St Andrews Lynx

In response to Pink Fuzzy Bunny, I don't think most courses will transfer. At least in neuroscience, it's very rare for a grad school to accept coursework done at another institution. Maybe if you got a master's but even then it might not transfer. 
 
I'm also a bit confused about why you're leaving. The only real complaint I can glean from your statement is that your lab doesn't focus exactly on what you want to do and isn't quite as translational as you want. I'd just like to say that your lab doesn't have to do exactly what you want in order for you to study it (you mention that you could work on B even if most of the lab does A). As long as your PI is supportive of this, I see no reason why this is a detriment. Most grad students end up expanding the scope of the lab's research in some way (otherwise everyone would be doing the exact same thing). I also don't know what you want to do after grad school, but it probably won't be what you do for your dissertation. I wouldn't worry if the project doesn't fit the most narrow definition of your research interest. Personally, I think mentorship and fit in the lab is way more important than the actual research. Most people are more flexible than they realize in terms of what they're 'passionate' about, and indeed this often changes over time as you're exposed to different kinds of research. I guess I'm suggesting you ask yourself what your overall fit is with the program and what your chances are of finding a better fit somewhere else are? You've only been in the program a few months. Are you really sure what you want is to leave?

It really boils down to balancing how much funding and how problematic the PI's personality. 
Some personality traits can be adjusted to: you may not like having a hands-off PI, but it doesn't (necessarily) have to make your life miserable or damage your career prospects. An abusive PI should be avoided at all costs, no matter how much funding they have. If you have a high bullish*t threshold then you might be fine working for a PI who is merely "demanding", provided the lab is well-funded and you get a lot of good papers. People have different tolerance levels for bullish*t - it's your choice what you are willing to put up with/sacrifice...and for what. 
Good funding will make your academic life easier. You won't have to be stuck teaching for your entire PhD. You won't have as many resource fights with your fellow grads. Not only check that your PI's have funding, but that their grants are running for several more years after you join. If a lab suddenly loses its funding, the most vulnerable lab members are the 1st and 2nd years (who risk being asked to leave with a Masters or transfer labs). 
When applying it is better to keep an open mind and apply to more schools rather than less. Having several options to choose from never hurts. 

I agree with the above advice that you shouldn't get involved in whatever circumstances/situation that lead your PI to be on administrative leave. Don't defend your PI---clearly there are many things you don't know and most cases where someone would end up on such a leave stem from some serious misconduct that you didn't know about. You can hurt your own reputation by defending someone who has committed serious offenses. 
Another tricky thing is that sometimes not taking any sides can be considered taking a side. For example, if it turns out that your PI had inappropriate relationships with students, harassed them, etc. then being "neutral" in this sense can reflect poorly on you as well. There is little way for you to win while still being associated with this PI. So, I second the advice to talk to the DGS and look for another advisor. 

Managing to get a cat in grad school can be hard, but it's doable. Personally, I'd highly avoid schools that require the GRE- cats are notoriously bad at sitting down for lengths of times, much less at inputing a 90th percentile response into the computer. That said, it might be worth trying to get your feline into a European program. Italy has lasagna, I hear. 

First of all, this whole dating undergrads goal you have is a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not saying you are going to intentionally try to have some sort of skewed power dynamic, but that's what you're describing. You have to be very careful about this (and I would say don't do it at all), because you are older, you are in a position of authority over undergraduates, and it's possible that your goals in this relationship would be very damaging to the trust and open communication you should have in a relationship.
 
As well, your assumption that someone who isn't familiar with the "male body" and has some kind of "otherworldly fascination" with all things new and sexual is wrong as well. Many guys I've spoken to have some form of insecurity or jealousy when it comes to sex. Some even go so far as to not date women that have had sex with other people, even after they themselves are not virgins (I guess this is what you're saying?). Now this is completely hypocritical, I hope you realize.
 
It's also not necessary that someone have no experience for them to be attracted to you, to have some kind of childlike wonder (a really creepy term to use in this discussion), or to feel some exciting crush with butterflies in your stomach and all that. I feel that about my boyfriend of 2.5 years, and it's nowhere near the first relationship I've had.
 
"Interestingly, quite a few girls that have been interested in me have been like 180 degrees from that, like having almost exaggeratedly grown-up-womanish features. Grad school for some weird and inexplicable reason seems to attract these sorts of women too--except for the Asians. I know this is extreme stereotyping but it's something I notice, especially when I compare them to the undergrads at the same university.
I also fear that the type I mentioned in the beginning--the ones who find the idea of having a boyfriend almost "mythical", are likely to be hideous and/or have really ugly personalities. In one way it kind of makes sense--why would I be the first guy to like a girl--though on the other hand my lack of dating has had to do with introversion and illness--two things that have nothing to do with my attractiveness per se. A female counterpart of me might have just been late to "get the memo" that people around her had started dating."
1. I can't believe people in grad school (who are generally older) look older than people in undergrad (who are generally younger). It's not extreme stereotyping (except the Asian part), it's just how aging changes your face.
2. This theory you have about finding relationships "mythical" and being "hideous and/or really ugly in their personality" is absolutely wrong. There are many people who are very attractive (in looks and personality, if this is the only requirement) who have not had relationships before. You don't know what experiences they have had, and again you're falling prey to this fallacy that you're so special and no one else has experienced this before. You touch on this point, but you don't seem to recognize that it's completely wrong. As well, people can be unattractive to YOU, while being attractive to others. You can also have a relationship, even if you are unattractive. Your constant talk about women's looks, their inexperience, and how special you want to be to them just reeks of unstable and insecure masculinity.
 
 
"I think I kind of had four things that I listed as important in a partner:
1) Someone who is new to relationships, like myself, and wants a more childlike and playful relationship
2) Someone who is introverted and intellectual, but not a rival/in the same field
3) Someone I find physically and emotionally (in terms of "raw" mannerisms and the like) attractive to me
4) Someone who fits, logistically and practically speaking, into my life."
1. For you two to be compatible, you need not have the same level of experience. If it's a good relationship, it's childlike and playful (if that's what the two people want). You mentioned not wanting to be so professional and serious in your relationship. Well I'm here to tell you that it's possible - relationships are not like going to an academic talk. They're fun, you can laugh and play and run around and go on the swings and act like kids and no one should judge you. Even if you're in a relationship with someone who has been in a relationship before. My most childlike and playful relationship is my current one, technically eight years after my first (middle-school type) relationship and four years after my more serious first relationship.
2. Your concern about the person being a rival shows me that you are still a bit confused about how relationships work. Or you're very insecure about competing with people. Either way, this needs to be dealt with before you get into any kind of relationship. If not, this will all be raising some serious red flags for the people you're dating. If it doesn't raise serious red flags for them, I would be surprised.
3. This is very important. However, you can not limit yourself, and don't think your level of attraction to the person when you first meet will be related to how attracted you are to them later on. Things really change as a relationship develops, and for me the best relationships where my attraction got stronger were never the ones in which I was most attracted to the person at the beginning. Because then you can only go down from there!
4. I agree with this. This is absolutely important as well. I strongly believe that most undergraduates would not meet this.
 
So generally, please, please don't start dating until you've dealt with these personal issues and these dangerous misconceptions about women, relationships, and compatibility. All I see coming out of this if you start dating without facing and eliminating these issues is a dangerously power imbalanced relationship where you unknowingly end up taking advantage of the other person, all the while trying to stay special/important to them. And that will not be good.

A couple of thoughts.
1. You are spending a lot of time prejudging your graduate cohort without even having gotten to know them yet. You are already assuming that nobody in your cohort with be able to identify with you, that you won't be able to form any close bonds with them because you have different emotional needs, that nobody else had a childhood experience like yours. You can't know that up front, so stop making assumptions about people and get to know some folks. You might be surprised, because
2. Your childhood experiences are not that unique and actually probably more common than you'd think amongst very smart people. I only had one boyfriend from high school to college and had a social awkward upbringing in which I made few friends. I didn't learn how to make friendships until grad school, either. Lots of graduate students are socially awkward and have struggled with mental illness and physical disability.
3. "I think that everyone's happiness in a relationship depends critically on who the other person is and how he/she feels. It's just the nature of relationships." - Nope. It does in part, but a lot of success and happiness in relationships depends on you as well, and the expectations and assumptions you bring to it. I've been in a long-term relationship for 15 years and married for 4.
4. You seem to believe that you need to find someone who is almost exactly like you in order for things to work out. That's not necessarily true. There may be lots of people who have been in a few relationships or even have been married before but realized they were trapped in relationships that didn't work for them and are starting over. There are lots of people who may have changed their personality or behaviors drastically and are figuring out who they are socially again. This goes back to #1, about not making assumptions about people before you get the chance to get to know them.
5. I have to say, this emphasis on childishness and youth is really putting me off. Forgive me, but it sounds a bit creepy, honestly. You're not a child; it is very possible to be curious and vibrant and energetic and bright without being childlike, and there's no such think as a childlike romantic relationship. I'm assuming that you are an adult; you may not be as emotionally mature as other people are, but you don't want a childlike relationship. Relatedly,
6. As an adult, the chances of you finding this:
Basically, I'm envisioning someone for whom the whole idea of having a guy like her whom she likes back as being kind of "mythical", because it's something she's never experienced. Like, the girls around her have had boyfriends, but she never thought she'd have one herself. When a guy (hopefully me) finally likes her whom she like back, it would be an almost otherworldly experience.
are pretty small. Adults are, on average, more subdued than teenagers because they have learned how to deal with their emotions better, through experience. That doesn't mean that the answer is to seek out younger people, for a variety of reasons. More importantly, I think you need to examine why it's so important to you that the other person in your relationship is having the same kind of reactions and feelings to the relationship. Think about this: Would it be enough to you if you were dating someone that was simply happy to be with you and had a great time with you every time you were together? Why is it important that she finds you "mythical" or "otherworldly" (which is bordering on fantasy-land kind of desires, here)? Because this


Is honestly not a particularly good answer. It's as if you don't want to be forced to deal with managing your emotional maturation as an adult...but you can't avoid that. You also cannot rely on your romantic partner to protect you from feeling awkward or out of place with adults. Going into a relationship with that kind of expectation is what I was referring to in #3 - that's the kind of thing that can ruin a relationship no matter how great your partner is, because you weigh it down with unrealistic expectations for what she can do with you. In order to go into a relationship with good chances of success, YOU have to already feel confident and ready and positive about yourself. If you are going in seeking validation for your awkwardness, you're starting off behind.
To that end, I agree with the above advice that you have to do well in other successful relationships before a romantic one, and the most important one is with yourself. You have to feel positive and amazing about yourself before you can go into a relationship expecting it to work out.
I recommend asking Captain Awkward for advice - or at least reading her archives. She would give you really excellent advice.


That IS fetishistic. It's also stereotypical. If you know that it is extreme stereotyping, stop doing it.

Use the internet. Meetup is great for meeting people who share your interests, and the gatherings are already structured (e.g. going out on a hike, having a game night) which makes them easier to navigate. For dating, set up profiles and try OKCupid, Match, etc. You can try looking through the archives of Dan Savage's "Savage Love" - there is advice for everyone everywhere on the dating experience/sexuality spectrum. 
I'd also encourage you not to look at this as a rigid scientific process. If you say to yourself now "I can only obtain a meaningful relationship with a person who has had 0-2 serious relationships"... (i) you limit your dating pool (ii) you stay in incompatible relationships longer because you think this "should" be working (iii) cutesy-newness is overrated. Same with friendship. If you start saying to yourself that only friendships with "mentally-underdeveloped" undergrads could possibly work out...you're going to struggle to find any friends. Some undergrads are fiercely intelligent and will be able to contribute meaningfully to discussions about your research. Some grad students have plenty of friends who are undergrads. Wouldn't it be more useful to have friendships with sociable and emotionally-mature folk, so you could learn somethings from them? Part of having friends in the first place is to enjoy their company: why deliberately seek out "friends" who are awkward to be around?
I think that all good things involve plenty of trial and error to get to. You need to go on lots of dates with a variety of people to figure out who you're attracted to and what is important for you in a relationship. You need to take the initiative when it comes to making friends and be prepared for cool people to blow you off/forget to invite you to their parties. Don't assume that you are too different or inexperienced to form friendships/relationships the way that "normal people" do. Don't expect everything to be perfect the first time you attempt it. 

I think that while the undergraduate experience can be thought of as "academic" and "life experience", it's really just "academic/professional" at grad school level. In the sciences, obtaining PhD can be thought of as "your first full-time job". There isn't a lifestyle associated with it to the same extent. 
One big challenge of trying to make undergraduates your main friendship circles (in addition to what has been said on this & another threads) is the question of logistics/schedule alignment. Undergrads typically bond with people who are in their dorms or classes - which is where they do a lot of their "social interacting". The studious ones socialise during hours in the library or in informal study groups. The non-studious ones go to parties. Their schedules are built around classes, internships & work, which means their free time comes at odd intervals. A lot of them will head home on the weekends to stay with their parents. 
As a grad student it isn't easy to fit yourself in to this. You aren't living with them, and you aren't taking the same classes as them. Your schedule isn't going to fit very well over theirs. The socially-inexperienced undergrads are less likely to head out to student groups anyway - they'll spend the evenings in their dorms. The students who get a kick out of meeting new people (i.e. the more socially-adept ones) will be at the student groups interested in talking to new faces. At this point you may as well as try and make friends with fellow graduate students. 
I understand that the idea of tackling "easy" interactions with undergrads is comforting. However, if you want to become an academic you will have to learn how to interact with academics. And I don't think "training" yourself on undergrads alone can adequately prepare you for dealing with 60 year-old distinguished professors or fellow assistant profs. The sooner you can fake being socially-adept (which is what most of us do anyway) with more "advanced" individuals, the easier your academic career will become.  
 

Use the internet. Meetup is great for meeting people who share your interests, and the gatherings are already structured (e.g. going out on a hike, having a game night) which makes them easier to navigate. For dating, set up profiles and try OKCupid, Match, etc. You can try looking through the archives of Dan Savage's "Savage Love" - there is advice for everyone everywhere on the dating experience/sexuality spectrum. 
I'd also encourage you not to look at this as a rigid scientific process. If you say to yourself now "I can only obtain a meaningful relationship with a person who has had 0-2 serious relationships"... (i) you limit your dating pool (ii) you stay in incompatible relationships longer because you think this "should" be working (iii) cutesy-newness is overrated. Same with friendship. If you start saying to yourself that only friendships with "mentally-underdeveloped" undergrads could possibly work out...you're going to struggle to find any friends. Some undergrads are fiercely intelligent and will be able to contribute meaningfully to discussions about your research. Some grad students have plenty of friends who are undergrads. Wouldn't it be more useful to have friendships with sociable and emotionally-mature folk, so you could learn somethings from them? Part of having friends in the first place is to enjoy their company: why deliberately seek out "friends" who are awkward to be around?
I think that all good things involve plenty of trial and error to get to. You need to go on lots of dates with a variety of people to figure out who you're attracted to and what is important for you in a relationship. You need to take the initiative when it comes to making friends and be prepared for cool people to blow you off/forget to invite you to their parties. Don't assume that you are too different or inexperienced to form friendships/relationships the way that "normal people" do. Don't expect everything to be perfect the first time you attempt it. 

Having a just cause is not enough.
Your posts here focus on your obvious disgust at Sarah's manipulative and unethical behavior, but the way you chose to resolve the issue was entirely based in the hope that others would share this disgust. You didn't really consider that the people with the power to address the issues you raised might be at best disinclined to do so and at worse complicit in Sarah's behavior. As a consequence, your behavior, particularly how you talked about the problem in your community (as @St Andrews Lynx noted above) made it very easy for your professor to pass this off as two squabbling graduate students.
Politics is the fine art of getting what you want. In many cases, as it would have been here, what you want is an ethical and just outcome. But achieving such an outcome often requires a great deal of (ethically ambiguous) finesse, since what you want is at odds with what someone else (Sarah, your professor) want. If you had been more deliberate and careful in this portion of your campaign, I think you would have been able to either marginalize or remove Sarah while keeping your position.
As I said, none of us are trained for this, and few realize how important such skills are. This was an expensive lesson; don't let it go to waste.

From your descriptions, two things come to mind:
1. It sounds like you are saying that you have a really strong need to be important/significant. For example, you feel disoriented when you aren't the foremost expert in your field in the room. You want to be unique/special in a romantic way to a potential partner. Being important / making a difference in a world is a common human need. I feel that your expression of this need is more extreme. Of course, it's your life and your choices, but may I suggest a slightly different perspective? You want your potential partner to have "otherworldly" experiences about you because you want your own experiences reciprocated. But how about another thought: you and your partner can still have "otherworldly" experiences even if the reason for these experiences are completely different. You might be feeling this because it's your first significant relationship and they might be interested in you because you are interesting in other ways! 
2. It also sounds to me like you are saying that your ability to be happy in a relationship depends on how things that should be completely out of your control. You cannot choose how another person feels about you or how they act. It may not be healthy to depend on how others feel in order to gain satisfaction or happiness. From your description, it almost sounds like you are already crafting the "perfect partner" in your head and now you are trying to find people and then you want them to become this idealized perfect partner. I would advise against this. For a scientific analogy, this would be similar to pre-selecting the conclusion/experimental outcome you want ahead of time and then trying to design the perfect experiment that produces the outcome you want! 
This is why many people have continually suggest that you reconsider these impossibly high "standards" you set for a potential partner (and also all the perceived "barriers" you set up for yourself that might not actually exist in reality). You have all these expectations and needs out of life that aren't realistic because they are not things you can choose (e.g. how another person feels) and it's not likely you will be able to both identify someone that meets all of these things without getting to know them more casually first. Also, as you have said before, you are inexperienced. So, you may find what you want/need will change as you gain more experiences.

Yep! That's how relationships work. I am, at this point, very friendly, very social, love people. (At least on the academic scale: on the population-of-the-United-States scale, I'm a mild introvert.) I have more in common with you biographically than you might think, although I do not and will not disclose the specifics on this website, whether publicly or over PM. But I'm now at the very friendly and comfortable with basic social interactions stage. I have also never had a relationship, whether a passing friendship, a dating thing, or one of my best friends, where all of those things aligned. People have too many needs and wants! I never expect to find a relationship like that, either. But my human relationships are based on having a lot of things in common, or sometimes just one thing in common. Like, I have a friend whom I don't like all that much, and who I don't think particularly likes me either (we're solidly neutral on the 'how great is this person' evaluations), but we have very compatible habits of how to check in while working on something else. Not a core friendship, but it is a friendship.
So, anyway, yeah. You're trying to skip too many steps in your relationships. You gotta start with casual friendships—which not that bad, so far as these projects go. (I had to start with 'you and the guy working at the coffee shop exchange a single pleasant sentence each about the song on the radio' as something that initially seemed impossible.) I've never been in love. Maybe two-thirds of the people in first-year graduate school haven't, either. I also wouldn't be surprised if I graduate from here in my 30s without having been in love. But even if I don't go on a single date in the next decade, I'll construct a full life anyway. Also, on your whole extremely specific checklist, this is not how to go about this. Unfortunately, a word I use because many of these will be boring, you have to start with casual dates: you do not want to go into a coffee expecting "life partner" or even "brief, life-altering experience on the model of 500 Days of Summer." (Do not model your life on that movie.) You gotta go in hoping for a nice half hour with an interesting human. From this you figure out what types of people are actually compatible with you.

I think you're severely overestimating how many people had some traditional middle/high school "typical" relationship. And how impactful that experience is on the rest of us.
 

I think that while the undergraduate experience can be thought of as "academic" and "life experience", it's really just "academic/professional" at grad school level. In the sciences, obtaining PhD can be thought of as "your first full-time job". There isn't a lifestyle associated with it to the same extent. 
One big challenge of trying to make undergraduates your main friendship circles (in addition to what has been said on this & another threads) is the question of logistics/schedule alignment. Undergrads typically bond with people who are in their dorms or classes - which is where they do a lot of their "social interacting". The studious ones socialise during hours in the library or in informal study groups. The non-studious ones go to parties. Their schedules are built around classes, internships & work, which means their free time comes at odd intervals. A lot of them will head home on the weekends to stay with their parents. 
As a grad student it isn't easy to fit yourself in to this. You aren't living with them, and you aren't taking the same classes as them. Your schedule isn't going to fit very well over theirs. The socially-inexperienced undergrads are less likely to head out to student groups anyway - they'll spend the evenings in their dorms. The students who get a kick out of meeting new people (i.e. the more socially-adept ones) will be at the student groups interested in talking to new faces. At this point you may as well as try and make friends with fellow graduate students. 
I understand that the idea of tackling "easy" interactions with undergrads is comforting. However, if you want to become an academic you will have to learn how to interact with academics. And I don't think "training" yourself on undergrads alone can adequately prepare you for dealing with 60 year-old distinguished professors or fellow assistant profs. The sooner you can fake being socially-adept (which is what most of us do anyway) with more "advanced" individuals, the easier your academic career will become.  
 

I think that while a lot of these tips have good intentions behind them, I think a lot of them are clouded by the expectation that all applicants should already know the "social norms" of an academic department and somehow know how things are "supposed" to happen. I second much of AP's response and thoughts.
I also want to go further and say that "tips" like this are actually harmful to academia. I encourage you, @GradSecretary, to speak more with students to learn about their perspective and maybe why they do some of these things that (understandably) frustrate you. Not just international students, but many American students who are new to academia will not know how academic departments work. I know that many of the things you write about here were unknown to me when I started undergraduate studies. I am the first person in my family to go to any sort of University and I learned a lot about what is normal and expected for academics through my undergraduate mentor and advisor. However, I know that many others like me did not have the same benefit and learning, but that doesn't mean they are less qualified for graduate school.
At my school, there is a concentrated effort by students, faculty and administrators to create better pathways for students to apply to our school, especially students without prior experience with how North American academic institutions work. This means that we care about helping students who will make a lot of the mistakes that frustrate you from the list without knowing that they are mistakes. Our goal is to encourage them to apply and not judge them based on things that they cannot possibly know. And to be honest, knowing whether or not emailing the department head is the correct thing to do isn't a pre-requisite to graduate school. This is something you learn after entering grad school, not before. 
Finally, in the spirit of your list, I have compiled a similar list from the international student's point of view when emailing department staff. I don't mean this as an attack on you, but with the idea of "if you can dish it, you can take it" and with the intention of asking you to consider the other side, here are my "tips":
My name may not follow North American standards, please don't assume the first part of my name is my legal first name and the last part is my legal last name. My country may refer to each other as LastName Firstname. If you are not sure how to address me, you can always just ask. Or, you can copy whatever I sign my message with. Please understand that just as you may be confused with how to address me, I am confused as how to address others in North American culture.  Please understand that other countries and departments have different hierarchies. In many places, grad students are indeed hired by the school and sometimes the person doing the "hiring" is the department, not professors. In the case that I have mistaken you for a faculty member, please gently correct me. Please understand that the application process can be completely foreign and new to me. I may not be sure the correct person to send a query so I might ask multiple people to ensure the right person gets the message. I don't expect to skip any chain of command when writing to the department head. However, when I go on most academic department websites  and look for someone to be the "face" of the department, this person is usually the department head. Please understand that I may not be familiar with North American academic culture and I may not understand that the department head is a very busy and important person whose main jobs are internal matters instead of directly communicating with prospective students. As an outsider, it might make the most sense to contact the person "in charge". You can help us learn this by gently correcting us, or even better, suggesting a change to the department website that makes it more clear where to direct our queries. Please carefully read the emails I send. English may not be my first language, so please be generous in your interpretation. I might not use the right words so my writing might appear childish, or awkward, or maybe abrupt/impolite. I may only know the dictionary definitions of some words, and not the connotations that come with use of certain words. With some time and attention to your communication, you will receive better information from me and I will be able to comply with your instructions better. If you find that I am having trouble understanding what to do, please consider asking me to confirm understanding and consider rethinking your own word choice to ensure there is clear communication for a non-native speaker. Certain idioms, expressions and abbreviations may be very confusing. In particular, please be explicit in your communication because what makes sense to you may not make sense to me. I don't expect your grammar to be perfect. However, writing sentences that help non-native speakers and those who are unfamilair with academic culture understand can go a long way in getting what you need/want from me. Please understand that moving to a new country, or a new city for the first time can be very scary. Many of us are moving out of our hometown for the very first time in our life. We don't mean to use you as our sole lifeline and support, but often, you are the first person we have had contact with and maybe the only person we have talked to about anything outside of research or academics. Sometimes the materials that the college sends us gets lost in the mail or arrives at our old home way after we have already moved. Or, sometimes, in the stress of moving and changing homes, we forgot about an old email or message that you have helpfully sent. Please be understanding and remind us about existing resources or point us to new ones. Just a few suggestions to make your department more welcoming and to help us understand you better, which should also make your life easier! Please remember that very few applicants want to intentionally piss people off. Often, if we do something strange, it is because we do not know what else to do and are seeking help.

Yes, basically this. I would encourage you to meet a lot of people, and I think you're smart to want to be meeting people from a wider range of ages and contexts than your cohort in graduate school might offer. I think the whole categorizing impulse—of stacking everybody into a single 'social maturity' slot on a linear scale—is probably not going to serve you well. People can be naive or mature about different things, you know? Like you say that people's professional maturity and social maturity are different, I'd break down social maturity into a lot of different things. Not just, "romantic" and "friends," either, but regarding finances, or grieving, or ability to not take impersonal things personally, or news, or realizing that people have different sides, or articulating what your own emotional needs, or, or, or. (I'm afraid you may not agree with this example, but I bet if one of your friends developed a chronic illness, you'd have the social maturity not to freak out and in that panic never speak to them again. You might be surprised, based on my reading of your experiences, at how many people—ranging in age from high school freshman to bona fide grown adults past middle age—will do the latter!) Keep up with therapy. (Maybe try to find a therapist who pushes back on the black-and-white thinking? I'm not sure affirming "yes, you have a certain emotional age that is exactly analogous to all people of a different chronological age, despite the fact that people that age certainly also have a range of maturity" is helpful for you.) Join lots of meetups. Hang out with people of all ages, certainly including the younger ones, but don't ignore the older ones. (I feel like the average age of "will I ever find love? I've never had a boyfriend or kissed anybody" letter writers to the advice columns I read is [anecdotally], like, at least 30.) Try two new things a semester, or whatever number feels right to you. Are there support groups for your illness, or young people who've faced similar challenges, on your campus? That could also be a helpful outlet.

Lots of good advice, here, I just want to add one other thing, since it hasn't been explicitly said:
If you're a grad student, don't date undergraduates. They may be right for you in some ways, but the potential complications (and legal or ethical issues from your school) are not worth the risk. Take the time to find someone closer to your age that is in a similar position. 
I also think you're maximizing your uniqueness in this area. You don't sound that different than other friends of mine when they started grad school. You are used to setting yourself apart, and you see very clearly where you developed differently or slowly in these areas- I think you're underestimating how many other people they are with unique but parallel trajectories in graduate programs. 

Hi Visualizer,
I am a little confused about what you want. In the first post, you ask "what is the best way" forward and your post title mentions "catching up", but then in recent posts, you say that you don't want to grow quickly. I think it's important for you to consider what the others have said so far, especially the parts that you disagree with. I'm not saying that you have to change everything about yourself suddenly or do a whole bunch of things you are not comfortable with. 
But, growing does mean that you have to be willing and ready to get a little uncomfortable. I think you can and should decide which parts can be uncomfortable. The reason why I said I was confused is not because I don't understand the difference between wanting to grow and "not wanting to grow too quickly". I do see the difference. However, you asked for advice on the "best" way forward and as I said above, growing requires a little bit of discomfort. "Not wanting to grow too quickly" is a subjective term that could mean something different for you than it does for me or another person reading.
I think you have mentioned that you are working with someone to help guide your development. This is good. Have you talked to them about your desire to grow and venture outside of your comfort area? Maybe you could work with your counselor to discuss your worries and concerns about growing and between the two of you, you can identify some specific areas you may be okay with getting uncomfortable. It might even help to come up with some strategies to deal with your discomfort when it comes up. And maybe you want to also come up with an "emergency escape plan" on what to do if you get really uncomfortable. 
The reason I say this is because in your posts here, you have mentioned a lot of things that you must specifically have in order to be happy. It's fine to know what you are happy with. However, it's not realistic or practical or possible to have all of it at once, immediately. So, out of all of these things, what are you most willing to give up, temporarily? Maybe you can then build your next social or romantic relationship without worrying about that one factor and see where it goes. You're not committed to giving up that thing forever. After all, I think most people aged 18-20 also aren't necessarily looking for friends or romantic partners for life, so starting a friendship or romantic relationship with someone doesn't mean that you are compromising your identity or that you have to change your own life forever. I encourage you to continue talking and working with your counselor to find the best strategies moving forward (after all, most of us here aren't properly trained for this!)
P.S. Just to address your comment on "respect". I think that you have that part wrong. You say that there isn't lack of respect, however, you immediately described your former partners in extremely negative ways right after saying you "respected" them. This shows me that you do not really respect your former partners.

Use the internet. Meetup is great for meeting people who share your interests, and the gatherings are already structured (e.g. going out on a hike, having a game night) which makes them easier to navigate. For dating, set up profiles and try OKCupid, Match, etc. You can try looking through the archives of Dan Savage's "Savage Love" - there is advice for everyone everywhere on the dating experience/sexuality spectrum. 
I'd also encourage you not to look at this as a rigid scientific process. If you say to yourself now "I can only obtain a meaningful relationship with a person who has had 0-2 serious relationships"... (i) you limit your dating pool (ii) you stay in incompatible relationships longer because you think this "should" be working (iii) cutesy-newness is overrated. Same with friendship. If you start saying to yourself that only friendships with "mentally-underdeveloped" undergrads could possibly work out...you're going to struggle to find any friends. Some undergrads are fiercely intelligent and will be able to contribute meaningfully to discussions about your research. Some grad students have plenty of friends who are undergrads. Wouldn't it be more useful to have friendships with sociable and emotionally-mature folk, so you could learn somethings from them? Part of having friends in the first place is to enjoy their company: why deliberately seek out "friends" who are awkward to be around?
I think that all good things involve plenty of trial and error to get to. You need to go on lots of dates with a variety of people to figure out who you're attracted to and what is important for you in a relationship. You need to take the initiative when it comes to making friends and be prepared for cool people to blow you off/forget to invite you to their parties. Don't assume that you are too different or inexperienced to form friendships/relationships the way that "normal people" do. Don't expect everything to be perfect the first time you attempt it. 

Use the internet. Meetup is great for meeting people who share your interests, and the gatherings are already structured (e.g. going out on a hike, having a game night) which makes them easier to navigate. For dating, set up profiles and try OKCupid, Match, etc. You can try looking through the archives of Dan Savage's "Savage Love" - there is advice for everyone everywhere on the dating experience/sexuality spectrum. 
I'd also encourage you not to look at this as a rigid scientific process. If you say to yourself now "I can only obtain a meaningful relationship with a person who has had 0-2 serious relationships"... (i) you limit your dating pool (ii) you stay in incompatible relationships longer because you think this "should" be working (iii) cutesy-newness is overrated. Same with friendship. If you start saying to yourself that only friendships with "mentally-underdeveloped" undergrads could possibly work out...you're going to struggle to find any friends. Some undergrads are fiercely intelligent and will be able to contribute meaningfully to discussions about your research. Some grad students have plenty of friends who are undergrads. Wouldn't it be more useful to have friendships with sociable and emotionally-mature folk, so you could learn somethings from them? Part of having friends in the first place is to enjoy their company: why deliberately seek out "friends" who are awkward to be around?
I think that all good things involve plenty of trial and error to get to. You need to go on lots of dates with a variety of people to figure out who you're attracted to and what is important for you in a relationship. You need to take the initiative when it comes to making friends and be prepared for cool people to blow you off/forget to invite you to their parties. Don't assume that you are too different or inexperienced to form friendships/relationships the way that "normal people" do. Don't expect everything to be perfect the first time you attempt it. 

Use the internet. Meetup is great for meeting people who share your interests, and the gatherings are already structured (e.g. going out on a hike, having a game night) which makes them easier to navigate. For dating, set up profiles and try OKCupid, Match, etc. You can try looking through the archives of Dan Savage's "Savage Love" - there is advice for everyone everywhere on the dating experience/sexuality spectrum. 
I'd also encourage you not to look at this as a rigid scientific process. If you say to yourself now "I can only obtain a meaningful relationship with a person who has had 0-2 serious relationships"... (i) you limit your dating pool (ii) you stay in incompatible relationships longer because you think this "should" be working (iii) cutesy-newness is overrated. Same with friendship. If you start saying to yourself that only friendships with "mentally-underdeveloped" undergrads could possibly work out...you're going to struggle to find any friends. Some undergrads are fiercely intelligent and will be able to contribute meaningfully to discussions about your research. Some grad students have plenty of friends who are undergrads. Wouldn't it be more useful to have friendships with sociable and emotionally-mature folk, so you could learn somethings from them? Part of having friends in the first place is to enjoy their company: why deliberately seek out "friends" who are awkward to be around?
I think that all good things involve plenty of trial and error to get to. You need to go on lots of dates with a variety of people to figure out who you're attracted to and what is important for you in a relationship. You need to take the initiative when it comes to making friends and be prepared for cool people to blow you off/forget to invite you to their parties. Don't assume that you are too different or inexperienced to form friendships/relationships the way that "normal people" do. Don't expect everything to be perfect the first time you attempt it. 

Use the internet. Meetup is great for meeting people who share your interests, and the gatherings are already structured (e.g. going out on a hike, having a game night) which makes them easier to navigate. For dating, set up profiles and try OKCupid, Match, etc. You can try looking through the archives of Dan Savage's "Savage Love" - there is advice for everyone everywhere on the dating experience/sexuality spectrum. 
I'd also encourage you not to look at this as a rigid scientific process. If you say to yourself now "I can only obtain a meaningful relationship with a person who has had 0-2 serious relationships"... (i) you limit your dating pool (ii) you stay in incompatible relationships longer because you think this "should" be working (iii) cutesy-newness is overrated. Same with friendship. If you start saying to yourself that only friendships with "mentally-underdeveloped" undergrads could possibly work out...you're going to struggle to find any friends. Some undergrads are fiercely intelligent and will be able to contribute meaningfully to discussions about your research. Some grad students have plenty of friends who are undergrads. Wouldn't it be more useful to have friendships with sociable and emotionally-mature folk, so you could learn somethings from them? Part of having friends in the first place is to enjoy their company: why deliberately seek out "friends" who are awkward to be around?
I think that all good things involve plenty of trial and error to get to. You need to go on lots of dates with a variety of people to figure out who you're attracted to and what is important for you in a relationship. You need to take the initiative when it comes to making friends and be prepared for cool people to blow you off/forget to invite you to their parties. Don't assume that you are too different or inexperienced to form friendships/relationships the way that "normal people" do. Don't expect everything to be perfect the first time you attempt it. 

Use the internet. Meetup is great for meeting people who share your interests, and the gatherings are already structured (e.g. going out on a hike, having a game night) which makes them easier to navigate. For dating, set up profiles and try OKCupid, Match, etc. You can try looking through the archives of Dan Savage's "Savage Love" - there is advice for everyone everywhere on the dating experience/sexuality spectrum. 
I'd also encourage you not to look at this as a rigid scientific process. If you say to yourself now "I can only obtain a meaningful relationship with a person who has had 0-2 serious relationships"... (i) you limit your dating pool (ii) you stay in incompatible relationships longer because you think this "should" be working (iii) cutesy-newness is overrated. Same with friendship. If you start saying to yourself that only friendships with "mentally-underdeveloped" undergrads could possibly work out...you're going to struggle to find any friends. Some undergrads are fiercely intelligent and will be able to contribute meaningfully to discussions about your research. Some grad students have plenty of friends who are undergrads. Wouldn't it be more useful to have friendships with sociable and emotionally-mature folk, so you could learn somethings from them? Part of having friends in the first place is to enjoy their company: why deliberately seek out "friends" who are awkward to be around?
I think that all good things involve plenty of trial and error to get to. You need to go on lots of dates with a variety of people to figure out who you're attracted to and what is important for you in a relationship. You need to take the initiative when it comes to making friends and be prepared for cool people to blow you off/forget to invite you to their parties. Don't assume that you are too different or inexperienced to form friendships/relationships the way that "normal people" do. Don't expect everything to be perfect the first time you attempt it. 

I have had friends leave PhD programs because of similar reasons, or because they are unhappy with the department culture, or because their advisors didn't want them to continue etc.
But I'm not 100% sure what you are asking. 
First, I want to say that it's completely possible that, through no fault of her own, that your friend's experience with your program is completely different than your own. But I think you know this. I'm just confused because it sounds a little bit like you think your friend shouldn't act this way and that they should have tried harder to stay/fit in.
When you say it like "how to maintain a relationship until they leave", it sounds as if you do not want to maintain your friendship with this person after they leave. I mean, it's your choice on who you choose as friends, but I don't think you need to feel that you are in between your friend and your department. You don't have to feel like you need to defend the department to your friend and your friend doesn't need to feel like she has to defend her decision to you. 
Yes, it turns out you were one of three people she could talk to in the department, but it's not your fault that your friend chose to leave. It's also not your job to convince her to stay or to worry about what could have gone differently. I understand that you feel uncomfortable that someone close to you feels anger/hatred towards a program (which I think you really like?) but this might be a time where you see it from your friend's perspective. I think it's probably harder for someone to choose to leave a program, even if they were unhappy there, than it is for someone to have their friend leave the program. So, maybe your friend really just needs you to be their friend right now. 
Sorry if that was a little too preachy. In my similar situation, my friend was actually my friend before they went to my program (they were a few years behind me in undergrad). It was a little easier because there wasn't much hatred/anger towards the program---instead, it was when my friend realised that their goals and priorities aren't well aligned with the program's so they left.
Finally, I think if the main source of the discomfort is the fact that your friend brings up a lot of negativity about a program that you really like, then I think that is something that can be addressed. Sometimes you do need to let your friend rant a bit, but it's also not fair for you to be your friend's only source to vent about their frustrations with the program! Maybe if you are no longer comfortable with the quantity or quality of your friend's ranting, you can talk to her about it. She is your friend and hopefully she will realise that you are happy in the program and that it's possible for you to be on her side but also be happy with the department because you two are different people with different experiences.

As far as I'm aware, admission committees don't tally up the number of research credits you have when looking at PhD applications: instead they try to determine (through your letters of rec and any publications/awards) how much research experience you have and how good you were at it. Obviously you could have taken 5 research credits...but never showed up in lab. 
The comment you made about the lab mentor is a bit confusing. Are they a graduate student in the lab, or the professor? How much time would you be committing to this particular lab without taking research credits (vs. with)? If we're talking about a significant drop in time spent on research, you might want to consider switching mentor or lab to ensure you actually get some meaningful research done. If the mentor is just a grad student, you might want to consider talking to the professor in the lab to ask what they recommend you do.