Mistake in Returning, Want Out. Advice?

[Zil]

Hi ya'll,

 

My situation is probably an exercise in utter stupidity, but not everyone comes out of the womb secure in themselves and knowing exactly what they want.

 

I completed a M.A. in Spanish literature in 2012. I decided at that time not to persue the PhD for a number of reasons that were still nebulous to me at that moment: something about needing more free time, something about being too lonely, something about not liking literature that much after all, something about having a more balanced schedule. Mostly it was a gut feeling that something was wrong.

 

I took a year away and worked in a paid volunteer position that began in Sept 2012.

 

But already in October of last year I felt the grad school itch. I had worked so hard on my M.A. and I had learned so much. I had had the opportunity to travel. My professors all believed without a doubt that I would return and they all warned me about taking too much time off. My GRE scores would expire soon. My volunteer position would only last a year and then I would be out of work again. And my stupid ego was still all wrapped up in the small pleasures I received from being awarded for academic work.

 

So I started applying for 2013. Only one month after beginning my new job. Only one month of living a new life outside of school. My ego, anxiety and lack of patience won.

 

And here I am now in Fall 2013 with a teaching stipend in a PhD program and I'm hating every minute of it. I tried to think positively at the beginning, but every week I feel more and more anxious, to the point where I feel physically ill. I know I will not finish and I need to get out. All the reasons that I left after the M.A. have flooded back to me and are paralyzing me. My interests and my general ability will not be enough to carry me through and I am totally fine with that because I finally see the light. I didn't know what I wanted for myself for years and years, and here I am at 25, someone who doesn't even like reading fiction, working on a Literature PhD. I'm amazed at my own ignorance of self. I can't lie to myself or those around me anymore because I've finally pinpointed that the problem is me.

 

I don't expect sympathy because I can see in clear relief now that my unhappiness is the result of my own lack of self-knowledge. What I need is advice on how to leave as soon as possible. I will finish the semester, but I can't imagine continuing for another one because that will result in me wasting time and energy, in more advisors wasting more resources on me, a person who doesn't want to be there. I don't want to be here taking up stipend money that another person could be using. I also don't want to appear ungreatful, I just want to tell the truth and move on and not darken the doors of literary academia ever again.

 

Any advice on how best to proceed?

Edited October 30, 2013 by Zil

[Lisa44201]

Talk to your adviser and your department head.

[Andean Pat]

Errrr..... 

 

I don't see this as stupid nor anything of the sort. On the contrary: from what you have described, you have learned more about yourself in the last year than most people! Sometimes we need to try out things to actually know that we don't like them. It happened to me with smoking, although obviously it is not the same thing! 

 

You already know that literature is not what you like. Have you thought of what you do? You are responsible for your own happiness/unhappiness, and it is great that you can see that and act consequently. I would talk to my advisor but before that I thini you should clarify (to yourself) what you are going to do so as to give him/her a clear, confident decision (which, by the way, it seems you have already made). 

 

Sometimes we are a little afraid not to do what everybody else is doing. At one point what other people thought was more "convincing" to you than you gut. I completely understand you because I am a "gut person" but when it comes to "big" decisions, I try to de-gut them so as to be more rational. In the end, the rational explanations emerge. You don't want to be in this PhD program. What is more clear than that? I think it is amazing how honest you are being to yourself. Not everyone is like this. 

 

Thus, I suggest you assess then what you want to do, talk to your advisor, and go for it! All the best of lucks!

[rising_star]

Before you go talk to someone in your department, go find yourself a counselor or therapist to talk to, preferably one that has done a research degree so knows what you're talking about. That person should be able to help you sort through what you're feeling and thinking and assist you with developing a plan for how to proceed from here.

[Zil]

Thank you all for your replies. I do realize that this facing the truth is better than continuing on denying it, I just wish I could've realized this in a more convenient way . I guess this is how life works. I'm trying to get an appointment with a counselor because I agree that it would be productive to talk to a 3rd party who is familiar with these kinds of issues to help unpack them. Plus, holding this all in my head while I continue to act "normal" every day is going to make me crazy.

 

I am working on thinking of what to do. I do know a few things. I enjoy teaching, presenting information. I also like working in project-oriented interpersonal positions. I'm a little bit of a dilettante, but going against those impulses in the name of specialization has not served me well at all mentally. I am looking at becoming an athletic center tutor and/or joining a school-based service program to see if I might be interested in teaching high school. I would also look at community college adjuncting to keep me afloat financially. As socially-awkward as I am, I do better in environments where I am pushed to interact with a variety of personalities.

 

Seeing as though I will have to talk to my advisor, do you all have any suggestions about when the best time to do this in the semester? I am participating in a small on-campus conference that my advisor is in charge of in November, and of course I still have a month and a half left of classes. The news is going to be the same no matter when I say it, but I can't help but wonder if some time is better than another.

 

Also, can anyone imagine any problems arising due to my TA-ship? I have a 9-month agreement that as long as I am taking classes, I will receive a TAship with a stipend. As far as I can ascertain, I should suffer no penalty as long as I don't quit mid-semester. With that said, I'm already scheduled to teach a section of Spanish for next semester...are there any issues that might arise with that that I'm overlooking? I'm still petrified to ask anyone (even admin) within the dept about this.

Edited October 31, 2013 by Zil

[Lisa44201]

I would schedule that appointment sooner rather than later; if nothing else, they're going to need to schedule someone to take that class, and that will take some legwork.

[TakeruK]

I would also suggest scheduling an appointment with a counselor or something similar sooner rather than later, but mostly because figuring out the way ahead is not just something that happens over a couple of sessions. It takes some time! 

 

I would not worry as much about giving the department time to find a new TA. Sure, the more advance notice you are able to give, the better, but working out your own path forward is way more important. So, there's no need to tell your department you want to leave until you are certain about the path you are going to take (I'm not trying to talk you out of leaving, but maybe telling people you want to leave right now is not the best path?). Even if it means telling them a few weeks before your TAship starts -- it's a crappy situation but that's the way it is! At my old school, we sign a contract a week before each term starts, so we have no obligation to actually be the TA until the contract is signed! 

 

Does your school have a union for TAs? If so, reading your Collective Agreement will provide details on what will happen. You can also talk to your union staff too, because it's their job to know the Collective Agreement and they can help you interpret the legalese. If there's no union, then it might be tricky because most departments are quite unclear on protocol (which is one reason why Collective Agreements helps makes the rules clear to everyone and it no longer seems like the school can just make up the rules as they go along).

Edited October 31, 2013 by TakeruK

[PsychGirl1]

Have you thought about taking a semester off? Most schools will have some way for you to do that.

 

One thing, during your time off, is to think about is to weighing the length of your program against how much you're struggling. Getting a PhD in a certain area can be a huge benefit even if you're planning to teach. For example, I went to a private school K-12, and I'd say a little over half of my teachers had a PhD, even the English teachers :-). Also, by taking a semester off and re-aligning your career goals, you may find that the grad school life is less stressful, less overwhelming, and less stressful. After all, you just have to fulfill the requirements for your degree if you don't plan to stay in academia. You may even let yourself make room for things you enjoy, such a tutoring, instead of trying to get As instead of Bs, or trying to network for a job in academia, or whatever that may be. Your university might also have resources like teaching classes that you can take on top of your normal requirements- and the TA'ing experience is still valuable for that career path.

 

Just food for thought- that is honestly what I would do if I were you. Also, in addition to a counselor, you might want to try to find career services- either through your school or out of it- I found it really helpful when I was trying to figure out a new career path a few years ago. You take lots of tests, do some "games"/exercises to learn what priorities are important to you in career/life, talk about what aspects you want to find in your next job and potential career paths, etc. I actually found it a really helpful process, because a lot of the time it's difficult to put into words what you like or don't like about things.

 

Good luck!

[memyselfandcoffee]

have you considered getting an Mphil-- it  could help you fulfil some of your current obligations and really help down the line with teaching at community colleges ect

 

one thing i find really hard to understand is how you ended up doing lit Phd when you don't like reading fiction, this point is really baffling to me.

 

I wouldn't worry too much though about feeling you are letting everyone down, by leaving, there are plenty of very eager people willing to fill your place. You started in good faith, but realise its not for you. Infact if your 100% sure its not for you, which it sounds like you are, you are very lucky to find out at this early stage. I 've seen posts from people who are 3 years, with 3 years to go, regretting starting a Phd and realising academia is not for them, but feel they've waisted 3 years of their life. I think I even saw a post from someone who was 5 years in, who had come to same realisation you had.

 

Good luck!

[queenleblanc]

Contemplate the end result of where you are.  Does earning your PhD help accomplish a goal you have for your life after you finish the program?  Does the PhD program set you up to choose many different directions, and at least one of them includes goals you now have for yourself?  Just a couple of thoughts. 

 

I did a M.A.T. right after my undergrad, expecting to teach music k-12 as a lifelong career.  5 years into teaching, I finally found that while I enjoyed that career to a point, it just wasn't the right fit.  I did one more year of teaching while I completed pre-reqs, and now I'm back in a MS-SLP program with a much more clear direction of my life goals, career goals, talents, research ambitions, and putting that all together.  I have a much stronger sense of where I am going.  And now I also have student loans left over from the MAT degree to pay off, at some point, plus the student loans of my current MS program building.  

 

YOU are the most important person in this whole equation.  Don't finish a degree you don't see yourself ever needing or using just because of pressure.  Do what is right by your department, and investigate what needs to happen for the course(s) you are slated to teach next semester.  Above all, seek vocational counseling to help you determine your next step.  If you have an allied health sciences dept they usually have counseling from vocational and rehab departments.  You will not want to be "that person" who has started and quit a PhD program only to eventually figure out that you really should have completed it... especially since you are funded.  

[danieleWrites]

Do you have to do Spanish literature? I'm in an English lit track PhD program and I could shift my emphasis to composition or maybe tech writing. Does your department offer a different emphasis you can do that would be more interesting? You might still have to take literature courses, but if you're aiming at something else, translation, linguistics, or whatever, would you be more interested in that?

[Zil]

I actually got into literature via anthropology. When I graduated with my B.A., I wasn't sure what to do, so I applied to the Spanish program following the advice of a professor. I decided the teaching experience would be good, and an M.A. wouldn't hurt. I enjoyed linguistics, but veered into literature because of a professor there who ran an international program brought students to the Amazon every year. I felt that I might be able to study some unusual combination of anthropology and Amazonian literature, which I sort of did. 

 

I didn't continue on to the PhD, though. I had some hangups about it, something didn't sit well in my stomach. My experience in the Amazon was invaluable, but the prospect of making my personal career off of the people I met there seemed unusual to me. 

 

During my year out of school, somehow I started to idealize the whole proposition of literature again. I could study social issues! And Comp Lit would allow me flexibility (U.S., Latin America, ecology, society, race, nation, all that fun stuff). Someday I might become a professor and combine literature and service learning. What I said 6 mos. ago seems naive now. But I am finding that while this program appears flexible, the director is kind of pushy and quite obviously sees tenure-track as the only career option. And while that may have appeared attractive at one time, my service year has changed my priorities more than I could have realized in such a short amount of time. Writing papers about things feels rather empty in comparison to having that concrete everyday interaction that I came to rely upon. Even if the everyday can be tedious sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm going somewhere, which makes me feel more healthy mentally.

 

Based on my experience last year, I have become interested in pursuing Adult Education or ESOL, or simply becoming a high school Spanish teacher. I have also considered trying to start a small tutoring business on the side, because I have done this before. 

 

The university that I am at doesn't really have any other programs or focus tracks that I could combine with Comp Lit that would open up those or other options. I can study multiple subjects, which is nice, but none of these would have the application-focus that I feel I need. I believe that I could've researched this program better than I did. I'm feeling somewhat trapped.

 

Unfortunately I don't think we have a grad assistant union at my school :/. So I will have to see.

[socioholic]

I can actually relate to this. I was actually at the end of a master's degree and I quit. People asked me why and looking back I wonder if it was really as bad as I thought at the time. Like you, the field itself (public administration) just seemed like nothing. I felt like all I was doing was writing papers but I wasn't learning anything tangible. Additionally I no longer envisioned myself in that work environment for the next 40 years. I wondered why spend more time on this when I know I hate it? Just to prove something to other people?

 

Your time and peace of mind has value. You don't have to stay in a situation you hate.

 

I'm not sure if you're asking literally, how to get out of it; are you obligated somehow?

[juilletmercredi]

Well, as I'm sure you know, literature is more than just fiction

 

Contrary to what you may think, I do have sympathy for you.  It sounds like you may have gone to get your MA directly after undergrad, and so you were only one month into not just a new job but a totally different lifestyle.  You've been in some form of school for as long as you can remember, and it's completely normal to feel the itch to go back before you've settled in.  It's also normal to not have perfect self-knowledge at age 24.  You did what you thought was a good idea at the time, and there's nothing wrong with that - now you just have to fix it.

 

I don't think you should immediately talk to your adviser and department head, although that will come.  I think that first you need an exit strategy.  What is your next step?  Are you going to get another master's and train for another career?  Are you going to apply directly to jobs?  Are you going to go to law school or med school or something else?  I don't think it's ever a good idea to leave a grad program without an exit strategy, unless you're so miserable that you're a danger to yourself.

 

Once you decide what your next step is, prepare for that next step.  Apply for some jobs, and start putting one foot out.  Once you find employment - whatever level you need to support yourself at a level you are comfortable - *then* you can tell your adviser and the department chair that you are planning to leave and go through the actions necessary to withdraw.

 

Also...I'm not going to say don't think about your program at all, because you do want to try to make the transition smoothly and not ruffle feathers.  But...put yourself first.  It would be ideal to try to figure out what you want to do and make an exit plan before the beginning of the spring semester, so that they can find someone else to cover your classes.  But think about it like a job - you don't want to leave a job before you have a new job, and similarly, you don't want to leave your paying, experience-bearing position before you have a new paying position with health insurance.  They will find a way to make up for the fact that you have to leave, even if you end up leaving in mid-March.

 

This is semi-related - but why oh why do professors advise uncertain undergraduate to get an MA?  When an undergrad says to you "I am not sure what to do next!" academics' answer should NOT be "go to grad school!"  WTF?  It should be "get a job and work for a few years and figure out what you want to do while feeding yourself and gaining skills and experience"!

[Zil]

I'm not sure if you're asking literally, how to get out of it; are you obligated somehow?

 

My obligation is fairly typical. I have an teaching assistantship in which I'm currently teaching a section of basic Spanish four days a week. I assume that I should have no trouble leaving (paying back money, primarily) as long as I finish out the full semester. I would like to double-check everything with someone at the university, but I'm afraid to ask our actual departmental financial admin right now because I don't want word to get around (I get the feeling the dept head knows everyone and keeps up with everything. I actually find that I really dislike her.).

 

 

Well, as I'm sure you know, literature is more than just fiction

 

Contrary to what you may think, I do have sympathy for you.  It sounds like you may have gone to get your MA directly after undergrad, and so you were only one month into not just a new job but a totally different lifestyle.  You've been in some form of school for as long as you can remember, and it's completely normal to feel the itch to go back before you've settled in.  It's also normal to not have perfect self-knowledge at age 24.  You did what you thought was a good idea at the time, and there's nothing wrong with that - now you just have to fix it.

 

I don't think you should immediately talk to your adviser and department head, although that will come.  I think that first you need an exit strategy.  What is your next step?  Are you going to get another master's and train for another career?  Are you going to apply directly to jobs?  Are you going to go to law school or med school or something else?  I don't think it's ever a good idea to leave a grad program without an exit strategy, unless you're so miserable that you're a danger to yourself.

 

Once you decide what your next step is, prepare for that next step.  Apply for some jobs, and start putting one foot out.  Once you find employment - whatever level you need to support yourself at a level you are comfortable - *then* you can tell your adviser and the department chair that you are planning to leave and go through the actions necessary to withdraw.

 

Also...I'm not going to say don't think about your program at all, because you do want to try to make the transition smoothly and not ruffle feathers.  But...put yourself first.  It would be ideal to try to figure out what you want to do and make an exit plan before the beginning of the spring semester, so that they can find someone else to cover your classes.  But think about it like a job - you don't want to leave a job before you have a new job, and similarly, you don't want to leave your paying, experience-bearing position before you have a new paying position with health insurance.  They will find a way to make up for the fact that you have to leave, even if you end up leaving in mid-March.

 

This is semi-related - but why oh why do professors advise uncertain undergraduate to get an MA?  When an undergrad says to you "I am not sure what to do next!" academics' answer should NOT be "go to grad school!"  WTF?  It should be "get a job and work for a few years and figure out what you want to do while feeding yourself and gaining skills and experience"!

 

 

Yes, you've got me spot on. I had already accepted the offer to this new PhD program by March, but my job contract didn't end until the last day of July. Which left me already with 4 months to start doubting the rapidity of my decision to apply. But by the time my doubts really picked up, I already was committed, I already had an apartment, and my fiancee already had a job in the new city. I felt I had to go give it a shot. And here I am in some strange calm zen state after having crying and panic attacks since week 2.

 

I am considering a few options for employment. What is awkward right now is trying to keep up with the academic work while also making time to search for jobs. That plus I have to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to look out for myself and not feel guilty for being perfect in all of my classes at this point. Fall break and Thanksgiving are coming, so I hope to get a more concrete thing going. For temporary employment, the university athletic tutoring center pays well. I am also considering applying for another Americorps program to get work experience in a high school because I am seriously considering applying to teach foreign language or work with ESOL students. I have taught foreign language (Spanish, English, German) in varying capacities for a few years now, and it is the one constant that I have enjoyed. I have also been regularly complemented on my ability to break down and present clearly complicated things. I enjoy that and I feel like foreign language/ESOL would be a way to play to those strengths.

 

You see, another reason why I want to get out sooner than later is because I received money for school as part of the compensation for my service year. Currently I'm using that money to cover fees, but I want a lot of it to still be available in case I end up taking classes to retrain for becoming a teacher or ESOL specialist. If I go through another semester, I will lose another 1/5 of that education funding. It wouldn't be the end of the world to lose another chunk of that funding, but it is an added pressure in the back of my mind.

 

Your final question is absolutely right. I don't regret getting the M.A. because 1) I'm typically fantastic at justifying my questionable decisions (but not this time! Which is the biggest red flag) and 2) in all seriousness, it gave me a chance to teach Spanish and take a couple of second-language acquisition teaching courses. I also got to go to Peru and do a couple of teaching internships, as well as learn that I am pretty good at working in intercultural contexts. I also learned how complex rhetoric is and how all writing is ideological in some way. All of the things  learned there have been very important for me. HOWEVER, every professor I knew always seemed to assume that based on what I had done, I would become a professor. And really, at the M.A. level there was no great reason to assume that beyond the fact that that is what their jobs are. The program I was in was not PhD track, you had to reapply for the PhD program. But their repeating it and my naivete were a bad combo. When I look back on it, I see clearly that I was a very insecure, anxious person looking for approval. All of my moving toward a PhD was very much founded on that emotional state, but nobody questioned me reasons for doing anything, least of all me.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Zil