Awkward Interview situation

[LadyL]

I am really not sure what to make of one university's response to my inquiry about bringing my partner to an interview weekend I was invited to.

I have already dealt with this type of situation at another university. I followed advice from here and asked if it were possible to book lodging for both myself and my partner and offered to pay for any additional cost. The school was more than accommodating, booking us a hotel room, providing him with the same meals as me, and waiving conference fees for the weekend so he could attend talks with me. Ultimately we both hit it off with the students and staff and I was recently admitted into the program.

I took the same approach with "University B" - offering to pay for extra cost, and stating that if he could not come it would only affect my method of transport. I got an email back from them today saying that Dean Something or Other "thought it was a bad idea" and "not appropriate for this sort of event." I thought that was a weird reason to give but whatever.

Then I get an email from a grad student in the program saying that "off the record" that some people have objections to my request and that this student was offended by their objections (no specifics were given). They explained more of the rational for why my partner couldn't/shouldn't come - the department not wanting to spend extra money, the logistics of me needing to interview and attend informational sessions alone. This student also mentioned that they felt that the program might be "sticking their nose where it didn't belong" with their objections.

I wrote back saying that it's fine that he is not to attend, that I was fully prepared to make alternate plans, and that I hoped I hadn't ruffled any feathers.

But I am really wondering A. what their actual objections are (Is it because we are unmarried? Do they think I'm a freeloader looking for an all expense paid vacation?), B. if negative things are being said about me as the result of my request, C. what sort of hornets nest I may be stumbling into with this department if there is this much drama over a simple yes or no question.

Anyone have any insight? It has been such a night and day experience with these two schools and I'm pretty confused.

[nh88]

This sounds really strange. Perhaps they somehow misunderstood your request, thinking that you wanted them to pay for your partner as well? Although I do not see how that's possible given that you offered to pay. I can certainly see where you're coming from as your partner would certainly have a say in your decision.

Don't worry about what they are thinking and go into the interview with full confidence! Either they will accept you and if this simple request somehow makes a difference, I do not think it is a place you want to be at.

Good luck!

[DeWinter]

Lady L, I agree that a partner should have a great deal of say in your decision. But one thing I'm not clear on: Would your partner be attending informational sessions with you? Or the interview? The way this university has written the email, it seems that they think that your partner will be in all those events. And is this a Phd or Masters program?

[johndiligent]

But I am really wondering A. what their actual objections are (Is it because we are unmarried? Do they think I'm a freeloader looking for an all expense paid vacation?), B. if negative things are being said about me as the result of my request, C. what sort of hornets nest I may be stumbling into with this department if there is this much drama over a simple yes or no question.

Anyone have any insight? It has been such a night and day experience with these two schools and I'm pretty confused.

Who knows what their objections are, but I think that C is really worth putting in the Cons column when you're making your final decision. The fact that a grad student sent an unsolicited e-mail responding to the drama does not augur well for the department.

[LadyL]

Lady L, I agree that a partner should have a great deal of say in your decision. But one thing I'm not clear on: Would your partner be attending informational sessions with you? Or the interview? The way this university has written the email, it seems that they think that your partner will be in all those events. And is this a Phd or Masters program?

It's a Ph.D. program. It was never my intention to have my partner attend all of the weekend's events, though perhaps this was not made entirely clear.

[jose]

Why do you feel you should bring your partner along to begin with? That does seem a little bit strange to me, and I'm not surprised by the university's response.

It is very strange that the grad student wrote to you though... I don't know what to think of that, but it could either be that the department is being too harsh or that particular student has a chip on their shoulder.

[LadyL]

Why do you feel you should bring your partner along to begin with? That does seem a little bit strange to me, and I'm not surprised by the university's response.

It is very strange that the grad student wrote to you though... I don't know what to think of that, but it could either be that the department is being too harsh or that particular student has a chip on their shoulder.

He would be leaving his job and relocating with me and I would like him to see the area. At the interview he attended with me there was another interviewee whose wife was in attendance. I guess how normal this is varies a lot?

[liszt85]

It's a Ph.D. program. It was never my intention to have my partner attend all of the weekend's events, though perhaps this was not made entirely clear.

We had a girl interview here and she was accompanied by her boyfriend who was admitted to another dept here. He attended all the informal sessions, even the one on one interview with her prospective adviser (well, because he was interested in him as well for future collaborations). In any case, the professor (who is my adviser) told me later that the interview situation was a little awkward. I'm guessing that this (his being there) had something to do with it as well. Your situation seems to me to be a case of misunderstanding on their part. They probably interpreted it as if they would pay for him as well and if they would let him attend your sessions along with you. Maybe you should shoot off an email to the director of grad studies (who emailed you) and make this clear. Depending on his response (which would tell you if it indeed was a misunderstanding), this might be a reason for you not to attend. It is strange for schools to convey this kind of a message to a prospective student even if they don't approve of a request simply because their intention is (or ought to be) to have you accept their offer. This might actually be a blessing in disguise for you. Its always better to realize such things before you start a program! Also like somebody else said, if a current grad student thought it was important enough to send you an email, it means that there was some pretty strong opinions voiced about your (seemingly simple) request. You may want to consider your option here with care. 5 years and a PhD program is demanding..the last thing you want is an uncomfortable atmosphere.

[someDay]

Could it be the case that the department B is rather small, elite-ish and only admits a very small number of students? In this case you might have been booked into university accommodation, have meals as a group and the department planned various social events (truth or dare, the grad student version) to get to know each other and staff.

Then again I might be mistaken this for kindergarden.

sD.

[DeWinter]

Lady L, I think it's probably a case of misunderstanding- they might have thought that he'd sit in the interviews. I'd shoot an email just to be clear. But it is a red flag when a prospective cohort member sends you an email talking about "inside gossip" in the department. My feeling is: stay away!

[peppermint.beatnik]

I can see why the department would object to your partner coming to the interview (or conference?) part, as it's probably not the best idea (although the other school seemed OK with it).

I don't see why they would care if they came with to the city, town, whatever. That is certainly strange. I'm guessing it was a misunderstanding.

[hydrangea]

Thank you for bringing this topic up. My boyfriend and I are applying together, but to different departments. At the moment, we don't have any overlap in acceptances (in fact we don't have any overlap in responses so there's still hope), and I of course want both of us to be at every school visitation made. I will be very careful when inquiring about this. I think a big difference between your case and mine, is that we haven't been asked to interview, either we're in or we're out.

[eucalyptus]

I think you may have been unclear about what aspects of the interview weekend your partner would be attending. If it's anything like the interview weekends I've been to, I think it would be quite strange and somewhat inappropriate for him to attend anything where professors are present (including social events). I'd probably find it much less inappropriate, although still a little bit strange, for him to be at events with grad students (tours, social events, etc). It makes sense that he'd like to see the place for himself if he's relocating with you, so if you just want him to come to town with you and he's planning on exploring the city/campus by himself, that's totally cool. If the department got the idea for whatever reason that you were asking for him to attend official events with you, I can somewhat understand the response you got (although the random-grad-student-emailing-you thing is pretty odd). Clarify exactly what you mean and see if they're receptive to that.

As a side note, I don't agree that you should consider this email exchange as a big red flag without more information. This is a pretty small snag and could easily have just been a misunderstanding combined with a single bitter grad student. Go on your visit and get a feel for the department yourself!

[LadyL]

I think you may have been unclear about what aspects of the interview weekend your partner would be attending. If it's anything like the interview weekends I've been to, I think it would be quite strange and somewhat inappropriate for him to attend anything where professors are present (including social events). I'd probably find it much less inappropriate, although still a little bit strange, for him to be at events with grad students (tours, social events, etc). It makes sense that he'd like to see the place for himself if he's relocating with you, so if you just want him to come to town with you and he's planning on exploring the city/campus by himself, that's totally cool. If the department got the idea for whatever reason that you were asking for him to attend official events with you, I can somewhat understand the response you got (although the random-grad-student-emailing-you thing is pretty odd). Clarify exactly what you mean and see if they're receptive to that.

The grad student is on the planning committee for the visit, and I mentioned in my reply to them that I did not mean to give the impression that I thought my partner could/should attend all the events. I will see what their reaction is and then consider following up again with the department if it seems like this is the source of the confusion. The departmental email more specifically referenced the lodging situation and not wanting prospects to be rooming with significant others and I already replied to that as cordially as possible, and would rather not keep poking at the issue if at all possible.

[dmf]

Let's see if I can bring this thread back to life...

I just got my first interview invite and am wondering about this whole situation. This school is somewhere that neither my fiance or I have ever visited and we've been pretty unhappy living where we currently are so have decided that location is important to us. He wouldn't want to come to any of the events, just explore the city and maybe visit the department that he'd apply to next year if we end up there. Driving would be the easiest way to get there (mileage reimbursement is offered by the department) so he could tag along on that part not trouble. Lodging is really the question... Is it appropriate to ask, as the first poster did, to pay part of the room fee to not have to share with another prospective student (or offer to book on our own and ask for partial reimbursement) or should I just go with whatever they have planned and have him get his own room?

I'd appreciate hearing what others have done in this situation and how it worked out!

[LadyL]

Let's see if I can bring this thread back to life...

I just got my first interview invite and am wondering about this whole situation. This school is somewhere that neither my fiance or I have ever visited and we've been pretty unhappy living where we currently are so have decided that location is important to us. He wouldn't want to come to any of the events, just explore the city and maybe visit the department that he'd apply to next year if we end up there. Driving would be the easiest way to get there (mileage reimbursement is offered by the department) so he could tag along on that part not trouble. Lodging is really the question... Is it appropriate to ask, as the first poster did, to pay part of the room fee to not have to share with another prospective student (or offer to book on our own and ask for partial reimbursement) or should I just go with whatever they have planned and have him get his own room?

I'd appreciate hearing what others have done in this situation and how it worked out!

An update to my OP:

Short version: The department's reaction to my request had high predictive value for their general attitude. After I was accepted, I was told that they abode by the April 15th deadline common at most schools. Two days before the deadline I got an email from the same administrator who'd called my request inappropriate, basically demanding an immediate answer from me and threatening to revoke my offer completely if I didn't respond in 24 hours. I immediately declined and thanked my lucky stars I had other, better offers.

So, in my limited experience, a department that takes this sort of request badly may not be a good environment to spend 5 years in. It may even be a good litmus test for the tone of the department.

[emmm]

Agree it could be a good litmus test, but I'd probably go with your "get him his own room" option, rather than asking the department to make special arrangements.

[coffeecoffeebuzzbuzz]

I have a slightly different perspective on bringing a spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend to an on-campus interview. BTW this is just to offer another way of looking at this scenario, not to say that there is "right" way to do things...

I have a long-term partner (10+ years) who is not attending any of my interviews. We talked about it, but I expressed that I didn't think their attendance was appropriate. I view my graduate school decision and interviews as a strictly a business affair. I want to base my decision primarily on research compatibility, style, lab dynamics, professional expectations, and the financial reality of each potential option. I approach each interview as if I have not yet been accepted and with a fair degree of caution about all interactions even in the "casual" context. I also acknowledge that I act differently when I am accompanied by my partner and I want the impression that I give to potential advisors, labmates, etc... to be based on my professional/independent persona. I try to respect that the school inviting me is essentialy viewing me as a 60K a year (tuition, stipend, academic responsibilities) risk or investment, and I view the interview as the foundation for a contract/bond that will determine my future (and potentially lifelong) career path.

I do think having my partner see possible schools is very important - just not during the interview weekend. As a compromise I offered to cover the cost of a trip for the two of us to my top school *after* I have acceptance letters in hand, but *before* decisions are made. This allows us the opportunity to be leisurely about our assessment of the town/city and eliminates the social pressure of an interview weekend where every action and interaction is under observation and scrutiny. Yes this approach costs more in the short term, but I regard it as essential in the grand scheme of things. This approach allows me to give the grad interview my full attention, and then to focus completely on my partners needs, rather than confusing or diluting the two experiences.My partner also has full veto rights on any location that would seriously compromise their ability to find a future job or a place that simply does not match their lifestyle.

Yes this is a huge decision, and yes I deeply love my partner, but that does not mean asking them to accompany me on grad school interview trips.

[Haustier]

I think the big elephant in the room that everyone is missing is the type of program she is applying to: Psychology. From my experience, psychologist really like to over analyze everything, so the last thing you want to do is potentially give them ammunition.

[natsteel]

An update to my OP:

Short version: The department's reaction to my request had high predictive value for their general attitude. After I was accepted, I was told that they abode by the April 15th deadline common at most schools. Two days before the deadline I got an email from the same administrator who'd called my request inappropriate, basically demanding an immediate answer from me and threatening to revoke my offer completely if I didn't respond in 24 hours. I immediately declined and thanked my lucky stars I had other, better offers.

So, in my limited experience, a department that takes this sort of request badly may not be a good environment to spend 5 years in. It may even be a good litmus test for the tone of the department.

LadyL, please tell me you told that admin that their request for a response was "inappropriate" before declining their offer.

[LadyL]

I think the big elephant in the room that everyone is missing is the type of program she is applying to: Psychology. From my experience, psychologist really like to over analyze everything, so the last thing you want to do is potentially give them ammunition.

The program in question was a neuroscience program. I don't think the problem has to do with any particular trait of psychologists. I didn't receive this sort of treatment from any of the 14 other programs I applied to, which were a mix of psychology and neuroscience programs.

With a little more time in academia, you will probably be as sick of the "Biologists/engineers are all socially inept/aspergers cases" generalization as I am of "psychologists always over analyze everything."

[LadyL]

LadyL, please tell me you told that admin that their request for a response was "inappropriate" before declining their offer.

Heh, no, but for weeks afterward my boyfriend and I used "inappropriate" at every opportunity - "This grocery list is inappropriate! That shirt is an inappropriate color to go with that sweater! INAPPROPRIATE!!!!1!!1!"

[GutLogic]

I read your original post before I had received any interview invitations, and came across it just now as I was about to book my flight for my second interview... As an interesting contrast to your experience, the second program I am interviewing with actually sent me an e-mail asking if I was planning to bring a guest. They said if so, I can book both plane tickets through their travel agency, and they will still have a hotel booked for both of us. They just asked that I pay for half the hotel room if I am bringing a guest (otherwise I'll be sharing the room with another prospective student), and to reimburse them for the other person's airfare.

My boyfriend won't be coming, but I thought that was really nice and accommodating of them. If I had been thinking of bringing my boyfriend before, reading this story would have definitely changed my mind, so I thought I'd share that to show that programs don't uniformly think bringing a guest is inappropriate.

[Eigen]

I took my wife to all of my graduate school interviews... I paid for the extra airfare (if applicable), but she was invited to the dinners I had with the faculty members, etc.

She obviously didn't come to my interviews at the department, but it gave her a good chance to look around the school and the city.

I found the prospective faculty seemed to like it as well- it gave several of them a chance to bring their spouses to the dinners, and made the whole thing more congenial.

I was, however, married- which might have effected it to some degree.