spouses/partners

[alexis]

My husband immigrated to the US from England to marry me and has been out of college for a few years now.

Same here! I'm trying to stay where we currently live in the US, for a few personal reasons & so he can keep his job, but if it doesn't work out this year, I plan on expanding my search and also applying to schools in the UK.

[LadyL]

My partner of 5 1/2 years, who I currently live with, will be moving with me. He was planning on looking for a new job soon anyway since his company cut his hours, so right now he is biding his time for a few months and will start looking for a new job in whatever city the school I (hopefully) get into is in. I am really lucky that he is flexible about the idea of picking up and leaving our area - we both really like it here but need to go where opportunity takes us. I did feel guilty asking him to move but he is kind of ready to move on regardless so that helps.

[a fragrant plant]

My husband immigrated to the US from England to marry me and has been out of college for a few years now. He's going to pack up with me and continue working. I only applied to universities in major cities within the US and the UK to increase his chances of employment. He does computer programming stuff, so hopefully he's able to get a job.

that's what my fiance going to do as well. may I ask what visa does your husband hold?

[tem11]

that's what my fiance going to do as well. may I ask what visa does your husband hold?

He arrived in the US on a K-1 Fiance visa in March of 09. He's now a permanent resident. We're hoping if I go to grad school in the UK, we can get a re-entry permit document thingy so he doesn't lose his green card. Oh, immigration! Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

Alexis, does your husband have citizenship yet? It seems a bit complicated to leave the U.S. without citizenship...

[rogue]

After swearing that I would date no one for my application year, because I wanted to keep things uncomplicated, I somehow ended up in a (very new) relationship with a lovely girl. I think it's pretty much understood, though, that she won't be coming with me. She's in a competitive professional program she needs to finish, and we haven't been together long enough (just a couple months) for me to even think of asking her to change her plans for me. However, if I end up at one of the two programs in our city, or one of the three others within a two-hour drive, who knows what will happen. But I promised myself I would not make a decision based on a relationship. Since this is such a recent development, I have that luxury. Still... argh.

[alexis]

He arrived in the US on a K-1 Fiance visa in March of 09. He's now a permanent resident. We're hoping if I go to grad school in the UK, we can get a re-entry permit document thingy so he doesn't lose his green card. Oh, immigration! Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

Alexis, does your husband have citizenship yet? It seems a bit complicated to leave the U.S. without citizenship...

To peanuttheanthro: My husband also came over on a K-1 visa in September of 2006 (after applying for the visa in February and getting it approved in May), then we got married in November 06. He was granted his greencard in April 07, started looking for work, and got a job to start in July 2007.

He just got his 10-year green card, which is really nice, because we don't have to worry about immigration issues for 10 years. (Note: we didn't have to get an interview for the 2-year or 10-year green card, which was awesome.)

TerriM, I'm not sure what would happen if we left the US for a long time. My husband doesn't have citizenship and doesn't plan on getting it, but you can apply to be a citizen after 5 years as a permanent resident I believe, so for us that would be in 2012. It's something I'd have to research if we did ever decide to move back to the UK. Is this something you've looked into? (Unless you're talking about traveling, in which case, it's super easy; once you have the green card, you can go anywhere just like any other American. While we were waiting for the green card after getting the K-1 visa, he could only stay within the US without things being a HUGE HUGE headache and risking a denial of re-entry, so we took our honeymoon at the US Virgin Islands, since it was technically still US territory )

Also, for anyone who is interested, a GREAT forum/resource is visajourney.com. It seriously saved me many times in the process. We also used britishexpats.com a lot.

Edited January 6, 2010 by alexis

[a fragrant plant]

Thanks ladies. Unfortunately I'm not a US citizen nor permanent resident. Things are complicated for us. I'm hoping to get a J1 so that he can work while I am studying but I'm not hopeful. I hate visas.

[tem11]

TerriM, I'm not sure what would happen if we left the US for a long time. My husband doesn't have citizenship and doesn't plan on getting it, but you can apply to be a citizen after 5 years as a permanent resident I believe, so for us that would be in 2012. It's something I'd have to research if we did ever decide to move back to the UK. Is this something you've looked into? (Unless you're talking about traveling, in which case, it's super easy; once you have the green card, you can go anywhere just like any other American. While we were waiting for the green card after getting the K-1 visa, he could only stay within the US without things being a HUGE HUGE headache and risking a denial of re-entry, so we took our honeymoon at the US Virgin Islands, since it was technically still US territory )

Also, for anyone who is interested, a GREAT forum/resource is visajourney.com. It seriously saved me many times in the process. We also used britishexpats.com a lot.

Since your husband came over on a K-1 visa, he's eligible for naturalization after only 3 years as a permanent resident. It's 5 years for some people, but since he married a U.S. citizen it's only 3. Any reason he doesn't want it? They say you have to renounce your British citizenship when you get your US one, but apparently the UK government doesn't recognize that renouncement so you can have dual citizenship still.

As for leaving the US for a long time, a permanent resident (10 year or conditional) can only leave the U.S. for a maximum of 6 months out of a year whereas a citizen can leave for however long they want. So, since my husband will still be a permanent resident at the time of my graduate study, he'd have to pay $400 to apply for a reentry permit. As is typical with the USCIS, there's "no guarantee" he'll be allowed back in after going over the 6 month limit even with the permit. Would be so much easier if he had citizenship already, but we have 2 more years to go. Then hopefully I'll start working on my UK citizenship.

And I second what you say about visajourney and britishexpats. It saved us so much time and money!

Sorry for the derail, everyone. In short, immigration is a nightmare.

[alexis]

Since your husband came over on a K-1 visa, he's eligible for naturalization after only 3 years as a permanent resident. It's 5 years for some people, but since he married a U.S. citizen it's only 3. Any reason he doesn't want it? They say you have to renounce your British citizenship when you get your US one, but apparently the UK government doesn't recognize that renouncement so you can have dual citizenship still.

This. He has an aunt and uncle in the US who have lived here for 30 years and never got citizenship, and he doesn't see the point either. It's just not really a priority for him. We also kind of have a philosophical beef with them making you renounce your citizenship, even if your home country doesn't recognize it. "Proud to be an American" will never exactly be in his vocabulary (though he's not anti-America or anything). If we end up really needing to do it, we'll reevaluate.

As for leaving the US for a long time, a permanent resident (10 year or conditional) can only leave the U.S. for a maximum of 6 months out of a year whereas a citizen can leave for however long they want. So, since my husband will still be a permanent resident at the time of my graduate study, he'd have to pay $400 to apply for a reentry permit. As is typical with the USCIS, there's "no guarantee" he'll be allowed back in after going over the 6 month limit even with the permit. Would be so much easier if he had citizenship already, but we have 2 more years to go. Then hopefully I'll start working on my UK citizenship.

Good to know! I hope things work out for you and your husband with your graduate studies, it's a real pain dealing with all the citizenship/USCIS nonsense. My husband and I will most likely be staying in the US for awhile (especially if I get accepted into PhD programs this round!), so hopefully we won't have to deal with this for awhile.

[purplepepper]

As for leaving the US for a long time, a permanent resident (10 year or conditional) can only leave the U.S. for a maximum of 6 months out of a year whereas a citizen can leave for however long they want. So, since my husband will still be a permanent resident at the time of my graduate study, he'd have to pay $400 to apply for a reentry permit. As is typical with the USCIS, there's "no guarantee" he'll be allowed back in after going over the 6 month limit even with the permit. Would be so much easier if he had citizenship already, but we have 2 more years to go. Then hopefully I'll start working on my UK citizenship.

Are you sure it's 6 months? My husband has a conditional 2 year green card at the moment and I believe that he is allowed to be away for a year without having to apply for a reentry permit. Just want to make sure, immigration issues are always tricky

[tem11]

Are you sure it's 6 months? My husband has a conditional 2 year green card at the moment and I believe that he is allowed to be away for a year without having to apply for a reentry permit. Just want to make sure, immigration issues are always tricky

Positive. It's in the "welcome to America" book for permanent residents. Though I suppose if the conditional green card is good for 2 years, he could technically be away for one year total since 6 months from one year + 6 months from the second year= 12 months.

Best of luck to you, too, Alexis! Understandable that he doesn't want to give into any more USCIS demands than necessary.

I didn't realize so many people on gradcafe were married to foreigners!

[spozik]

My SO will come with me eventually or immediately, depending on where I end up. I applied to a few schools within a couple hours of where we live now, and she could work out a flex-time schedule where she would work from home wherever we are most days and they would fly her back or she would drive back up when there is something she needed to be there in person for.

Other than that, I imagine that she would stay on her current project until it was done and then look for something new wherever I end up.

We've talked about it a bit, but it's difficult talking in hypotheticals. Once I start hearing back from places about admissions/rejections, it'll be easier to discuss these kinds of things. For now, it's almost silly going into the details of the different scenarios of every single school.

[meg]

My husband and I are in our mid-20s and have been married for almost five years. Currently, my husband is finishing his PhD and I'm working, but in the next year we hope to pull off the switch: I'm applying to master's and PhD programs for the coming fall, and he's applying to jobs. Like many who've posted to this thread, we're mostly adhering to a vague plan of applying to opportunities in the same cities and hoping for the best. However, if it doesn't work out--if we're fortunate or unfortunate enough to be offered unparalleled opportunities in two different places--I think we're both committed at this point to doing whatever is best for our professional development. We're ambitious, we don't have kids yet, and we trust each other enough to make it work. What better time will we have to pursue these goals?

I should add that my husband and I have already had the experience of living apart. After I graduated from my bachelor's program, I took a job in another city (I had a service obligation to the US govt) while my husband started his PhD. We saw each other 1-2 times a month, flying between cities on cheap Southwest tickets. The whole situation lasted just over a year. Once I finished my service obligation, I decided that I needed to increase either my professional or my personal level of fulfillment (I wasn't in love with my job). I moved back and found a job in my husband's city. But it was pretty smooth sailing for us the whole time. That is, it wasn't a delight to live apart, but it certainly didn't damage our relationship--in fact, I'm sure it made it stronger--and we'd be willing to do it again if necessary.

That said, the possibility that I could get into a PhD program on one coast while he gets a tenure-track position on the other does frighten me. Committing to a year or two apart is one thing. Committing to five+ years is another. At this point, though, there's not much we can do except sit back and wait for responses. Maybe it'll all work out, and things will be just dandy. If it doesn't and we have a tough decision to make, at least we can make that decision around facts instead of hypotheticals (she says, as if under the impression that this will be a totally level-headed decision-making process...).

Good luck to you all!

[solairne]

What happens when there is a couple that both have PhDs and want to stay in academia. I've heard that if one is particularly good and has a job offer at a university, the university will generally offer some sort of TT position to the spouse. But what about couples that just got their PhDs, or couples that are in the process of each getting one. Is it even feasible for them to expect to work in the same city together? That seems like such a logistical nightmare.

[piccgeek]

Pretty much the main reason I'm even in the application cycle this season is because I miss my fiance. We're both in grad school now--he's phd track at MIT and I'm in my first year of a two year MA program at our undergrad school in Indiana. The distance isn't killing our relationship or anything, but I'm finding I find my coursework less fulfilling because I'm unhappy with the distance situation, so I found a completely new potential field and applied to MIT. During last year's round of applications, when we were both in the thick of the process, I was hellbound on a phd and an academic career, and while he also wanted a phd he was (and still is) planning on a career in the private sector, so that made the long-term future more flexible. We did what several of the previous posters have described--made a list of universities/cities where we would both be happy, hoping that we could both get into at least one school on that list, and then we both applied to our mutual undergrad as a just-in-case. He got in everywhere, I got in nowhere except the undergrad. I couldn't ask him to stay here (even though it's a really good program in his field) when he got into the number one school, so he packed up and headed out to Boston (well, Cambridge technically, I suppose). Whether or not I pursue a PhD after this MA, I am definitely following him to Boston while he finishes the PhD. If I don't get into any programs out there, I'll find a job. After one semester of a long distance relationship and graduate studies, I've decided I love him more than the through-the-looking-glass wonderland that is the English departments of American academia. I won't lie--a big reason I'm shying away from academia as a career is the fear that i will spend the next 20 years of my life wondering how he and I will be together. I mean, all couples have to make these decisions, but we all know the academic life is particularly unstable until that magical mystical time of tenure.

[pea-jay]

My wife is a teacher with credentials sought after by a number of school districts. Our goal was to have her get a job when I work on my masters. Normally I wouldnt worry too much that this wont pan out, but the economy sucks and that has crimped hiring. She has already been laid off three times (each time finding work somewhere else nearby the following year) but sooner or later that luck would run out. I'm hopeful we can pull this one off as this would be our biggest move yet (CA to NY). No plan B yet if she doesnt get a job.

[peppermint.beatnik]

What happens when there is a couple that both have PhDs and want to stay in academia. I've heard that if one is particularly good and has a job offer at a university, the university will generally offer some sort of TT position to the spouse. But what about couples that just got their PhDs, or couples that are in the process of each getting one. Is it even feasible for them to expect to work in the same city together? That seems like such a logistical nightmare.

spousal appointments are not uncommon. nor is teaching at different universities, unfortunately.

[strokeofmidnight]

I'm hoping to have it both ways. My partner is currently in a PhD program. My top choice coincides with his program--it would have been a top pick for me even if he wasn't in the picture. IF this works out, we would both land in an ideal program for our different subfields (though we're both in English).

For what it's worth, we've both made some pretty tough decisions in order to avoid breaking up or a long-distance relationship. When when were both applying during a previous round, I had turned down ivy league offers to avoid dealing with the distance. Still, much as I would love to get into his program, I am applying broadly...and would be willing to go elsewhere if that's what it takes.

Even if it works out for grad school, we'll probably face the same dilemma when we go on the job market in 5 or 6 years.

[Serric]

After talking it over with the girlfriend a month ago, and after my rejections from both my California schools/my acceptance into my top choice of Michigan, my situation has gone from bad to good: she offered to move with me and try to do her vet medicine degree at Michigan State University.

I'm buying her David Attenborough's "The Life" collection as my way of saying thank you. She deserves it.

[coffeeandtoast]

My spouse is currently working on his Phd and I am working and applying to the one decent grad program in the area. I am freaking out because if I don't get in, which we all know is a strong possibility since I only have one application out right now, I don't really have a plan B.

Same here. I feel for you. Good luck though.

[juror#1]

Originally my fiance and I were going to both apply for schools, or at least he was going to apply to the same schools I am, as my field is smaller and more specialized. But now he has decided to enter the work force and is being amazing and just planning on moving wherever I get accepted. We knew the last thing we wanted was to be separated, especially since we are getting married in July and we have done the whole long distance thing before. Luckily he is in engineering and hopefully should have some good job opportunities.

[Piwi]

Originally my fiance and I were going to both apply for schools, or at least he was going to apply to the same schools I am, as my field is smaller and more specialized. But now he has decided to enter the work force and is being amazing and just planning on moving wherever I get accepted. We knew the last thing we wanted was to be separated, especially since we are getting married in July and we have done the whole long distance thing before. Luckily he is in engineering and hopefully should have some good job opportunities.

I'm in a very very similar situation: Originally planned to both apply to schools, now my SO wants to enter workforce. SO is in engineering.

The only glitch is that right now my top choice program (that I think I can get into) is pretty rural, and I'm not sure my SO could get a job there. SO is actually applying for a couple jobs on the same coast, but around a 3 hr plane ride away

[juror#1]

I'm in a very very similar situation: Originally planned to both apply to schools, now my SO wants to enter workforce. SO is in engineering.

The only glitch is that right now my top choice program (that I think I can get into) is pretty rural, and I'm not sure my SO could get a job there. SO is actually applying for a couple jobs on the same coast, but around a 3 hr plane ride away

There are a couple schools that I have applied to and have interviews with that are not really bustling cities, so if I do end up at either of those we have had to face the realization that he would have to compute a couple hours or we would have to live separately and just see each other on weekends or something, which would not be fun. Luckily if I get accepted to either of my top schools, they are in cities.

Call me an optimistic, but I am a firm believer that it will all work out in the end!

[socnerd]

Mine will probably be breaking up with me. We've been together about a year but he's not good at relationships even when I live downstairs, I can't imagine a few states away. Certainly wouldn't make any effort there. Makes me wonder why I bother to continue the relationship. Oh well, maybe I'll meet someone in grad school.

[mudlark]

My husband has the best grad-student-spouse job EVAR: he works for Ikea. We get discounts on cheap furniture, and he can easily transfer to any major city in the country.

We're a bit of an anomaly in a lot of ways. I'm working on my PhD, and he has a high school diploma. There's a 13 year age gap between us, too. And neither of us was even remotely considering a long term relationship when we met. We're coming up on five years together, two of them married, and have a happy home and a great friendship in addition to the mushy stuff.

We met when I was in his city during a year off in my undergrad, then did long distance for a year. He moved to the city where I'd decided to do my MA, and we lived there for two years. I was really sick worrying that the move wasn't going to work out for him, and felt guilty for causing upheaval in his life, but it worked out beautifully. He loved it. We got married during my MA. When I applied to PhDs, I did my best to keep him informed about the pros and cons of various options, but really he would have gone wherever was best for me. Having one ambitious partner and one go-with-the-flow partner has worked out brilliantly for us. I used to feel guilty that I was driving a lot of the major decisions, but I've come to see that the changes I bring to his life are good for both of us. I shake him up a bit, and he grounds me.

In my cohort this year, there have been.... maybe 6 or 7 break-ups of long-term relationships. It seems like the combination of grad school and distance can be really rough. While they last, though, relationships can be such a strong anchor in a crazy time. I jokingly tell young women I know considering grad school to just get married now, so that they don't have to give all that mental energy to dating and crushes, and so that they'll have someone to do the dishes while they read.