Relationship question

[digits2006]

Here is a random question. I am bored and my girlfriend just left for spain for 4 months. Has anyone ever dated someone over seas? Me and my gf were already long distance for the school year ( she went to school in ohio and I went to school in TN) we have been dating for four months. Now she will be in spain for 4 months. Seeing if anyone had any advice.

[JustChill]

use skype

Edited January 16, 2010 by rockchalk

[tem11]

Try being engaged to someone who lives overseas! Use Skype, set up little movie dates, write letters, send her American treats that aren't available in Spain, etc. But also don't be that overbearing boyfriend who calls a million times a day and discourages letting her go out to clubs and bars with friends. It's a huge cultural experience for her, so let her enjoy it.

[katalytik]

sorry to be a downer but distance makes it hard...... not sure how you can make it. i did this and it didnt work..... and you have not been dating very long either

[solairne]

I was in Europe for 2 months while my partner was back here. Before that, though, we had been together for 3 years and had been living together for 2.5 of those 3, so it wasn't particularly hard. We video chatted daily.

[Pamphilia]

Before I offer my own words of wisdom regarding this topic, A Disclaimer: I was in a four-year long distance relationship with my main squeeze; we've now been living together going on three years and it's fantastic. So, I am living proof that sometimes long-distance relationships do work out. Still, whenever my friends seek out my sage advice since I've "been there," this is what I tell them: don't do it. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.*

My darling dear and I were domestically long-distance, however. When I went overseas for six months, we did technically "break up." However, I never took advantage of the fact that I was single because I loved my (then ex-) booboo sooooo much, blah blah. When I returned home, it was weird for a short while, but things did work out, which was nice for me (and my boo). However, in retrospect I am REALLY glad that we were not together while I was overseas. It allowed me to feel much freer. For example, I didn't have to stop what I was doing to be like, "Ah! I have to call my lambchop before he goes to bed!" And I knew that if I wanted to, I could have taken on all of Europe. It was nice to have that option, you know? And it was also especially nice to have the option but not want to take it. That really put things in perspective and made me realize how hooked I truly was.

But, since I expect you will stay together while your lady's abroad--which is great, too!--I think TerriM's advice is spot-on.

* Why, you ask? Well, I will only tell you because I, too, am bored. In fact, I am trying to occupy myself while waiting for my damn babemeister3000's plane to arrive so I can go pick his ass up at the airport at freaking midnight when I have to work in the morning....grumble... Anyway, here is why I do not recommend a long-distance thing, though obviously it works out sometimes: even if people are very compatible and really love each other, more often than not, it doesn't work and only wastes time they could have been finding the next love of their lives/banging a lot of other hot people/doing anything but pining over their sweetie pies. Also, I think that distance is often used to mask problems that couples have, and/or it warps the partners' perceptions of their relationship (distance makes the heart grow fonder, you always get so psyched when you DO see each other that you end up just sitting on problems instead of working them out, yadda yadda yadda). But then, what do I know??? I don't recommend it--but hey, it worked for me! So I judge no one for taking on the immense burden of the Distance. If you can work successfully with it, that really says something.

Sorry for the extremely long ramble. As I said, I am trying to kill time...

Edited January 16, 2010 by Pamphilia

[alexis]

Totally doable. My now husband, then boyfriend, did a year and a half long-distance when I was in the US and he was in England. (Though we did see each other every 2-3 months; longest we went was 4 months.)

Agree with solairne and others. Biggest advice to anyone doing long distance: USE WEBCAMS. Seriously. Skype, MSN, whatever. We felt extremely close and connected despite the distance. Being able to SEE someone when you talk to them makes all the difference. The phone is bad; webcams, good. Set a time up every night (or whenever works for you) to chat. I know quite a few couples who have done this and I swear it is the best way to do long distance.

[joro]

Tons of dating advice. Maybe I should start posting questions of my own.

[Anita]

My psychobabble-tinged advice: if both you and your SO have a secure attachment style, do it. Otherwise, maybe you'll make it if you try, but you'll be miserable. Find out what attachment style you have here. Having a secure AS just means you're OK not having your SO around all the time.

My personal experience was dating a dude from my home country who also goes to college in the States for 3 years (I'm in MA and he's in OH). The two most important bummers was 1. I'm insanely insecure, attachment-wise (I'm so insecure that I'm applying to grad school to study close relationships so I can figure out ways to be more secure ) and 2. we were both terribly childish and inexperienced. Saying goodbye after each visit was a terrible, terrible experience, and when we were not together, I would miss him constantly, but when we were together, I'd end up fighting him just to be a prima donna (yeah, guess what, I'm still embarrassed ). The thing about not being able to resolve issues when you're together because you have so little time together is totally true, which puts a wrench in the whole thing too.

[Roll Right]

You know, I think you should just try it and see how you like it., You've got nothing to lose. It'll be a good experience for you and you may find it works out just fine. While everything discussed here is valid, it's also a lot to swallow when considering a relationship. If the relationship is good and healthy right now, there's no reason to end it. If the distance becomes difficult, go ahead and cut things off. Until then, whats the worry? If it doesn't work out, it's not a wasted effort. Dont over-complicate what youve got. If youre bored of waiting, or bored with her to begin with....well maybe its time to be single?

[iceman]

Simple, quick, but a little painful - BREAK UP! ASAP!

[digits2006]

Thanks for the help!

[peppermint.beatnik]

Here is a random question. I am bored and my girlfriend just left for spain for 4 months. Has anyone ever dated someone over seas? Me and my gf were already long distance for the school year ( she went to school in ohio and I went to school in TN) we have been dating for four months. Now she will be in spain for 4 months. Seeing if anyone had any advice.

I've done on and off long distance for 4 years. Did overseas long distance 9 months. It's totally doable, and not hard (other than you miss them) if you are both committed to making it work.

What do you mean by saying you're "bored"?

[jacib]

I've done on and off long distance for 4 years. Did overseas long distance 9 months. It's totally doable, and not hard (other than you miss them) if you are both committed to making it work.

What do you mean by saying you're "bored"?

I think he meant something along the lines of "bored at work" and not "bored with my relationship".

[digits2006]

Haha yes. I was bored because I had nothing to do and my gf just left so I could call or talk to her..So i was bored at the time. That is why I made the topic. It's kinda different to get really excited when you get an email or you are able to chat for like 3 minutes wit my gf.

[swisnieski]

Simple, quick, but a little painful - BREAK UP! ASAP!

I lean toward this because you've only been together 4 months.

But if you think you two can make it, then absolutely go for it. Never, ever, ever give up something good just because of distance.

Edited January 19, 2010 by swisnieski

[digits2006]

See I would learn toward breaking up if it was anyone else, but not this girl. She is the best gf I have ever had. Something that I would work to stay together with. So we will see how it goes. Sucks right now since she is on a two week trip and has limited internet. But hopefully once school starts for her, it will get a lot easier.

[Lindsay Sum]

Never happened to me, but my best friend was away from her boyfriend all summer. They talked almost every day on sites like Stickam and MatchVenue (they thought it would be more fun than Skype) and they managed to pull it off.

[psycholinguist]

There's no easy way of determining whether a long-distance relationship is going to work; every case is different. (I've seen it fail and end in unpleasant break-ups; I've seen it work fine and culminate in special reunions, then engagement and marriage.) Try it out, and if it's not working, talk about it; if you can't salvage it, move on. Either way, hang in there!

[rachaelski]

My husband and I dated for a month and then I moved 10 hours away. We did long distance for 2 years, and then moved in together immediately. For us, it worked out wonderfully, he was very busy working on his MFA and I was just beginning my teaching with Teach for America. We were both focused on our professional lives, but had each other to lean on. I think being apart really made us appreciate each other when we were together (in the long-term). One piece of advice, forcing yourselves to talk all the time via phone or chat or whatever when one of you is not up for it will put more stress on the relationship than anything else. It's okay to say, "I don't feel like talking today." Intimacy is not being suction-cupped to the phone. I hope you figure out what is best for you!

[kaz]

I think its important to talk about how both of you are going to handle the distance. Clearly if one of you expects to be chatting on the phone everyday and the other expects not so often, things won't go well. So I think communication is Very important, whether its chatting online, emails, phone calls, webcam. Do something special once in a while, send a card, send a letter. Just my experience of 2yr+(and still going ) , long dist is hard, but a normal relationship also has its own problems anyway.