Grad school and weddings: Do they mix?

[St Andrews Lynx]

One person I know got married over their Christmas break, which is a time that people take off anyway. 

 

LittleDarlings - we all know that you are strongly jealous of anybody who is (i) in a stable relationship (ii) getting married. It's a shame that you aren't honest with yourself about that. Do the mature, adult thing and keep your bitterness and negative energy away from people who aren't your therapist. 

[juilletmercredi]

Don't feed the trolls, people.

 

Anyway, I got married right before the beginning of my fifth year of my PhD program!  I had a bit of nontraditional planning period - my mother-in-law is a wedding planner and it was all planned very quickly.  Honestly, looking back - I would do it the same way again.  Well, maybe I would give myself a little more time, but...wedding planning is only as stressful as you make it.  Popular culture says that you need to start at least a year in advance and get a big venue and invite 100+ people with a fancy gown et al...and if you really want a wedding like that, go for it!  But you don't have to have it that way.  The more you detach yourself from the things that no one will remember or care about, the better.  What those are depends on you and your circle.  Like, I know none of my friends and family would care about centerpieces (or flowers in general).  I don't even remember what the centerpieces were at my own wedding - I think we used candles on mirrors with pretty glass beads and flower petals or something.  Why spend $1200 on flowers if you don't care about them?  And the reverse is true - if flowers are really important to you, then make them a priority, but de-prioritize whatever it is that doesn't matter (like shoes or matching bridesmaids dresses or whatever).

 

Whether your program will discourage you taking time off to get married really depends on the individual program and your advisors, but quite frankly, screw 'em.  If you have to miss classes, the proper way to handle it is just to notify the professor ahead of time that you are going to miss X class on Y date.  You don't have to explain why.  Then just make sure that you make up the work.  As long as you only miss one class that semester (barring emergencies) it shouldn't be a problem; I've never had a professor have a problem.  (In fact, I had a professor tell me to miss class for an event - namely, two presidential candidates came to campus to speak and I wanted to hear them.)

 

I do encourage waiting on the honeymoon until a break, though.  Winter break is an excellent time to take a honeymoon because you'll be at least a bit burned out and it may be bitterly cold wherever you are, so if you go someplace warm and sunny that might bring up your spirits.  Spring break is another good time to honeymoon.  My husband and I still haven't taken our honeymoon; it'll probably end up being an anniversary trip lol.

[merollam]

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone! It's great to see that people can work in their social lives and relationships around their program. Although I absolutely love my field, I feel like that's the only way I'd stay sane!

[GeoDUDE!]

I look for any excuse to miss classes. Graduate classes are often boring and useless (in my field) and are only there to satisfy archaic graduate school requirements. 

[TakeruK]

I look for any excuse to miss classes. Graduate classes are often boring and useless (in my field) and are only there to satisfy archaic graduate school requirements. 

 

For research based PhD programs, I think that yes, graduate classes are lower on the priority list and I would choose some priorities ahead of classes (e.g. recovering from illness, vacation, meeting a deadline, seeing an important talk elsewhere on campus, conferences, weddings, etc.) However, for professional or terminal masters programs, these are more course based and I would say courses take top priority there. While I would probably not purposely seek reasons to miss classes, I do agree that grad students in research based programs should use classes as a way to get the information they need and if some lectures are not important, it's okay to miss them if something else more important to you is happening.

[jujubea]

I am happy to commiserate with you via PM. And share wedding ideas. Even pinterest boards

 

Engaged August 2013, original wedding date was September 2014, new wedding date is May 2015. You want to know about postponing a wedding, I'm your gal. 

 

Granted, I will not be IN grad school when the wedding happens, but, I was transitioning from overseas back to US, moving in with a new family, leaving a full safety net and awesome job, starting a new business, dealing with multiple hospitalized (Critical) family members, preparing grad applications/researching grad programs, and planning for my Fall wedding at the same time.

 

Then something else happened that tipped it over the edge, and I was like, you know, why don't we wait until things are little CALMER.  

 

By May, we will know which school and city we're moving to, our house will be up on the market, the kids will be out of school, the weather will be nicer, and my family will be healthier (ojala!).  

 

I can also tell you this - the less controlling of a person you are, the less stressful it will be. If you want EXACT kinds of flowers, EXACT colors, EXACT times, places, placements, smells, etc... Then you're going to be super freaking out. IF you're like "I want something in the purple-ish zone of color, and my bridesmaids should this general kind of bouquet, and the centerpieces should be basically like this..." you're going to be resting much easier.

 

Just remind yourself what the big picture is, what the wedding is really all about, and don't get too down in the weeds about it. In the words of Elsa, let it go....

[Mrs. C]

I am getting married on 3/14 and had to do the real meat and potatoes of planning during my final semester as an undergrad. It has been pretty stressful but if you ask for help and delegate you can make it work no matter what  

 

Last but not least, Congratulations!!!! Make sure you try and bask in the engagement afterglow for a bit!

[biotechie]

If you can, set it up so you're not in classes or TAing at the time. It'll make it a lot easier to plan and less likely that you'll miss pertinent information. Biomed PhD coursework is not a walk in the park (from experience). Plus, when you come back from the wedding and honeymoon, you may find it hard to study for courses. At least with lab work, you're actually doing something.

 

You're welcome to PM me as well. I'm another BioMed girl thinking about her wedding so I can us all of the idea discussion I can get. We're waiting on the fiancé to move down here to actually set a date, but we're also waiting until at least 2016. I have the benefit of being done with coursework and quals, so I will just need to plan experiments accordingly and get permission to be out of the lab, but being in biomed does have its difficulties. I can just imagine getting a frantic emergency call about my mice while I'm on our honeymoon.

[toasterazzi]

So last year, I graduated from my MA, got married (twice. lol. basically, we had two ceremonies due to travel restrictions for some of our family members), and moved to a new state for my PhD program within the span of about two months. I wouldn't necessarily recommend doing all of that at once lol, but we did it that way because we wanted to get married in the state where all of our family was rather than trying to have them all come to a different state.

 

As far as the wedding planning goes, I didn't really find it that stressful (except monetarily *sigh*), but we also had really lowkey ceremonies. The first one was at the courthouse, and the second one was at a small local venue. We had help from our friends to decorate, and one of my best friends took care of getting the cake. We got bbq/sides from one of our favorite local joints. And that was about it. If you're having a bigger deal, I imagine it could get a bit more hairy, but as long as you have help, I imagine it should be fairly manageable. 

 

Also, I don't really see a problem with taking a long weekend for your wedding 

[MidwesternAloha]

Personally, I just can't wait 5+ years to get married! 

 

Nothing wrong with that!  My husband and I, knowing our schedules would be hectic as we both pursue graduate education, went the courthouse route after setting a date TWICE and having to change both.  The family finally rejoiced, tired of the updates and upheaval haha.  We will have a big wedding on a big anniversary or something.  It's about who ya love, not necessarily the day.  Spent that money on a down payment on a home, instead.  Congrats, btw!  

[MidwesternAloha]

And, for what it's worth:  I belonged to some "women in science/medicine" groups, where women had legitimate strategies planned for like, the MONTH they would get pregnant during which year of grad school/med school and so forth, and the experienced mentor/professor women totally agreed and encouraged it.

If you want the best of both worlds, there's a way to make it happen.  Long story short, weddings and grad school DO mix.  If you're lucky, you'll have a good PI with a good mind who realizes the importance of it.  I currently work for a graduate program, and the PI groans about "why do all the grad students think it's time to get married/pregnant/etc" but he secretly loves and totally understands it.  Gives the parents-to-be weeks off work, etc.

 

Additionally, I recently read the handbook for one program I am interviewing at, and it had a section all about the structure for time off for weddings/babies and how many times you can "use" it while you're in school.  Thought that was pretty neat.  I respect the recognition from academia, that personal lives matter, finally.

[WhatAmIDoingNow]

On 1/14/2015 at 7:30 PM, merollam said:

Has anyone here attempted the daunting task of planning a wedding during grad school?

I have just graduated from undergrad, gotten engaged, and I am waiting to hear back from grad programs. I would like to get married in Fall of 2016, but haven't set anything in stone yet (venues, vendors, etc.)

Do grad programs discourage taking time off to have a wedding (and possibly honeymoon)? I will only be in my 3rd semester by then, so missing classes would be an issue I suppose..

Any input would be greatly appreciated!

 

We looked at the cost and logistics of planning a wedding for our family members to attend and just went to the courthouse with a couple of our friends.  Between the cost of a wedding, our families being big and dispersed across the US, and not knowing where we will be 6 months from now... it wasn't worth the hassle.  We also are not religious and have been together for ages.  We will have an anniversary party for family to attend. 

The only universities with affordable wedding costs are at WashU (https://eventmanagement.wustl.edu/weddings/), and Duke (https://chapel.duke.edu/visit-events/reservation-requests/weddings). My experience with programs is it is up to the student to make their life work around the program.  Universities publish their calendars years in advance, outline program expectations for every year of the program, and give other notices as far in advance as possible.  

 

I would say that you need to prioritize which is more important.  You can cram the wedding in during a fall holiday, delay your grad school admission and focus on the wedding, or hold off until another season for the wedding. If you decide to cram the wedding in, you should look at delegating to a planner. 

 

As MidwesternAloha stated, academics plan their lives as much as they can around the academic calendar.  If you work with your program and mentors, they will do what they can to help you succeed. I knew many people who were pregnant their last semester of coursework and/or coordinated their weddings to fit the academic calendar.  They had their families heavily involved with planning and coordinating the events. 

[TakeruK]

My experience with programs is it is up to the student to make their life work around the program.  Universities publish their calendars years in advance, outline program expectations for every year of the program, and give other notices as far in advance as possible.  

 

I think this is more true with professional programs than research based PhD programs. At the schools I've been to, a BEd. (the degree all public school teachers in BC must get after their undergrad degree) is a 12 month program and they explicitly require you to not take any time off for weddings or children. However, at the same school, for the research programs, you get vacation days like any other job. You also get up to 1 year leave for each child you have. And some of that leave is paid. 

 

In my opinion, I would say that if you are a full time PhD researcher, you plan your academics around your life, not the other way around. If I need to be somewhere for a wedding, I make sure I rearrange my academics to make that long weekend work. If I was TAing, I might trade a shift with a colleague. If I was taking a class, I'd probably ask a friend to take notes for me and/or arrange for an alternate exam date if necessary. If I had a research deadline (e.g. abstract due date), I would make sure I started work on it earlier so that everything would be submitted prior to leaving. When you are in this for the long haul (whether it's just a PhD or staying in academia longer), you can't always make work your #1 priority. There needs to be a balance!

[Munashi]

When you are in this for the long haul (whether it's just a PhD or staying in academia longer), you can't always make work your #1 priority.

 

Well said!  That's basically the crux of it.

[Pitangus]

We looked at the cost and logistics of planning a wedding for our family members to attend and just went to the courthouse with a couple of our friends.  Between the cost of a wedding, our families being big and dispersed across the US, and not knowing where we will be 6 months from now... it wasn't worth the hassle.  We also are not religious and have been together for ages.  We will have an anniversary party for family to attend. 

 

I would love to have a courthouse wedding, but I know our parents would be disappointed. Neither my boyfriend nor I like weddings, we aren't religious, and we've been together for 8 years already, so getting married is mostly just about making it "official."

 

I think we will end up getting married after I finish my Ph.D. It makes more sense for us anyways because we're currently long distance. If I wasn't so far away then we probably would be thinking about it sooner. I could see it being doable to have a wedding while in grad school, especially if it could be planned during a break. 

[WhatAmIDoingNow]

I would love to have a courthouse wedding, but I know our parents would be disappointed. Neither my boyfriend nor I like weddings, we aren't religious, and we've been together for 8 years already, so getting married is mostly just about making it "official."

 

I think we will end up getting married after I finish my Ph.D. It makes more sense for us anyways because we're currently long distance. If I wasn't so far away then we probably would be thinking about it sooner. I could see it being doable to have a wedding while in grad school, especially if it could be planned during a break. 

 

If it is important to your family and you trust them, you can delegate the planning to them and have the ceremony over the summer or winter break. 

[Pitangus]

If it is important to your family and you trust them, you can delegate the planning to them and have the ceremony over the summer or winter break. 

 

Hehe, I actually would let my mom handle it because she knows what I like (and I probably will ask for her help anyways for all the stuff I don't want to think about).

But we'll see. I'm leaving it up to my boyfriend to officially propose because it's something he would like to do. I've told him not to worry about the ring and to just do it when he thinks is best. He may very well be waiting until I finish my Ph.D., but whatever he wants is fine with me.  

[Vene]

I would love to have a courthouse wedding, but I know our parents would be disappointed. Neither my boyfriend nor I like weddings, we aren't religious, and we've been together for 8 years already, so getting married is mostly just about making it "official."

I was in a similar situation, although we did do the courthouse wedding (it really was all about getting the paperwork signed). The tax breaks are wonderful and those alone made it worthwhile.

[MidwesternAloha]

I was in a similar situation, although we did do the courthouse wedding (it really was all about getting the paperwork signed). The tax breaks are wonderful and those alone made it worthwhile.

I concur! It's not about appeasing your family. You can always have a big reception or renewal 5 years down the road. My husband and I kept having to change the date for our wedding and finally we just went to the courthouse and told the family we'll have the big ceremony when time and distance allow. It's about being with who ya love

[WhatAmIDoingNow]

I was in a similar situation, although we did do the courthouse wedding (it really was all about getting the paperwork signed). The tax breaks are wonderful and those alone made it worthwhile.

The tax breaks are amazing!  Paying off a bunch of debt on the first tax return. 

[Pitangus]

I concur! It's not about appeasing your family. You can always have a big reception or renewal 5 years down the road. My husband and I kept having to change the date for our wedding and finally we just went to the courthouse and told the family we'll have the big ceremony when time and distance allow. It's about being with who ya love

 

Hmm, you've all given me more to think about. I will definitely have to consider it and talk to my boyfriend about it again when the time comes. There are a lot of reasons why I don't want a wedding and only a couple why reasons why I would. 

[shadowclaw]

I would love to have a courthouse wedding, but I know our parents would be disappointed. Neither my boyfriend nor I like weddings, we aren't religious, and we've been together for 8 years already, so getting married is mostly just about making it "official."

 

This is why I ended up planning two weddings. Neither my husband nor I really wanted a big, white wedding... I suppose I was sort of ok with it, but he was definitely terrified of it. Mostly I just didn't like the idea of inviting 150 people, of which I only really knew maybe 50. The rest were distant relatives, my parents' friends and coworkers, relatives that aren't really distant but I hadn't seen since I was 5... basically people that I would really struggle to identify (if I could at all), and the idea of having to spend an evening with people I don't know wasn't really up my alley. So we ended up backing out of the wedding before we invested too much into it (only bought a dress and put a deposit down on a reception hall).

 

We seriously considered eloping. We didn't really want to just go to the courthouse, so we started trying to come up with fun ideas that we could afford, like getting married by aliens in Las Vegas (ok, so that was my suggestion, but he didn't go for it) or getting married on the beach. We eventually decided it would be cool to go on a cruise and get married at one of the stops. Since I knew my parents would be really disappointed (especially my dad... I'm his only daughter), I suggested the cruise to them and they jumped on board (haha that was punny). So it turned into a tiny destination wedding for our parents and anyone else who could come along... which ended up being two of my close friends who didn't have kids to worry about. So it ended up working out really well for everyone. We got our small intimate wedding without offending anyone (we basically put it out there that anyone who wanted to come to the wedding was welcome if they paid for their cruise ticket) and my dad still got to walk me down the aisle (albeit a sandy one).

 

It's also kind of funny, because two of my siblings had big, glorious weddings, and the other two eloped to the courthouse and then had a church wedding later on (and if any of you want to get snobby about that, Miss Manners herself said it's acceptable to have a civil ceremony followed by a religious one... so put a sock in it). My wedding was kind of a halfway point between the two.

[kotov]

Getting married this summer. Doing a small destination wedding with just a few family members and some mutual friends. It hasn't been too much trouble, although my fiancee has done most of the work/planning.

[merollam]

I'll admit it would be easier to go the courthouse or destination route, but being from the Midwest it is almost impossible to have a small wedding. My fiance and I grew up in the same town, have tons of mutual friends, and are both really close to our huge families. Luckily, my cousin is a wedding planner, so if I end up doing my PhD out-of-state she will hopefully take care of most of the work for me!

[Sigaba]

Any input would be greatly appreciated!

 

Congratulations on your engagement! May you and your spouse-to-be find happiness and fulfillment together

 

I recommend that you do your best to get a good sense of the departmental politics and a long glance at the skeletons in the closet before you disclose to anyone in your department that you're planning your wedding/honeymoon and that you might miss class time down the line. Your department is investing time and money into your professional training. Equally qualified applicants were likely told "no" so you could be told "yes." One or more professor may have a marriage on the rocks and/or have been "burned" by a graduate student's life choices. These and other factors could inform how faculty members interpret your disclosure regardless of what they say to you in person. (Things being what they are, professors in their right mind are not going to say anything but "Congratulations!")

 

And, as some of the responses in this thread show, members of one's peer group can be petty. You want to protect yourself from a classmate sand bagging you with faculty members (Merollam is always talking about the wedding).