How to stay involved & make friends if you're not the 'typical' grad student?

[LebaneseKafta]

Okay, so graduate school cohorts are generally quite small, one generally get to know eachother well enough, and become friends with or at least get to hang out sometimes outside of school related settings etc., from what I've gathered. In my field, at least where I live, the 'typical' graduate student by in large go out for drinks at bars/pubs together, perhaps stay out quite late, maybe party ever so often, date, and generally live alone or with roommates. 

 

I would like to make new friends in the school I'm going to for grad school in Sept. but, I do not drink, have to be home (live with my family) at a certain time, am from a minority religion, do not date, and wear a headscarf. This may seem irrelevant to many people but, I am worried that I will ostracize myself from my fellow grad students in my program since I'm unable to socialize with them in the setting/manner that a typical grad student would. I've had this issue in upper year undergrad where my interactions with fellow students were reduced to simply work/school related conversations since I was unable to go out to the bars/pubs/parties/settings that I would be invited to to get to know them on a more personal/friendly level.

 

I have friends, but all of them are outside of school and I would like to be more integrated into the school/program community and environment. My question is, how can I still be involved with & become friends with my fellow grad students without ostracizing myself for not being able to do the things that typical grad students do to make friends/hang out/get to know eachother?

 

Just FYI, before people say 'well go out with them and just don't drink' in my religion and to a certain extent my culture we're not supposed to really be in a vicinity where the main purpose of it is to drink there eg. pubs and bars and it makes me uncomfortable being in those environments.

 

Any feedback would be appreciated

[rising_star]

Invite people to join you for coffee, lunch, etc. where you feel comfortable going. If you make invitations, those that want to be friendly will take you up on them. You'll still get to see/hang out with them but without the pressure of being in an alcohol-based establishment. We did this in grad school and it was fine and helped to include everyone. We also had our grad student organization hold events like an ice cream social in a park on the weekend, so that a variety of students could attend, including those with children.

[iphi]

I wouldn't worry about it. Not all socializing takes place in a bar, and people tend to be pretty understanding about restrictions. But every cohort's dynamics are different! Mine doesn't hang out so much as a big group, but have mostly made a few good friendships, with maybe half of us ever hanging out at one time in a typical week or even month. But we do have strong friendships and do things in smaller groups on the side. I do not drink either, and even though I have no restrictions about going to bars, etc. but still have probably only been to one this semester. The majority of things I do with people from school do not center around that. Many of them also have families and are past that stage of life.

 

Basically don't let the scarf/religion/whatever act as a barrier on your end! Mentally be open to friendships and socializing or you may find yourself in the awkward position of causing the thing you dread!

[shadowclaw]

First thing: anyone who will exclude you because of your religion or clothing is not someone you want to be around anyway. If you encounter any of these people, pity them for their ignorance and narrow mindedness.

Now that we have that out of the way, I wouldn't worry about feeling excluded from your cohort because you don't drink or party. If you have a very young cohort (lots of students around 22 or 23), it's possible many of them will want go to bars and parties. Not everyone lives that lifestyle, though. Besides, as people reach their mid and late twenties, they tend to realise that there are better ways to spend their time than getting blasted. Plus alcohol metabolism tends to slow down in your late twenties, causing horrible hangovers that no one wants to deal with.

So don't expect that all your cohort will want to do is drink and go on dates. In my own program, we like going out to eat as a big group every month, and we tend to hang out in smaller groups the rest of the time. We might go hiking, to the coffee shop, out for lunch, to the movies. Sometimes we just sit and study together. We do have a few students who enjoy drinking, but they do that on their own time. They don't ever suggest that we all hit the bar.

Don't forget that besides doing activities outside of school with your fellow grad students, you may find opportunities on campus to spend time with them. You can go see a guest speaker or a seminar, attend a workshop, go to social activities that different clubs and organizations put together. All you have to do is stop someone in the hall or pop into their office (if you have grad student offices) and ask if they'd like to go.

[Eigen]

Not that you need to go drinking, but I wasn't sure from your post: are you uncomfortable being around people who are drinking?

 

We've pretty consistently had people in our cohorts with religious backgrounds that don't drink, and there's never been an issue. They come and hang out with us earlier in the evening, and head home when they need to.

 

At least in my program, it's very common to go out for a relaxed drink or bite to eat earlier in the evening, and then we all head our various ways- home to family, back to the lab, out with other friends, etc.

[Cheshire_Cat]

Anyone who isn't childish should realize that it is ok for people not to drink and include you in things anyways.  Your headscarf actually might make it easier and make people more accomadating because they don't want to seem like they are religious bigots.  Universities, for the most part, are pretty liberal and if nothing else they want to give the appearance of being open minded.  I myself don't drink and am uncomfortable around drunk people, but there are certain pubs I will go to with friends, that seem more like restraunts and less like places people just go to get drunk and party. It really depends on the atmosphere, and I never stay too late.

[TakeruK]

I'd second rising_star's suggestion to make invitations to places you like going yourself! Also, while drinking together is probably the main way our program socializes (e.g. the first years get $80-$100/week to buy drinks for a social hour each Friday), it is not the only way and people who do not drink still find other ways to hang out! No one will think you are weird or otherwise ostracize you if you do not want to drink. 

 

If it does turn out that your cohort/department is small and that everyone there likes to drink and the majority of social events happen in places you don't feel comfortable in, then don't forget that there is a large graduate student community outside of your department too! Although it is convenient for many graduate students to make close friendships within their department, graduate students can and do join clubs that span the whole campus! You will definitely be able to find some student group on campus that shares similar interests

[LebaneseKafta]

Thanks everyone for the suggestions, I really appreciate it. I think that perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself but, I just don't want a repeat of 4th year undergrad, and since I will be in this program for the next 5 - 6 years I want to make sure that I'm not excluding myself and can find other ways of socializing/making friends within my program. I will definitely take up on all the suggestions and if that doesn't really work out (eg. most of my cohort are younger and go out every Friday to drink together or something) I will most probably join some clubs/organization on campus to stay involved. I've discussed this with other people in my position and generally, the same overall question is brought up - how to navigate and stay involved in typical campus life without undermining your own beliefs/lifestyle? And its a difficult one, most people usually end up sticking to people who are like them and not really interacting outside of school with the people who do those things, of course thats okay but, I'm sure there's other ways of getting around it without having to totally disengage. 

[maelia8]

I also recommend activities like going on hikes or having board game nights or going shopping together as things that you can do with other students in your cohort besides drinking and staying out late at night. Having picnic lunches together can also be lots of fun

[Karoku_valentine]

Thanks everyone for the suggestions, I really appreciate it. I think that perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself but, I just don't want a repeat of 4th year undergrad, and since I will be in this program for the next 5 - 6 years I want to make sure that I'm not excluding myself and can find other ways of socializing/making friends within my program. I will definitely take up on all the suggestions and if that doesn't really work out (eg. most of my cohort are younger and go out every Friday to drink together or something) I will most probably join some clubs/organization on campus to stay involved. I've discussed this with other people in my position and generally, the same overall question is brought up - how to navigate and stay involved in typical campus life without undermining your own beliefs/lifestyle? And its a difficult one, most people usually end up sticking to people who are like them and not really interacting outside of school with the people who do those things, of course thats okay but, I'm sure there's other ways of getting around it without having to totally disengage. 

 

Well, you also have to be very open mind. Specifically when people make jokes with you. For example, I met this American girl in my Master in the States, who was nice and fun; once we were kidding and I said if she was drunk (she was muslim and had a scarf) and she did not take it well. She did not make a scene, but definitely it felt a little awkward. However, she was liked by everyone and considered very easy going and she still lived with relatives, who were very conservative to the point of arranging her marriage (though she did love the boy). So she had everything.

 

In general, I do not think ethnicity/religion would be a problem. I had Iranian friends too and they were amazing (though they did not wear the scarf; mostly because one of the other Iranian girls told them not to, since people would not see them in the same way in a country like Korea -where we all met-, with almost zero immigrants). You can still go out and not drink. I did it all the time.

 

Also, I used to spend most of my days at the library, so I am not pretty sure graduate students go out that often.

[aberrant]

I ditto what maelia8 said. If you wanna meet people, make friends and all that in grad school, you will just have to make things happen by being the initiator. Don't ever feel obligated to hangout with your cohort (obviously).

 

I don't drink nor waste my money on alcohol neither. So when I found out individuals that share the same interest as I am, I try to make things happen -- basketball, watching soccer/sports, game night (board/card games), movies, gaming, explore local restaurants/foods, concerts, etc. to keep myself meeting people who isn't necessarily my cohort.

[maelia8]

@aberrant concerts and campus groups are also great! At my campus, students get reduced price tickets to theater events, often by famous performers, and I often get together groups of grad students to go to such events together. I'm also a member of my schools martial arts association, and working out with people is another great way to make friends without drinking and partying late at night. 

[CoolZero]

I am Iranian and have lots of friends studying PhD in U.S ( Like 30-35 ), many of them drink and many don't, but as much as I know and have spoken to them during these couple of years that they are living there, they say if you want to make friends, you can. There are many people that understand you have your beliefs and don't want to participate in certain gatherings or go to some special places, even after a while they might change their plans so they make it somehow you can take part.

[juilletmercredi]

I don't think there is a "typical" graduate student. There are many graduate students with families and/or who don't drink or like to socialize at bars. Personally, although I do drink, I loathe bars. They're loud and obnoxious, the drinks are expensive, and it's difficult to have a meaningful conversation when you're shouting over loud music and other people. Besides, that stuff about alcohol metabolism is real talk - these days if I have more than about 3 drinks I'm going to feel awful in the morning, so there's no more getting blasted at bars for me, lol. There was a guy in my program who didn't drink, and everyone knew he didn't, but he was still popular and invited out to things. When we had our monthly grad teas (which were basically us drinking alcohol and eating) someone always made sure to get a bottle of Coke for him because that's what he would drink instead.

 

At a sufficiently diverse, progressive university, your religion, your headscarf, and the fact that you don't date shouldn't make a lick of difference when making friends. I went to a really diverse university and had friends from lots of cultural and religious backgrounds, and it was super awesome. A few of my friends covered with headscarves and it just...wasn't a thing that mattered to anyone.

One thing you can do is be proactive and invite people to do stuff other than drink. So, for example, let's say that you're in the social area where grads gather and everyone's chatting and it's getting close to 5. You can pipe up and say "Hey, does anyone want to go get dinner?"  Or you can ask folks if they want to see a movie, go bowling, or do something else over the weekends. If people ask you out to bars, you can say something simple like "No thanks, I don't really go to bars because of religious reasons." If you have considerate people in your social circle, a few times doing this might alert them to choose other kinds of social events (I'm the kind of person who would say "Wait, though, remember that Sarah doesn't go to bars - let's do something else.")

 

Personally, I would be eternally grateful to the person who proposed alternative events besides bars because I dislike them* so much, and would much prefer playing board games or just chatting quietly at someone's apartment or a cafe or something to...bars.

 

*New York bars, actually, are the worst. In my small college town I don't mind the bars, but they aren't as loud and crowded.