Awkward Situation

[nik21104]

So, I'd just like to start by saying that if I could do it over again (I'm a second year), I would've been much stronger and definitely smarter by choosing another research group. However, this is not about me or my decisions. This has to do with another student, a first-year who wants to join my research group. Let me start by saying that my adviser is the most nicest and amazing adviser possible, his post-doc on the other hand is a bitch, a royal bitch who torments everyone. She makes her coworker go home and cry everyday and she and I have spent months of giving each other the silent treatment after she made a few comments about me.

 

Now this first-year made a few stupid mistakes while visiting a group meeting, like laughing when the presenter made a mistake and then being on the phone for like 20 minutes. These offended everyone so much that no one wants her in the group. However she is a really nice girl and I feel bad for excluding her for things that don't really define a person. 

 

On the other hand, I know that the post-doc is going to hate her and treat her even worse than she treats me (which is saying something as she spends all day calling me lazy and stupid in Mandarin). So I told my adviser not to take her on the basis of it will just cause more problems but now I'm tired of letting the post-doc dictate everything in the lab and part of me feels bad for the girl who desperately wants to join. It's between her and another dude who I've never met and I want to fight for her but I'm not sure if its the best for her. 

 

I guess I want some advice on whether to fight for her or to listen to my heart which is saying that not fighting for her is the best option. I did however try to steer her to the group I now wish I had joined but she seems depressed and confused as to why my adviser hasn't taken her. Should I tell her? 

 

Also some advice on dealing with the post-doc would be awesome. I can't directly fight with her cause she goes to adviser and complains about me all the time so he might already have a bad impression about me that I don't want to worsen. 

[mop]

The new student isn't respectful enough to get off the phone when in a meeting for 20 minutes seems like a red flag. If she is confused tell her she was very disrespectful and the group doesn't want her. If this is the only impression that the PI has of her then I would say the PI is right to reject her.

[Lisa44201]

At best, I would stay out of the situation with the first-year's. The other applicant may actually know how to behave professionally, and you'd be standing up for someone whose behavior suggests she is not serious. Her actions at that meeting may not define her as a person, but they do define her as a student.

 

I would tell her in very straightforward terms that she seriously hurt her chances by behaving rudely in that group meeting; that is probably one of the kindest things you could do for her, as she may not be aware that that behavior is not acceptable.

 

As far as the post-doc is concerned... man, the snarky part of me wonders if, if you understand enough Mandarin to know what she's saying, if you'd be able to snipe back??

 

Probably not very professional, either.

 

Have you ever spoken to the post-doc? Not a what's-your-problem conversation, but maybe making a distinct point of saying hello when you see her?

[Eigen]

Not knowing your field exactly, how much longer will the post-doc be there? In my field, 1-2 years is a typical post-doctoral rotation. 

 

Might be just worth ducking until the situation resolves itself that way. 

 

When I joined my lab, there was a huge amount of tension between our post-doc and our most senior grad student, and definitely made things awkward. 

 

I'll also advise, in general, that a thicker skin is beneficial times like this. Who cares if your post-doc things you're lazy? It's what you think of your work ethic and to a lesser extent, what your PI things, that matter. 

 

You'll always run into co-workers/cohort-mates that are snarky, abrasive, etc. Learning how to not let it bother you is very beneficial, especially if, as you say, your PI isn't the same. 

 

On the first year- what you've said doesn't make me want to fight for her. You don't mention any real positives (good attitude, great work ethic, talented, etc), just some things that make it seem like, at best, she's immature and clueless about a professional attitude (talking on the phone during group meeting?! Laughing when someone makes a mistake?). 

[Arcadian]

post-doc on the other hand is a bitch, a royal bitch who torments everyone. She makes her coworker go home and cry everyday and she and I have spent months of giving each other the silent treatment after she made a few comments about me.

 

lol what? Someone should fire that bitch.

 

Post-docs have no reason to be bitches. They have fewer responsibilities than faculty and grad students. All they have to do is research projects. Every post doc I've worked with has been cool. If one starts to bitch, they can just suck a dick and leave.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Arcadian

[jamesshaffer85]

I think you should listen to your heart in any situaion. If you don;t feel liek fighting for that girl, you don't have to. It's simple as that. Just relax - this situation isn't that awkward as you think. Ask yourself if it will be important in a couple of years. I guess your answer will be no. So, why worry now then?

[aberrant]

Now this first-year made a few stupid mistakes while visiting a group meeting, like laughing when the presenter made a mistake and then being on the phone for like 20 minutes. These offended everyone so much that no one wants her in the group. However she is a really nice girl...

 

 

You got me confused. I do not think those 2 were "stupid mistakes" nor this person is a "really nice girl" solely based on her not showing any respect to others. While I never heard of any grad student try to fight a position for another grad student to join his/her lab, I just don't see the point here. Why wouldn't you do the same for the other person, who is supposedly "a guy you never met"?

 

 

On the other hand, I know that the post-doc is going to hate her and treat her even worse than she treats me (which is saying something as she spends all day calling me lazy and stupid in Mandarin)

What exactly does she say in Mandarin? And how do you know that she is calling you lazy and stupid in mandarin? From the think about it, I'm actually delight that someone who can spend all day by calling you names while still being a responsible / productive postdoc in a research lab.

[TomJones]

If the girl really wanted to be in the group, she would've never provoked any complicated situations. She may be just powdering your brains. My advice, if you really need it, - stop worring about the things that bring you problems, better focus on something productive. But this is unless you really like the girl