The Waiting Game and Mental Stability

[bgt28]

Hi Everyone.

 

Just thought I'd drop a line about some of my thoughts and feelings. I'm relatively new to the grad cafe, but have found it to be a pleasant experience overall, and a great place to ask for support around grad school stuff. I've applied to eight programs related to English, Queer Theory, Africana, Comparative Literature/Literary Theory, etc. and have found it unbearable to just sit the f&#k down and wait. If I understand correctly, often it is the case that STEM-oriented fields hear back A LOT earlier than Humanities/Social Sciences...or not? I mean, program specific, obviously, but still, I feel like I'm being gutted, especially considering a huge chunk of the "gradposse" (we're a group of friends who went to undergrad together, with varying interests and fields of study, but the same universities/locations in mind) is already hearing back...Any and all suggestions as to how best to cope with the sluggishness of waiting are deeply appreciated. xx

 

PS: If possible/desirable, do feel free to share personal experiences regarding coping with mental health issues/emotional fatigue and how the waiting game relates.

[uselesstheory]

I have really vivid dreams/nightmares that I thought I had under control until recently - with the stress of waiting to hear back from programs, I've been plagued with horrible grad admissions-related nightmares and other really scary ones that I can only imagine are symbolic in some grad school-related way.

Going for walks and writing/drawing/doing DIY stuff has helped me destress and refocus my energy a lot. It's more helpful for me to spend time with my friends who aren't very familiar with the PhD program applying process (or anything about PhDs, really), because we can have fun and completely forget about that decision that looms over my head. Hopefully you can find a few easy and relaxing outlets like that to distract you and bring a bit of calm.

[fancypants09]

For me, giving into my emotions and feelings is the best way to deal. I've just accepted the fact that I'm going to be a mess for the next couple of months. I applied to literatures as well---mixture of national and comp lit programs, with most of my deadlines on December 15. I'm a bit jetlagged from having traveled from my current home to my parents' but I've also been plagued by insomnia---I just can't get myself to sleep at night. Last week I couldn't get any sleep before 5AM, but I have to say I've been doing much better, getting tired and falling asleep around 3AM. I'm sure next week I'll be back to more "normal" hours...

 

If you're up for reading, now would be a fun time to tackle some fun/"recreational" reading. I've just started The Goldfinch, something that I've put off for a while because I was working on my applications. I also like wandering in museums and bookstores, or just window shopping sometimes to get some air and to get my mind to think about other things. 

 

I suggest that you also join the discussion in the Lit/Rhetoric/Composition section of the GC---there are a group of us literature PhD applicants there.

[ktk]

I'm geniuinely curious, if people getting this anxious already, were they normally the anxious type? Do they score high on neurotic personality traits? How does this compare to undergrad admissions? Do you think this will be a recurring issue during grad school?

Everyone being nervous makes me want to be nervous too... >><<

[bgt28]

thanks so much, uselesstheory and fancypants09: love your feedback and will consider it a positive challenge to incorporate it into daily living until...you know, March lol

 

ktk, I totally feel you. I think it's just an individual thing, honestly. My undergrad institution bred me to be the most OCD about EVERYTHING, and normally I consider myself somewhat of an enfant terrible, since I didn't used to GAF. But now that it's my neck on the metaphoric chopping block, it seems like I have no choice but to flip out. But then again, I too have waited too long to read The Goldfinch, fancypants. Thanks so much again! xx

[drownsoda]

I am kind of a nervous wreck myself, and I only applied to a handful of programs. I tried to keep it realistic—I have a 3.8 GPA and know that schools like Columbia/Stanford are out of reach, so I didn't apply to any programs like that— but I'm still worried that I won't be good enough for any of the ones I did apply to. I think ways of dealing with the anxiety differ from person to person.

 

I am only taking two classes this upcoming semester (my two final undergrad courses, actually), and they're kind of "fun" classes, so I'm planning on putting all of my energy into those. In the meantime, I've been busy with work which has kept stuff off my mind while I'm there, and I've been trying to de-stress by spending time with people and just doing things that I want to do without any stipulations. 2014 was a crazy busy year for me, and between September and December I was swamped with coursework, GRE prep, and my applications, so I'm trying to treat myself lately. 

 

My applications have been submitted and at this point I've resigned myself to the fact that there is nothing I can do now— it's out of my control entirely, so I'm making peace with that. I've had some people tell me that if I "can't deal with the stress of applications, then I can't handle the stress of grad school," but I call B.S. on that. It's not that I'm stressed about the programs themselves. I'm a good student and know what it's like to work my ass off— I'm just stressed about whether or not the committees think I'm worthy enough. It's a fear of rejection thing that I think bothers most of us "worriers."

Edited January 2, 2015 by drownsoda

[uselesstheory]

@ktk: I'm generally pretty anxious when it comes to situations in which I have absolutely no control - so knowing that an admissions committee will decide my fate sooner than later (sooner, hopefully) makes me terrified, because it's out of my hands and entirely unknown. However, I actually feel much calmer than I did while I was working on my applications, because right now, I actually have the time to distract myself and do things I like! 

 

I think that if we were given an exact, guaranteed date by which we'd hear back, I'd be more relaxed, since I wouldn't be frantically checking statuses and emails every second (a bit of hyperbole, but I'm sure you know what I mean).

[1Q84]

I'm having a lot of weird mood swings. Sometimes I'll be lying in bed and it'll occur to me that I *could actually maybe* get into at least ONE program and then I'll feel okay for a bit.

 

Then sometimes I'll be sitting at the kitchen table and I'll groan because whatthehellwasIthinking applying to so many top tier programs I'm going to get shut out of all of them and have nothing.

 

Sigh. Just goes to show we have no idea really what's going to happen.

[Rose Tyler]

I have problems with anxiety and I've been going through swings lately. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I feel really frantic, and other times I get really down and think there's no way I'm going to get in. It's partially because right now I'm at home and I basically just stay there all day. I've been using Netflix and reading to distract myself a lot lately. I think I'll feel better when I'm back at school. I honestly can't wait just so that I can be busy again.

 

I'm with uselesstheory on the guaranteed date. The worst part is knowing that I could get a call/email at any time...over the next month. There are already a couple reports of interview invites being extended to applicants at schools I've applied to.

[museum_geek]

Now that I have all my applications submitted and I've taken care of everything I can possibly control, the anxiety and nerves have really started to set in.  One thing that helps me - especially in the mornings when I check my email and don't have anything new - is the thought that I am, at this particular moment in time, closer than I have ever been to hearing back from my dream school.  I have less time to wait than I did at this same time yesterday, and unless I get trapped in some sort of sci-fi time warp I will only get closer from here. 

 

The nerves and anxiety eventually return but that line of thinking typically gives me a brief respite.  And this still beats the heck out of stressing over my LOR writers!

[NOWAYNOHOW]

Honestly, I think this is a huge issue for all applicants and people in academia more generally. Mental health is largely absent from conversations about scholarly competition and risk, and it is stigmatized in programs and when people are on the job market. We should all try to be conscious of these issues as we move forward!

One of the most wonderful things I heard from a POI was that we ought to be kind to ourselves and to factor happiness into the decisions we make about graduate school.  It would be nice to emphasize that kindness--self care, specifically--is more important than ever while we await admissions decisions.

[snyegurachka]

I am also applying to literature/interdisciplinary humanities departments and only applied to 5 schools—they are all top programs and places I really see myself fitting well. Of course this is a very anxiety provoking situation, but I just keep telling myself that I have done the best I could possibly do (pursued an MA degree to develop my work further and make up for my undergrad GPA, two conferences, one publication and a second forthcoming, one fellowship, taking on projects in my programs, taking advantage of all the advising I have available to me, etc). If I don't get in somewhere, I don't get in. I am still young and will apply for more fellowships and continue trying to build myself up in the field and try to see what I can do with my MA and connections in the meantime.

 

I have a mood disorder and have always had terrible anxiety; right now it seems to be coming out by just being a little obsessive and controlling in other aspects of my life. I started a new diet and have been cooking creatively a lot. I have also been doing a lot of work with planning a departmental conference. So I guess...stay busy? Put that neurosis to work somewhere else for now? And accept that the purgatory we are all in now just needs to happen.

[fuzzylogician]

I'm geniuinely curious, if people getting this anxious already, were they normally the anxious type? Do they score high on neurotic personality traits? How does this compare to undergrad admissions? Do you think this will be a recurring issue during grad school?

 

FWIW, I remember being very anxious at times during my application cycle, mostly after submitting my applications because at that point there was nothing more to do than wait. Getting into grad school would have meant moving to a new country, which had implications for my ability to apply for (non-academic) jobs and also for my personal life. It was additionally confounded by some crazy business having to do with my MA advisor and their possibly failing to submit a LOR for me, which led to somewhat of a meltdown and then to additional crazy business involving FedExing materials to a new recommender who was in yet another country and having a friend there buy envelopes and stamps for them since they would be writing and sending letters very last minute. [it worked out, I ended up with four letters.]

 

There was nothing nearly this stressful during grad school. I applied for various conferences and fellowships, and submitted some papers to journals. Like everyone else, I got some acceptances and some rejections. There was nothing that was as high stakes as the grad school application process itself, where I felt like it had that much of an impact, and as a result I don't remember anything that made me anxious in that way. 

 

Now, when you graduate it's a different story again. I went on the job market while dissertating, and it had a profound impact on my quality of life that year. It was like grad school applications on steroids. You write more essays, which take longer. You spend longer living with uncertainty: applications are due around October-November; you may hear back around December for long-list interviews and around January-February for Campus visits. Offers (in my field, this all varies) are made around March. If you are not successful, which most students still in school are not, you need to look for a postdoc or visiting prof position. Those are usually advertised later and require somewhat different application materials. Meanwhile, you are supposed to write a dissertation, but who can concentrate on serious writing when you don't know what country you'll be living in 3-4 months from now, if you'll have a job, what you'll do if not, how your loved ones will fit into all of this, etc. I think my level of anxiety last year was somewhere between high and unbearable between October and March. Then once I knew what I would be doing it became a race to finish everything in time. 

 

This year I have a nice postdoc but I also applied for some TT jobs. This time, the application process was much easier to navigate because I'd already written the application materials and had experience from last year. Revising the materials wasn't nearly as hard as writing everything from scratch. It helps that I can stay at my postdoc, so I am spared the uncertainty. I think that is the single most important factor in the fact that this year I don't feel as anxious. I'll have a peak as interviews come and go, but otherwise I've mostly been ok. Besides, with research and teaching and trying to get publications out of my dissertation, I don't have any time to worry. That helps, too. 

 

In general, I'd say I'm a stable and down to earth person. I don't get anxious very often, but I do find that not being able to control major aspects of my life is very difficult when the stakes are high: I've invested a lot of time into a PhD and now I'm doing a postdoc. Not knowing if/when/where I'll get a job means I am limited in my ability to plan my life, and that's very hard for someone like me, who likes to make plans and lists and schedules. I think this is an inherent and difficult aspect of being an academic. Once you have a job, I think it's like being in grad school: there is a lot of growth and learning, as you get adjusted to your new role. But just when you start getting comfortable, there is the tenure process. I imagine that one is the most stressful of all. 

[FinallyAccepted]

Like fuzzylogician, I think that some anxiety is warranted. We lack control over something that will have a significant impact our lives, and anxiety from that uncertainty is not unreasonable. In fact, my husband fessed up today that HE'S occasionally checked out the results page himself. Like me, he also doesn't like to lack control over the future.

Work will definitely take up time when a normal schedule resumes next week. Both a blessing and a curse, there. People have suggested yoga for me, and I should probably take that up. Any anxiety-reducing activity should be part of my daily regimen, really. The anxiety of application season just makes it all the more obvious.

[fancypants09]

I second the previous posters' comments on anxiety being caused by the high stakes involved in the application process. For me personally, the stakes are all the higher because I'm switching fields and career, leaving behind what is generally considered to be a "good, stable, and well-paying" corporate job to do this. 

 

And as fuzzylogic mentioned, there were just some unexpected curve balls along the way. One of my LOR writers---a professor from law school who had been one of my biggest supporters in all of my endeavors---dropped the ball on me 11 days before my first set of deadlines, telling me that he had some personal emergencies pop up and could no longer write my letters. To say that this was less than ideal, when I had been preparing to transition from my current field and career for about a year, is an understatement of all of the craziness I felt at the time. I was lucky enough to find an alternate recommender, but still, I totally would have appreciated skipping out on this particular crisis moment. 

[Rose Tyler]

I'm geniuinely curious, if people getting this anxious already, were they normally the anxious type? Do they score high on neurotic personality traits? How does this compare to undergrad admissions? Do you think this will be a recurring issue during grad school?

Everyone being nervous makes me want to be nervous too... >><<

 

I'm always the anxious type but I haven't been anything like this in a long time. This is nothing like undergrad admissions. Applications were simple for those; I only had to write essays for one school. There were no interviews. I had no worries about not getting in anywhere. My ACT score was high and my grades were solid. I knew that if no one else, my second choice would take me. Although I was rejected from my first choice, I got in to two other schools and ended up not even applying to half my list.

 

I don't think it'll be a recurring issue during grad school, because most things I'll be able to prepare for rather than just having to sit and wait. Besides, my biggest worry right now is what I'm going to do if I don't get in.

[FinallyAccepted]

This is nothing like undergrad admissions. Applications were simple for those; I only had to write essays for one school. There were no interviews. I had no worries about not getting in anywhere.

Yeah, when people ask about my "safety" school, and I just have to tell them that grad school (at least in my field) doesn't work that way. There are no safety schools anymore. That was undergrad, not grad.

[NWFreeheel11]

I would like to ask everyone in this topic, and this forum for that matter, one question. This is not meant to be facetious at all, only reassuring. Its actually something that I ask myself quite often when I am stressed about something. 

 

So, lets set the premise: everyone here is applying to graduate school. Mostly PhDs, but definitely a mixture of other things as well. So we all share high aspirations and motivation, and that is what has been pushing us to want to pursue DOCTORAL degrees in our respective fields. 

 

When was the last time you failed at anything? Seriously...anything at all? And if you have, what are the lasting repercussions of that failure?

 

I mean actually failed, as in, you were completely and totally unable to do something after trial and error/practice/repetition.

 

Given the people who are here, I would assume that the answer to the above questions(s) is NEVER/NONE. 

 

No matter how much work needs to be done, you have always finished it, you have always succeeded with it, and you have moved on to the next greater challenge. The majority of you have > 3.5 GPA, which means your academic average is > 87% perfect. The remaining < 13% has all been what has made you try harder and aspire for more. 

 

So I would kindly suggest to breathe, relax, and remember that it is more than likely that you have NEVER failed at anything you have EVER attempted; there is NO reason to believe graduate school will be ANY DIFFERENT. 

 

Cheers!

[lab ratta-tat-tat]

The anxiety is the worst part. I was never an anxious person before the waiting. Something productive to do would be to start composing thanks you notes to those who wrote you a LOR and if you planned on purchasing a small gift for them (starbucks gift card or something more personal) you can spend your time doing that.

 

The boomed. programs typically hear back sooner because the applicant pool is relatively large and they have to accommodate for about 3 different interview weekends so they have to plan early. Also because of the push for STEM education recently, a lot of those students are reaching graduate school age and those programs are busting at the seams. So I wouldn't feel like this is an accurate reflection of all programs.

 

Take time to read. I read a bunch of random stuff on how wine was made, how gin is made, how coffee is made, I read all about apple orchards in upstate new york and vermont and all about hiking new places, etc. Things I had always been interested in I read about. To keep me sane, but I was also genuinely interested in it for a long time and wanted to know more. 

 

Good luck!

[bgt28]

thanks and much love to all who joined in. It definitely has been a whirlwind of emotion, but at least there is company to bear it with me now. It's definitely not helping that I graduated in December, so now I have to really be conscientious about keeping busy and taking care of myself. xx

[drownsoda]

I'm having a lot of weird mood swings. Sometimes I'll be lying in bed and it'll occur to me that I *could actually maybe* get into at least ONE program and then I'll feel okay for a bit.

 

Then sometimes I'll be sitting at the kitchen table and I'll groan because whatthehellwasIthinking applying to so many top tier programs I'm going to get shut out of all of them and have nothing.

 

Sigh. Just goes to show we have no idea really what's going to happen.

 

This is the story of my life. If I'm feeling good on a particular day for whatever reason, I will think about it and be like, "Yeah, I'm good enough... I will get into at least one school. No reason to worry about this," and then a few hours later I'll be wallowing in anxiety over the fact that I could get rejected by all of them. I don't know how to make that stop, but all I'm saying is that I feel ya.

[FinallyAccepted]

This is the story of my life. If I'm feeling good on a particular day for whatever reason, I will think about it and be like, "Yeah, I'm good enough... I will get into at least one school. No reason to worry about this," and then a few hours later I'll be wallowing in anxiety over the fact that I could get rejected by all of them. I don't know how to make that stop, but all I'm saying is that I feel ya.

 

Well, I don't know if it helps, but I got rejected from all the schools I applied to last year (which I learned was not uncommon for my discipline), and I didn't die.  It really sucked, but I feel more confident this year and feel like I better understand how the process works and what I needed to do.  If I don't get in again, it won't be the end of the world, even if it momentarily feels like it.

[bgt28]

Happy January 7th! Orthodox Christmas where I'm from, for what it's worth

[Chiqui74]

I am a generally impatient person, but even though I've checked the status a couple of times, I'm taking this wait surprisingly well.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am not putting all my hopes and dreams into this application and I do have a solid alternate plan in case I don't get in anywhere.  So while I'll certainly be sad and upset if I don't get it, I will not be shattered or lost.

[jazzimen]

My mental stability ebbs and flows. At first it was just anxiety of making sure all of my stuff was in. Now it's completelyout of my control and I vacillate between normality, crying and venting anger (especially as more people hear back). Haha me and my therapist have a Lot to talk about on Friday...haha