Don't know how to deal

[geographyrocks]

I haven't posted here in a while.  It's partly because I'm busy all the time and partly because I'm absolutely miserable right now.  I know I'll find some people who have gone through this or have words of advice. 

To sum up: I feel like a complete failure.  I can't seem to get any substantial work done.  I feel like my research is completely useless and a black hole of despair.  I went straight from undergrad to a PhD program.  I spent my first year teaching, and I got a lot of stuff accomplished.  I won the NSF which started during my second year.  That's when things went downhill.  I didn't get hardly anything done during the summer between my first and second year.  I did my comps in the fall (last year) and barely passed.  My advisor recently told me that I'm not as far along as I should be.  He also advised that I write up a masters thesis to defend in the fall.  He said it would give me experience, and I could move onto the PhD after that.  I have to say that I agree. 

And yet, the entire thing makes me feel like a failure.  My advisor has not really been involved although we have weekly meetings.  He rarely suggests things I should do or that I should be working on.  He even admitted that he should have been more involved.  The research I'm working on is novel in that not many people are crazy enough to even try it due to a lack of data.  I also volunteer at USGS which is great experience as well as connections, but I don't have time for it. 

I also came into grad school with a limited background in my field as well as missing Calculus and Physics classes.  Due to some administrative BS, I'm finally taking those classes this summer and I'll take two more in the Fall.  But as anyone who has taken Calc or Physics knows, these classes take a lot of time just to do the minimum amount of work.

Bottom line: I'm overwhelmed. I'm depressed.  I feel like a failure.  I keep thinking about just dropping out right now and running away with a circus or becoming a beach bum.  Any words of advice? Ideas? Thoughts?

P.S. I saw a therapist weekly until two weeks ago.  He found a new job so I won't see a new therapist until the end of June. 

[Sigaba]

For the emotional component of your experience, I strongly recommend that you focus on your sessions with your therapist, especially in regards to coping with the way you feel.

From an intellectual standpoint, I recommend that you try to think differently about your experiences as a graduate student. You passed your qualifying exams, full stop. If the exams revealed areas where you would benefit from improvement, then put those areas on a "to do list." Don't beat yourself up. If anything, you might celebrate the fact that you passed qualifying exams without the background that students in your area typically have.

Second, you didn't win a NSF, you EARNED one through the hard work you've done so far and for the potential for future achievements that you've demonstrated. Draw confidence from what you have done. 

Third, recognize that graduate school is often a "self taught" affair. Advisers don't always offer the kind of support one would like. (I am NOT bitter about this dynamic. Not at all.) One of the things that you can teach yourself is the skill of finding other people who are willing to help you and resources upon which you can rely.

Fourth, understand that your research is not useless. Based upon your comments, you're on the leading edge. It may well be that the pain your feeling is partly due to the fact that the leading edge is often the bleeding edge. Give some thought to finding ways to connect your work to existing trajectories of research. Use that research to strengthen your foundation and your work may feel more "connected." Also understand that by being on the leading edge, that by getting there first, you will be defining subsequent scholarly debate. "Geographyrocks? Heck, that person got it right/got it wrong and I'm going to spend the next five years proving it!" 

Circling back to the emotional component, focus upon the usable guidance you developed while working with your therapist.

 

[St Andrews Lynx]

Progress in a PhD program comes in waves, rather than as a steady torrent. I've had some months where I've cranked a lot out of data and made progress towards publishable data (journal publications are the currency of PhD progress in my sub-field). There have also been stretches where I flagged. Or where I ran a lot of experiments but had only negative results to show for it. 

The point is: you have 5 or so years in the PhD program. One slow year doesn't signify doom! You have one productive year under your belt...so that means you're capable of being productive when balancing stuff like teaching and applying for grants. 

Part of the challenge is to manage (self)-expectations and keep your internal/external voices calibrated. What might be "useless research" and "no progress" inside your head could well be "cutting edge research" and "good progress" to onlookers. There are some advisors who will always be under-satisfied with research progress (I don't know if your advisor fits into this category, but there are plenty who do). The fact he's giving advice about the Masters' thesis is a good sign he thinks you can improve your research output (if you were a lost cause, why would he bother helping you?!).

I know that the classes will be a challenge, but enlist as much help as you can. Consider hiring a tutor or bribing a calc wiz you know with lunches/coffees for their assistance. Make eager use of the office hours. Ask your colleagues to see if anybody can lend you their old notes/textbooks/practice problems/past exams. 

Bottom line. Dropping out is an over-reaction. Keep swimming!

[Need Coffee in an IV]

I would have to say a lot of people feel the way you do, they just won't admit it! Why did you enter a Ph.D program? I think the masters thesis option would be a great idea. That way you have an "out". My boyfriend left grad school because he was unhappy with the research (he was in a geology program too). I feel like having a masters allows you to have a lot of options to work in the field. I just recently completed my undergrad in geology. But you have accomplished a great deal! You should be proud! And I know how you feelab out physics....

[Apogeee]

3 hours ago, geographyrocks said:

I haven't posted here in a while.  It's partly because I'm busy all the time and partly because I'm absolutely miserable right now.  I know I'll find some people who have gone through this or have words of advice. 

To sum up: I feel like a complete failure.  I can't seem to get any substantial work done.  I feel like my research is completely useless and a black hole of despair.  I went straight from undergrad to a PhD program.  I spent my first year teaching, and I got a lot of stuff accomplished.  I won the NSF which started during my second year.  That's when things went downhill.  I didn't get hardly anything done during the summer between my first and second year.  I did my comps in the fall (last year) and barely passed.  My advisor recently told me that I'm not as far along as I should be.  He also advised that I write up a masters thesis to defend in the fall.  He said it would give me experience, and I could move onto the PhD after that.  I have to say that I agree. 

And yet, the entire thing makes me feel like a failure.  My advisor has not really been involved although we have weekly meetings.  He rarely suggests things I should do or that I should be working on.  He even admitted that he should have been more involved.  The research I'm working on is novel in that not many people are crazy enough to even try it due to a lack of data.  I also volunteer at USGS which is great experience as well as connections, but I don't have time for it. 

I also came into grad school with a limited background in my field as well as missing Calculus and Physics classes.  Due to some administrative BS, I'm finally taking those classes this summer and I'll take two more in the Fall.  But as anyone who has taken Calc or Physics knows, these classes take a lot of time just to do the minimum amount of work.

Bottom line: I'm overwhelmed. I'm depressed.  I feel like a failure.  I keep thinking about just dropping out right now and running away with a circus or becoming a beach bum.  Any words of advice? Ideas? Thoughts?

P.S. I saw a therapist weekly until two weeks ago.  He found a new job so I won't see a new therapist until the end of June. 

I'm sorry you feel like a failure. This has been called impostor syndrome. A lot of graduate students have it. Please continue your therapy. I would consider the thesis option. For one thing, once you are done with classes, you are going to have to write a dissertation, and that is a huge, lonely process, full of more opportunities for impostor syndrome to flourish. But when it hits, you will have a masters degree to point at and remind yourself of all you have done. And you have accomplished a great deal. Don't compare yourself against some ideal - it's a waste of time. And don't minimize the value of what you have done. The job of your school is to get you to the point where you are an expert in your field. If you were already an expert, why would you go to school for it, after all. Good luck in your classes. Please keep venting here, if you find it helpful. We care.

[geographyrocks]

Thanks for the feedback.  I don't know why I set such ridiculous goals for myself.  There aren't even many reasons for me to go on to a PhD except that I enjoy doing my own research and it's a huge accomplishment.  However, I have no interest in teaching which is a big reason why people go the PhD route.  I think I need to learn that I'm not super human.  And one thing I'm trying to focus on more is being happy while getting through all of this rather than thinking that as soon as I finish all of this, I'll be happy. 

Apogee: I'm all too familiar with imposter syndrome.  I thought that I had it under control, but it was obviously just hiding.  Our brains are funny things. 

[rising_star]

7 hours ago, geographyrocks said:

Thanks for the feedback.  I don't know why I set such ridiculous goals for myself.  There aren't even many reasons for me to go on to a PhD except that I enjoy doing my own research and it's a huge accomplishment.  However, I have no interest in teaching which is a big reason why people go the PhD route. 

Ummm... if you enjoy doing your own research and want to make a career of it, you may very well need to do the PhD. Check out the CVs of researchers in your field and/or do informational interviews with them to be sure.

Also, I just want to share something. When I started my PhD, I had no interest in or plans to teach after graduation. Now, I teach and I love it. Could I see myself doing it forever? No, but I think that's true of just about anything given how diverse my interests are. Is it fun for right now? Most of the time, yes. My point is that your ideas about what you want to be doing can change, especially as life and the job market change around you. Keep your options as open as possible until you figure out how to position yourself for your dream job.

[AP]

On 6/8/2016 at 4:55 PM, geographyrocks said:

My advisor has not really been involved although we have weekly meetings.  He rarely suggests things I should do or that I should be working on.  He even admitted that he should have been more involved.  The research I'm working on is novel in that not many people are crazy enough to even try it due to a lack of data. 

I'm not going to repeat what other have said. I agree with their advice and I also think you should a. focus on your sessions, b. highlight your achievements, c. think long term. 

I was a little stroke by this comment. Unlike undergrad, grad school is up to you. Your advisor probably feels that he/she thought you'll be able to manage the "freedom" or autonomy but clearly you needed someone to accompany you a little closer, at least for sometime. This is not rare. Based on what you tell us, it feels that you are doing a better job than you think. If it takes a little longer, what's wrong with that? A very close friend of mine is a similar situation as you. He always gets very harsh feedback from his advisor (which turns out to be very useful) and I have seen him cry numerous times because EVERY TIME he gets an e-mail he thinks he should quit. 

Part of grad school is to grow, and growing hurts a little. Just take a breath, gain perspective, and then make small decisions that will help you stay on track and gain your PhD. 

Good luck!