of them are my aunts, btw) a little hostile and/or jealous and it's starting to be taken out on me because I'm going to be doing what I love and they didn't and chose to take a different path.

When I told them I got into this school and am planning on going there if I can afford it, there was a ton of negativity. No congratulations. Just a bunch of "That's ridiculous", "Why would you go there?", "It's dangerous there", "You're going to need like 50 thousand dollars", "You'll be paying that off the rest of your life"

And it really bummed me out. I was SO excited over this. And I'm so passionate about the field and I love this program and I just wanted them to be happy for me! Share in my excitement, you know? This has been my dream since I was in high school. This school. This program. This city. My dream. And now I'm feeling bad about myself and a little guilty if I take the opportunity because I'll be able to do this and they didn't.

And one of my aunts keeps eluding to the fact that she thinks I'm selfish because my grandfather has a agreed to cosign on a student line of credit for me so I can take this opportunity. I'm the eldest of 15 grandchildren, by the way. I worked really hard for this and my grandpa is really excited for me and is willing to help me and now I feel guilty accepting the help. And I don't know why my aunt would think I'm selfish. He's cosigned on her house so she could keep it after the divorce...

GRAR.

I'm just upset.

Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to comment.

[Hillary Emick]

I've gotten some pretty mixed responses from my family too. I don't let it get to me. Does it really matter what your aunts think? Unless you interact with them frequently, just be gracious and civil and don't let it get to you.

If you are close and interact frequently, it may be worth a heart to heart to let them know that you are committed to this path and have faith that it will be beneficial in the long run and you could really use their support, or at least a cease-fire on the negative comments if they don't feel they can be fully supportive.

[Bumblebee]

I also didn't feel supported by my family at the beginning. My mom wanted me to accept an offer from another school since it was closer to home (and by that, I mean a regional flight and an international flight instead of a regional flight, an international flight and another regional flight). She also thought that going to an East Coast school was much better than ending in the middle of nowhere in the Mid-West. My father kept saying that I was making a mistake. When I received the offer from the school I was super excited about it and after I did the campus visit I knew it was the place I wanted to study at. But my parents didn't support me and the issue of grad school was a taboo topic in our conversations. We didn't even discuss it. I felt miserable because I really wanted to accept the offer but didn't want to go against my parents (they're a really important part of my life). I ended up accepting the offer, but it didn't feel how it was supposed to feel. It took them a few weeks, but they finally realized that it was a great opportunity for me and that it was a good program. During the summer I kept telling them great things about the school, the city, the program, etc. to let them know that I was going to a good place. This is my second year here and they're just excited as I am with my progresses. They are happy now seeing how happy I am with my program, how many good friends I've made, etc. and they're coming in a month for my MA graduation. :-) It ended very well, but at the beginning I went through really tough moments.

What I meant with this looooooong post is that, even when my situation was not the same, I know what it feels not being supported by your family and making a decision that is making you miserable instead of excited (as it should be). I guess my advice is that, even when it might go against your family's wishes, you need to do what you think is best for you and go to the school you really want to go to. It might end up well for you (as it did for me), or it might not. But follow your dreams. Don't make a decision that you might regret all your life.

[robot_hamster]

I don't get a lot of support from my family. I don't know if they just don't understand what I'm going through or what. I'm the first person in my family to get a college degree, so perhaps that is part of it. It is just frustrating sometimes, especially when people make "off" comments about how "you won't make any money doing that". I think the general lack of interest is probably more hurtful though.

Anyway, it sounds like your aunts are jealous and being a bit childish. As said above, if you don't have to interact with them on a regular basis then just be as gracious as you can be and avoid the subject.

[Chasely]

First, congratulations! Having to make a choice is way better than not being able to make one!

A couple assumptions I'm making:

• You're first choice is NYU based on the comments from your aunts. That's an awesome school.
  
• You're doing a masters degree, since there was no talk of funding.
  
  Assuming these are true, I would pose these questions to you:
  • How much debt are you going to accumulate during your degree?
    
  • What is a reasonable starting salary for MS clinical psychologists?
    
  • What kind of financial shape is your grandpa in?
    
  • And would you be okay with your grandpa paying your loans until you get a job after school?
    

  Notice that I just touched on the money issue, the rest of the concerns are BS (NY is not more dangerous than most places). Also think your aunt is a hypocrite re: your grandpa.

  I do agree that the talk of "settling" probably has more than a little bit of jealousy in it. You should not have to "settle" when you have such great opportunities in front of you.

[wrlzz]

I guess my advice is that, even when it might go against your family's wishes, you need to do what you think is best for you and go to the school you really want to go to. It might end up well for you (as it did for me), or it might not. But follow your dreams. Don't make a decision that you might regret all your life.

This is the best advice you could ever get. Very accurate and true.

[Bumblebee]

Thank you, @wrlzz :-)

[domnulsl]

I'm gonna let my boi Will Smith lays it out for u: “Don’t ever let somebody tell you –  ”you can’t do something”.. not even me, alright? You got a dream? You got to protect it. People who can’t do it themselves, they wanna tell you – “you can’t do it!”. If you want something, Go Get it!.. Period!”

[sam_1]

Very encouraging comments:-) My family isn't unsupportive in any hostile sense, but they really don't seem to

'get' what I'm doing.

When you hear good news, it can be very hurtful and surprising for people to 'rain on your parade': it is perhaps

normal for practical concerns to be expressed, but not when you've just gotten in.

[juilletmercredi]

When I got into PhD programs I didn't get the desired reaction either. My mom was happy for me but very unsure - she wasn't sure what the job prospects were like. My dad was opposed, and still is. Last time I went home he was trying to get me to drop out of my program. He seems to misunderstand what I can do - for example, he keeps telling me that since I have an MA I could be a principal, even though I am not in education, do not have a teaching license, do not have an MA in a field that is commonly taught in schools and have absolutely zero desire to teach K-12. The rest of my family just keeps cracking jokes about how I have been in school "forever" (I am 25), asking me when I will graduate, and wondering when I will have children.

When you are the first person in your family to get a graduate degree, or one of the few, it can be quite difficult. When the norm is for you to settle down and marry a nice boy, there can be a lot of confusion and even resentment if it seems like you're doing better than the ones who did do that. You just kind of have to take it in stride. Me, after I realized the mixed reactions I got, just minimized the amount of time I talk about school and work with my family. They get one sentence answers and we move onto something else. I save my passion for grad school and academia for those who understand and care.

[QxV]

Congrats on NYU! I'll be there this fall too=) Beyond the financial situation, I think support can come from so many places other than your family. I've had some fantastic mentors who really understood certain aspects of my life better than anyone else (e.g., I don't bring my personal life to work, but my professors have been excellent academic role models), and you take what you can get, really.

Edited April 13, 2012 by QxV

[nari27]

I can totally empathize with you. I'm getting some weirdness from my family also. Things were fine when I applied, but as soon as I got my first acceptance they got weird. Maybe they thought I wasn't going to get in or something. I've noticed that they have stopped including me in decisions about plans for this Fall because I "won't be here anyways" and they keep telling me how expensive things will be in my new town. It took me some time to realize that they were behaving this way because they will miss me. I didn't see it right away, but they were worried that I would start my new life in a new town for 5+ years and the trips home would be less frequent than my BA and MS. But, you should see them light up like a Christmas tree when they tell their friends that their child is doing a PhD at so and so college! I have a lot of support from my friends and MS advisor. They "get" the kind of research that I will be doing and know how important it is to be at a university that provides resources for me to do my research.

Ignore your aunt!! There's one in every family (two in mine in fact) that will try to tear you down. I'm glad that your grandfather can see how important this is to you. You should be able to feel pride that you were accepted, it's a big accomplishment! Good luck to you!! :-)