Anyone else married with children?

[Daenerys]

If so, how did that affect your choice of programs??

To answer my own question, I started my MA program as a burned out attorney, but fortunately my hubby is gainfully employed and supported my decision to commute to a school 45 minutes away for my MA.  Unfortunately, that also means that I have limited options for my PhD programs. Lucky for me, I was able to apply to five programs not too far away that are strong in my chosen field.

Anyway, I know that I can’t possibly be the only parent perusing this forum.  Speak up and we can help each other!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JustPoesieAlong]

Hi there! I hope we aren't the only two...We moved across a couple states so I could pursue a funded MA program. I spent a couple of years after graduating working, but really miss academic life and spent some time narrowing the scope of my focus. This time out has been great since I've been able to really refine my research interests. We have two kids now and, thankfully, my husband's job should be transferable. Texas is our home state, but the strongest schools in my area are not near there. I'd love to get us closer to home, but we're on board with moving elsewhere if it's worth it!

Edited January 8, 2018 by JustPoesieAlong

[JustPoesieAlong]

Well, dang. I guess it's just you and me! 

[punctilious]

Married over here! No children, though, and not planning to have any. My job is flexible and could be done remotely so it didn't really impact our choice of programs, but husband did apply to Maryland which means we could stay where we are at. He also applied to a lot of Boston area schools because that is near our family.

[WildeThing]

Also married with no children, though the situations are more different than they are similar I presume.

[TakeruK]

I'm married with children now (graduated, on a postdoc), but at the time of grad school applications, we were married without children (but was planning on it).

This definitely affected where I applied. My spouse is not an academic and could work in most cities (the more universities type places the better). As Canadians, the only way for my spouse to work in the US was to be sponsored as a J-1 international student (the typical international student status is F-1).

Our life is a partnership so grad school applications were the same. This was our strategy:
- I made a list of places with interesting graduate programs in my field; Spouse made a list of places that would be interesting to live or work at
- Spouse had veto power over any place they didn't want to live/work at; I excluded places without programs I'd consider
- We also had a discussion on long term goals: we both wanted to live in a certain geographical area in the long term (where our families are) so our short term goals became "get into the best schools possible to make this long term goal a reality"

With all of the above in mind, we came up with a list of 8 schools to apply to. It was heavily towards places we both would like to live (weather and size of city were two big factors) and places with very strong academic programs (to help achieve the long term goal). There were some places that compromised one or the other because we wanted to keep an option mind (i.e. worth at least an application and the plan was to decide after offers were sent and visits are made).

In the end, I got 5 offers and I only visited the top 3 schools. My spouse visited the schools with me whenever possible. For the visits without my spouse, I took lots of pictures and careful notes of the city. There were usually some specific questions that one or both of us wanted answered so I did my best to find those. When possible, I scheduled some extra time in the visit to explore the city a bit and even look up some potential rentals. I also tried to talk specifically to other graduate students in similar family situations to figure out if they were happy with the work-life balance, if the department was supportive of families, if the dept/school/campus was generally family friendly etc. I made it clear to all the schools that the final decision is 50% me and 50% my spouse and all the departments were supportive of that. Many of them did extra work to provide us with information (e.g. setting up specific meetings with students in similar situations, offering to help my spouse find work in town) and in many other cases, the current grad students introduced me to referred me to specific resources on campus.

It turns out one of the schools refused to sponsor any students at all on J-1 status so that was quickly eliminated. After all the visits, my spouse and I discussed the pros and cons of each place and offered our own final rankings. We had the same ranking so the final choice was easy. I've now graduated from there and there were even more good things about my old program for families that I didn't even know about at the start. Specifically, two things we really liked about the school was 1) extra financial support from Human Resources to defray the cost of childcare (**available to all faculty, staff, postdocs and students) and 2) pretty much every event on campus for students was also open to their partners and there were a lot of family focused events in my department specifically. In the end, due to various reasons, our baby was not born until after graduation so we never took advantage of (1) but even the presence of the program was a good sign for us.

[JustPoesieAlong]

@TakeruK Thank you so, so much for this post. It's so good to hear from somebody on your end of things. Your program sounds incredible; I'd love to know where you went via PM, if you'd rather not disclose publicly. 

The thought process for choosing a school sounds very similar to ours. We do hope to eventually get closer to our families, but agree that me getting a degree from the best school possible for me will increase the odds. I only applied to schools where he and I would both be willing to live and where his job could be transferred. My dream right now is to have enough offers that I can decide what's best for us all--rather than just going to the only place that takes me!

A big part of my decision to get my master's where I did was the resources available to graduate parents, and that is information I only got when I started talking to students who were in the program. Hoping I get to gather that sort of information from the other schools I applied to!

Thank you again!

[TakeruK]

@JustPoesieAlong: I'll send you a PM

I forgot to also say in this post: we moved 3 time zones away for my Masters degree and to a small city far from any hub airport and that made things a lot tougher. It usually took 16 hours door-to-door to go from where we were living to visit our family and 8-10 of those hours was just getting to the hub airport and waiting (4 hour bus ride away, plus mismatch of bus/plane schedules mean lots of waiting around). Half of the schools on our list of 8 were in the same time zone as our family and our final choice was on the west coast! We were only 1 hour from the hub airport and just a 2.5 hour plane ride away. It was so much better. And it's so much easier to Skype family when you're on the same time zone! Being 3 hours ahead meant that we had to stay up late to skype our families after they returned from work.

Good luck

[maengret]

Married no kids. @Daenerys you sound like a scholar whose work I'd like to read! I also applied to SLU but for an MA English (intending to concentrate on Rhet). 

As far as deciding where to apply, we talked about it. There aren't many programs in our area so relocation was on the table right away. He said he's game for almost anywhere because his company is national and transfers should be easier. We intend to sell our condo and use the proceeds for relocation. I looked at MA programs that offer funding and narrowed the list down to about 10 possible schools. Then we looked at cost of living and whether his company has a branch there. I ended up applying to 5 schools.

[Yanaka]

@Daenerys are your children who I think they are, Khaleesi?

[la_mod]

I am neither married or a parent, but I hope to be both within the next few years, so it’s great to hear from everyone who has gone through this! 

Have any of you ever had to live away from your partner / spouse? How did you handle that? 

[WildeThing]

13 minutes ago, la_mod said:

I am neither married or a parent, but I hope to be both within the next few years, so it’s great to hear from everyone who has gone through this! 

Have any of you ever had to live away from your partner / spouse? How did you handle that? 

Yes. I got accepted into an MA and my partner got a research assistantship while she did her PhD so she stayed behind and we separated for 2 years. It was very hard at first but it is certainly something you grt used to, though we were lucky that I got long fall and summer breaks to go back. I certainly don’t recommend it and would never do it again, but if your relationship is solid it is something you can survive.

[la_mod]

22 minutes ago, WildeThing said:

Yes. I got accepted into an MA and my partner got a research assistantship while she did her PhD so she stayed behind and we separated for 2 years. It was very hard at first but it is certainly something you grt used to, though we were lucky that I got long fall and summer breaks to go back. I certainly don’t recommend it and would never do it again, but if your relationship is solid it is something you can survive.

I’m pretty much going to have to. My boyfriend is going to be doing a year masters program here and plans on moving wherever I get in. I’m almost hoping that I get into a program that will let me defer for a year, though I know that’s improbable. I reallllly do not want to do long distance but there’s no good alternative. 

[themoderncondition]

I am married for almost 11years, and I have 2 kids, 7 and 3. I will be commuting rather than uprooting everyone, although my husband offered to move to NY last night. I didn’t get into schools with a more reasonable commute so I’ll be going from northern Jersey to Long Island. I’m hoping I can limit my time on campus to two days a week. Stony Brook is also part of the problem east coast consortium so if I have to have a third day of class, I can try to do that at a closer school—there are certainly plenty to choose from. The hardest part will be duplicating my current income as a full-time teacher. I think the next couple of years are going to be pretty hellish. My husband is very apprehensive, esp about finances, but he also wants me to go for my dream. I’ve started finding ways to supplement income on a flexible schedule already, laying the groundwork early. I’ll also work through summers. 

[JustPoesieAlong]

@themoderncondition You and I seem to be in similar life positions. My husband and I have been together for about 10 years and have two children--9 and 2. My husband is very supportive, but he's also super apprehensive. We're going to need to sell our house and move across state lines with very little money saved up beforehand. I wish I could have stayed nearby so we wouldn't have to pick everything up and leave. We're really hoping he's able to transfer his job, but it's going to be a little bit before we find out the status there. In the long run, I know we'll be okay, but I know the next two or three years will be a big struggle. I'd love to hear more about ways you're finding to supplement your income, because I'm going to need to do the same. I don't know yet about working through summer, but I'll definitely be looking into it. I'm hoping my program offers some opportunities for summer funding, but I don't know that they do. :/ 

[LeeLeeCzechIrish]

So excited to see you all on here! After a stint in the army, I was home with my 3 kids for a while, but now I am going back. I also applied locally since I cannot uproot, and I was thrilled to be accepted at UConn. It will be over an hour commute, but I am hoping to take my classes the same day I teach to minimize the number of trips. I am hoping to get a good number of my reading list books done on audible!

I will most definitely be the oldest in my class, but I look forward to the challenge!!

[Boolakanaka]

Yup. 25 years as a Native rights attorney and some youngins in college, although both near graduation. I’m very fortunate to be married to a physician who is very supportive of me going back to school—as she initially commented “hey, in terms of a midlife crisis, you could be buying some obnoxious car (several of my buddies have gone all out and bought Teslas in recent years) in some ridiculous color, so this is fairly nerdy and benign mid-life crisis.”

[Boolakanaka]

@la_mod It’s certainly doable. Have done it several times during my marriage—bi-costal.It does take a certain personality and we always kept a primary home...

 

[la_mod]

1 hour ago, Boolakanaka said:

@la_mod It’s certainly doable. Have done it several times during my marriage—bi-costal.It does take a certain personality and we always kept a primary home...

 

What do you mean by “primary home”? I don’t currently live with my boyfriend, but he is planning to move wherever I end up at in about a year and a half. 

[Boolakanaka]

@la_modI meant “primary home” as sort of a homebase, where maybe more things and support systems are located. We did it through medical residences and several fellowships, and even a couple of different jobs....

[Mandasplaining]

I’m married, have a 9 month old, and my husband is a songwriter/music producer. We live in Nashville. I applied to 16 PhD programs: 5 in California, 2 in Nashville, and the rest are all in *sorta* close proximity to Nashville, because he is going to have to travel back and forth a LOT for work. It’s a huge sacrifice on his part, and I’m beyond lucky he’s willing to work like this for a few years.

In my dream world, I’ll be at Vanderbilt and we won’t have to move. Right now I haven’t heard a word from them, and I feel like it’s gonna be a NO. I have a SUPER GENEROUS offer from Kentucky, and that’s a 3 1/2 hour drive from Nashville and we could make that work. Honestly, moving to California would be the easiest Plan B just because he already works out there a lot, it wouldn’t be weeks at a time back in Nashville. If we end up at Kentucky, I will be totally FINE, but it feels a heck of a lot more complicated with the babe child. 

I was going to apply to programs last year, but the day I started collecting info for apps and what all I needed to do, was also the day I found out I was pregnant. That was...fun. Hahaha. I didn’t want to wait too long to apply because I was afraid if I didn’t do it while she is still so young, it would be increasingly difficult to do the older she gets. But now I’m just...OH SHIT WHAT ARE WE DOING WHO IS GOING TO RAISE YOU WHEN YOUR DAD IS OUT OF TOWN I GUESS THE DOG WILL BE FINE AS A NANNY.

[themoderncondition]

Congrats @JustPoesieAlong! I hope UGA makes the commuting situation easier. It must be a huge sigh of relief. 

[maengret]

@themoderncondition, @JustPoesieAlong Are you thinking of working in addition to an assistantship? 

[themoderncondition]

@maengretyes. I know it’s insane but I don’t see any other choice   I’m a middle school teacher so um trying to work out a schedule 1/3 of my current load. The admin seem willing to work with me. 

[JustPoesieAlong]

@maengret Not during the regular semesters, but I will more than likely try to find something for the summers. If there's an opportunity to teach or RA during the summer, I'll definitely try for that first. If that's not a possibility, I'll probably need to look for some part time work to have some money to help with summer bills. :/