Do you agree?

[Adelaide9216]

Do you agree when people say that successful women are intimidating to men?

I've had women saying this to me since I was 13-14. Ten years later, I have never been in a relationship. 

What's your experience been like? 

[Bibica]

That's too general. Maybe some men are, but many very intelligent women are in happy relationships with men. 

I feel awkward putting myself in the category of "successful women" but I'm personally in a relationship, and have been for 3 years. Before that I'd been single a while, but I never felt that I couldn't get a date, just that I didn't want to date at that point in time. Maybe you should open yourself up to different types of relationships? You mentioned in another thread that you're only attracted to academics, but plenty of non-academics are intelligent and interested in smart/funny/interesting women. A lot of people meet their partners online nowadays, so that's an option. There's also nothing wrong with being single... although I have noticed that when people focus on themselves and getting to a good place in life, they'll often stumble into a healthy relationship along the way.

[Adelaide9216]

I did try to open myself to different types of relationships. I tried online dating for the last four years. Nothing came out of it. My focus is to be in a good place in my life, and I am. But I also wish I knew what it felt like to be in a healthy relationship.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Adelaide9216

[Adelaide9216]

I also feel awkward putting myself in the category of successful women, but that's how I am being described by those around me.

[tonydoesmovie]

I'm not a woman, let alone a successful one, but men that are intimidated by successful women are probably not the best candidates to have a relationship with in the first place. Attraction is attraction, it shouldn't be qualified by the subjectivity of success.

[hantoo]

Retweet to the poster above! Any guy who is "intimidated" or otherwise unsupportive of your intelligence and success as a woman is big ole' D-Bag who isn't worth your time and energy. It's fine for your partner to be impressed by your success, but they should respect and admire you for it, just as you would respect and admire them for their great qualities and skills. Be yourself and love what you do. The right person will be attracted to your determination to work hard in the field you're passionate about.  

[hopefulPhD2017]

I do think they are, yes. I have met with resistance and rudeness from men who I would now, in retrospect, call sexist d-bags. This is both in the work place and in the dating field.

Now, I have met more men who have mentored me professionally and I have had relationships with some, as well. Some good, others not so. But there are good guys out there  

I think geography matters. A lot.

I learned a lot from reading dating advice (Evan Marc Katz is great and writes on this very subject) which helped me better understand how to date and feel good while doing so. 

Finally, some of the sharpest, coolest ladies I know had no serious relationships until they were older, like mid-20s. I know someone who never had a serious relationship until she was 40! Nothing wrong with them, just perhaps less willing to settle or "out themselves out there."

Dating women might be a thing to try, too. 

Good luck to you. You're not alone. 

[Butterfly_effect]

47 minutes ago, hopefulPhD2017 said:

I think geography matters. A lot.

Just curious, what do you mean by this?

[hopefulPhD2017]

10 hours ago, Butterfly_effect said:

Just curious, what do you mean by this?

I mean that the dating scene is better in some places than others. 

[Need Coffee in an IV]

I haven't had trouble, my bf and I have been together for almost 4 years now. Out of the two of us, I am more driven in my career and he is more laid back. But that makes me happy that we can balance each other out. I also haven't heard much complaints from my friends about men being intimidated by them because they were successful. They have other reasons why relationships/dates don't work out. I think its a factor of who you surround yourself with. My undergrad is in a very male dominant field (geology) and I've never experienced sexism from my peers, coworkers or professors. Now I am a small sample size though. But I think that such a generalization will be unproductive for your life and this discussion.

[namastayingalive]

Anyone with such a fragile ego isn't worth the time of investing in a relationship. My bf keeps me from spinning out - he's more relaxed than me and often calms me down! Being an overachiever is sometimes counterproductive; you're harder on yourself which can keep you from actually enjoying your successes. I've experienced lots of sexism, both overt and covert, and have usually dated outside my field (computer science), although my current bf is a computer scientist too! I think the best bet is to surround yourself with like-minded people and eventually you will click with someone  Use the "intimidation" as a very convenient filter.

Also, I find it disheartening that people have been telling you this since you were 13-14 years old. My mother repeatedly told me to be independent, to be able to support myself so I would never be in a vulnerable position. This is the best advice I've ever received.

Edited April 8, 2017 by namastayingalive

[Adelaide9216]

7 hours ago, Need Coffee in an IV said:

 But I think that such a generalization will be unproductive for your life and this discussion.

I am just reporting what I am constantly being told. I am just trying to make sense of why I struggle with this. You have no idea how many new people I meet on a daily basis for work, volunteer and social activities. I don't understand why I cannot seem to find someone. I'm nice, friendly and kind. 

[Adelaide9216]

7 hours ago, namastayingalive said:

Anyone with such a fragile ego isn't worth the time of investing in a relationship. My bf keeps me from spinning out - he's more relaxed than me and often calms me down! Being an overachiever is sometimes counterproductive; you're harder on yourself which can keep you from actually enjoying your successes. I've experienced lots of sexism, both overt and covert, and have usually dated outside my field (computer science), although my current bf is a computer scientist too! I think the best bet is to surround yourself with like-minded people and eventually you will click with someone  Use the "intimidation" as a very convenient filter.

Also, I find it disheartening that people have been telling you this since you were 13-14 years old. My mother repeatedly told me to be independent, to be able to support myself so I would never be in a vulnerable position. This is the best advice I've ever received.

Yes I had adult woman telling me this when I was an early teenager. I am starting to think they were right.

[Adelaide9216]

Thank you all for sharing your perspectives. I really appreciate. I am on my cellphone therefore cannot write lengthy responses.

[guest56436]

12 minutes ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I am just reporting what I am constantly being told. I am just trying to make sense of why I struggle with this. You have no idea how many new people I meet on a daily basis for work, volunteer and social activities. I don't understand why I cannot seem to find someone. I'm nice, friendly and kind. 

I think there are more productive ways of looking at a lack of success with dating then some vague, probably not true, generalization about sexism. 

Are people comfortable around you when you socialize with them? Are you attractive physically or could be in better shape? Or further, do you spend enough time putting yourself together before going out? Have you ever read any resources on how to date effectively? Are you getting approached by men that ask you out? Are you a good conversationalist? Do you have interesting things to say besides intellectual/work-related/serious topics? 

Further questions you might ask, at what point do potential relationships tend to fizzle out? The first date? Before the first date even? After a few dates? Before a real 'relationship' happens? Do men often go the extra effort after dates or get togethers to contact you again?

I don't know the answers to these questions - and neither does anyone else on here - obviously...I do know that you need to be more introspective than you are being right now though.

Edited April 8, 2017 by Comparativist

[Adelaide9216]

I meet people all the time on a weekly basis and I am well appreciated in my community. And physically, I don't think I need to get in shape. And I do take time to put myself together before going out. I just don't know what is the problem. I've seen psychologists in my life in the past and they all told me that being introspective is one of my strengths. So I don't think that's the issue.

I kinda am at a point where I am thinking of giving up because I just can't seem to understand, and it's incredibly frustrating. I feel so powerless over this.

Edited April 8, 2017 by Adelaide9216

[Adelaide9216]

Nobody around me knows how upset I am increasingly feeling over this. I hide it very well. I did everything I am supposed to do to find someone. Everything. It's out of my control and I don't think it has something to do with something I need to change or to fix about me. I just want to find someone while staying true to myself at the same time but it feels like it complicates things for me and I cannot seem to understand why.

Edited April 8, 2017 by Adelaide9216

[Need Coffee in an IV]

1 hour ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I am just reporting what I am constantly being told. I am just trying to make sense of why I struggle with this. You have no idea how many new people I meet on a daily basis for work, volunteer and social activities. I don't understand why I cannot seem to find someone. I'm nice, friendly and kind. 

Of course I don't know how many people you meet all the time, I don't know you. You asked for other people's perspectives and I gave you mine

[guest56436]

I made the introspective comment because every time someone makes a comment, suggestion, or possible question, you instantly say that's not it and everything is perfectly fine - except of course that you can't seem to have a serious relationship/find a suitable dating partner. Personally, I don't think you're being very honest with yourself (or people here trying to help you).

Edited April 8, 2017 by Comparativist

[Adelaide9216]

Look, let's let this conversation die. It was not a good idea of me to open up the subject with strangers. Sorry about that. 

[Need Coffee in an IV]

Good luck then!

[eternallyephemeral]

I don't mean to reopen a wound or anything, but there aren't that many people around you at any one time that fit your values and would be compatible in other ways.

But that's a good thing!

I felt exactly the same way as you. And there are lots of contributing factors. And I settled, a lot of times, for people who were subpar because I thought my standards were wrong and why couldn't anyone like me.

But the problem with that is, then you'r'e in a relationship, but it's not a happy one. And it's wayyyy better to be in a happy relationship than just to be in one because you don't want to be alone. It's hard to hear, and when people said that to me, I also didn't want to hear it, but a lot of these colloquialisms are true. Especially the one that says "when you're not looking, that's when you'll find happiness/love/relationships/the right person/etc.

I met my bf of three years in my lab while I was in another (unhappy as I mentioned above) relationship. We now live together, with our adopted cats, and we've never been happier. I'm the more "driven"/successful/whatever one, and he is proud of me. That's what a healthy relationship has. An unhealthy relationship has jealousy and insecurity.

It's hard to wait, and other people telling you that this is all you have to do is super frustrating. I can sympathize with that. But I don't know how else to say it - it's the truth.

The best thing you can do is be as happy with yourself as you can, so that when you encounter that person, you have the self-esteem to make the relationship work.

Best of luck!

[Adelaide9216]

I am not in a relationship. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Thanks for your message. I guess you are right, but waiting for all these years are starting to feel heavy on me.

Edited April 9, 2017 by Adelaide9216

[ThousandsHardships]

1 hour ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I am not in a relationship. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Thanks for your message. I guess you are right, but waiting for all these years are starting to feel heavy on me.

Don't wait! Relationships come naturally to some but not to others. Sometimes just interacting with people isn't enough. If you want a relationship and haven't figured out how to get one, try making it known to your friends and family and ask to be introduced to someone. Or try out online dating. It's much easier and less awkward when both sides know what the objective is without having to bring it up explicitly and fear rejection or ridicule. Good luck! 

Edited April 9, 2017 by ThousandsHardships

[fuzzylogician]

It seems to me that there are two topics being discussed here. The OP asked "do men resent successful women", but this thread has somehow turned into "is the OP doing the right things when dating/looking for a relationship". I can totally understand why someone isn't so excited about internet strangers analyzing their personality and offering advice based on a few posts and not much other information. OP, there might be some interesting thoughts here worth pondering, especially the ones that repeat, but I also think you need to take everything in the perspective of your broader life, which we don't know about here. Since this is an open forum and everyone is entitled to post their opinion, you can't direct the conversation, even if you started it. You can and should choose what advice you want to take. I do agree with the statement above that relationships aren't always easy for everyone and that just being around a lot of new people might not be enough for some people. I also think the advice to let friends and family know that you're looking is useful. They know you and might be able to help you find someone who is a better match than a random person you met on the job. (Assuming you trust these people's taste and opinion of you!)

As for the question you actually asked, I think I saw two kinds of answers, one along the lines of "it hasn't happened to me, but..." and one along the lines of "those people are d-bags anyway". So, yes, people like that aren't people you want to be in a relationship with, but it's not always that simple. Yes, it happens, there's research on that. Sometimes it's obvious, but sometimes it isn't. I think the bottom line is that it might make it more difficult for you to find a suitable partner who is supportive of you and your goals, that may be a valid difficulty. But it's not a reason to stop trying or assume the worst. Good guys are out there; you have to believe that. It does indeed take longer for some people than others to find a good partner, but that's not reason to give up. On the other hand, there is only so much that you can do to start a relationship. It's partly a matter of luck and circumstances. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to be happy on your own, and stop worrying so much about what others say or what should happen at what time. You're much more likely to have a successful relationship if you're in a good place in life and happy as a person, and if you just let it happen instead of actively seeking it.