Terrified to Tears

[Klonoa]

Hello everyone. I will be attending my first semester of grad school this Fall 2015 semester at Illinois State University studying American History. Everyday I have been thinking about the difficulty of grad school and do I have what it takes to succeed. A little about me:

 

- Graduated with B.A. in General Studies (concentration in history) from Temple University with a 3.49 GPA.

- History courses were the most interesting to me and came natural to me.

- I hate exams (though I do not have an issue with history exams) and prefer research, mainly pertaining to African American history.

- I'm a fairly slow reader, and this is the biggest part of my stress about grad school. When I was studying for my B.A. I would spend a lot of time reading, staying up late at night to get the reading assignments done.

- I love lectures and discussions, but have a strong personality and very opinionated.

- I will be working towards a M.S. non-thesis track.

 

Like I mentioned above, I'm a slow reader though I really love to read. I have already contacted my professors, and on average each class will be assigned to read one book a week. I will be full time (12 credit hours/ 3 classes), so I will be reading three books a week on average. In my undergrad career, I never did a research assignment over 10 pages (3000 words), so this will also be my first time doing 30-50 page research assignments.

 

While I am very scared about attending grad school, I really love history and the only thing I want to study in my academic career. Am I overreacting? Scared about nothing? 

Edited July 12, 2015 by Klonoa

[shinigamiasuka]

As a fellow slow reader, I'd say it usually helps to figure out your pace and manage time and coursework load accordingly. Yes, time management is key here. You say you're full time with 12 credit hours, any chance you could reduce the load? e.g. For us, the minimum for full-time enrollment is 8 credit hours; 6 if you're on assistantship. Since it's going to be my first time at a new place and all on my own, I took the minimum, 8 credits (2 4-hour courses). If I find this easy to manage, I might increase it for the next semester. However, I can still complete my degree requirements with minimum load throughout.

[firewitch]

The reading expectations have definitely been a challenge for me. I have learned to skim through everything that is required for the week, identify the most pertinent parts, and make sure I have read those more closely. Not everything that was supposed to have been read got read, unfortunately. People kept telling me I needed to learn how to read faster, but no one could explain how. I still made my grades, though.

 

This summer, I looked up the syllabi for some of my fall classes (see if your school has them posted on their website), and started reading some of the books ahead of time. Wish I had thought of this two years ago!

[random_grad]

As a non-English native speaker I read rather slowly in English so I can sympathize. The key to fast reading is to understand and accept that you don t have to read the entire book to get it.

Also, If at some point you really cant read it all, figure out which seminars actually require you to read it all to succeed. E.g. in one of my seminars during MA reading prior was a waste of time (super convoluted style and lots of advanced details) bc the professor would explain and paraphrase the reading lecture-style. Reading after was much faster and efficient (I would get the details and not just struggle through the basics).

As for long papers it will probably come naturally. But if unsure talk to prof abd analyze published papers.

It s healthy to be a little bit scared but remember that you re not alone like this. The imposter syndrome is widespread and many struggle through the same issues. You can do it! The adcom thought so, right? Trust them and do not doubt that eventually, through blood sweat an tears you will get to the required level and beyond.

[random_grad]

Consider browsing reading tips on web pages of major universities.

[TMP]

Hello everyone. I will be attending my first semester of grad school this Fall 2015 semester at Illinois State University studying American History. Everyday I have been thinking about the difficulty of grad school and do I have what it takes to succeed. A little about me:

 

- Graduated with B.A. in General Studies (concentration in history) from Temple University with a 3.49 GPA.

- History courses were the most interesting to me and came natural to me.

- I hate exams (though I do not have an issue with history exams) and prefer research, mainly pertaining to African American history.

- I'm a fairly slow reader, and this is the biggest part of my stress about grad school. When I was studying for my B.A. I would spend a lot of time reading, staying up late at night to get the reading assignments done.

- I love lectures and discussions, but have a strong personality and very opinionated.

- I will be working towards a M.S. non-thesis track.

 

Like I mentioned above, I'm a slow reader though I really love to read. I have already contacted my professors, and on average each class will be assigned to read one book a week. I will be full time (12 credit hours/ 3 classes), so I will be reading three books a week on average. In my undergrad career, I never did a research assignment over 10 pages (3000 words), so this will also be my first time doing 30-50 page research assignments.

 

While I am very scared about attending grad school, I really love history and the only thing I want to study in my academic career. Am I overreacting? Scared about nothing? 

I'm going to be pretty blunt here but hearing the truth is something that grad students need to start hearing more if they wish to succeed, especially in academia.

 

You said you love research and hate exams, why don't you do the thesis track instead?  A MA thesis is expected--basically-- for PhD programs (as you will use a section of it for your writing sample).  If your program doesn't offer it, then so be it.  

 

Most course writing assignments do not generally run over 25 pages total.  The only times I had to write more than 20 pages in a single paper were A) I had a bit more to say and only went over by a few pages and research/writing based seminars.  Writing will come naturally once you gain a firm grip of what you want to say about  your readings.

 

You may be reading 3 books a week for your courses but the reality is that you will be reading for research (and exams if that's the "capstone" for your MA).  There is no one-size-fit-all reading strategy.  There are many strategies, depending on the purpose of you reading that book/article.  I'm a bit above above for reading speed but I find that I have to slow down a lot in order to absorb and comprehend the material.   Trust me on this, you will NOT be the only first year struggling with the reading expectations.

 

Grad school won't be easy but you will be spending your time doing what you love to study- history.

 

As for courseload reduction-- it depends on your goal.  If you want to graduate in 2 years, then you need to take the full load as suggested by the program.  If that's not your goal and you have the finances (whether your own money or through a job at school) to stretch your time, but all means, go for it.  I finished my MA coursework in 3 semesters because I couldn't afford the fourth semester (and used a leave-of-absence to finish up my thesis in my fourth semester so I didn't have to pay for tuition).

 

Just don't take out more loans that you need to, especially if you have undergraduate debt.

[Between Fields]

Hello everyone. I will be attending my first semester of grad school this Fall 2015 semester at Illinois State University studying American History. Everyday I have been thinking about the difficulty of grad school and do I have what it takes to succeed. A little about me:

 

- Graduated with B.A. in General Studies (concentration in history) from Temple University with a 3.49 GPA.

- History courses were the most interesting to me and came natural to me.

- I hate exams (though I do not have an issue with history exams) and prefer research, mainly pertaining to African American history.

- I'm a fairly slow reader, and this is the biggest part of my stress about grad school. When I was studying for my B.A. I would spend a lot of time reading, staying up late at night to get the reading assignments done.

- I love lectures and discussions, but have a strong personality and very opinionated.

- I will be working towards a M.S. non-thesis track.

 

Like I mentioned above, I'm a slow reader though I really love to read. I have already contacted my professors, and on average each class will be assigned to read one book a week. I will be full time (12 credit hours/ 3 classes), so I will be reading three books a week on average. In my undergrad career, I never did a research assignment over 10 pages (3000 words), so this will also be my first time doing 30-50 page research assignments.

 

While I am very scared about attending grad school, I really love history and the only thing I want to study in my academic career. Am I overreacting? Scared about nothing? 

 

Coming from a field that a book a week is kind of slow in in some courses, I firmly advocate in a triaged approach to graduate readings. There is no way that you can read every word on every page every week.

 

Scholarly books aren't really meant to be read in the same way that novels are--read the introduction and the conclusion in full and the introduction and conclusion of each chapter, then focus on reading one chapter in depth (or two if it's a longer book) that relate to your actual interests.  Once you've done that, summarize what you've read in one single-spaced page. Spend 3/4 of it on the book as a whole and the last fourth on that specific chapter you read and don't let yourself write more than that one page. Focus on summarizing the author's project. It should be more than enough for a discussion. 

 

In general, though, this imposter syndrome thing is totally to be expected for someone new to graduate school. It's just a matter of finding the tricks that work for you.

[Klonoa]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and input. It has helped me calmed down a little. 

[thedig13]

As for writing more lengthy papers, I wouldn't worry too much. Even if you had done longer research papers before, it's not quite the same as the work you'll be doing in graduate school anyway. In some ways, I've had to re-learn how to write academic papers. (I speak from my own experience. Others' mileage may vary.)

 

In other words, you'll figure it out over time. It also helps to have good mentors who are active/supportive and able to offer close readings/criticisms of your writing drafts.

Edited July 15, 2015 by thedig13

[ToomuchLes]

As for writing more lengthy papers, I wouldn't worry too much. Even if you had done longer research papers before, it's not quite the same as the work you'll be doing in graduate school anyway. In some ways, I've had to re-learn how to write academic papers. (I speak from my own experience. Others' mileage may vary.)

 

In other words, you'll figure it out over time. It also helps to have good mentors who are active/supportive and able to offer close readings/criticisms of your writing drafts.

 

Would you please elaborate more.

Ive taken a handful of seminars during my undergrad. For most seminars, we were given a single research assignment that we worked on for 7-9 weeks. In the final last weeks, we would do a little presentation about our research papers, and take questions. On average, the papers were between 15-25 (my longest was ~23 pages, not including bib). I was under the assumption grad leveled classes are similar.

 

Likewise, when I was an undergrad, I was on the quarter system. For grad school, I'll be on the semester system so Im curious how this will effect the length of a paper. Also, if under the quarter system I read about 1-2 books a week for 10 weeks, does that mean for the semester system I'll need 18+ books for a single class?

[mvlchicago]

Would you please elaborate more.

Ive taken a handful of seminars during my undergrad. For most seminars, we were given a single research assignment that we worked on for 7-9 weeks. In the final last weeks, we would do a little presentation about our research papers, and take questions. On average, the papers were between 15-25 (my longest was ~23 pages, not including bib). I was under the assumption grad leveled classes are similar.

 

Likewise, when I was an undergrad, I was on the quarter system. For grad school, I'll be on the semester system so Im curious how this will effect the length of a paper. Also, if under the quarter system I read about 1-2 books a week for 10 weeks, does that mean for the semester system I'll need 18+ books for a single class?

EDIT: Completely misread your second comment, but looking at the syllabi I've seen for my first two term experience, it seems that the model of buy-5-core-books is functional. 

Re: Seminar papers, I'm not an expert, but I did take several upper-level PhD seminars in undergrad and I think the way I'd characterize this difference is not so much of quality, but how you conceptualize your essays. Like, my undergrad thesis was meant for me to explore whatever I found interesting so long as it fit the broad rubric of history primary source research with some set of secondary articles and books.

The PhD seminars, however, interrogated the questions I asked predicated on their relevance to what other people found interesting. That is to say, it treated the writing of their research papers as something that could conceivably be published in a journal not just based on quality but based on the methods, sources, and conversation that were happening in said journal at the time. The difference–relearning how to write–I think came from having only had to previously write for people who were basically paid to read my writing and now being asked to write for people who would have zero stakes in what I thought or how I thought it. I therefore had to learn how precisely to articulate my thoughts according to precise vocabulary and ideas that were being expressed by not just leading scholars in my fields but also the people who'd been publishing in the journals over the past five years for example. 

Edited July 16, 2015 by mvlchicago

[thedig13]

Sure. Among the programs I'm familiar with, there are two types of courses: research seminars, which seems to be what you have experience with (e.g., propose a paper, research, write, edit, present), and reading seminars, where you read a bunch of books and then write a literature review, the Human Centipede of Book Reviews. The reading load in these courses vary by professor, but I'd guess that I read about 1.3-1.5 books per week per class (e.g., a book and maybe 1-2 additional articles or selected chapters).

 

When I say that graduate-level writing has been different for me, I mean that in two ways. First, as an undergrad, I'd never really been challenged to think about readings in metahistorical ways. In other words, I read for content/facts rather than the historians' underlying argument and his/her relationship to other historians/arguments. However, most of the writing I've done in grad school has been reviews rather than research, so this has essentially forced me to start thinking (and writing) in metahistorical (rather than content-based) ways. These new ways of thinking/reading also bleed over into research, and the way I organize and conceptualize my research papers has changed.

 

Secondly, my first year of graduate school really challenged me to grow and change and evolve as a student. As a consequence of this, pretty much everything I did as an undergrad (including my thesis) feels like it could've been pulled off by a high school freshman.

 

Essentially, what I was insinuating is that, even if Klonoa had written some fancy 25-page paper, he/she would've looked back on it after a month in grad school and been like "Wow. This was garbage. What was I thinking?" I remember being really, really, really proud of my own undergrad thesis, then taking a peek at it mid-grad school and feeling like I could've done it so much better. What I'm getting at is that graduate school is a challenging experience for everybody, regardless of what your training as an undergrad was like. It makes you feel like you're stupid and that you're lagging behind, even when you're not; it was certainly a humbling experience for me--I used to think I was some badass, Sherlockian genius; now I know that I'm just okay and that I need to work a lot more to become great.

Whether or not you wrote a 25-page research paper as an undergrad, graduate school is meant to train you to think/read/write in new and different (and perhaps better) ways. Writing my thesis was a good experience at the time, but grad school forces you to move on from those previous accomplishments very quickly.

Edited July 16, 2015 by thedig13

[thedig13]

As a follow-up to my previous post, what Klonoa experienced is pretty common in grad school. Like I said, students feel like they're stupid/inadequate/underprepared/falling behind all the time, regardless of what their actual level of competence/ability/experience/performance is. For me (and others I know), one of the big challenges of being a first year was getting over that paralyzing sense of inferiority so that you can buckle down and focus on getting work done.

[Klonoa]

As a follow-up to my previous post, what Klonoa experienced is pretty common in grad school. Like I said, students feel like they're stupid/inadequate/underprepared/falling behind all the time, regardless of what their actual level of competence/ability/experience/performance is. For me (and others I know), one of the big challenges of being a first year was getting over that paralyzing sense of inferiority so that you can buckle down and focus on getting work done.

 

You have pointed out my fears perfectly. I already feel stupid in general for not being a fast reader. I have met students in my undergrad years and have read here on the forums of people being able to read a book in one sitting, or able to read three books in one week. For me to accomplish the task of reading, it will take up many hours of my day (thank goodness I don't have children to compete with my reading time). One top of that, I have not done any in-depth research. For my undergrad I only had to take two writing intensive courses, which only required critical analysis, opinion response, and a 10 page (3,000 word) research assignment. I honestly do feel that on the first day of class I will be the most stupid person in class. When I am alone using my free time to read history texts or watching documentaries I feel confident in my comprehension, but when I'm in an academic setting having to listen to other's brag about their abilities and accomplishments I feel very small and insecure. I'm afraid that the professor will want me to be on the level of the best student rather than judging me on my own ability.

[knp]

Honestly, this might just be me, but I tend to be more impressed with my less prepared classmates in any given setting. They're not coasting on polish and shine; the admissions people saw talent in their work, even in its less polished state.

 

Personally, I'm now a decent writer, but at the time I entered Richy Richperson College at age 18, I had once written and had my mind blown by the process of writing a paper that was three and a half whole pages long. Taking writing classes with various shiny Toby McPrivateschools as my classmates was not really fun, so I empathize. But I got through it, and so can you! I can't deny that the learning curve is medium steep, but don't give up, because you will start to get it and that's really satisfying.

 

Also, I am a fast reader, but I can't even a little bit get through an academic book in one sitting if I want to try to read the whole thing. As mentioned earlier, you learn how to focus on reading for argument and for what's most relevant to you: see post #7, and there are whole threads somewhere in this subforum dedicated to just the subject of how to read efficiently in grad school.

[TMP]

You have pointed out my fears perfectly. I already feel stupid in general for not being a fast reader. I have met students in my undergrad years and have read here on the forums of people being able to read a book in one sitting, or able to read three books in one week. For me to accomplish the task of reading, it will take up many hours of my day (thank goodness I don't have children to compete with my reading time). One top of that, I have not done any in-depth research. For my undergrad I only had to take two writing intensive courses, which only required critical analysis, opinion response, and a 10 page (3,000 word) research assignment. I honestly do feel that on the first day of class I will be the most stupid person in class. When I am alone using my free time to read history texts or watching documentaries I feel confident in my comprehension, but when I'm in an academic setting having to listen to other's brag about their abilities and accomplishments I feel very small and insecure. I'm afraid that the professor will want me to be on the level of the best student rather than judging me on my own ability.

 

What some have pointed out, everyone is going to struggle in their first years of grad school.  It doesn't matter where you're coming from-- graduate school is meant to bring in people from different places and mold them in similar fashion.  This means, one person could be amazing at A but suck at B and has never heard of C, another will excel at B but struggle to conceptualize C and is okay at A, and the third person can somewhat handle A, B, and C and the professors will work to get all three to balance out their strengths and areas of improvement so that by the time they finish, each person can handle A, B, and C with competency.

 

For me, I struggled A LOT (and still need reminders) to read and engage in others' questions outside of my own.  For example, I'm hardly a person interested in the history of religion but my field demands that I get some familiarity with it.  When I first read such works, I try to find ways to connect with them (usually through a socio-political perspective).   When I meet with the professor, he'd ask, "What's the research question?  What is the argument?"  I'd blanked out because I never thought to step out of my comfort zone and find that person's research question because I was too busy looking for connections between that work and my research interests.  Preparing for my candidacy exams has forced me to resolve this issue so that when I discuss works with other people, I can demonstrate that I (now) have the ability to read other scholars and engage with their research questions outside of my areas of research inquiry.

 

Meanwhile, my adviser doesn't spend much time polishing my research skills because they're shiny compared to the rough diamond above.

 

Everyone has an individual journey to the same end.  Some need to meander more than others.  Some need to take a right turn while others need to take a left.  But you all have the same goal: obtaining that degree.

[Riotbeard]

What some have pointed out, everyone is going to struggle in their first years of grad school.  It doesn't matter where you're coming from-- graduate school is meant to bring in people from different places and mold them in similar fashion.  This means, one person could be amazing at A but suck at B and has never heard of C, another will excel at B but struggle to conceptualize C and is okay at A, and the third person can somewhat handle A, B, and C and the professors will work to get all three to balance out their strengths and areas of improvement so that by the time they finish, each person can handle A, B, and C with competency.

 

For me, I struggled A LOT (and still need reminders) to read and engage in others' questions outside of my own.  For example, I'm hardly a person interested in the history of religion but my field demands that I get some familiarity with it.  When I first read such works, I try to find ways to connect with them (usually through a socio-political perspective).   When I meet with the professor, he'd ask, "What's the research question?  What is the argument?"  I'd blanked out because I never thought to step out of my comfort zone and find that person's research question because I was too busy looking for connections between that work and my research interests.  Preparing for my candidacy exams has forced me to resolve this issue so that when I discuss works with other people, I can demonstrate that I (now) have the ability to read other scholars and engage with their research questions outside of my areas of research inquiry.

 

Meanwhile, my adviser doesn't spend much time polishing my research skills because they're shiny compared to the rough diamond above.

 

Everyone has an individual journey to the same end.  Some need to meander more than others.  Some need to take a right turn while others need to take a left.  But you all have the same goal: obtaining that degree.

 

Ultimately you will have to re-learn how to write a couple of times.  Seminar papers might be the first draft of an article, but ultimately the research and reading required to get an article published in a solid journal is simply a different level.  Likewise, you have to re-learn how to write when you get to the dissertation.  Writing a long-cohesive work is a very different mentality from a seminar paper (my first attempt at writing a chapter got rejected from my adviser, and for good reason), it took a lot of deep thinking to figure out how to build a manuscript ( I am still doing it, haha).

 

The thing is though, you don't have to figure everything out by day one.  They don't expect you to come in fully formed.  Instead of being afraid of looking like an idiot, be ready to ask a lot of questions and learn.  Everyone is roughly at the same spot in the first years.  Some of the students who come in with a masters might be a bit ahead, but many are not that far, and within a year, everyone is on the same page roughly.  A lot of grad students have confidence issues, but ultimately this can only hurt you.  This doesn't mean being an egotistical maniac, but be comfortable in conversation.  This sometimes means being wrong, but it also will allow you for course-corrections throughout your career, instead of being afraid to be wrong, and never get to test your ideas.