The parental encouragement thread

[drownsoda]

I hate to complain about this, but I've recently been voicing my anxieties about the entire application process to both of my parents, which I've determinately found out is a bad idea. Why? Because the only thing my mom (bless her heart) has to say is, "Oh, don't worry. I KNOW you'll get in," which gives me a knee-jerk impulse to duct tape her mouth shut and run away screaming.

 

I get that she's my parent and that she believes in me and all of that, but at the same time, I'm like "MOM, your education ended at a high school in Wyoming, no offense, but I don't think you're really getting the scope of this situation." 

 

Nobody in my immediate family has a four-year degree (my dad went to college for two years studying computer science but dropped out), so I feel like talking to them about any of this is almost pointless, especially with my mom— academia is just way too foreign to her. No matter what, she's always going to be like, "Oh, you'll get in. I know it," which is going to drive me mad, unless it turns out I do get in, by which I will no longer be apprehensive about her faith in me. But right now I can't handle that kind of faith because I feel like it sets me up for even more hurt if I get rejected across the board.

 

I dunno. I think I have to stop talking about all of this to the people in my day-to-day life. Talking about it on here is different, because you guys get it. None of my close friends are college people either— no academics, postgrads, nothing. I'm a lone wolf, so all the people around me either have a romanticized and/or warped perception about the grit of this graduate school business. 

[Vene]

There's an old thread filled with stuff like this: It's really hard to understand what the process is like unless you're actually going through it. I'm sure your mother means well, but that doesn't make it any less annoying.

[Guest]

Yeah, for sure. My mom is pretty realistic about it, or at least acknowledges that she knows nothing about the process so can't say much about it and focuses on next steps instead, but my grandfather thinks that the schools that rejected me last year owe each of the hundreds of rejected applicants a personalized letter about why they didn't get in and wants my mom to call the school for me and wants me to get in touch with my member of parliament to find out why I didn't get in. It's not the easiest conversation to have while already dealing with getting rejected....

[bsharpe269]

The worst is when I actually do get an interview and I excitedly call them and they respond with "Of course you got an interview there. We knew you would." Yesterday I got an interview to Johns Hopkins! Johns Hopkins!?!? That was one of my long shots. They have a top 10 biophysics program! Anyway, I want people to jump up and down with me and be as excited as I am but they don't seem excited at all because they were already expecting it.

[Vene]

The worst is when I actually do get an interview and I excitedly call them and they respond with "Of course you got an interview there. We knew you would." Yesterday I got an interview to Johns Hopkins! Johns Hopkins!?!? That was one of my long shots. They have a top 10 biophysics program! Anyway, I want people to jump up and down with me and be as excited as I am but they don't seem excited at all because they were already expecting it.

I think they don't realize that even though we're skilled and intelligent that we're competing against so many other skilled and intelligent people. During Thanksgiving break my parents outright told me that they thought the idea of me being a professor at a community college was a waste of my talents, never mind that any academic job is incredibly hard to get. I wasn't even proposing it as a serious thing, just making light talk about how they'd like it if I got a job at the local college because it would mean I live nearby (I've been living in a different state than them for the last 5-ish years and it's not likely to change in the future) and got such a visceral negative response.

[shadowclaw]

When I applied 2 years ago, I had pretty polar responses from my parents. My dad seemed to believe that if I applied somewhere, I would automatically get in. My mom, on the other hand, was convinced that some son or daughter of a congressman or governor or something was going to want to go to every program I applied to, and that their parents would use their political influence to pull strings and get them in regardless of their qualifications. Thus, I probably wouldn't get in anywhere because my family holds no political power.

 

So then once I did get accepted to a masters program, she had this look on her face of "oh no... I didn't want this to happen." Turns out she was hoping I would get rejected and go get a job.

 

This application cycle, my dad still acts like I'm going to be accepted at my top choices, but at least he doesn't talk about it much. My mom has dropped the whole politics thing, and I get the sense that she feels more supportive now. I also think she feels better about my chances since I had a Skype interview with a POI. I don't think she understands that it was only the first step and I still have to go through interviews with the adcomm and all, but at least she's not telling me I have zero chance anymore.

[snyegurachka]

When I applied 2 years ago, I had pretty polar responses from my parents. My dad seemed to believe that if I applied somewhere, I would automatically get in. My mom, on the other hand, was convinced that some son or daughter of a congressman or governor or something was going to want to go to every program I applied to, and that their parents would use their political influence to pull strings and get them in regardless of their qualifications. Thus, I probably wouldn't get in anywhere because my family holds no political power.

 

So then once I did get accepted to a masters program, she had this look on her face of "oh no... I didn't want this to happen." Turns out she was hoping I would get rejected and go get a job.

 

This application cycle, my dad still acts like I'm going to be accepted at my top choices, but at least he doesn't talk about it much. My mom has dropped the whole politics thing, and I get the sense that she feels more supportive now. I also think she feels better about my chances since I had a Skype interview with a POI. I don't think she understands that it was only the first step and I still have to go through interviews with the adcomm and all, but at least she's not telling me I have zero chance anymore.

 

 

This is pretty much the exact same attitude my parents had (or possibly still have...I don't really talk to them about it anymore). My father is a professor and applied to phd programs at a much less competitive time and couldn't believe when I got rejected from all my schools when I applied kind of haphazardly during my last year of undergrad. He thinks that everywhere should accept me because I am his daughter and must be brilliant. My mother thinks it's insane and that I should just get a job and be practical about my prospects.

 

Now I (will) have an MA and 3.9 GPA, have presented conference papers, have publications, LOR from people in the field who know people at the programs to which I am applying, etc—and I'm a lot more realistic about the fact that I still may not get in anywhere, as horrifying as that is. In a lot of ways, my mother's advice has been better...my dad thinking I'm great doesn't mean grad schools will. And his calling them all assholes is not helpful. My mother might not be very supportive, but I am hoping that I will get into Stanford or whatever, prove my mother wrong and make my phd from Vanderbilt father see that I can do this this time. And if I don't, I will try to pursue other paths while keeping up my academic practice and reapplying.

 

Both of my parents think that my schools are too competitive and I should have applied to a "safety," but phds don't work that way. I want as close to a perfect fit as I can get.

Edited January 9, 2015 by snyegurachka

[Shep2789]

I had the same issue when applying to undergrad and I just don't want to deal with it again. I'm first-gen to get a 4-year degree. My dad got his associates through night classes at a community college in his early 40s and that little bit of reference made him tolerable to talk to about the process, but barely. When I got into the #1 private liberal arts college in the country, the longest long-shot in the history of long-shots, their "I knew you would" response took all of the fun out of it. They still don't really know why I didn't want to go to their favorite football school.

 

Now that I'm in the waiting game, its the only thing I want to talk about and they're the last two people I want to talk about it with. I've been avoiding them. It's my mother's birthday on Tuesday and unless I get an interview from one of my top 3 before then, I'm not sure I'm going to call her.

[shadowclaw]

Oh, I almost forgot a great part of the story for this application cycle. Even though my dad might think I can get in anywhere, he's begun to have some reservations about me pursuing a PhD. Even though I was accepted to a masters program 2 years ago, my dad was under the impression that I would take 4 or 5 years to complete the program. He was pretty excited over the summer when I told him I only had two semesters left. Then when I began contacting POIs and getting my application materials together, he asked me how long a PhD program would take. I told him anywhere from 3 to 5 years, depending on how a school transfers the credits from the masters program and what type of project I would be working on. He then told me that my eggs were getting old and asked me how I expected to give him grandchildren if I was going to be in school for 5 more years. Which is also the polar opposite of my mother, who after I got married this summer told me to make sure I didn't get pregnant before I finished school.

[isilya]

LOL my mom is like this too! None of my family went to college and many of them didn't graduate from high school, so they assume that since I'm doing well I'll get in everywhere. It's nice that they're so optimistic, but they don't understand the struggle...like other people have said, their reactions sort of took the fun out of it when I got my first interview!

[Zoethor2]

I definitely empathize, but for me it's not my parents - my Dad actually seems to totally grasp the reality that I'm competitive but that there will be lots of other competitive applications so there is some degree of luck involved.  It's my coworkers, including my supervisors, who are just convinced I'll get in and keep saying things like that, or making statements implicit on the assumption that I'll be in the program next fall.  (I'm applying to go part time and maintain my job.)  Stop jinxing it, people!

[jujubea]

I love my partner but sometimes I think he has way too much faith in me. He thinks there's no way I won't get in anywhere. "They will love you," he keeps saying. To the point that when I begin fretting about the possibility of being reject by all three schools, he chuckles! He thinks it's so outside the realm of possibility!

Guess that's one reason why I'm marrying him, since he thinks the world of me, right?

[angel_kaye13]

On the flip-side...would you REALLY want people to say, "you're right, you suck, you'll never get in there." Or, on a more reasonable level, "yeah, it's going to be really hard for you to get in." ??? {shrug} I don't know. I do get what you're all saying. But - for the supportive parents out there - I just think it's nice that they support you, however irrational the support. I think it's an unwritten rule among all parents that you should always support your child, as long as it's not to their detriment. So I have a harder time hearing the stories of non-supportive parents, the ones who can't get behind their kids for the really important "stuff."

I just am reading all these things, and...{shrug again} it just all seems kind of nice: your parents think the world of you. Yeah, it may not be exactly reality, when we compare all we're up against (my mom writes an annual Christmas letter, and, in this one, she was telling THE WHOLE FAMILY [aunts, uncles, little white dogs] where I was applying...I was like, "mom! What if I don't get in!?!" haha~ *^^* ). But it's still really sweet that they think that much of you. You obviously have a rational side of your brain that is prohibiting you from becoming extremely egotistical/keeping you humble and rational in this whole thing, so...I just don't know. It sounds nice that your mom/parents/whomever is in your corner. :-) I wouldn't trade that for anything. :-)

[smpalesh]

Wow.  I really hope my children do not grow up to be as self-centered and entitled as you are coming off here.  Your mother only has a high school education?  Your family doesn't have university educations?  So CLEARLY they have absolutely no idea what you are going through, or what stress means, or how to plan for the future, or any those things.  Your mother has devoted her life to raising you but obviously she has no possible insight into your situation because she's just an uneducated hick from Wyoming.  I sincerely hope your mother and other family members never become aware of your derision for them and their accomplishments.  And FYI, a university education can't teach class, which you've clear demonstrated here.

Edited January 9, 2015 by smpalesh

[drownsoda]

Wow.  I really hope my children do not grow up to be as self-centered and entitled as you are coming off here.  Your mother only has a high school education?  Your family doesn't have university educations?  So CLEARLY they have absolutely no idea what you are going through, or what stress means, or how to plan for the future, or any those things.  Your mother has devoted her life to raising you but obviously she has no possible insight into your situation because she's just an uneducated hick from Wyoming.  I sincerely hope your mother and other family members never become aware of your derision for them and their accomplishments.  And FYI, a university education can't teach class, which you've clear demonstrated here.

 

 

My entire point is that no, they don't know what the grad school application process is like because they haven't gone through it, and I'm not belittling them because of that. If it sounds like that, that's not what I meant. I love both of my parents, but they are naive about what the graduate system is like— they know as much about it as I know how to do either of their jobs. I'm just talking about perspective here. It's a lot of pressure having people put stock in you when they don't really seem to grasp the whole scope of the situation that you're in.

Edited January 9, 2015 by drownsoda

[drownsoda]

On the flip-side...would you REALLY want people to say, "you're right, you suck, you'll never get in there." Or, on a more reasonable level, "yeah, it's going to be really hard for you to get in." ??? {shrug} I don't know. I do get what you're all saying. But - for the supportive parents out there - I just think it's nice that they support you, however irrational the support. I think it's an unwritten rule among all parents that you should always support your child, as long as it's not to their detriment. So I have a harder time hearing the stories of non-supportive parents, the ones who can't get behind their kids for the really important "stuff."

I just am reading all these things, and...{shrug again} it just all seems kind of nice: your parents think the world of you. Yeah, it may not be exactly reality, when we compare all we're up against (my mom writes an annual Christmas letter, and, in this one, she was telling THE WHOLE FAMILY [aunts, uncles, little white dogs] where I was applying...I was like, "mom! What if I don't get in!?!" haha~ *^^* ). But it's still really sweet that they think that much of you. You obviously have a rational side of your brain that is prohibiting you from becoming extremely egotistical/keeping you humble and rational in this whole thing, so...I just don't know. It sounds nice that your mom/parents/whomever is in your corner. :-) I wouldn't trade that for anything. :-)

 

It is sweet, but I think it's my superstitious side that feels like I'm being cursed every time I get told "don't worry, you'll get in!" It's not just my parents either. Several of my friends have said the same thing to me, and I don't want them to say that because I don't want to believe it until it's true, you know? I appreciate that they think I'm good enough, but at the same time, I don't feel like anyone's considered the fact that I won't get in.

 

I think it boils down to the fact that it's a lot of pressure, especially when your entire family is so sure of something that you aren't sure of at all.

[FinallyAccepted]

Well, you know what gets them to stop being SO sure you'll get in?  Applying and getting completely shut out. 

 

I'm applying for the second time, and coworkers and family have tempered their optimism and have a more realistic view this time around.  It's more relaxing because I don't have to keep adding "possibly..." to the end of everything they lay at my feet.  I love them, but it was a bit of pressure.  This year is definitely more mellow.

[drownsoda]

Well, you know what gets them to stop being SO sure you'll get in?  Applying and getting completely shut out. 

 

I'm applying for the second time, and coworkers and family have tempered their optimism and have a more realistic view this time around.  It's more relaxing because I don't have to keep adding "possibly..." to the end of everything they lay at my feet.  I love them, but it was a bit of pressure.  This year is definitely more mellow.

Shana, sorry you didn't get in first round— it sucks. I'm glad that this time it's been less stressful for you though. Trying to find some solace in the entire thing is really difficult, especially for first-time applicants like myself. The whole application process itself is enough to put you through the emotional wringer, and awaiting the responses is like insult to injury almost. You're totally right, having excessive optimism from those around you does amplify the pressure of an already delicate situation, and that's what I meant in my original post. It's not that I'm mad or ungrateful or pissed off that they believe in me— that would be absurd— but it makes the atomizing pressure of the entire process even worse. Best wishes for you this year, let's hope we all get in!

[angel_kaye13]

It is sweet, but I think it's my superstitious side that feels like I'm being cursed every time I get told "don't worry, you'll get in!" It's not just my parents either. Several of my friends have said the same thing to me, and I don't want them to say that because I don't want to believe it until it's true, you know? I appreciate that they think I'm good enough, but at the same time, I don't feel like anyone's considered the fact that I won't get in.

 

I think it boils down to the fact that it's a lot of pressure, especially when your entire family is so sure of something that you aren't sure of at all.

{nods head} I understand that. It's a lot of pressure, you don't want to let them down. I think a lot of people say it...because, in some strange way, it's "the" thing to say? Like when you ask your girl friends if they think you look fat in an outfit you really, really like. I can definitely understand wanting to hear truth, for sure, thank you for elaborating on that a bit.~

[Rose Tyler]

It took me a while to get my mom to understand that it's a competitive process, but she gets that. She still has faith that I'm going to get in, keeps talking about interviews like they're a done deal. The other day she asked me when I'll start hearing back from schools and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I probably should've started receiving invites already. Then she went on about how I wouldn't be starting until the fall so it could hypothetically take all summer and I resisted the urge to tell her the APA stipulates that all decisions must be made by April 15th. The rest of my family doesn't get it all, keeps asking me where I'm going to grad school. None of it is helping my stress level.

[mb712]

My parents have been pretty mellow about this entire thing (and even listened to me rant about temp lab job prospects incase I don't get in anywhere this year!) but my friends on the other hand... None of my close friends have applied or gone to graduate school other than law school. They seem to think because I have all this research experience/excitement about what I'm doing that I'm a guaranteed acceptance. I've started prefacing my graduate school & moving talk with "in the event I'm even accepted anywhere..." with some and just flat out stopped talking about it with others. I'm nervous enough without having to constantly explain why I'm nervous. (But I'm so thankful for my lab mates and current grad students I know who have been so great during this whole process!)

[FinallyAccepted]

Now that I've gotten an interview, my family is talking about me moving there like its a foregone conclusion. Stop jinxing me, people!

[constant_wanderer]

So my grandparents, who live in another country, have apparently only heard of one school in North America... Harvard.

They also live in a country where psychologists have tiny salaries, miserable social status, and can call themselves 'clinical psychologists' after a 4-year BA.

Needless to say, every time I talk to them, I get asked 'So did you get admitted to Harvard yet? It's clinical psychology, who'd want to study that anyway?'

Foreign grandparents...

[Zhiwei]

I'm tempted to think myself as a know-everything in front of my old foreign parents, but that is, of course, illusion. It turns out that I don't really understand what graduate school/PhD application/academia mean so thoroughly as I thought -- otherwise why would I feel anxious/uncertain/unconfident/imposter syndrome? 

 

I take the application process more like a process of learning and thinking. It can be the same case for parents. We both need to learn, including learning to deal with things that you can't really learn.

[birchleaf]

I don't want to rehash of course, but I'm with you all on this one! I've been told by my thesis adviser that I'm a wildcard simply because I don't already have a MA. But my relatives, only a few of whom have degrees, all of which were obtained online, tell me that I'll get in to everything I apply for. Which is really sweet, and I appreciate that they're encouraging me.

However, what I don't appreciate is my mother's attitude towards the grad school process; basically, she doesn't think it's been difficult, stressful, or that it's taken a significant amount of time. I try and explain that I'm ~only~ applying to six schools, and she's mad that I'm "messing around" on my computer instead of coming home and doing housework.

 

I don't really know if there's any solution or advice which would fix or in some way aid how I'm feeling, but I do believe that her inexperience in applying to grad schools makes her unprepared to respond to how I'm feeling, and her basic response is to try and get my mind off of it somehow? My mom is really great. I'm not at all saying that I wish she was smarter, or had another degree or something which would prepare her to deal with my feelings about this process. I just wish that her response to my anxiety and stress wasn't to disregard the situation altogether.