How to come out to your lab mates and advisor?

[EngineerGrad]

Hi guys, I have recently started working at my advisor's lab and everyone is really nice in there. I love my job, and we all hangout, go out for lunch together, etc. They are really nice lab mates and i enjoy working there.

The thing is that they don't know I'm gay, nor that i have a boyfriend. My partner and I live together, and i'm struggling to hide this from my lab mates. I always have to come up with excuses to miss social events because i don't want to leave my partner behind...

The thing is that I am in engineering and, well, let's face it... There are very few gay guys in the field. I have a good relatipnship with them and I don't want to risk it by coming out. I also don't know how my advisor would react... He seems to be quite conservative.

Anyone in the same shoes who wants to share the experience? Is it worth it coming out to your fellows? Or should I keep professional and personal life apart?

[spectastic]

Hi guys, I have recently started working at my advisor's lab and everyone is really nice in there. I love my job, and we all hangout, go out for lunch together, etc. They are really nice lab mates and i enjoy working there.

The thing is that they don't know I'm gay, nor that i have a boyfriend. My partner and I live together, and i'm struggling to hide this from my lab mates. I always have to come up with excuses to miss social events because i don't want to leave my partner behind...

The thing is that I am in engineering and, well, let's face it... There are very few gay guys in the field. I have a good relatipnship with them and I don't want to risk it by coming out. I also don't know how my advisor would react... He seems to be quite conservative.

Anyone in the same shoes who wants to share the experience? Is it worth it coming out to your fellows? Or should I keep professional and personal life apart?

imo, safest thing to do is wait and get to know everyone better

Edited June 28, 2014 by spectastic

[St Andrews Lynx]

Even if there are few (out) gay Engineers, it is likely that your labmates will have friends, acquaintances or even family members who are gay. Or at least they will know *of* gay people. So it might not be that big of a deal for them.

 

I can't help but think that it might get harder for you to come out to them the longer you leave it. Just mention at some point in a conversation that you have a boyfriend, the way that straight people tend to mention their SOs. If you laugh & shrug if off like it's no big deal, then the labmates aren't going to see it as a big deal, either.

 

As for your advisor, I don't think you need to tell him directly. But if he can't accept you for what you fundamentally are...is his personal opinion really worth caring about?

[Eigen]

I don't think engineering is all that different from Chemistry, and we've had quite a few openly gay guys in my department, and in my group, all of whom have been very well accepted. 

 

I would agree with St Andrews Lynx- don't try to hide it. 

 

You don't need to "come out" to them, just act like they knew you were gay and it's natural, and bring your boyfriend along to something, imo. 

 

I know a number of out, gay engineers in grad school that also have no problems. 

 

Unless you've caught a strong vibe that your lab wouldn't respond well, or your department is particularly problematic, I would just assume it's not going to be an issue. 

[fuzzylogician]

I'm not gay and don't have any personal experience of anything similar to share, but I have friends who are gay and family members who are gay, so I've watched people struggle with this. What St Andrews Lynx says above is very true -- the more you wait, the harder it'll be to come out. People will have adopted preconceptions of you that will be hard to change, and some people might even feel that you've deceived them by maintaining those preconceptions.

 

I'm trying to think about how I came to know that some of my not-so-close acquaintances were gay. I think the most common ways were either through posts on social media that mentioned the SO or showed pictures of the person and the SO together, or the person just brought their SO up in casual conversation, using a gendered pronoun that made it clear that the person was of the same sex. This involves sort of acting like people already know, and just being very natural and matter of fact about it. If you don't make a big deal of it, most people will just take it for granted that that's how things are. In that kind of situation, I tend to assume that I should have already known this and just accommodate this new information. I think I prefer this approach much more than a direct 'coming out' conversation, which can be uncomfortable for some, and puts in the center of the discussion something that should just be taken for granted and no one should get to judge or question. If/when you're feeling more comfortable with your friends, I think you should ask whether you could bring your SO to social events (or just do it, if that's the norm others have been adopting!)--you should not be missing out because you don't want to leave your SO home! 

 

Re: your advisor, being from a country where gay people are discriminated against or even persecuted by the state does not by any means entail that your advisor shares those beliefs. I would not assume anything about him just because of his origin. I would still not have a formal 'coming out' conversation with him, though, because that might put him on the spot and have unintended negative consequences. Your private life is not really any of his business, though not something to hide either.

[spunky]

Well… I am gay and started off in a field somewhat similar to yours (Statistics). It was… a little difficult, at first, because I didn’t know how these things worked and my advisor at the time was born in a place where homosexuality is very much frowned-upon (and by that I mean you either go to jail or get killed). I think I took the approach fuzzylogician suggested of making things just very casual. Like: “What did you do last weekend? –Oh, my boyfriend and I went rafting. It was very fun, what did you do?” and just leave it at that. No grand coming out moment or anything. I’m not sure whether my previous advisor not like it or simply didn’t care (he never brought the subject up and I was too afraid to say anything so I never brought it up personally either). I do know, however, that when I transferred programs he wrote a very nice letter of recommendation for me.

 

You won’t be able to keep your personal and professional life apart for long, though (unless you’re willing to isolate yourself from everyone in your program) so the sooner this is a non-issue the better. 

Edited June 28, 2014 by spunky

[Lifesaver]

I am a firm believer that if you make it into a big deal, others will make it into a big deal. Even if it's not a commonality in your department, as someone above stated, you're probably not the first gay person they ever encountered. And, assuming they're all big boys and girls, I can't imagine it being an issue. I have worked with a handful of homosexuals, as well as a handful of religious southerners, all at the same time. While one group may not have necessarily agreed with the lifestyle choices of the other group (and certainly vice versa), everyone got along just fine. Everyone respected each other as professionals and as people. When we have functions outside of work where it is appropriate to bring spouses, everyone brings theirs, regardless of their sexuality. So, rock on, bring your partner. Don't make a big fuss. Introduce him like you would anyone else. I highly doubt any grown person is going to make a huge scene and start screaming, "OMGGGG YOU'RE GAAAAYYY?!?!?!?!" And if they do, please kick them in the shins for me.

[GeoDUDE!]

Half of my lab group (geophysics) is gay. You should be fine.

[Between Fields]

Being gay, you learn that you're constantly either coming out to new people, or closeting yourself. There's never going to be a moment where it's "done" and you're "out." Try to get a feel for people, and see if it seems right for you to mention your boyfriend. You may find that it's easier to come out to certain people, than to send an email to the listserv or something like that. I'm in English, which is one of the most accepting fields for this sort of thing, but I still don't make a point of mentioning it to everyone, especially since I'm single. In a few classes, I mentioned it when it was relevant, but most of my professors didn't know explicitly. (Probably implicitly, because I can be pretty sassy, and all that...) 

 

It seems like you think you might get a negative reaction from your labmates? You're the best person to judge that. Ideologically, I think everyone should be out all the time, but it's ok to self-closet if you feel like you need to for professional reasons. If people really want to spend time with you, though, and you don't want to leave your partner out, don't. Bring him along. See what the initial reaction is, and you can decide how much you want to come out, or if it's better to do something else. Also figure out what your partner wants; some guys are fine being introduced as the roommate or friend, but many wouldn't. 

 

As for your advisor, until you get to the point where you're talking in a more social setting, I personally wouldn't mention it. I don't really like my professors knowing too much about me, though. 

 

So, there's no easy answer. Do it on a case-by-case basis and trust your instincts. We always have to decide to whom and to what degree we're out of the closet, and you don't have to do it all at once.

[samiam]

Does your school have a gay student support group? Might be worth having a chat with them, as they may have a sense of what the reaction might be in your department.

[Shouta Misaki]

It seems you're already having to tip-toe around the matter of your sexuality with your advisor and lab mates - sounds like a good thing to get off your chest...eventually. I agree that you should be subtle about it, and that the more you wait to bring it up, the harder it'll be. I'd just advise getting to know the group a little better first. Of course, it shouldn't be a problem at all, especially in a professional environment, but it can really help (for me at least) to have some idea regarding their general thoughts on the subject beforehand so you know what you're getting yourself into.

[Quantum Buckyball]

Half of my lab group (geophysics) is gay. You should be fine.

 

I need to transfer to your program. jk.

[GeoDUDE!]

I need to transfer to your program. jk.

 

if you need to to suffix something witih "jk" it's probably not funny. (though I am moving labs because I graduated) 

[reinhard]

Why do you feel you needed to come out?

[Vene]

Why do you feel you needed to come out?

I think that this is the answer to your question.

 

My partner and I live together, and i'm struggling to hide this from my lab mates. I always have to come up with excuses to miss social events because i don't want to leave my partner behind...

[Lifesaver]

Why do you feel you needed to come out?

Really, bro?

[spectastic]

we want to think we live in a world where people aren't presumptuous, but that's not true. that's why I think it's better to just get to know everyone better first before getting into something personal like this.

 

 

 

and I wouldn't say engineering is very similar to chemistry in this regard. there's a traditional perception that the men in engineering all have wives at home and bring home the bacon. I'm sure there are gay people where I work, but I wouldn't know them if they were talking to me face to face. Maybe part of that has to do with being in a conservative and slightly redneck region of Texas... But generally, I see engineering as a less homo friendly field. 

Edited June 29, 2014 by spectastic

[St Andrews Lynx]

If the OP is at the point where they report missing social events (plural), then I think they have been there long enough to at least mention that they have a boyfriend. Especially since it sounds like its making life awkward for the OP and his partner.

 

Given the hetereosexuality is a highly non-personal thing (heterosexuals talk about their partners to strangers in the queue at Starbucks! and wear "Will Sell Boyfriend For Chocolate" t-shirts), I think that a declaration of homosexuality can be as personal or as public as the individual so wishes. If the OP mentions that he has a boyfriend and the lab mates suddenly get presumptious...well, that's their problem and their loss. They can then start to go about finding a new and better group of (non-Engineering) friends to have lunch with. 

[random17]

As a disclaimer, I'm generally out in all aspects of my life, so it completely never occurred to me to hide that from my supervisor and labmates, and I currently live in Toronto, which is very liberal in this regard. I'm also a gay women, so my experiences are likely slightly different.

 

Posters upthread recommended waiting a while to gauge what people's responses are going to be like, but, personally, I never do this. People generally assume I'm straight, and I find it much less awkward to have them find out I'm gay early on, rather than telling them after we've known each other for months/years. 

 

Consequently, with new people that I know I'm going to see again (like when I joined this lab), I typically make a point of mentioning my wife in conversation. I've never sat down and had a conversation in which I explicitly tell someone I'm gay, but it comes up pretty naturally, i.e. the response to "I heard you moved here from City X, what were you doing there" is "Oh, my wife was doing her Master's so we lived there for a year and we both loved it!" or at a lunchtime chat about what everyone's weekend plans are "My wife and I are thinking about going hiking with our dog. Anyone know any good trails?"

 

Like some other posters said, I never act like it's a big deal and usually no one treats it as such. Sometimes they'll do a double-take, but generally it's no different than if I'd mentioned my husband. With my supervisor, I ran into some of the usual awkward responses (telling me about other lesbians she knows so I would know she was okay with it, checking to make sure I wasn't insulted when she complained about her neighbors, who happened to be lesbians, etc.) but by this point in my life, a) I'm used to that and she got over that in a couple months.

 

I'm the only out person in the group of 5 chemical/physical/life sciences labs that I generally spend time in, but either no one cares or they're polite enough not to mention it to my face. For all I know my very religious labmates or the visiting post doc from a conservative country don't approve, but they act the same with me as with the male grad students who talk about their wives, so I really don't care.

 

 

 

 

 

[raneck]

I'm in the somewhat awkward position in my lab group where I am out... but still nobody knows.  We do not have frequent (or really, any) social events, and there is little discussion of personal lives.  It literally has never come up.  I only know that two of the other grad students are married because they had to take time off in the summer to go back to their home countries for the weddings.  One of them had gone back to get his visa renewed and happened to come back with a wife   I am not even sure that HE knew he was getting married.

 

So, short of randomly announcing my sexuality... status quo remains

[danieleWrites]

I'm older and my major is chock full of non-heteronormative folks. Even the hetero ones. However, I'm married to what amounts to a Republican and I'm in a field full of heavy-duty liberals. It is so not okay to hold conservative views in my field. Bringing my guy to department social events is kind of like putting Nancy Pelosi and Ted Cruz in a room together and expecting the small talk to go well. Or a Capulet and a Montegue.

So, my opinion on the whole thing? You are completely normal so act like it. Why should you come out? You have nothing to come out of. There is nothing for you to hide because you're normal.

My advice is to talk with your boyfriend first and find out how he feels about your situation. Go stag to a department social event (one that seems professionalish rather than a casual get-together) and see how your cohort acts. Some of them may not bring their SOs with them. Go stag to a few casual department social events and see how these things go. Test the waters, so to speak. Get a feel for the social scene in the program before making your boyfriend put up with your colleagues. I get to know my cohort and faculty well enough to tell him who he would likely find interesting so I can make a point of introducing them.

I don't come out as straight so why should you come out as gay? Act with your cohort the same way your straight cohort acts with you. If your labmates are chatting about their SOs, bring yours up. If Mary complains that Gary always drinks out of the carton and it's gross, share how annoying it is that your guy eats out of the peanut butter jar. If/when someone says that they didn't know you were gay, just shrug and tell them how long you've been in your relationship or how you met. This kind of sidestep helps you acknowledge the comment without focusing on the unimportant part (your spot on the Kinsey scale) while bringing thing back to the important part (your relationship).

Like others have said, act like you're perfectly normal (not just because you are perfectly normal) but because it will keep everyone else from making a big deal out of something that is not a big deal. The haters gonna hate and they're going to make a big deal out of it, but the average person will get over it and move on.

[Amogh]

Well, Computer Science is partly an Engineering discipline so I'll take a crack at answering your question.

If your peers are anything like mine, they couldn't care less if you are gay or straight. You should just act normal and mention it at some point in conversation like some of the other posters said. Personal relationships are mostly a thing that only come up during the occasional social events so most people don't bother sharing most of the time.

[bsharpe269]

I am in computational bio so not engeering, but techy and science heavy still. My program is full of gay, bi, all sorts of people AND I am in the bible belt. Academia seems to be one of the few places where different is ok and people are judged for being abnormal. I agree with the others that the best way to handle it would be to not make a big deal of it. A friend "came out" to me the other day and it just consisted of her talking about 2 different people she was interested in at the time, one girl and one guy. She was weighing the pros and cons of who she should date. She didnt make it a big deal and so it wasnt.

[WriteAndKnit]

Casual mentions of your boyfriend should be fine! Next time you're invited to an event, ask if significant others are welcome and mention that your boyfriend would get along with people. Most people who've made it to grad school have lived in the world long enough that you won't be the first gay person they've encountered. And the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be -- especially if you have any matchmakers around (classmates, classmates' significant others). There's always someone who assumes that the person who doesn't make so many social events is just terribly shy and needs help meeting someone.

[EngineerGrad]

Guys, thank you so much for your input. I decided to go on the natural route and not make a big deal.

So here it's how it happened: i was at petsmart with my boyfriend looking for puppies to adopt. Suddenly, one of my labmates calls me and introduces his fiance -- well, i did the same! My boyfriend was with me so I just introduced him to my labmate and his fiance and everything was cool.

This was the first seed, and now i won't hesitate in mentioning my boyfriend in casual conversations in the lab :-)

Thanks again!!

Edited July 5, 2014 by EngineerGrad