Finding a husband in graduate school.

[tonita]

You don't have to be in a rush looking for your partner. If you're desperately looking for that "someone", someday you might just realize that you did not enjoy your life at all. They key is "happiness". Marriage is not a game you can just easily quit if you like. You need to build a strong foundation for your marriage to be a lasting one. Sadly, couples are more inclined to quit a marriage when problems arise rather than learning how to cope with them and solve them together. Divorce rates are rising, but despite the percentages, there are still some couples who are committed to one another and to making a marriage last.

[LittleDarlings]

I'm quite confused about what you want. Do you want just any relationship or a good long-lasting relationship? 

Either way I wish you luck.

I want a lasting relationship. One that eventually leads to marriage and a family. My panic more than anything is because I think by 22 almost 23 you should have had a serious relationship. I've been through a ton of crap with a ton of not so good guys, Joeyboy you mentioned the whole getting used which has happen a lot. I just think most people have had at least one serious relationship by now. What if I finally meet someone we date and it doesn't work? Then what will happen to me? A friend told me about her friend who is 38 lives in ca and is an attorney. She has this awesome life but she's single.. She was engaged and they recently called it off. Now what happens to that lady? To me that is the worst thing that could happen, I can't even imagine it. So yes I want a lasting relationship but I would hope it would happen soon so if the relationship fails I won't have wasted a huge amount of time. Does that make sense?

 

I don't want to seem difficult because I understand what everyone is saying, I truly do.  This is something I have gone back and forth about for a REALLY long time (in all honesty probably since I was 15) it wasn't as intense at 15 I just knew one day I wanted to get married and start a family and hopefully I would be young when that happened but now the pressure feels like it is on.  I can't accept the idea that it will NEVER happen, that is way too much right now. Who would want to/be happy about being in your 40s (as a woman) and single with no children I just feel like that isn't something to be happy about and I personally can't imagine being happy about that. Everyone is different but I just want a family so much.  I don't want people to think I am going to grad school specifically to find a husband, that would be stupid and a HUGE investment for just that.  I want to go to grad school and complete it and have a career that I love but ideally while I am doing that I hope to meet someone and start a serious relationship.  A lot of professionals are older when they get married and have kids but I really would prefer if that wasn't me.  I am not saying I want to get married tomorrow but I would hope by 30 I would be married at least if nothing else.  

Edited November 11, 2013 by Pinkster12

[Caylynn]

I think you realize the point of the "desperately seeking perfection" photo, but are skirting around the true meaning... Don't desperately seek someone; it is incredibly likely you'll be eternally disappointed. I swear guys can smell desperation, and then they run. After my last boyfriend dumped me, I spent about a year trying to fill what I felt was a void. Then I realized I could have lots of fun with just my regular friends doing other things, and I stopped trying to find someone to date so I could focus on my career. Then it was like my boyfriend and a couple of other prospects just appeared. 

 

 This.  I met my husband when I had stopped actively dating after getting tired of the whole dating scene.  I was just working, having fun with my friends, and enjoying life, and lo and behold, I started meeting interesting guys, including the man who would later become my husband.

 

I've heard it so many times from others as well - they met their significant other when they stopped trying "so hard" to be in a relationship.

 

And, FWIW (although we all know that anecdotes to not provide valuable data) just about every couple I know that was in a rush to marry after university, or in their early 20s, is now divorced.  The marriages that have lasted the longest are those who weren't in a big rush to tie the knot (I'm 41, so I've seen plenty of relationships in my peers come and go).

 

Also, most of my friends were in their 30s, some even in their early 40s, when they started having children.  All of them have healthy children, including a good friend who didn't have her two kids until she was in her early 40s.  Yes, the risk for certain conditions and diseases increases the older you get, but you aren't considered higher risk until you are 40+.

 

There are also plenty of us who live a very happy life without children.  I realize that most women do want to have children, but there are those of us who don't need children to have a very full, very fulfilling life.

[TakeruK]

What if I finally meet someone we date and it doesn't work?

I think this is a part of life! What if it does work and then something happens 10 years down the line? What if you spend the next 2 years solely focussed on finding a partner and succeed but then regret not developing your career further? What if I get my PhD and suddenly no one wants to hire me? Life is unpredictable and we cannot plan every important detail of our life, we don't have that level of control. Most of the things we do, most of the big decisions we make (such as getting married, having kids, going to grad school, etc.) are not guaranteed and there will be risks. There are not certain paths, that if you do X then you will get outcome Y. It is a part of life that we learn to realise what makes us individually happy so that even if finding a partner, finding a job, getting into grad school etc. does not work out, we can still be happy and figure something else out.

 

She has this awesome life but she's single.. She was engaged and they recently called it off. Now what happens to that lady? To me that is the worst thing that could happen, I can't even imagine it. So yes I want a lasting relationship but I would hope it would happen soon so if the relationship fails I won't have wasted a huge amount of time. Does that make sense?

 

Who would want to/be happy about being in your 40s (as a woman) and single with no children I just feel like that isn't something to be happy about and I personally can't imagine being happy about that. Everyone is different but I just want a family so much.

You keep saying that to you, these events are nightmare scenarios, which is completely valid. I would even agree with you that I would not want to be in such a position myself. However, I feel that you are also projecting what you want on other people with statements like "Who would want to ....". The answer is there are lots of people who would be happy with or choose to be in these scenarios! Just because it's not something you or I would personally be happy about doesn't mean that others can't be happy about it (and it doesn't mean that we can't be happy for others when they are happy with their lives being this way). 

 

I don't want people to think I am going to grad school specifically to find a husband, that would be stupid and a HUGE investment for just that.  I want to go to grad school and complete it and have a career that I love but ideally while I am doing that I hope to meet someone and start a serious relationship.  A lot of professionals are older when they get married and have kids but I really would prefer if that wasn't me.  I am not saying I want to get married tomorrow but I would hope by 30 I would be married at least if nothing else.

I agree with most of the sentiment here (except for the arbitrary "marriage by 30" deadline -- because it's arbitrary! what's so special about 30?). I feel like most academics put pressure on people, especially women, to not start a family until their careers are more established, citing reasons such as taking the time off will really lower your productivity when it needs to be the highest (e.g. grad school / post-doc / pre-tenure prof). However, I think that is the wrong attitude to take. I wish academia would recognise that people might not want to put their career ahead of their families and not punish people who choose to do so. My old grad school in Canada lets their PhD students take up to 2 years off (1 year per child) with partial pay and this pay and time off does not count against them in terms of years of guaranteed funding, years of TAing, time limits to degree etc. Many post-doctoral fellowships also include clauses for parental (both men and women) to take time off for family. I think the current attitude of academia where "if you take time off, you will fall behind" is a bad thing and I hope in the future, if a person took 2 years off to have a family, then their expected work output (# of publications etc.) should be as if they were in the field for two years fewer etc. This way, we don't have to lose bright people because they feel they have to choose either career or family!

[CageFree]

I want a lasting relationship. One that eventually leads to marriage and a family. My panic more than anything is because I think by 22 almost 23 you should have had a serious relationship.  

 

False. Plenty of people don't start having "serious" relationships until later in their 20s. My husband didn't until he was in his early 30s... too focused on other stuff. 

 

The other thing is that a relationship that might work at age 22 might not work at age 32. People change SO MUCH in their 20s. 

 

 A friend told me about her friend who is 38 lives in ca and is an attorney. She has this awesome life but she's single.. She was engaged and they recently called it off. Now what happens to that lady? To me that is the worst thing that could happen, I can't even imagine it.

 

 

What happens to "this lady?" She moves on. She goes back to focusing on her career, and seeks her own happiness. Maybe she'll meet someone, maybe not. Either way, her life isn't over simply because she "didn't get married." Given she is a mid-career lawyer, she probably has the resources to do other things she enjoys.

 

If that is, literally, the worst thing that could happen, you really need to rethink your priorities. There are FAR worse things that can happen to you than calling off a wedding after realizing you were about to make a mistake. One such example would be to actually MARRY that person, even though you knew it wasn't right. Another would be to marry only to realize afterwards that the person not right for you. Even worse would be to have children with that person, and thus be forced to continue some kind of relationship or connection. Ending an engagement is much better than a divorce. Trust me.

 

And worse than all of those would be to marry someone who isn't right for you, but stay with them regardless because of fear that you won't find better, only to let resentment and disappointment build over the years. Looking back at the past twenty, even thirty years and realizing that you could have been happy had you made a different choice... either to pursue a personal goal, or to wait to meet a person that is worth sharing your life with, rather than settle for the first "Mr./Ms. Maybe" that appeared to be interested (i.e. just to be in a relationship/married).

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWzLgWWu5wU

 

One more thing. Try this for perspective.

 

Let's say you met someone, and hit it off. Then he said, "I don't want you to finish grad school, I want us to get married and have a family."

 

Would you a) dump him and continue pursuing your goals, b ) do as he asked and quit, or c) quit for now, and hope you can go back in a few years?

 

If the answer is anything other than a), then grad school isn't your priority, and if that's the case, I would ask that you kindly let others to take your spot.

Edited November 11, 2013 by CageFree

[nugget]

In reference to one of your two past relationships that you mentioned.... If a man told me he loved me and could see himself marrying me after only 3 dates I think I'd run for the hills! Love takes time to develop. If someone is telling you these things right away I would doubt his sincerity about it. I might be pointing out something you are already aware of, but just in case.... Some men will tell you all the things they think you want to hear so they can get into bed with you faster and use you.

 

Do you really think someone could develop deep, everlasting love for you (the kind that will endure hardship and the ups and downs experienced in a marriage) after only 3 dates? I think this is highly unlikley. The dating period is an important time to test him out to see if he is the right fit for you and to find out if he is someone worthy of marrying you, and he should be doing the same when he is at the point of considering you as a future marriage partner. If you are dating someone and he is not the right match for you, you need to have the self-knowledge, personal integrity and the strength to end the relationship, rather than settle for someone who won't make you happy in the long run.

 

I think this is ultimately the reason why the woman in her 30s (who I believe you mentioned) broke off her relationship with her fiance. In the end, she wouldn't be happy by marrying him and being happy is more important than being married. Have you thought about why it would be more important for a woman to be married than to be happy? Or do you believe that happiness and marriage go together - if you are married than you will automatically be happy?      

 

I am concerned that you may possibly be so focused on pleasing other men and keeping them happy so that they will agree to marry you, without actually holding to your own standards of a future husband. Marriage doesn't just automatically lead into "happily ever after" like in fairy tales.

 

Have you given much thought as to where your ideas of marriage and family come from? I get the sense that some of these ideas about how you should be leading your life might not be your own and may come from somewhere else.

 

-You SHOULD have had at least 1 serious relationship by your current age

-You SHOULD get married by 25

-You SHOULD have kids by 30 years of age

 

You can add any other SHOULDS to this list.

 

Who says so? Who are you living your life for, anyway? Why is it so important to lead your life following a strict timeline when you are still so young? (Which, I think is worthy of pointing out, is reminiscent of the 1950s, and also predominant in certain Christian circles today. Perhaps these sources may provide further insight into where these standards you have for yourself are coming from).

 

I think it would be worthy to think about these things and to reflect upon the answers to these questions privately or discuss them with a trusted person.

 

The expression "Haste makes waste" currently comes to mind. I think important decisions such as marriage need to be made thoughtfully and carefully. If you rush through this process and force it to happen too quickly, you might end up unhappier than you are right now.

Edited November 11, 2013 by jenste

[LittleDarlings]

CageFree: I can honestly say I would not leave my grad program for a marriage offer.  I feel like whoever I was with would realize I am in school for a reason and would want me to pursue my goals.  MSW is a 2 year program so I can't see why that would even be an option, but no I would not leave.  I think in dating you obviously have to sacrifice and make stuff work and they would just have to make it work for 2 years. 

 

Jenste: In all honesty it is so weird that I have feelings like this because my parents got married at 30 had me at 35 and my brother at 39 and they have been married 27 years.  That should be my inspiration for why waiting and holding off can and does work right? I don't know where I get my ideas from, I think a lot of it has to do with friends who have boyfriends.   In high school I was never like this super confident girl I had a disability (obviously I don't want to use that as an excuse or anything) but I can acknowledge that it makes me feel less than.  I feel like if I get someone who actually is nice and accepts me and my disability I have to cling onto them and not let go because if they leave me then who else will want me. It is so stupid of me because there is always someone who is ok with it but to me it does not feel that way.  Anyways I have just grown up and my friends have all been or are in serious relationships so I felt like that was the norm.  I definitely don't want to rush into something because I want it to last.  Ideally I would have a family like my own.  

[TakeruK]

One more thing. Try this for perspective.

 

Let's say you met someone, and hit it off. Then he said, "I don't want you to finish grad school, I want us to get married and have a family."

 

Would you a) dump him and continue pursuing your goals, b ) do as he asked and quit, or c) quit for now, and hope you can go back in a few years?

 

If the answer is anything other than a), then grad school isn't your priority, and if that's the case, I would ask that you kindly others to take your place.

 

I agree with CageFree's comments in the post here but I just want to comment on this last thought experiment / scenario. I think this is a very important scenario to consider because it might be something that you do have to decide and it might be a tough decision when it comes to it (or it might be a very easy choice too). However, I don't agree that you have to know what you would decide right now! The scenario may never come up so there's not need for anyone to know exactly how they would choose before starting grad school. 

 

I also don't agree that if a student's answer isn't (A) then you are not committed enough to grad school in order to attend it. I agree that by definition, if a student does not choose (A) then grad school is not their #1 priority in life. However, I do not think grad school must be your #1 priority in life in order to attend graduate school. It should be one of several priorities but academics do not need to be devoted to their work, nor should they be expected to. We are not acolytes or apprentices or any kind of devoted follower. We are professionals working in our field like any other profession -- sometimes we love it, sometimes we hate it, sometimes we sacrifice for it, and sometimes we sacrifice it for other things.

 

There is nothing wrong with starting grad school, then finding that a new priority has come up and choose to go that path instead. For example, if my wife and I were to find out that if we want to have a family, we must start right now, I would probably drop out of grad school. Or, if I needed to go and take care of a family member. I think even if the student knows there is a chance that they would have to leave grad school, it should still be okay for the student to start the program and leave if it becomes necessary. Accepting an offer from grad school is not signing a contract that you will be there 100% of the time for the next N years. It would be poor ethics for a student to mislead a program and enroll in a program that the student has no intention of finishing, but if there is no certainty about leaving early then it's perfectly okay for the student to take the spot. No need to feel like the spot should have gone to someone else instead!

[CageFree]

A person who chooses B or C (or some version of that) is someone for whom grad school is a goal, rather than a backup, it seems unfair to take the the spot of someone who really wants to be there (and this is especially true in the case of funded programs, where you are essentially making a commitment).

 

Of course, plans and life change, and no one can foresee that, but if you know from the get-go that you will drop grad school when you "meet someone," because THAT was the goal in the first place, then the level of commitment simply isn't what it should be. Grad school isn't finishing school. 

Edited November 11, 2013 by CageFree

[CageFree]

CageFree: I can honestly say I would not leave my grad program for a marriage offer.  I feel like whoever I was with would realize I am in school for a reason and would want me to pursue my goals.  MSW is a 2 year program so I can't see why that would even be an option, but no I would not leave.  I think in dating you obviously have to sacrifice and make stuff work and they would just have to make it work for 2 years. 

 

Then I would simply focus on getting through those two years. If you meet someone, great. If not, that's fine too. Making "finding a husband" a priority is counterproductive. 

 

Not sure if you ever saw Sex and the City, but there was one episode where Charlotte had made husband-hunting a "job" of sorts. Kind of amusing.

[LittleDarlings]

Lol yes I've seen that episode, she found a husband though... It didn't last though lol

I feel like maybe I worded the topic badly or something but I am NOT going to grad school solely to find a husband, if I met someone I wouldn't drop out of grad school. That's a huge time and money commitment to just throw away if someone pops up. The whole point of my post was grad school will pose more opportunities to meet a husband compared to working... Especially since I haven't been able to find a job after graduation. That was the point not me just going to school to meet men I want more out of it than that.

Edited November 11, 2013 by Pinkster12

[TakeruK]

A person who chooses B or C (or some version of that) is someone for whom grad school is a goal, rather than a backup, it seems unfair to take the the spot of someone who really wants to be there (and this is especially true in the case of funded programs, where you are essentially making a commitment).

 

Of course, plans and life change, and no one can foresee that, but if you know from the get-go that you will drop grad school when you "meet someone," because THAT was the goal in the first place, then the level of commitment simply isn't what it should be. Grad school isn't finishing school. 

 

I agree that if I knew someone who intended to go into grad school with their first goal being to meet someone, I would recommend that they go elsewhere because I don't believe it's in their best interest to do this (not going to have that much chances to meet someone, and grad school is a pretty expensive thing to do to find a spouse). But, if that person still believes it's in their own best interest to do so (for whatever reason) then I think it's fine for them to apply. And if they get accepted, then it means they deserve the spot and should go. That student has fairly won the opportunity to attend that graduate program, so it's not unfair at all for them to take it. Level of commitment/devotion to the field isn't a pre-requisite to get into grad school (and even if it was, how would you even measure that!). In my opinion, grad school positions are just like any other job. If Person A is more qualified for Job X than Person B, even though Person A might just want to take the job in order to live in Location Z in order to achieve Goal Y (e.g. find a spouse, make a connection whatever), then Person A would probably get the job over Person B, even if Person B genuinely wanted the job for the job itself. It's not unfair for the company to hire Person A over Person B.

 

Also, accepting a funded program's offer is not a long term commitment. When you sign the "accept" line (or tick the box etc.) you are not committing to finishing the degree. At least, not for the programs I was considering anyways. As long as I finish a semester, I can drop out and not have to repay any of the funding paid to me for the time that I was working at the school. Obviously, I would not be entitled to the funding I would receive for the time I have left in the program. Some programs have TA commitments that you are contractually obligated to fulfill in order to receive the funding, so those will need to be satisfied or face whatever consequences the contract stipulates. 

[CageFree]

Lol yes I've seen that episode, she found a husband though... It didn't last though lol

I feel like maybe I worded the topic badly or something but I am NOT going to grad school solely to find a husband, if I met someone I wouldn't drop out of grad school. That's a huge time and money commitment to just throw away if someone pops up. The whole point of my post was grad school will pose more opportunities to meet a husband compared to working... Especially since I haven't been able to find a job after graduation. That was the point not me just going to school to meet men I want more out of it than that.

 

 

I think some of your initial posts definitely gave the impression that you were prioritizing finding a "husband" over everything else, especially because you expressed a lot of anxiety over aging (at 22!).  But now that it's all sorted out, just remember that there is no hurry. Use your "single" time to develop yourself and see the world. It gets much harder to do those things once you have people depending on you.

Edited November 11, 2013 by CageFree

[mandarin.orange]

Anyways Mandarin, do you ever worry a little that you won't find someone? 

 

What an interesting (and, ahem, telling) follow-up question...I actually just passed the 5-year mark with my fantastic BF.

I guess describing myself as "unmarried" means I'm single/alone/no prospects...and anxious about this? 

 

Of all the things in life, I have always felt that planning marriage, love and a relationship is the stickiest. I have many friends who would make great parents, and were eager to do so, and it just didn't work out. Your degree, staying fit, travel, career, and generally being awesome: barring any family or health crisis, that's largely up to you. 

[LittleDarlings]

Ok see now here is the tricky part. You all are (or most of you who replied) in relationships. And by 22 you were in those relationships or 23. I will be 23 in December. I honestly respect all of your opinions but it is easy to tell me not to rush and stuff when you are in a relationship that will likely less to marriage. That is one less thing that you have to worry about. I don't want to seem like I don't get it because I do but you all are in relationships and long term relationships or married or married with kids so of course you don't care about the plight of single me. To me it is something you already have but if you didn't have it you would probably worry assuming it's something you care about. Does that make sense?? Anyways I just know I will hopefully go to grad school out of state and it gives me a chance to grow up and meet new people and I hope that some of those new people I meet are single men who want relationships

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Ok see now here is the tricky part. You all are (or most of you who replied) in relationships. And by 22 you were in those relationships or 23. I will be 23 in December. I honestly respect all of your opinions but it is easy to tell me not to rush and stuff when you are in a relationship that will likely less to marriage. That is one less thing that you have to worry about. I don't want to seem like I don't get it because I do but you all are in relationships and long term relationships or married or married with kids so of course you don't care about the plight of single me. To me it is something you already have but if you didn't have it you would probably worry assuming it's something you care about. Does that make sense?? Anyways I just know I will hopefully go to grad school out of state and it gives me a chance to grow up and meet new people and I hope that some of those new people I meet are single men who want relationships

I'm not in a relationship. I'm 27. Three more years till I'm 30. Really hope I'm not married with kids by then. 

[CageFree]

I, for one, was not in any 'serious relationships" at age 22. I dated off and on, but I didn't meet my first husband until I was 25, and got married shortly after turning 28. And you know what? Even that was too early, which is why I ended up having to start again at 33. I remarried a year ago. If I wanted kids (I don't), I could easily start having them now. 

 

I've never had a dating profile on a website, I've never done speed-dating, and I've never even asked someone out in my life. I did not meet any of my "significant" relationships through school or through work... I've ALWAYS met people at parties where my only purpose was to have fun and make friends. I've just never put any effort into "finding a mate." I can't speak for everyone else who has replied here, but it seems that other people who are in long term relationships have similar advice for you. The fact that I or some other people on here are in long term relationships should validate, rather than invalidate, our input. Don't you think?

Edited November 12, 2013 by CageFree

[mandarin.orange]

you don't care about the plight of single me. 

 

On the contrary, I've been amazed at the response generated in the 24 hours between the posts I've made this weekend. There are many here (a few quite long-time grad-cafers) who've taken the time to write incredibly articulate responses, about experiences close to home for them (i.e. their romantic life) in the hopes that it will help shift your perspective. Four pages of replies in a week is quite voluminous for gradcafe.

Sorry it hasn't been helpful for you.

[juilletmercredi]

Ok see now here is the tricky part. You all are (or most of you who replied) in relationships. And by 22 you were in those relationships or 23. I will be 23 in December. I honestly respect all of your opinions but it is easy to tell me not to rush and stuff when you are in a relationship that will likely less to marriage. That is one less thing that you have to worry about. I don't want to seem like I don't get it because I do but you all are in relationships and long term relationships or married or married with kids so of course you don't care about the plight of single me. To me it is something you already have but if you didn't have it you would probably worry assuming it's something you care about. Does that make sense?? Anyways I just know I will hopefully go to grad school out of state and it gives me a chance to grow up and meet new people and I hope that some of those new people I meet are single men who want relationships

 

I'm telling you not to rush BECAUSE I was in a relationship at 22, not in spite of it.  I am a completely different person now than I was at 22, and I was extremely lucky in that my husband's personality changed along with mine and that we managed to make it work between us and are happy.  I actually met my husband in high school.  People are always like "oh, that's so cute!"  But I wish that I had spent more time in college focusing on myself, developing myself and really making lasting friendships, maybe participating more in clubs that I wanted to do.  I don't really have a lot of close friends from college as a result, and I didn't do some of the things I really wanted to do in college and immediately thereafter because I wanted to make him happy.  And when you're 22, making your partner happy means throwing yourself into a relationship in a totally unrealistic way.

 

Only after we backed off a little (in my mid-20s) did we really find our footing in the relationship and feel truly ready to get married.  We were both more confident, more settled in our identities, and had more life experience.  He got to travel the world with the military and I really found myself in grad school.  And as a result of backing off more, I DO have more friends in grad school and have been able to invest myself really intensely into this process to make myself a competitive candidate.  You find yourself in a whole different way in your mid-20s, regardless of what you are doing at the time.

 

I used to hate when people said this to me but I'm going to say it anyway because it turned out to be true: it's really difficult for you to understand it at your vantage point, because you are young.  When you are 22, 30 seems like a really long way away; so far the time has been passing relatively slowly, and 30 just seems so old and so long to wait for something that you really, really want.  But as you get closer to 30 (usually between ages 24 and 27) you start to realize that 30 is not that old.  If the average lifespan is around 80, when you turn 30 you still have about 50 more years of living to do.  A woman's fertility doesn't really start to steeply decline until her late 30s/early 40s, so even if you are almost 23 you have a good at least 15 more years of fertility to have children.

[Caylynn]

Ok see now here is the tricky part. You all are (or most of you who replied) in relationships. And by 22 you were in those relationships or 23. I will be 23 in December. I honestly respect all of your opinions but it is easy to tell me not to rush and stuff when you are in a relationship that will likely less to marriage. That is one less thing that you have to worry about. I don't want to seem like I don't get it because I do but you all are in relationships and long term relationships or married or married with kids so of course you don't care about the plight of single me. To me it is something you already have but if you didn't have it you would probably worry assuming it's something you care about. Does that make sense?? Anyways I just know I will hopefully go to grad school out of state and it gives me a chance to grow up and meet new people and I hope that some of those new people I meet are single men who want relationships

As I mentioned before in this thread, all the people I know who were in a rush to get married after university or in their early 20s all ended up getting divorced.  Those who waited longer (I didn't meet my husband until I was 27) have had much more successful marriages.  As others have said, people do grow and change a lot in their 20s.

 

When I was 22, 23, I actually didn't have a boyfriend.  At 22 I was still doing my undergraduate studies (we had grade 13 in Ontario when I went through high school, so I didn't start university until I was 19, since we had to do grade 13 to be able to apply to university studies).  At 23 I was starting my first job, too busy getting settled with that and making new friends to worry about a boyfriend.

 

Enjoy your time in grad school.  Meet new people, socialize as much as you have time for, but don't go in with the mindset that you will meet your future husband.  That will likely not be successful.  If you go in with the mindset that you are open to meeting new people and enjoying grad school as much as you can, you are far more likely to meet someone.  If you meet someone and end up in a longterm relationship, then great.  If not, you still have plenty of time.  Don't try to rush things - that usually don't work.  Let things happen naturally.  Be open to meeting new people and new experiences, but don't try to force or rush anything.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

As I mentioned before in this thread, all the people I know who were in a rush to get married after university or in their early 20s all ended up getting divorced. Those who waited longer (I didn't meet my husband until I was 27) have had much more successful marriages. As others have said, people do grow and change a lot in their 20s.

When I was 22, 23, I actually didn't have a boyfriend. At 22 I was still doing my undergraduate studies (we had grade 13 in Ontario when I went through high school, so I didn't start university until I was 19, since we had to do grade 13 to be able to apply to university studies). At 23 I was starting my first job, too busy getting settled with that and making new friends to worry about a boyfriend.

Enjoy your time in grad school. Meet new people, socialize as much as you have time for, but don't go in with the mindset that you will meet your future husband. That will likely not be successful. If you go in with the mindset that you are open to meeting new people and enjoying grad school as much as you can, you are far more likely to meet someone. If you meet someone and end up in a longterm relationship, then great. If not, you still have plenty of time. Don't try to rush things - that usually don't work. Let things happen naturally. Be open to meeting new people and new experiences, but don't try to force or rush anything.

You mention most people you knew who got married in their early 20s ended up getting divorced and those who got married later didn't. I agree, but it's funny, I knew a lot of people who got married at like 18-19 (not early 20s) and they ALL got divorced within a few years. Not really sure why I only had friends who got married that early and not in their early 20s. Maybe it was because I was in the military when I was 18. A lot of military people tend to be somewhat traditional when it comes to family/wife/kids and whatnot. I was the opposite. I was hella immature in the military (still am) while all my friends were looking for wives. Also, I was stationed in Alabama (which was different for me because I was born and raised in Brooklyn) and a lot of people in Alabama, military or civilian, were traditional and got into serious relationships at an early age. Personally, I think getting married at 18 is insane. You're a kid. I'm 27 and I feel like a kid. Fortunately, all my really good friends are immature like me. I have a feeling I'm gonna feel out of place when I start grad school. I took a few grad classes as an undergrad and the majority of the students were around my age but married with kids and just took things too seriously. I'm going off on a tangent. I guess my point is, I want to enjoy my youth for as long as I can. I like being selfish and barely having time for anyone else. I'm young and I need to develop myself and my skills as much as I can before it's too late. You're young too (the OP), so just focus on yourself and, like other people have said, you'll probably find someone when you're not even looking. Edited November 12, 2013 by JoeyBoy718

[SocGirl2013]

Hey, I haven't read the whole thread so I apologize if this has already been discussed, but have you tried online dating? If not, it's a great tool that many, many young professionals use (I don't think there is any stigma attached to it in 2013, I know at least 2 wonderfully happy married couples who met this way).

Why not start now, and when you get to grad school, you can focus on grad school 100% without having to worry about your social circumstances.

[LittleDarlings]

Question, everyone basically has said when I am not looking for it it'll find me. Some also suggested dating sites. I have been on and off dating websites since I was like 19, I can't even imagine not being on one. I said at one point I would delete all of them and I did then like 2 weeks later I got bored and made them again. If I am not looking and it is going to find me then dating websites would be considered me looking right? But people actually find their soulmates sometimes on dating websites. So idk what I should do. I can't imagine not looking I don't even know if I have enough stuff to keep me busy enough to not look. What does "not looking" look like?

[St Andrews Lynx]

 What does "not looking" look like?

 

It's simple, really. 

* Delete your dating sites. 

* Look around and realise that possession of a boyfriend isn't the be-all-and-end-all of your existence.

* Invite your friends to do stuff with you - go to nice restaurants, visit a nearby city, bake cakes. Whatever is fun, makes you laugh and makes you feel grateful for having such awesome friends. 

* If you don't have friends to do stuff with you...ask some cool-looking people you know to do the same stuff. 

* Instead of spending your time browsing online dating profiles or going on dates: take up a new hobby or sport. Join something social, like a book club or soccer team. Be willing to try new things & step out of your comfort zone. 

* Learn to enjoy your alone-time. Hot baths, cooking yourself a nice meal, watching your favourite movies. 

* Work on whatever insecurities you have. If you are terrified of public speaking, join a toastmasters society. If you think you are shy, learn a martial art or something badass to boost your confidence.

* Turn yourself into the kind of well-rounded, likeable person that blokes would rush to date. Your comments about the "plight" of being single and fears of turning into an old, infertile maid once you hit 24 suggest a certain lack of emotional maturity. The kind of blokes looking for a long-term, serious relationship are the ones who value maturity in their prospective partners. 

 

 

For reference I am single, female, aged 24, in grad school. I'm ambivalent about marriage and children (sure, if I find the right guy...but if I don't then that's fine too). The notion that I might be worried about "getting lonely" is mystifying - I've got enough friends that I see on a regular basis, if I want more company then I'll just take up a new hobby. Grad school is stressful enough as it is without this whole "I've got to find a husband in x years" charade.

[socioholic]

Relationships are the easiest thing to talk about thus the large amount of comments; I think it's a little misleading to say "don't look."

 

I understand the concept; there's a good chance your enthusiasm and eagerness to have a relationship will be rewarded with liars, guys who take advantage and a whole lot of resentment after the fact.

 

When I decided finding a mate was a priority- a good mate- I looked. I'm not the type to just wander and wait for things to happen. But for me that meant putting myself out there enough to have to new experiences where I would meet new people. Through going out more with your friends, finding new hobbies, and getting involved in events you will expose yourself to more people and- more guys. (And I actually met my husband through an online dating site.) So it kinda all happens together.  Make sure you have a life, don't spend too much time with guys who want to "hang out" (since you actually want a relationship), and you'll be fine. And gosh darnit, you're 22- are you done partying already?