Relationships in Academia

[Crucial BBQ]

There is some great advice in here.  Here is what I'd like to add:

 

1).  You need to have a well defined end result that both of you agree upon.  I am just going to be blunt; if you are "letting things happen as they may", or, "we'll see how things go" you are setting yourself up for a crash course in disappointment.  With a relationship were the two of you live in the same town, or perhaps under the same roof, you two are moving towards a common goal: marriage, "life partners", kids, a house, and so on.  There is an agreed upon end result.  There also needs to be an agreed upon end with the LDR, too, and you both need to constantly discuss this end-goal to make sure you are on the same page and moving towards it.  Otherwise one of you will drift away.   

 

I know; not you and your SO....

 

2).  You need to establish regularity and a pattern. It's one thing if you text and Skype each other all day long, it is another when you set aside a specific time on a specific day that is just for the two of you.  It may sound redundant if you talk to each other all day anyways, but let me tell you; having that one specific time every week that is "our" dedicated time really is a big deal. 

 

3).  Have date nights.  it may seem odd to have a date night when the two of you are so far apart, but it can be down.  You can watch a movie together with Skype active on your laptop or your phone on speaker so you can share in the moment with other.  Or play an on-line game together.  Etc. 

 

4).  Tell each other...everything.  

 

5).  Keep in mind that all the normal relationship stuff will happen.  You will still fight.  You will still get jealous.  You will still....

For those of you who aren't yet doing long distance but are considering it (ie in the school/job application stage): why not work your career around your relationship instead of the other way around?

 

If you're committed enough to not want to break up, then don't even go into a long distance relationship.  If you're going to be apart for multiple years, what is the point of the relationship?   (If it's a short set of time apart with a defined end, then I can see it being worth it).  Find a way to make it work in the same location.  If not now, you two will have to figure this out down the line.  I doubt it gets easier for these things to work themselves out. 

For me personally, because these things were in place before I met the girl.  I know this is not going to sound romantic at all, because it isn't, but I had to learn the hard way that fairy tale romances are just that...fairy tales.  I gave up some stuff that was really important to me for the girl.  In the end....well, I felt like a sucker.  

[Crucial BBQ]

By the way:  there is a DerpTastic and a PHDerp.   Both users are from the East Coast and both have similar fishy avatars.

 

Are ya'll related?  

[PhDerp]

By the way:  there is a DerpTastic and a PHDerp.   Both users are from the East Coast and both have similar fishy avatars.

 

Are ya'll related?  

 

Nope! I didn't know DerpTastic was from the east coast, either.

 

I chose this user name after seeing something cute, I think it was "PhDreams", so I decided to do a similar kind of thing, only sillier. Then I saw that a magikarp was already taken as an avatar, so I playfully one-upped it.

 

I'm just unoriginal. x)

[sorairo]

the "two body problem"

 

^ move to the centre of mass frame

 

Seriously though, I'm glad I found this thread! My SO and I are headed for grad school in Boston/NY in the fall (after dating for pretty much our entire undergrads), and we've been talking a lot about the possibility of an LDR. We think the most important thing is that both parties be totally intent on making it work, or there's no point to trying it at all. Other than that, setting guidelines for frequency of contact so it doesn't just fall off as we get busier.

 

It's scary and we both know it'll be hard, but reading all your posts gives me a lot of hope

Edited April 2, 2014 by sorairo

[maelia8]

Not to rain on any parades here, but I just got into a PhD program many states away from my bf, who has to stay where we are now to finish his own grad school, and we decided to break up rather than try a long distance relationship for several years. We've been together 2 years so it wasn't an easy call, but ultimately, we think we'll be happier being single, focused on school, and not making each other wait years until we could settle. After all, one never knows where they will go after the PhD program is done, so there's no guarantee we'd be in the same place even after those 6 years.

 

I live in Germany, got into a Ph.D. program in California, and faced this same decision with my current bf. He is just finishing up his MA, but he wants to start his career here, not in the USA (where it would be really hard for him to get a visa and find a job), and I wasn't willing to give up my offer to stay here in Germany with him. Both of us hated the idea of long distance (we've been together for a year and a half), so we have decided to end the relationship for similar reasons to those you've listed, alwaysbeenastorm. It's been hard knowing that the planned termination of our relationship is looming in a couple of months, but we are doing our best to enjoy the time we have left and have generally been pretty successful so far. It's all about being mentally prepared and learning to let go when it's time - sometimes you just have to face the music and realize that ending the relationship will be the best thing for all parties involved, even if it doesn't feel so great right now.

[ArthChauc]

I just want to add to this already amazing thread with my own "graduate school LDR" story. Mine is probably a little different than those being discussed now, but I thought it might be worth sharing. 

 

I met my fiancé during undergrad while I was dating someone else--I was at a party at his house, I thought he was cute, he got my number and called me the next day...but I didn't answer. I was already in a relationship and didn't trust myself to be loyal because I attracted to this guy (now my fiancé), so I ignored his calls. Despite this, we were Facebook friends and I always found him to be self-depricatingly funny and found his humor charming.

 

This past winter, we ran into each other at a wedding of a pair of mutual friends--at this point, it had been five years since we'd seen each other and he was living across the country for work while I was in graduate school, midway through my masters. We ended up spending time together while he was in town and texted constantly after he returned to work eight hours away. From there, our relationship bloomed and between the research papers, mountains of books, and ridiculous schedule, we made something out of what seemed like nothing. 

 

This continued for a year and a half. Since, due to a lucky loophole with his job, he's been able to be here ("home" with me) almost every weekend. I know, in this way, I'm more fortunate than most but what I can say is this: we turned less than 15 hours of time together into a full-fledged relationship with nothing more than Skype, texts, and phone calls within the first three months of seeing each other. Sure, I procrastinated from time-to-time to see his face on Skype and yes, I made up for it with all nighters and too little sleep, but I did what I could to make it work. 

 

Now, as I'm finishing up my masters and will begin my Ph.D this fall, we are looking forward to closing the distance for good. I applied to places where he could transfer for work and, luckily, I was accepted to a fantastic program in a city where he'll be working in just a month. While I'm relieved that we'll finally get to do menial, boring things together like complain about bills and who's hogging the blanket because that means we'll finally be together for good, I know that I owe our relationship to the distance that separated us a year and a half ago. That distance meant that our interactions were always engaged and interesting because we had no other choice. It meant that we spent more time sharing and responding than we did staring at computer screens or TVs when we were both done with work. It meant that any "in person" relationship we had would have been first built upon communication and trust. 

 

I know things seem hard, impossible even, when you imagine distance between you and the person you love. Trust me, I've been there. But I also know that if two people are open, honest, determined, and committed, they can make things happen. I truly believe that if you have the wherewithal to get graduate degree, you have the ability to make an LDR work--all it takes is two people willing to try. 

 

That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. 

[VulpesZerda]

Personal situation...hoping this is an okay place to ask about it. No one in my real life knows what to tell me!

 

Right now I'm narrowing down my selection of programs for 2015 admission (PhDs). Some of my good matches are pretty far away, and some are a distance I am happy with (1.5 hours). I'm worried that my potential one acceptance could be at the program that is geographically furthest, which would set me up for a six year LDR. My SO is not interested in moving...I think he's scared to leave behind his tiny family and his friends. Would it be stupid of me to decide where I apply based on another person's input? I don't want to miss an opportunity to get in. I value my career and relationship equally. I can't seem to get the words out of my mouth when my advisor asks me about certain programs. I want to say "oh, no, great match, but too far away for the SO" - I just feel like he would give me "that look" because I'm young.

 

My SO and I have discussed our future together, but we are very young. I wonder if 22 is too young to expect someone to drop everything and move across the country with me. We have been together for nearly five years, though. Plus, my mom is begging me not to go and that's just making it all worse. I'm looking to see if anyone has been in the situation? 

[TakeruK]

Would it be stupid of me to decide where I apply based on another person's input? I don't want to miss an opportunity to get in. I value my career and relationship equally. I can't seem to get the words out of my mouth when my advisor asks me about certain programs. I want to say "oh, no, great match, but too far away for the SO" - I just feel like he would give me "that look" because I'm young.

 

My SO and I have discussed our future together, but we are very young. I wonder if 22 is too young to expect someone to drop everything and move across the country with me. We have been together for nearly five years, though. Plus, my mom is begging me not to go and that's just making it all worse. I'm looking to see if anyone has been in the situation? 

 

In response to the bolded question (bold added by me), my answer is "not if you made the choice for yourself to consider this person's input". I would say that as an independent person, everyone should have the freedom to make their choices based on what they care about. So I would say to try to not to worry about what others think about whose inputs you consider as long as you know that considering these inputs are what make you happy!

 

For me, I would say that my wife and I had equal say in where I went for a PhD. I only applied to places that both I was interested in and my wife was also interested in the location. After visiting (some visits were done with my wife too) we made the final decision together. I informed all of the schools that this was a decision made by both of us and many schools made efforts to provide useful information for my wife as well!

[GreenePony]

3).  Have date nights.  it may seem odd to have a date night when the two of you are so far apart, but it can be down.  You can watch a movie together with Skype active on your laptop or your phone on speaker so you can share in the moment with other.  Or play an on-line game together.  Etc. 

 

...

 

5).  Keep in mind that all the normal relationship stuff will happen.  You will still fight.  You will still get jealous.  You will still....

 DH and I lived apart some summers when I was in undergrad. It's sounds corny but we had movie nights out- we would coordinate showtimes that closely matched each other, talk on the phone until the previews started, then call each other when it was over. Though we made the awful decision of watching Up. Absolutely awful decision, thankfully I was pretty much the only one in the theatre so no one could see (or hear) me sniffling.

 

And fights... they happen. Don't do what I did and purposefully ignore their calls because you're mad at them. DH got so worried, he thought something happened to me.

 

Obviously LDR (for 3 months at a time) worked for us - though DH did drive 21 hours with one day's consideration because he couldn't handle it one time (thankfully, he didn't try that when I was in Guate.) And I have several military couple friends who have survived deployments to high risk areas. It's tough but it can work.

 

 

My SO and I have discussed our future together, but we are very young. I wonder if 22 is too young to expect someone to drop everything and move across the country with me. We have been together for nearly five years, though. Plus, my mom is begging me not to go and that's just making it all worse. I'm looking to see if anyone has been in the situation? 

 

I married at 21 so keep that in mind. After I finished undergrad (DH was 4 years ahead of me), DH became a contractor for his company and moved with me several states away from his family, friends, and his job. It has been tough for him at times, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't regret it. When applying for jobs and the program I'm in now, I do keep his comfort in mind (he's not a country boy )

Edited April 27, 2014 by GreenePony

[rising_star]

 My SO is not interested in moving...I think he's scared to leave behind his tiny family and his friends. Would it be stupid of me to decide where I apply based on another person's input?

Would it be stupid? No. But, if your SO is scared of moving soon-ish, do you ever think that will change? Because, if not, you have to seriously consider what your career prospects are in that area or if you'll do LDR for years. In my experience, the people I was dating that weren't interested in moving for my career or research were basically telling me that they weren't that serious about me, although never in those words. They were unwilling to make any compromises so all of the compromise would've come from me giving up my research or my degree or my career path to accommodate them. Not saying your experience is or will be the same, just that it's something to keep in mind. FWIW, one of my relationships ended because I decided to move far away for my PhD. I gave that SO an opportunity to have a say in the decision and they ceded it to me, which made it clear (to me) that they didn't much care about our future together since several of those options were within a 3-4 hour drive of their location. Another relationship ended in part due to the prospect of me moving away for research and the SO's lack of desire to come with (even though I had sufficient grant money to cover both of our expenses). Again, showed me they were unwilling to make any compromises and I'm unwilling to be the only one making sacrifices in a relationship.

[Maleficent999]

I'm in a weird position at the moment and could use someone's experienced advice. I'm currently living with my SO. We did long distance for 2 years while I was in undergrad and when I graduated I moved back to my hometown and in with him while I took this year off to apply to grad school. I had a great job in the town where I went to college that would've extended past graduation but I gave that up to come be with him on the agreed upon condition that if I got into grad school this year, he would move with me. Well, now that time has come and he has decided that he doesn't want to move. The school I'll be attending in Fall is only 3 hours away but I told him a long time ago that I never wanted to do long distance again. It was really hard for us and I think it made my undergrad experience less fulfilling (I really didn't socialize much with my peers). I have very bitter, angsty feelings toward him for going back on his word even though I understand that he'd probably be miserable if he moved with me. Thus, I feel like a long distance relationship would just crash and burn if we tried again anyway. We are now basically living together for 4 more months knowing that at the end of it we will be breaking up and I'll be moving away. So here is my concern: Is it worse to endure a tumultuous long distance relationship in my first year of grad school or to deal with the massive life change of a break up a month before classes start?

[fuzzylogician]

So here is my concern: Is it worse to endure a tumultuous long distance relationship in my first year of grad school or to deal with the massive life change of a break up a month before classes start?

 

If it were me, I'd choose to end the relationship when I moved, and spend the rest of the time before then mentally adjusting to that thought as best I could. Starting grad school will be an adjustment period anyway and I think it'd be better for you not to lose that first year (or however long it takes for the relationship to finally end) trying to keep the relationship alive instead of making connections in your new location and concentrating on classes. An LDR is hard enough when everyone is very committed, and I think it's pretty much impossible otherwise. Seems to me it makes more sense to minimize the time to the end of the relationship and to make the transition as painless as it can be, given the circumstances. A move is a natural way to make that transition, in my opinion.

[Maleficent999]

If it were me, I'd choose to end the relationship when I moved, and spend the rest of the time before then mentally adjusting to that thought as best I could. Starting grad school will be an adjustment period anyway and I think it'd be better for you not to lose that first year (or however long it takes for the relationship to finally end) trying to keep the relationship alive instead of making connections in your new location and concentrating on classes. An LDR is hard enough when everyone is very committed, and I think it's pretty much impossible otherwise. Seems to me it makes more sense to minimize the time to the end of the relationship and to make the transition as painless as it can be, given the circumstances. A move is a natural way to make that transition, in my opinion.

 

Thank you. That is pretty much where I'm at. I didn't think twice about ending it until recently when I started wondering if I'm being selfish. I tell him I love him and yet I'm not willing to give long distance a try. Then again, he's not willing to be outside of his comfort zone so I guess we've both decided other things are more important to each of us than our relationship.

[maelia8]

@Maleficent999, please don't feel bad about your decision! I am in a relationship right now with someone I love, but I'll be ending it in two months when I move for grad school, because both of us know that long distance (across continents/oceans, for an unknown period of time) is not something that we want). Beating yourself over the head for it is not worth it, and it is perfectly within your rights to say that you love him but that you aren't willing to give long distance a try. There are many different types of love, and not all of them involve compromise or sacrifice in a relationship. If you feel it's not right for you, then you don't have to give anything up that you feel might negatively affect your move/early grad school experience. I think the move will be a good way to have a clean break and move on in a way that is healthy for both of you.

[Maleficent999]

Thank you! That's very good advice. I'm sorry you're going through this too but it's nice to know I'm not alone in the decision. I do think it'll be hard at first but I think I'll be happier in the long run. If he's making such a big deal about a 3 hour move then it would only be cruddier to stay together for 5-8 years and then break up when I have to (hopefully) move again for a job. Good luck with your move! I won't be too far away from you. I'm attending UC Davis in the Fall, which is about an hour and a half away by car.

[VulpesZerda]

Thanks for the replies!

 

Would it be stupid? No. But, if your SO is scared of moving soon-ish, do you ever think that will change? Because, if not, you have to seriously consider what your career prospects are in that area or if you'll do LDR for years. In my experience, the people I was dating that weren't interested in moving for my career or research were basically telling me that they weren't that serious about me, although never in those words. They were unwilling to make any compromises so all of the compromise would've come from me giving up my research or my degree or my career path to accommodate them. Not saying your experience is or will be the same, just that it's something to keep in mind. FWIW, one of my relationships ended because I decided to move far away for my PhD. I gave that SO an opportunity to have a say in the decision and they ceded it to me, which made it clear (to me) that they didn't much care about our future together since several of those options were within a 3-4 hour drive of their location. Another relationship ended in part due to the prospect of me moving away for research and the SO's lack of desire to come with (even though I had sufficient grant money to cover both of our expenses). Again, showed me they were unwilling to make any compromises and I'm unwilling to be the only one making sacrifices in a relationship.

 

I would assume career prospects will be good in our area...lots and lots of colleges that I could potentially teach at one day (too bad none of them have a PhD for me, lol). And I think it would be nice to live here post-graduation to be close to my family, too. I think moving with me for grad school is definitely one of the better options. I'd get to see him frequently, and would go to whatever school I want. He just thinks that's an extremely unreasonable request, given that his career dreams are more along the lines of moving up the ladder in one company, aka never quitting his job. So, looks like it's either going to be a LDR, or one of us altering our career goals. Unfortunately it's not fair to choose who gets to have theirs stay in tact. We're so happy in our relationship that I don't really see breaking up as one of the likely scenarios, but I suppose no one wants to think about that. Thanks for your insight!

 

I married at 21 so keep that in mind. After I finished undergrad (DH was 4 years ahead of me), DH became a contractor for his company and moved with me several states away from his family, friends, and his job. It has been tough for him at times, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't regret it. When applying for jobs and the program I'm in now, I do keep his comfort in mind (he's not a country boy )

 

That's very nice of him! I made the assumption that my SO would do that...but I guess he doesn't want to. That makes me look like the bad guy for leaving him behind, though. Although he has known for quite some time that I would be applying to graduate school. I talk about it constantly.

 

In response to the bolded question (bold added by me), my answer is "not if you made the choice for yourself to consider this person's input". I would say that as an independent person, everyone should have the freedom to make their choices based on what they care about. So I would say to try to not to worry about what others think about whose inputs you consider as long as you know that considering these inputs are what make you happy!

 

For me, I would say that my wife and I had equal say in where I went for a PhD. I only applied to places that both I was interested in and my wife was also interested in the location. After visiting (some visits were done with my wife too) we made the final decision together. I informed all of the schools that this was a decision made by both of us and many schools made efforts to provide useful information for my wife as well!

 

That's awesome advice and really makes me feel better. Even though there are certain programs that I really want to apply to, maybe my side of the compromise should be considering his input and altering my list. I think I would have tried to go about this in the way you did, by seeing if he was interested in certain locations, but unfortunately, our home town seems to be the only place. And there is simply no research match in the entire state that I live in. So I'm not sure where he is going to "draw the line". Thanks again!

[TakeruK]

Thank you. That is pretty much where I'm at. I didn't think twice about ending it until recently when I started wondering if I'm being selfish. I tell him I love him and yet I'm not willing to give long distance a try. Then again, he's not willing to be outside of his comfort zone so I guess we've both decided other things are more important to each of us than our relationship.

 

I also want to say that I don't think you are being selfish at all (if you are, then he is as well for being unwilling to move). I think if the best thing for you is to go elsewhere for grad school and the best thing for him is to stay and you have both decided that these things are more important than your relationship, then it sounds like you are making the right decision (not that you need me to agree with you of course ). But I just want to say that you don't have to feel selfish!! Sure, some people are judgmental and will consider you selfish for not prioritizing a relationship but our lives don't have to be defined by whether or not we are in a relationship if we don't want it to be!

 

That's awesome advice and really makes me feel better. Even though there are certain programs that I really want to apply to, maybe my side of the compromise should be considering his input and altering my list. I think I would have tried to go about this in the way you did, by seeing if he was interested in certain locations, but unfortunately, our home town seems to be the only place. And there is simply no research match in the entire state that I live in. So I'm not sure where he is going to "draw the line". Thanks again!

 

Glad that was helpful! I reread your first post and want to say that my wife (but we weren't married at that time) and I were also 22ish and had been together for 5 years ish when we made the first move for me to do a MSc. It was in the same country but a really long distance away (we're much closer to home now even though we live in the US!) and it was scary. I think it really helped her to go on the visit with me and see what these places are like. She wasn't against moving though, so it's not the same situation. 

 

For your situation, I think it is a little bit naive for someone to say their home town is the only place they want to live especially if that is the only place they have lived in as an adult. To me, complete unwillingness to compromise sounds immature. But maybe there is something else going on that I don't know about so I will refrain from judging further!

 

What I can say is that maybe Fall 2015 feels so far away so it is hard for him to think about what life might be like in a different place in Fall 2015. You probably won't have to start working on applications until Fall this year. My advice would be to spend the next few months seriously talking about the fact that you want to go to grad school and that this will require moving out of the state. Hopefully he will warm up to the idea and realise how important this is to you and maybe he will be more open to considering other places. If you are able to, maybe you can even make a trip out to one of these places as a mini vacation. Eventually, maybe not until Spring 2015, but eventually, it might come down to a serious conversation about what is important to each of you and then I think it's best to decide on what will make you most happiest and not worry about what others might think.

[VulpesZerda]

Glad that was helpful! I reread your first post and want to say that my wife (but we weren't married at that time) and I were also 22ish and had been together for 5 years ish when we made the first move for me to do a MSc. It was in the same country but a really long distance away (we're much closer to home now even though we live in the US!) and it was scary. I think it really helped her to go on the visit with me and see what these places are like. She wasn't against moving though, so it's not the same situation. 

 

For your situation, I think it is a little bit naive for someone to say their home town is the only place they want to live especially if that is the only place they have lived in as an adult. To me, complete unwillingness to compromise sounds immature. But maybe there is something else going on that I don't know about so I will refrain from judging further!

 

What I can say is that maybe Fall 2015 feels so far away so it is hard for him to think about what life might be like in a different place in Fall 2015. You probably won't have to start working on applications until Fall this year. My advice would be to spend the next few months seriously talking about the fact that you want to go to grad school and that this will require moving out of the state. Hopefully he will warm up to the idea and realise how important this is to you and maybe he will be more open to considering other places. If you are able to, maybe you can even make a trip out to one of these places as a mini vacation. Eventually, maybe not until Spring 2015, but eventually, it might come down to a serious conversation about what is important to each of you and then I think it's best to decide on what will make you most happiest and not worry about what others might think.

 

Good points, thanks again. I suppose more than anything this situation will just motivate me to try extra hard to get into that top-of-my-list program that is 1.5 hours away. If that happened, the problem would more or less go away! :-)

[GreenePony]

That's very nice of him! I made the assumption that my SO would do that...but I guess he doesn't want to. That makes me look like the bad guy for leaving him behind, though. Although he has known for quite some time that I would be applying to graduate school. I talk about it constantly.

You're not the bad guy for furthering your career, at least in my book. Relationships are about compromise, it's not like it's a permanent move to the far off yonder (necessarily) so there's a chance you could end up closer later on down the road.

I mentioned before, when making life altering decisions I did consult DH on his opinions (he won't drive in snow) but he also wanted to keep in mind the best programs for my success. My first choice program was in the middle of no where, where it snowed a lot, but is one of the best in the country. He was supportive, but not thrilled about that move (I did promise we wouldn't stay there after graduation.)

(I should add that DH gets paid significantly more as a contractor, and gets to work in his PJs so he did sort of come out ahead with this move)

[Maleficent999]

I also want to say that I don't think you are being selfish at all (if you are, then he is as well for being unwilling to move). I think if the best thing for you is to go elsewhere for grad school and the best thing for him is to stay and you have both decided that these things are more important than your relationship, then it sounds like you are making the right decision (not that you need me to agree with you of course ). But I just want to say that you don't have to feel selfish!! Sure, some people are judgmental and will consider you selfish for not prioritizing a relationship but our lives don't have to be defined by whether or not we are in a relationship if we don't want it to be!

You're right, a relationship isn't my priority and I do feel like I get a bit of flack for that because I'm a woman. If it were him moving for a job, I'd be the jerk for not going with him and I think it'd be expected for me to do so. For me, it's hard to imagine ever prioritizing a relationship over my own happiness and that's kind of a scary thought because ending up alone, while I'm personally okay with it, comes with all kinds of stigma I'm not quite willing to face yet.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Maleficent999

[rising_star]

I would assume career prospects will be good in our area...lots and lots of colleges that I could potentially teach at one day (too bad none of them have a PhD for me, lol). And I think it would be nice to live here post-graduation to be close to my family, too. I think moving with me for grad school is definitely one of the better options. I'd get to see him frequently, and would go to whatever school I want. He just thinks that's an extremely unreasonable request, given that his career dreams are more along the lines of moving up the ladder in one company, aka never quitting his job. So, looks like it's either going to be a LDR, or one of us altering our career goals. Unfortunately it's not fair to choose who gets to have theirs stay in tact. We're so happy in our relationship that I don't really see breaking up as one of the likely scenarios, but I suppose no one wants to think about that. Thanks for your insight!

 

If I were you, I wouldn't assume this. Yes, there are lots of schools in your area. But, are those schools likely to have tenure-track openings or would you be adjuncting at several of them to cobble together a living? At what stage are the current faculty in your area at in their careers (are they nearing the end and thus near retirement or are they just starting out in their careers)? How desirable is the location for other academics (which affects how many people would apply for any job openings in the area)? While it would be nice to be in the area and near family, you must also be realistic about how difficult that is if you also want to be an academic. I say this because if you're limiting yourself to only applying for jobs in that area, you are less likely to succeed in academia. Your field of psychology is a highly competitive one. This will give you an idea of how many academic jobs were available in your subfield this year. 

 

I realize this sounds harsh but you have to reality check yourself here. If you really want to stay with your SO, at some point, career compromises will likely have to be made. It is unlikely that you will both get into a nearby PhD program and get a TT job in the area so that your SO never has to leave their hometown. It's not impossible but the odds are astronomically stacked against it happening. If your SO is really never going to move, even if their desire not to move compromises your career, then you will have to make a decision about love vs. career basically. And, from your posts, it sounds like you'll need to make that decision about a year from now.

 

I should add that my current SO and I are in a LDR and that's fine for now. Neither of us is willing to give up our research or career in order to move where the other is but we both also know that this isn't a permanent situation. In reality, one of us is going to have to compromise somewhat in the near future if we want to live closer together but we knew that from the time we started dating and we're okay with that. You can make a LDR work if both sides want it to. We do, and so it does work for us. That said, I wouldn't be with my SO if they didn't agree to our current long distance arrangement.

[maelia8]

You're right, a relationship isn't my priority and I do feel like I get a bit of flack for that because I'm a woman. If it were him moving for a job, I'd be the jerk for not going with him and I think it'd be expected for me to do so. For me, it's hard to imagine ever prioritizing a relationship over my own happiness and that's kind of a scary thought because ending up alone, while I'm personally okay with it, comes with all kinds of stigma I'm not quite willing to face yet.

 

Your post could be my diary entry - are we the same person? My boyfriend is actually just about to start his career after finishing school and I feel like I've definitely gotten some flack for moving away to start grad school rather than staying with him while he starts his career. I don't think I could ever prioritize make major sacrifices like that for a relationship, and I bet it's one of those things where you shouldn't do it unless it really, really feels right and you're sure of the decision. If you have any doubts, they will just turn into regrets later. I think at our age and point in life it's perfectly acceptable to make (sometimes selfish) decisions to follow your solo happiness, and it's too early to start worrying about stigma yet

[VulpesZerda]

If I were you, I wouldn't assume this. Yes, there are lots of schools in your area. But, are those schools likely to have tenure-track openings or would you be adjuncting at several of them to cobble together a living? At what stage are the current faculty in your area at in their careers (are they nearing the end and thus near retirement or are they just starting out in their careers)? How desirable is the location for other academics (which affects how many people would apply for any job openings in the area)? While it would be nice to be in the area and near family, you must also be realistic about how difficult that is if you also want to be an academic. I say this because if you're limiting yourself to only applying for jobs in that area, you are less likely to succeed in academia. Your field of psychology is a highly competitive one. This will give you an idea of how many academic jobs were available in your subfield this year. 

 

I realize this sounds harsh but you have to reality check yourself here. If you really want to stay with your SO, at some point, career compromises will likely have to be made. It is unlikely that you will both get into a nearby PhD program and get a TT job in the area so that your SO never has to leave their hometown. It's not impossible but the odds are astronomically stacked against it happening. If your SO is really never going to move, even if their desire not to move compromises your career, then you will have to make a decision about love vs. career basically. And, from your posts, it sounds like you'll need to make that decision about a year from now.

 

I should add that my current SO and I are in a LDR and that's fine for now. Neither of us is willing to give up our research or career in order to move where the other is but we both also know that this isn't a permanent situation. In reality, one of us is going to have to compromise somewhat in the near future if we want to live closer together but we knew that from the time we started dating and we're okay with that. You can make a LDR work if both sides want it to. We do, and so it does work for us. That said, I wouldn't be with my SO if they didn't agree to our current long distance arrangement.

 

Thank you for that link. Although being a professor would be the obvious career choice, I plan to do applied research, and am hoping there are some other possibilities to explore. We will have to see how it goes. A LDR sounds fine to me, to be honest. As long as he is on the same page as me commitment-wise, I don't see it being detrimental. We don't see each other as often as most couples we know as it is while living 10 minutes apart (2x per week).