random_grad

love this idea. thank you for your comment! It is true that I can't really imagine when would be the next time I'd have an opportunity to learn a language.

I am in 3rd year of PhD, I finished coursework last term. Now I have teaching, fellowship applications, a research project I'm leading and 2 side jobs to help supplement the stipend. And, supposedly, my dissertation (whom am I kidding?). Plus, I'm also enrolled into an intermediate language course, which meets daily, but which is not required for my degree. Going to class is utterly out of sync with the rest of my stuff. I started by not doing the homework, because every evening I would be done with all my other stuff and feel exhausted. I kept telling myself that I'll catch up once deadline 1 will be over; then when deadline 2 will be over; etc. Over the October long week-end I missed several classes because teacher 2 (we have 2 teachers) did not allow me to skip turn when I really had no idea what to say. I started feeling ashamed and angry. Come the end of October, I skipped an entire week. I would do homework, come to campus, but make myself late by visiting some shop on the way, and then I'd feel too ashamed to show up late and so would skip the class for which I prepared. This Saturday was the last major deadline of the semester. Today I went to the administration hoping to drop the course. It is now past the deadline and they are not making it easy, for which I am grateful. I am meeting with teacher 1 tomorrow. My friends mostly just say they would support me if I drop. My mom says I should swallow my pride and keep going; that 5 years from now I'll regret dropping this language. Theoretically, I would be able to catch up to a point of getting maybe a B in the course. So I probably should continue. My question is: what would be some helpful motivational techniques for getting out of this absenteeism pattern? Basically, I would appreciate positive comments conducive to continuing.

that was my opinion too for a while. whatever works! I agree that longdistance is not for everyone. It s just that the message society sends is that it is for nobody. And I m just saying that is not true.

This post is meant as an encouragement and reassurance for all people facing the two-body problem in academia. An encouragement I wish I (we) had had. We made it work in combination with an open marriage. (OK, it's only been a year - full disclosure) Many of you might have seen this article on Open Marriage in the New York Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/11/magazine/is-an-open-marriage-a-happier-marriage.html?_r=0 (A rather convoluted but honest presentation of what my - our - experience has been with that.) In a nutshell: the main issue with open marriage is jealousy. My spouse and I were unable to overcome it. But we have found ways of avoiding it, and since we have established a set of rules, the main of which is "don't ask don't tell", our marriage has become happier. The reason why we needed to go with open marriage was because both my spouse and I are currently in graduate school, just not in the same country. And the way it looks, I doubt we'll ever live in the same town due to the nature of academic careers - we are not willing to settle for anything less than the best we can get. So we now live apart, and we had been together for 10 y. But we have our needs, and our "philosophy" says that polyamory is fine just fine. So ever since we started living separately we have been in an open marriage and it has been great. We renewed our vows mid-way through the academic year, because we felt a much stronger connection than ever before once we met on a honeymoon-style vacation. That's the big advantage of solving the 2-body problem by living separately. You only get the best of the relationship: -- Nobody gets frustrated over not being able to fully pursue their career potential. And we f----ing love what we do. -- Every meeting is a honeymoon, when each spouse makes an effort to be at their sweetest, most exciting, most energetic self. -- When you're away, you share with each other the best things happening to you, you share happiness and joy, and you don't overload each other with the transient day-to-day crap that gets resolved within a day (I'm not talking about major issues). -- You get to make your own schedule for sleep, work, play and you pick what you eat -- You learn to deal with stuff by yourself, and you become stronger from it. -- You get lots of free time to explore who you are, to pursue hobbies or other lovers, instead of just compromising on your time off with your spouse. Then, you share with each other the independent discoveries that you made and you make each other that much richer. -- You get funny comments like: "You're a power couple" and it makes you all nice and fuzzy inside. (That's actually an important point: you gotta project the image of success and learn to present the long-distance relationship in a positive light, and "power couple" is one socially acceptable way of talking about it.) And it's not just us! I have talked to other academic friends and once they heard me talk openly about the pluses of living in different cities, they all confirmed that yes, they actually enjoy extended time off from their spouses/families. It's just that society makes it so unacceptable for anyone to ever admit that. So to all you out there contemplating sacrificing one of the careers over living separately, it is not always the best choice. Long-distance relationships are not that bad. People focus on the bad when they talk about it because that's expected of them, but you make your own happiness and the smart couple of academics that you are - you are in an excellent position to make it work if career is key for you.

I have. I used to have a very good private yoga instructor (who also happens to be a very advanced practitioner with lots of serious training and validation in India) when I was in the undergrad, and since then none of the standard yoga classes cut it for me. it feels fake. I know I sound like a snob but it is what it is. Unfortunately I don't live where she lives anymore. I go to night clubs for exercise and I also want to start a martial art next semester or tai chi. you totally get where I'm coming from in regards to depression and why I posted this. I've been trying to schedule lunches with classmates for the week. I think posting here has been a first step towards realizing I need human interaction (it so happens that my family moved back to Canada this academic year so I'm all by myself in the U.S. -- welcome to the two-body problem. I probably should post about that, since we managed to make it work really well so far and I wish I had read success stories about it rather than constantly hearing omg this is so bad). My spouse talks to me on the phone every day, but it just ain't the same as real human interaction in person. a previous therapist told me that some PhD students make it a point to schedule a couple of lunches per week with various people, mostly peers, to battle isolation. feels like too much work for me, but they might be unto something.

I can't really do it at this stage, I just accepted a career-defining fellowship for next year, if I don't do it right it would be over for me. (that could also explain the pressure). But it could be an option for later. I don't really wanna take the summer off, I am very excited to brainstorm my dissertation. It's just these projects that scare me, I'm really not that interested in them anymore, and the fellowship of course is daunting. No money too, but that's no news to me. thanks for editing for me! I would never hurt myself. but if it comes to that, I will call my uni's clinic. it's a good thing I stopped drinking hehe. In fact, just now I have realized that the only reason why I wanna die is to make this pain stop. It's a lot to deal with, coming to terms and all. But I wanna live.Suicide would be a win for the bad guys, not for me

oh damn, I'm sorry, you're right. I should have put a trigger warming. I suck. can't edit it now. thank you, folks, for your kind words. rationally I know that suicide isn't an answer, but nothing about this desire is rational. I sort of did, to my advisor (who also happens to be the DGS). I think they communicated that to other profs as their tone changed somewhat since then. But if that's not enough, I'll definitely talk to them again. Thank you for your advice.

*trigger warning: sexual abuse and suicide* I've got 99 problems but grad school ain't one ...but now because of these other problems grad school is becoming one. This is not so much a post to ask for advice, but to rant and commiserate. Anyways, here goes. Here I am, random_grad, at the end of year two, i.e. finishing coursework, all professors happy, all going quite alright, so, being in that happy place, I feel strong to explore dark events from my past, in an effort to solve my mental health issues. And woosh, repressed childhood memories, realizations about previously dismissed triggers, crazy shit. Turns out, I was in denial about being sexually abused by a parent, from an extremely young age. So now this exploration of who I am (genetics included) and how to deal with this is consuming me, I spend hours lying in bed untangling memories and cues. Oh, it makes me stronger, I feel like nothing can hurt me no more, I have regained trust in people, we're making good progress with my therapist. I am extremely confident, I am learning to love my body, I have acknowledged and ditched my alcohol addiction. I am embracing my gender fluidity and some previously suppressed aspects of my sexuality. The prospects for the far future looks quite good. The issue is the now. I am suicidal more than ever before, I don't spend enough time on my PhD, and now it is starting to become an issue. I have put off the writing of my projects for too long. The professors are cooperating and gave me extensions but I can tell that they are concerned about me dropping out (which I am not considering, but which would happen in the event of suicide). For most of the year I have been able to compartmentalize quite efficiently, always be sharp at seminars, submitting work on time, so that all my profs probably thought that all is well. But now the non-academic side of my life is taking over my mind, draining all my mental resources. So now I am thinking that I should not have opened this pandora's box, and maybe it's not too late to close it and get back to work?.. I feel silly writing this. Obviously, I should just talk to my therapist. But I've written it, so let's see what comes out of it.

While I get the reasoning behind "do not pay for grad school" advice, I think it should not be a rule of thumb. If the MA you're considering is from a significantly better-ranked school + offer unique training opportunities relevant for your field + you have a bit of savings, then I think there's nothing wrong with paying for that MA. I personally took out a loan to do my MA and the difference in maturity it offered was huge. I am confident that the writing sample I produced + references I got + training in specialty-specific tools greatly increased my chances. To be fair, I had partial funding for the MA so the ensuing debt was not huge. All this to convey that while the one MA to which you got accepted might not be ideal for your situation, you should not rule out the option of applying for more MAs next time around as a way of diversifying your profile (some universities would even accept their undergrads after they did an MA elsewhere). Talk to your LOR writers, present all the options you are considering. The downside of taking non-degree courses is that you won't get a grade/it will not be full-time and you will still spend money on this enterprise, while it is not clear how much difference it will make for your profile. Unless it's languages which you are missing, imo a few extra seminar courses won't make a difference.

exactly! that' why I think the plumber was arrogant, as I bet his home is fancier than mine. he must think I'm some kind of useless low-life who deserves no respect. I don't want the transition to be too much of a shock either, because then I won't have free mental health and whatnot. That's why I'm thinking that perhaps it would be wise to have some way of reminding myself of how things really are. On the other hand, it's nice to have a sort of 2nd childhood if you will. it evens out due to pleasure, as compared to say when I worked in an office and didn't put as much work but didn't enjoy it as much either.

Although I am not exactly eating caviar on my stipend, there are certainly perks the university itself offers which I realize I have quickly started taking for granted, e.g. politeness of staff, high-tech capabilities of facilities, healthcare benefits and the general well-kept environment on campus. It's all so nice that whenever I encounter reality it's a shock for me. Reality in the shape of an arrogant plumber, grumpy bureaucrat, cold basement, dirt-ridden side-walk. Living off-campus certainly helps getting that reality check, but sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just let it go and enjoy the privilege of an academic environment. Have you experienced any of that? A disconnect with reality? Do you seek out ways to keep a foot on the ground or do you indulge in the delights of the ivory tower? What is your reality check?

indeed, I have made the same unfortunate discovery. as well as the fact that most are unfunded or underfunded, which of course is no news. although this might explain why it's mostly for undergrads: many so-called internships are just a way to get free labor to do basic tasks, so it's not really for grad students. is it necessary for your to be paid over the summer? if not, consider volunteering your services as a designer for charities, or even take on some borderline-related work. summers can be a great way to diversify your profile. otherwise, as a creative person, if you get a part-time position unrelated to your field, you would have the rest of the week to make stuff for your portfolio and/or look for clients. furthermore, consider doing information interviews with professionals related to your field. who knows, perhaps they're looking for a temp for the summer vacation of a designer. or just would create an internship just for you. this may sound like a time-consuming thing to do, but it doesn't have to be: if instead of a coffee break with a friend you go for a coffee with a professional, it will be both useful and entertaining. I would recommend doing a brainstorming session: list all the possible ways to get leads you know of or can quickly google, list your necessary condition for summer (e.g. do you need that money or not) and pick the most time-efficient combination.

I'm gathering all sorts of advice too, so this post is great! It's nice to hear what people do so as to know what's possible, and then pick whatever fits the way you work. Advice I've heard which I found interesting and which may be relevant to you too: - if you go to an archive, try to find out who in your field works there too. Google their photo, read their most recent book and introduce yourself if you happen to see them. People tend to be friendly and very happy to meet young researchers. - when you get access to a material, take photos if that's something potentially relevant for your work on the first try. you may not get access a second time. therefore: always have all your tools with you. - backup your stuff! Looking forward to hearing more advice of even the most basic nature from people who've been there, done that

rofl I know what you mean))) I personally even see that divide between grad students who are from state vs private unis. it is unfortunate though that some folks from state unis have internalized this class divide and seem to bring it up with or without need. I personally don't care about being poor so I try to not let it mess with my head too much, as long as nobody's behaving like assholes. in my 2 programs it was very different. both had joint grad/undergrad seminars, and in one it was excruciatingly boring to have to listen to the undergrads talk, but in the other the undergrads made quite relevant remarks most of the time. still, we would not mingle, probably because the upper-year undergrads are almost done and don't seek new friendships, whereas new grad students are here to stay. so I would not say it's resentment or anything, just different dynamic of forming relationships and sometimes different level of intelligence. the only exception in my experience was with clubs. I made a lot of grad-student friends this way when I did my undergrad. but again, only in early years, when we both sought out new friendships. Probably the main difference I felt between undergrad and grad was in regards to how the school treats me. I no longer felt like I'm just a number. But this may not be relevant to your experience if you're from a school with few undergrads. however, I doubt this difference in treatment has anything to do with a divide between grads and undergrads at various schools.

imo, happiness is everything. It is pretty much the thing that persuaded me I should pursue a PhD. This may sound vague. So allow me to specify: after my MA I took 1 year off to apply and think. I brainstormed what a PhD would bring me and what other career paths might, and also what are the big things I'd like to accomplish in my life. Wild things, regardless of how and when. Brainstormed that for several months. Turned out, PhD was the way to go to achieve most of these things. Also, smaller considerations, such as personality fit with career, played in favor of PhD. So it was a combination of: immediate love of doing research + potential for getting closer to lifetime goals