Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

[angesradieux]

Just now, stereopticons said:

@angesradieux I'm so sorry you are having to put up with that. You have to make your own decisions and it's not fair to you. Pets are family, of course you're going to factor them in! I won't apply for on campus housing because I'm bringing my cats with me (plus on campus housing is usually more expensive). My mom is similar, I just haven't been giving her any information to work with and I don't live near her, so she doesn't know what I'm wearing. Still, she's like, you need to pick a school that's close to me so you can take care of me. It sounds like you are not in a situation where you can avoid it, and I'm sorry for that. You can always vent here!

Thanks. I told her on campus housing was expensive. She didn't believe me and looked up housing prices at one of the schools I'm considering. And then she started going on about how it wouldn't be expensive if I had a roommate, and I should have a roommate, because she thinks it would be a huge mistake for me to live alone. Apparently she thinks I can't handle living by myself and will end up having a mental breakdown? When she started looking up on campus housing prices, I was like can we please just take a step back? I haven't even visited these schools yet, much less committed to one. I'm not doing the whole apartment hunting thing when I don't even know what state I'm going to end up in. I don't know. I know it's a big decision, and I'm not opposed to getting advice. I just wish she'd let me ask for it when I want to talk. Because the other issue is I don't want to be thinking about logistics all the time, which is what ends up happening when I keep getting jumped on. I'd like to have time to take a step back, relax, and think about other things. Yes, visits are coming up. Yes, it's going to be hectic. And yes, eventually decisions do have to be made. But I don't necessarily think I need to figure everything out immediately.

At one point today she asked me when I planned on moving. I'm like how am I supposed to know? I don't know what school I'm going to, when leases start, or even when classes begin. I presume it will be the end of August, but beyond that? I have no clue. But she wants a ballpark estimate so she can get tickets for a show in August. But I honestly have no idea specifically when in August this is going to be happening. I can't possibly know that yet.

I still live at home so unfortunately I can't really get away from the constant harping on me about grad school decisions. I may just start spending a lot of time at the mall.

[rheya19]

33 minutes ago, angesradieux said:

Thanks. I told her on campus housing was expensive. She didn't believe me and looked up housing prices at one of the schools I'm considering. And then she started going on about how it wouldn't be expensive if I had a roommate, and I should have a roommate, because she thinks it would be a huge mistake for me to live alone. Apparently she thinks I can't handle living by myself and will end up having a mental breakdown? When she started looking up on campus housing prices, I was like can we please just take a step back? I haven't even visited these schools yet, much less committed to one. I'm not doing the whole apartment hunting thing when I don't even know what state I'm going to end up in. I don't know. I know it's a big decision, and I'm not opposed to getting advice. I just wish she'd let me ask for it when I want to talk. Because the other issue is I don't want to be thinking about logistics all the time, which is what ends up happening when I keep getting jumped on. I'd like to have time to take a step back, relax, and think about other things. Yes, visits are coming up. Yes, it's going to be hectic. And yes, eventually decisions do have to be made. But I don't necessarily think I need to figure everything out immediately.

At one point today she asked me when I planned on moving. I'm like how am I supposed to know? I don't know what school I'm going to, when leases start, or even when classes begin. I presume it will be the end of August, but beyond that? I have no clue. But she wants a ballpark estimate so she can get tickets for a show in August. But I honestly have no idea specifically when in August this is going to be happening. I can't possibly know that yet.

I still live at home so unfortunately I can't really get away from the constant harping on me about grad school decisions. I may just start spending a lot of time at the mall.

Obviously I've never met you or your mom, but it sounds like you two have trouble setting boundaries between your life and hers. Arguing or even explaining your reasoning behind your decisions might just encourage her to argue with you further. Instead of justifying your decisions, you might just have to start saying something to the effect of, "I understand you're concerned, but I've made my decision on this." Period. The end. And if she continues, repeat it again, no raised voice, no anger. And if she still doesn't stop, then just change the subject or, if you have to, politely excuse yourself from the room. Make your boundaries clear, and don't argue with her about things that are clearly your choice.

Many years ago, I used this strategy with my dad, and it worked. He couldn't argue with someone who didn't argue with him back or dismissed his researched suggestions outright (but dismissed them gently and politely, always.)

[2017 Applicant]

I 100% agree with @rheya19's advice. I'd even go so far as to say excuse yourself from the house - absolutely do go to the mall, or a coffee shop, or somewhere you can relax and have time to yourself.

I struggle with a controlling parent, too. When I was younger it used to be easier to just give in, but now I really regret setting that precedent. Luckily I don't live at home anymore. Haha I remember early in high school I thought I would apply to a few colleges close by because I couldn't deal with the stress of living on my own. By the time I had to apply to colleges, any school less than a two-hour drive from home was not an option.

[SocCog]

@angesradieux Just adding in my condolences. I live with my mom as well, and she has been very supportive through all of this. But I get my neuroticism from her, so she's also very involved. (To the point of constantly browsing gradcafe and figuring out my username. Hi Mommy! Privacy, please?) But she's even crazier than me at the moment. I check my email about 20 times a day and yet she is constantly asking me if I've checked my email. I got my first rejection (albeit I thought it was an acceptance and woke her up at 6am only to re-read it and realise it was a rejection) and she immediately started looking into masters programs and figuring out what I'm going to do if I don't get in anywhere. I have 11 more schools (albeit 2 I'm assuming are no's based on my correspondences.) 

I also can relate with the cat thing, except I can't bring my cat. She's staying with my mom. She is currently my best friend - oh the joys of applying to grad school - and I am going to be heartbroken without her. I am 100% getting a cat within my first year of grad school, no matter what. 

I'm not sure where the suit thing came from. Having talked to my mentors from undergrad, grad student friends, and my mother's professor friends, none have mentioned a necessity for suits. It's been a lot of "don't be someone you aren't". I'm not the type of person who would ever wear a dress suit. Slacks and sweaters are my thing. I spent WAY too much on grad visit clothes (including an $80 coat!) because a lot of my schools are covered in snow and it's almost impossible to find even sweaters in LA...and I don't even have an email or phone call, let alone a visit. Now I'm venting. Blehhh. 

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

I totally get the mom thing. I live at home now, because it made it possible to get my MA, but for a time I lived 6 hours away by car. My parents helped me move and when we got to the apartment, before I had even stepped foot in it, my mother showed herself around the entire place and then started telling me where I needed to put all my furniture and stuff. Eventually I snapped and said something like "or I can put it wherever I feel is best" and she stopped being as controlling in her advice. She still sends things to me on Facebook, including articles about how girls with nagging mothers are more successful. -__-

I do love my parents and tell them a lot of the details of my day, but I also don't tell them about any big plans I have until I've worked out some things (usually). For instance, I told them I was going to Japan about a month before the visit when my plane was already booked. I told them about applying to PhD programs after I'd decided on the schools, my tentative research topic, etc.

I also understand the cat deal. Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage are my orange tabbies and I'm not going to move somewhere without them. They're also 15 lbs each so trying to squeeze them into a carrier small enough for flying regulations is just not going to happen.

[Musick]

Here's a vent...

So many people on this forum get self-righteous about how people react to rejections. Why? I don't really think it's the right idea to go around telling others how they should feel. I make it a policy not to do that. I think it helps some people here feel better about their own rejections if they convince themselves they're doing a better job reacting to it than others are. Competitive even after the competition huh?

[Black Beauty]

6 minutes ago, Musick said:

So many people on this forum get self-righteous about how people react to rejections. Why? I don't really think it's the right idea to go around telling others how they should feel. I make it a policy not to do that.

I do not believe people get self-righteous about how one reacts to rejection. Rejection hurts and each of use deals with rejection in our own way.

The problem, from what I have observed from these forums, is when one attempts to smear a school because he or she did not receive an acceptance.

[Musick]

4 minutes ago, Black Beauty said:

I do not believe people get self-righteous about how one reacts to rejection. Rejection hurts and each of use deals with rejection in our own way.

The problem, from what I have observed from these forums, is when one attempts to smear a school because he or she did not receive an acceptance.

Hmm... what's the sample size of reactions to reactions to rejections that you have observed? Anyway you just did it yourself actually. I think if someone wants to remind themselves and suggest to others what's not good about a particular school they were rejected from, that's perfectly fine. It's informative and useful and makes that person and possibly others in the same situation feel better.

Of course if you describe it with the word "smear" it seems bad. "Don't yell at me."

[Bibica]

16 minutes ago, Musick said:

Here's a vent...

So many people on this forum get self-righteous about how people react to rejections. Why? I don't really think it's the right idea to go around telling others how they should feel. I make it a policy not to do that. I think it helps some people here feel better about their own rejections if they convince themselves they're doing a better job reacting to it than others are. Competitive even after the competition huh?

I think you're letting the light ribbing of the Best Rejection Reactions thread get to you too much. It doesn't really matter, and no one is telling you how to feel. We just personally think it is silly to badmouth a school that didn't let you in. But if you want to do that you can, just like we can make fun of a public reaction if we want to. Going to every single forum where it is mentioned to defend yourself does make it seem that you care a lot more about it than you led on in the results page. The fact is that you did come across as pretentious to many people. But again, it doesn't matter.

Remember that for a lot of people, the school you applied to is their dream school and, especially if they did get in, they probably don't like someone shitting all over the program. 

[Musick]

Just now, Bibica said:

I think you're letting the light ribbing of the Best Rejection Reactions thread get to you too much. It doesn't really matter, and no one is telling you how to feel. We just personally think it is silly to badmouth a school that didn't let you in. But if you want to do that you can, just like we can make fun of a public reaction if we want to. Going to every single forum where it is mentioned to defend yourself does make it seem that you care a lot more about it than you led on in the results page. The fact is that you did come across as pretentious to many people. But again, it doesn't matter.

Remember that for a lot of people, the school you applied to is their dream school and, especially if they did get in, they probably don't like someone shitting all over the program. 

Are you following me around the forum talking about this? Why do you care so much? If it's that person's dream school, great, I'm happy for them. I only speak for myself when I badmouth the school. Why should they care so much what I think? By the way... you assume that I'm just talking about the "Best Rejections..." thread, but in fact at least one of those users has been chiding me in other threads and downvoting all of my posts.

Maybe I should have pursued a career in writing instead if I'm this good at getting so many opinions raging and emotions boiling over a few sentences I typed. I'm flattered.

[Bibica]

Nope, just so happens that I follow both of these threads, having commented on them before, and have been receiving more updates than usual today  So I got curious as to what all the fuss was about. I did downvote one or two of your posts on the Best Rejections thread, because I thought you were being condescending. Your reaction on the results page was anonymous, so it isn't like you had to go around and find all these instances of it being mentioned and defend yourself. No one needed to know how the rejection affected you, specifically.

I don't know about any of the other posts or online debates you've been in, and I'm sincerely sorry if you feel like you're being targeted, because this forum has been a huge source of solace for me, but if you're the common denominator in all this negativity then that should maybe signal something?

 

[Musick]

4 minutes ago, Bibica said:

Nope, just so happens that I follow both of these threads, having commented on them before, and have been receiving more updates than usual today  So I got curious as to what all the fuss was about. I did downvote one or two of your posts on the Best Rejections thread, because I thought you were being condescending. Your reaction on the results page was anonymous, so it isn't like you had to go around and find all these instances of it being mentioned and defend yourself. No one needed to know how the rejection affected you, specifically.

I don't know about any of the other posts or online debates you've been in, and I'm sincerely sorry if you feel like you're being targeted, because this forum has been a huge source of solace for me, but if you're the common denominator in all this negativity then that should maybe signal something?

 

Oh I'm having a great time here. But I feel sorry for everyone who takes everything so seriously... for our own happiness we should all think about the good we now have access to where we got accepted, and the bad we dodged where we got rejected. I don't personally perceive any negativity, but I'm sorry if you do and I've been a contributor.

[Bibica]

@Musick Fair enough, let's agree to disagree. I really like this thread and don't want it getting locked for something that doesn't matter to either of us  

[Musick]

Just now, Bibica said:

@Musick Fair enough, let's agree to disagree. I really like this thread and don't want it getting locked for something that doesn't matter to either of us  

I'm not aware of what you think we disagree about. But I'm not going to insist that you continue to engage if you're uncomfortable.

[Black Beauty]

24 minutes ago, Musick said:

It's informative and useful and makes that person and possibly others in the same situation feel better

Bad-mouthing a school after one receives a rejection may make one feel better but that feeling will be short-lived.

And, exactly what type of useful information can one acquire about any school based on an emotional response to rejection?

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

Yay for not getting another thread locked! I would suggest everyone read fuzzy's advice that they posted when they locked that thread. It's a good reminder.  

Today I'm going to vent that I have a ton of work to do and very little time to do it in. This seems to be a normal vent for me, haha.

Also, my cats are fighting on the bed right next to me... -__-

[Musick]

1 minute ago, Black Beauty said:

Bad-mouthing a school after one receives a rejection may make one feel better but that feeling will be short-lived.

And, exactly what type of useful information can one acquire about any school based on an emotional response to rejection?

Are you suggesting the feeling needs to be anything other than short-lived?

Let's be clear that it is you talking about emotion, I did not suggest that was the part of the response that people could get something from. But from that, cameraderie, commiseration, etc...

What I was actually referring to is the information about why I'm okay with the rejection, the comments about the school. My words were "academic circle jerk". I think those were the words that upset some people here, as in academia, formality fetish is unfortunately common.

Anyway, I think for people who hope that their research activities and things they produce will impact others and greater society... it's very important for them to tread carefully with programs that favor "progress" and "innovation" that are not connected to benefiting others, either in or beyond academia. I find that this is especially a risk in the fine arts as well as more theoretical disciplines.

[Bibica]

@GreenEyedTrombonist SAME! I recently changed the topic of my senior thesis (two months before it is due, whoops). I alluded to this fact when I last spoke with my adviser, but I wanted to have chapters 1 and 2 done at least before telling him in plain English. Hopefully he won't be too mad then if I give the appearance of being on track

The effect of this, unfortunately, is that I have to stay behind during my school's short February break to work on this stupid paper, and have to watch my SO and friends go out to get tacos while I sit here with my paper and some sad ramen.

[stereopticons]

I'd like to vent about how I just found out that I have bronchitis. I probably had it while I was interviewing so now I'm worried I got all of my interviewers and hosts sick and they are going to reject me because of it. 

@Bibica now I want tacos. 

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

@Bibica bah! Yeah, this is my last semester and I want to hand in 3 chapters (half my final report) on Monday. I still need to write 3k original words and edit all the material I have for 2 of those chapters. Plus 2 homework assignments, sending out my main deliverable, etc... There's not enough chocolate in the world to combat my stress at the moment, haha.

[Musick]

11 minutes ago, Bibica said:

 

The effect of this, unfortunately, is that I have to stay behind during my school's short February break to work on this stupid paper, and have to watch my SO and friends go out to get tacos while I sit here with my paper and some sad ramen.

You should probably eat healthier... it will make your paper better. You know, Maslow's hierarchy, bro.

[SocCog]

15 minutes ago, Musick said:

You should probably eat healthier... it will make your paper better. You know, Maslow's hierarchy, bro.

Ahh. I hate Maslow. But totally seconding the eating better. Vitamins are important. Brain fuel and all.  Nothing wrong with junk food, in my opinion, but it should be a treat/snack, not a meal.

 

Today's vent is just that I, yet again, have not heard anything from any school. Sigh. Also I missed my chance to go to the store while it wasn't raining, so I didn't go at all. Yesterday it rained 4 inches and a sink hold opened up about half a mile from me and sucked in 2 cars. 

Edited February 19, 2017 by SocCog

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

Might I suggest happy ramen? Real ramen can be delicious and not nearly as bad for you as the packets you can get to make at home. 

Now I want to go to a ramen or noodle place.  

[Bibica]

Haha thanks for the advice, y'all. Don't worry, I don't feast on ramen and stress exclusively. Basically follow an 80/20 diet. Fruit and yogurt for breakfast, salad or a wrap or something for lunch, and usually lean meats, whole grains, and veggies for dinner. Ramen with egg + green onions is an occasional salty treat .

[angesradieux]

The heels of my shoes wear unevenly -.- I was out today and we did a lot of walking, and my feet started killing me in shoes that I can usually wander around in without a problem. I had no idea why. Suddenly at the end of the day, I was standing around, and I realized I was having a hard time staying balanced. What do you know? The heels had become uneven, causing my feet to twist with each step. Guess I have to replace them now, because I can't walk very much in them anymore. I'm a bit annoyed. These are my go-to shoes when I need to wear a heel. But I guess it also explains why my hips started hurting. Poor alignment for an extended period of time will do that, I guess.

I can't be too annoyed, though. I got to go to New York to see what was the best performance of The Phantom of the Opera--a musical which literally changed my life and is a big part of the reason I'm where I am, applying for PhD programs--that I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. So I guess the day was worth the irritation of the pain and ruined shoes, but I'm still a little sad about having to replace them.