The Evil Psyche

[jaxzwolf]

I was just curious this morning to see how many other grad school applicants have been tormenting themselves silly with fantasies of grad school acceptances/rejections, in the form of dreams, daydreams, lucid dreams, conversations with friends, or otherwise. My brain has been non-stop lately, and it's really just setting me up for disappointment. Come on, brain, let's be realistic here!

For example, the last three nights I've dreamt about positive responses. Three nights ago it came in form of three successive dreams: one where I checked a website to find "Admitted!" written in bold red letters across the top of the page, one where I received an email, and one where FedEx came with a spiffy envelope containing a gushing letter of acceptance and a plane ticket to come out and visit the campus. Now every time I hear a car drive by I think, "It's FedEx! They've come with my acceptance letters!"

Two nights ago it was a dream about coming in to work to find balloons, a cake, and a hooded sweatshirt representing my third-choice school. Evidently I'd been admitted, but somehow I didn't know it and everyone at work did.

Last night was the worst- a gorgeous scene played out where I was already installed at my top-choice school and having a fantastic time. Loving my classes, my advisers, my research, my campus... everything about my new "grad school life." It was the worst of the three because it was such a nice dream, and, seeing as how the school held interviews more than a month ago and I wasn't invited, I'm pretty much guaranteed to not be accepted there.

WTF, brain?

It probably doesn't help that everyone I know is just convinced that I'll get accepted everywhere. They don't realize that there are hundreds of applicants with similar experiences/backgrounds/academic records applying for a dismally small number of positions.

Anyone else having these issues? Anyone been accepted somewhere but having nightmares about the program? Any other delusional fantasies being concocted during this, the most trying month of the year?

Edited February 9, 2010 by jaxzwolf

[snorri]

Oops, accidentally hit the reply button too early. See my post below.

Edited February 9, 2010 by snorri

[Branwen daughter of Llyr]

I was just curious this morning to see how many other grad school applicants have been tormenting themselves silly with fantasies of grad school acceptances/rejections, in the form of dreams, daydreams, lucid dreams, conversations with friends, or otherwise. My brain has been non-stop lately, and it's really just setting me up for disappointment. Come on, brain, let's be realistic here!

For example, the last three nights I've dreamt about positive responses. Three nights ago it came in form of three successive dreams: one where I checked a website to find "Admitted!" written in bold red letters across the top of the page, one where I received an email, and one where FedEx came with a spiffy envelope containing a gushing letter of acceptance and a plane ticket to come out and visit the campus. Now every time I hear a car drive by I think, "It's FedEx! They've come with my acceptance letters!"

Two nights ago it was a dream about coming in to work to find balloons, a cake, and a hooded sweatshirt representing my third-choice school. Evidently I'd been admitted, but somehow I didn't know it and everyone at work did.

Last night was the worst- a gorgeous scene played out where I was already installed at my top-choice school and having a fantastic time. Loving my classes, my advisers, my research, my campus... everything about my new "grad school life." It was the worst of the three because it was such a nice dream, and, seeing as how the school held interviews more than a month ago and I wasn't invited, I'm pretty much guaranteed to not be accepted there.

WTF, brain?

It probably doesn't help that everyone I know is just convinced that I'll get accepted everywhere. They don't realize that there are hundreds of applicants with similar experiences/backgrounds/academic records applying for a dismally small number of positions.

Anyone else having these issues? Anyone been accepted somewhere but having nightmares about the program? Any other delusional fantasies being concocted during this, the most trying month of the year?

I had some serious Yale daydreams until a couple of weeks ago.

However, I'm now resigned to the fact that I WON'T be getting in this year (despite my mother's assurance that "you never know" - no matter that I tell her that there isn't a chance in hell that Yale, Cornell, Brown, and UVA will be soooo impressed with my lowly 600 V to wait for subject scores in April hahahah), and my brain has gone into overtime researching NEXT YEAR's round of applications (also acting the GRE verbal last week).

At night, currently, I mostly dream of mountains crumbling. I think it has to do with the fact that my financial situation is extremely stressful, and has nothing to do with grad school, except maybe a subliminal message to not apply to U Colorado in Boulder, or to Vermont

[snorri]

I was just curious this morning to see how many other grad school applicants have been tormenting themselves silly with fantasies of grad school acceptances/rejections, in the form of dreams, daydreams, lucid dreams, conversations with friends, or otherwise. My brain has been non-stop lately, and it's really just setting me up for disappointment. Come on, brain, let's be realistic here!

For example, the last three nights I've dreamt about positive responses. Three nights ago it came in form of three successive dreams: one where I checked a website to find "Admitted!" written in bold red letters across the top of the page, one where I received an email, and one where FedEx came with a spiffy envelope containing a gushing letter of acceptance and a plane ticket to come out and visit the campus. Now every time I hear a car drive by I think, "It's FedEx! They've come with my acceptance letters!"

Two nights ago it was a dream about coming in to work to find balloons, a cake, and a hooded sweatshirt representing my third-choice school. Evidently I'd been admitted, but somehow I didn't know it and everyone at work did.

Last night was the worst- a gorgeous scene played out where I was already installed at my top-choice school and having a fantastic time. Loving my classes, my advisers, my research, my campus... everything about my new "grad school life." It was the worst of the three because it was such a nice dream, and, seeing as how the school held interviews more than a month ago and I wasn't invited, I'm pretty much guaranteed to not be accepted there.

WTF, brain?

It probably doesn't help that everyone I know is just convinced that I'll get accepted everywhere. They don't realize that there are hundreds of applicants with similar experiences/backgrounds/academic records applying for a dismally small number of positions.

Anyone else having these issues? Anyone been accepted somewhere but having nightmares about the program? Any other delusional fantasies being concocted during this, the most trying month of the year?

Yep, I'm having similar issues. I also wish my brain would sort out the schools I definitely won't be getting into, considering NYU also made their interview invites already. I'd love to confine my fantasies to programs I might actually have a shot at so I won't wake up so disappointed.

[Scoobydoobyray]

I haven't started dreaming about schools in my sleep yet but I've certainly been thinking about nothing else. I've visualized getting big fat envelopes in the mail and tried to decide if I would let it sit there a moment so I could saver the experience or rip it open quickly. In either fantasy my heart is racing. Actually...in reality...my heart is racing. Every time my phone pings with a new email I jump. I eyeball the google application on my desktop every thirty seconds or so. I've pictured myself getting accepted everywhere and dealing with making a choice and I've pictured myself getting accepted nowhere and drowning my sorrows in vodka and cigarettes. I just wish these people would make up their minds already so that I could plan the rest of my year.

[Smaudge]

Not only can't I keep myself from bringing up my grad school woes into every conversation, but I constantly play out different senarios in my head. I day dream of getting an acceptance email, doing a couple of fist pumps, and then calling everyone in my family to tell them the great news. Also, if I happen to get the email during the day, I fantacize about keeping it a secret from my husband until we both get home. He opens the door to our apartment, I run up to hug him and say "Guess who just got accepted to Harvard!?" and he picks me up and spins me around....

...and then I remember that Harvard has already sent out their interview invites and I have slim to none chance of getting into any program. Then I refresh the results page on gradcafe.

Why, brain? Why?

[hamster]

I had a dream I was rejected by a program that hadn't started sending invites. I was glad to wake up and see it was a dream. A week later, I saw invites had gone out and after a week or so, I contacted my POI. He confirmed I will not receive an invite. I don't think i'm prophetic, it was a long shot anyway (though I had an interview from another long shot).

[grad_wannabe]

Not only can't I keep myself from bringing up my grad school woes into every conversation...

Oh my lord, THIS. It's such a struggle to not launch into a convoluted tirade about applications in every conversation. For awhile there I was practically accosting strangers.

But, it's definitely worth it to clamp down on that. Once you stop talking about it, it becomes much easier to forget. I went to visit my aunt last weekend determined to keep quiet, and it worked beautifully - we talked about everything under the sun and I had a lovely, peaceful, non-stressed afternoon. As I was leaving she suddenly said, "Oh! Your applications! I forgot to ask - hear anything back yet?" and I was able to calmly and cooly say, "Nope, still waiting" without tearing my hair out.

Edited February 9, 2010 by grad_wannabe

[jeanne]

Ugh, the dreams never stop. And then when I wake up at 3 am from the dreams I lie in bed thinking about the dreams! And then all day I read gradcafe and hear about other peoples' dreams! Why isn't is mid march already?

[yehk]

ha - i was just telling the rest of my housemates about my amazing dream last night about getting accepted into my top choice - it was SO vivid as well, i actually woke up and nearly died coz it wasn't real.

I've just been building this result release sooo much in my head that i seriously do not think i can function properly until I hear back from my top choice. (Which should be sometime this week!!!!)

I wish i wasn't so retarded.

[Gigi]

Wjy can't I enjoy the happy fantasies, knowing they are just that? Much better than sickening my self on unhappy fantasies, which are also unreal.

This round of applications is the trial run, used to confront logistical problems and to better understand my weaknesses...ahem. This is how I comfort myself.and yet it's true. I've aimed very high. Acceptance is a long shot. But this way, by applying, and even getting one interview request back, I at least understand the path better, and it will have less emotional charge next year....

[javagdss]

My brain goes back and forth in dreams and while awake between two scenarios:

1. 6/6 rejections and getting fired from my job all on the same day

2. A phone call saying "You're our top applicant, and despite the fact that we're not supposed to send out decisions for a few more weeks, also despite the fact that Masters students never receive stipends, we want to offer you admission with full tuition and 35k/yr, plus a shopping spree because you're moving from LA to a city with real winters."

Really, both of those scenarios are quite unlikely. But my brain won't let me daydream about getting to pick between two schools and ponder what 60k of grad student debt will feel like in a few years.

[anya11]

I must be having the worst dreams.. It is my graduation day. I am graduating from my dream school (applying for masters program now). On the same day, my adviser or some prof calls me to tell i got into their phd program with full funding.  Only it were true... 

[JerryLandis]

I was having trouble with this a couple weeks ago. Hopeful dreams, constantly thinking about my future life in various locations where I've applied. That's not happening anymore, now that I've heard from one place and am expecting to hear similarly bad news from others quite soon. Strangely, I prefer this current state of mind. I'm not as restless anymore. Maybe the hope is gone, but at least the fear has subsided now that I've accepted my fate. Hopefully the rest of you applied more widely than I did, and have a larger number of places to hear back from.

[Raz]

"It probably doesn't help that everyone I know is just convinced that I'll get accepted everywhere. They don't realize that there are hundreds of applicants with similar experiences/backgrounds/academic records applying for a dismally small number of positions."

Honestly, I think this is the worst part. Everyone I know is positive I will get in; when I try to process the realities of the academic climate with them, they think I am being falsely modest.

[anxiousapplicant]

"It probably doesn't help that everyone I know is just convinced that I'll get accepted everywhere. They don't realize that there are hundreds of applicants with similar experiences/backgrounds/academic records applying for a dismally small number of positions."

Honestly, I think this is the worst part. Everyone I know is positive I will get in; when I try to process the realities of the academic climate with them, they think I am being falsely modest.

Ugh, I hate that. The worst is when my profs do it! Those old dinosaurs haven't left their offices in our tiny crappy university and have no clue what grad school admission is like in the 21st century. They still think it's the seventies.

[anxiousapplicant]

Yup, go ahead, you can give me -1 for an innocuous post. God forbid I insult those men belonging to the Olympian race known as professors. Let's face it, although we might love some of them and admire them, they aren't infallible. And when they tell me to write the completely wrong things in my SOP and then tell me I'm going to get into Yale when no one from our school has ever attended any grad school even remotely near "top ranked," I tend to get a little annoyed. Pardon me for offending all of your sensibilities.

[micca]

Ugh, I hate that. The worst is when my profs do it! Those old dinosaurs haven't left their offices in our tiny crappy university and have no clue what grad school admission is like in the 21st century. They still think it's the seventies.

I know exactly what you mean. I have 1 friend who thinks with 100% certainty that I'll get into all 7 schools I've applied to. How ridiculous is that! I am the only person out of my friends who has recently applied to grad school and is waiting on an answer. They have no idea what it feels like to have your future in limbo, and not know where you will be living in the next few months. I swear they think I'm crazy when I bring it up; and trust me, I don't bring it up in every conversation. I guess that's why I joined this site...so I can see that I'm not the only one in this position.

[parapluie]

"It probably doesn't help that everyone I know is just convinced that I'll get accepted everywhere. They don't realize that there are hundreds of applicants with similar experiences/backgrounds/academic records applying for a dismally small number of positions."

Honestly, I think this is the worst part. Everyone I know is positive I will get in; when I try to process the realities of the academic climate with them, they think I am being falsely modest.

I completely agree. It is painful. They don't understand that when I say "it is not at all guaranteed that I will get in" that I am very accurate. I am trying to be realistic so I am not (as) crushed if I get rejected. I know they are just trying to be supportive but, listen to me when I say it isn't a sure thing!!