Dark Chocolate Mocha

Hello all,
I am an old-ish member of this forum. I have been fretting here slightly more than 2 years ago, biting my nails, refreshing my page to see if a new email had arrived in my inbox, and going through the terrible anxiety of applying to grad school as you are all familiar with right now. So why am I even telling you about that?
Let me tell you about what happened then. I actually got accepted into one of my top choices and started my PhD in Fall 2018. (Yay, happy ending! But the continuation of that hasn't exactly been like a fairy tale.)
I have had quite a bit of difficulty working with my advisor since then, which actually became apparent right in the first couple of months of grad school. She is a very smart person, who has a frightening reputation for asking mind-boggling questions to researchers at the end of their talks, for being quick-thinking and very demanding. Of course, given how "great" she is, she also seems to have high expectations of her students. You may expect that this reputation would have been terrifying for me. But no. Having been a straight-A student all my life, I thought I had what it takes to succeed in a demanding program, under the supervision of a very demanding advisor. But things haven't been going as planned.
In my first year, I was constantly frustrated because I had a hard time getting my advisor excited about my proposed experiments. (The structure of my program is such that the students need to have a research project at the end of their first year, however humble its goals and results may be). Sometimes she thought my proposed idea was ill-conceived entirely, and sometimes it wasn't the idea that was flawed, but we "wouldn't find anything interesting" even if we ran that study. Our dialogues often ended with her saying "OK, suppose we do this and find X. What does that tell us about the big picture? Nothing. We'll have a hard time making a case for that and I don't see this going to publication, do you?" It was, of course, soul-crushing. Before that, I had been a relatively independent junior researcher in a master's program in a related area, actually pursued my own ideas and even gotten a few publications based on that (conference publications, not peer-reviewed journal articles, but I was still proud of those because I had conceived and executed a research idea primarily with my own initiative, with only some theoretical help and moral support from my then-advisor). Dejected, I asked my advisor if she had an idea that I could work on, because we were running out of time and she didn't like any of my ideas. She suggested an idea - which I wasn't super enthusiastic about. But I started working on it, half-heartedly. (The end of the story is that, yes, we ran that study; but it didn't exactly work. No worries. That happens in research. It is science, after all.)
Flash forward to my second year. I started a new research project, after we basically replayed the same scenes from last year. Me presenting ideas, my advisor dismissing them all, and us finally settling on a question that my advisor finds worthwhile and I find boring and unimportant, but I have nothing else to replace it with that my advisor would like. It is in my second and current year, actually, that I also started noticing some signs that my advisor was growing fed up with me. These signs are subtle, but there is no way you cannot notice them. Sometimes it is a comment like "I know you are struggling, but don't compare yourself to X and Y (star students in my lab), because they have worked in my lab as research assistants before coming here as PhD students, it is normal that they are ahead of you." This might sound supportive at first, but keep in mind that I had not even mentioned the students X and Y or said or done anything to indicate that I was comparing myself to them and was worried that I was falling behind compared to them. Given that, it was quite a blow to me that SHE mentioned these names and suddenly introduced an interpersonal/competitive aspect to my struggles that wasn't interpersonal at all. (Also, for context, I am an international student from a relatively poor country and the only international student in my advisor's lab AND I did my undergraduate and master's work in a related - but ultimately different - field. So I am trying to be compassionate towards myself and tell myself that there may be aspects of the PhD program that hit me harder because I am less familiar with this field and less familiar with the expectations from a PhD student in the US in general. But being an "outlier" in this sense is already hard and exacerbates one's impostor syndrome. So being compared to others certainly didn't help with that.) 
Sometimes the sign that disturbs me can be something like "Dark Chocolate Mocha, I have the feeling that you still don't know what you want to do [with respect to research or career plans], is that true? I think you are still wandering around." She also dropped this at the end of a dreaded weekly meeting, after I provided updates on my ongoing research. I remember stammering "no" but in fact, thanks to her, I am also asking myself if this is really what I want, to be honest. I certainly didn't expect a working environment like this when I started grad school, where my ideas would be discarded one after another and I would be working on my advisor's questions instead of my own.
Why am I writing this post NOW?
Because of the recent changes that have been happening in my life due to COVID-19.
The thing is, ever since we have been quarantined, I have been less motivated to work on my project than before. I have been slacking off quite a bit, and cancelled two consecutive weekly meetings with my advisor, as I didn't have anything to update her on. She is clearly upset with that. She sent an email telling me that she would like to have an "open-ended conservation" with me about "what I am thinking about graduate school." 
I wonder if you would agree with me, or if I am being paranoid, but I am worried about the part where she says she would like to talk to me about graduate school. Because I feel like she may use this conversation to drop a hint or perhaps even more openly suggest that I am not cut out to be an academic and should drop out of the program. I could see how dissatisfied she has been with me from the beginning, and this couldn't continue forever I suppose, so maybe this shouldn't come as a surprise but I still find it heart-breaking. I can never exactly find out what is going on in her mind until we actually have a meeting and talk things out, of course. But this just added another anxiety to my life.
I am definitely not very happy in my program, I'll be honest. So you might think dropping out should make me happy. The problem is, I have received my previous degrees in fields that do not exactly make me "employable". (Don't judge me. I was a romantic and didn't choose the most marketable major and then foolishly topped it off with another useless master's.) This PhD program is a great gift for me, and not only as a stepping stone into an academic career. I thought, even if I cannot stay in academia, I can use my PhD degree to find an industry job. (My current field is more marketable than my previous fields.) I don't see any job prospects for myself if I drop out now, but I have a disturbing feeling that this is the direction I am heading towards, if I am correctly interpreting the signs my advisor has been sending throughout my second year. And it is devastating.
So I was wondering if there is anyone here who went through a similar phase.
A phase when you felt like you were at the bottom of the "achievement pyramid" in your lab, your ideas were belittled by your advisor, you felt underappreciated despite working harder than you ever did before grad school?
Or a phase when your advisor explicitly told you that s/he was unhappy with your academic progress (or lack thereof) and maybe even finally popped the question and asked you to leave the program because you weren't a good fit? (the dreaded question which I fear I might have to answer fairly soon.)
Misery loves company, so I guess I would like to hear some stories and commiserate with you, the wonderful community that supported me through the dark times of grad school application 2 years ago. Any advice would also be appreciated.
I hope you are all healthy and safe, and thank you so much ❤️
(And apologies if my description of things was too disorganized or confusing. I am stressed out due to the pandemic + academic concerns so I may have some concentration problems.)

Hello fellow grad students!
About 6 weeks later, I will be moving to the US for graduate study, and I have a few questions about some practical issues that I need to take care of upon arrival, so I thought I'd request help from the people who live in the US and are knowledgeable about these subjects. 
My first set of questions is about BANKS.
I will have to open a bank account upon arrival, so my stipends can be deposited there. My questions concerning American banks are:
Which bank(s) do you think is/are the best according to their quality of service? What are the requirements for a foreign national to open a bank account in the US? Is it straightforward, or do I need to deal with some legal issues that U.S. citizens are exempt from? Do you pay annual fees for credit cards in the US? I might consider getting a credit card from the bank where I will have an account, as I find having a credit card handy for making online transactions. That being said, I will be on a tight budget as a grad student, and if getting a credit card means that I will have to pay some kind of annual fee for it, I'd rather not have one. Finally, I am asking these questions assuming that I will have freedom to choose my bank, but do schools sometimes force you to open your account in a certain bank because they have a deal with them or something? My second set of questions is about GSM Operators.
Since I will mostly communicate with my friends and family members in my home country via Skype, Hangouts, and similar apps, I will not be using my old phone number. I will switch to an American GSM operator and get a new number to communicate with my new contacts in the US. Which GSM operator would you recommend based on your personal experiences? And before you make a suggestion, here are some important points to keep in mind: I'm not a talkative person, and prefer messaging (via Whatsapp or Viber) to talking on the phone. Thus my data package need not have many minutes and messages, etc. I will mostly be dependent on internet - and considering that the campus and other public places often have Wi-Fi, even my internet package may be modest.  In addition, I'm not a very outdoorsy person, and I am sure that I will be spending most of my time in urban areas, where my university is also located. Therefore coverage may not be a big issue for me. (Though I admit that I might be grievously mistaken about this. Maybe there are some GSM operators that have poor coverage even in cities?) In short, what I care most about is to have a GSM operator that will give me a modest data package for a reasonable sum of money. I really don't want to be ripped off :((  Which GSM operator would you recommend under these circumstances? My third set of questions is about Hair Dressers.
Yeah, I know - what a shallow and superficial question, right? But please hear me out. I have actually been cutting and dyeing my hair all by myself for the last 5 years or so - so I would save time and money. And it really worked! But as I will be living in a residence hall once I start my PhD program, I am guessing that it will be very hard for me to keep up this regimen in the US. The Handbook clearly says that "hair cutting, shampooing and similar activities should be restricted to the bathroom" - which is fine. I guess I could just cover a sink with a stretch foil, cut my hair, and clean up the mess easily. The real problem is dyeing. My natural hair color is black, but I have some gray hairs here and there, which I like to cover up with black dye. One problem with black dye is rinsing, however. It makes the water turn purple and might risk staining the white bathroom tiles with purple patches. I could clean it up, of course, but I really don't wanna go into trouble over such an issue. So I guess I may have to go to a hair salon once per month or so, in order to have my hair dyed. Now, I will be living in Boston and I checked the prices at some hair salons, and they sounded terrifying! Even the "cheapest" hair salons (those with a single dollar sign next to their names) could charge $75 for a simple haircut. I don't know how much a hair-dying procedure costs, but I anticipate that it will be expensive as well. So I need a life hack for that. How do I get a cheap hair dye in the Boston area? Is there a good way of doing that? And my final questions concern the issue of Home textiles.
The residence hall will not be providing me with linens, pillows, blankets, and suchlike, so I have to buy them myself. I know IKEA is probably an affordable option for purchasing such things, but is there any other place that you could recommend? -------------------------------
Many thanks in advance to everyone for reading my questions and providing answers.
Thank you very much!
 
 
 

It's a great relief to hear that! I might still get rejected at the end, of course, but it is wonderful to know that I can still hope to be admitted! I am also happy for you. I hope you'll have a great interview with MUSC!

Hey all,
After a somewhat disastrous presentation I saw at my job the other day, I started reflecting on the importance of job skills that professors don't really teach you or even discuss when you're in doctoral program, particularly if you want to be a non-academic researcher and/or are interested in having one foot (or toe) outside of academia.
The one I was specifically thinking about in this case is ability to present and translate your findings for a non-scientific audience. I'm a non-academic researcher who spends the majority of my time working and talking with non-scientists - software developers, game designers, producers, program managers, marketers, artists, etc. When I do research, it's so important for me to be able to translate my research and explain research concepts in plain English. It's also important for me to be able to assess what my audience cares about and what they don't. Developers don't really care about the nitty-gritty details or the theoretical foundation for my work; what they care about are the results and how they fit into a framework that will affect their work. They especially want some recommendations for what they should do with my findings. I actually spend a significant amount of time teaching my co-workers about basic scientific principles, how to interpret findings, how to not contaminate research, etc - but all in language and concepts that's easy for them to understand without a PhD.
Ironically, that actually makes them trust me more, not less. In academic science it may be more important to speak the jargon, but in non-academic science it's important to be able to speak their language. It helps them understand I'm not doing any funny stuff just to make myself look better. I saw the flip of this in the presentation I mentioned above - the person in question is also a researcher, and was presenting some results, but this person did not adequately define how they were measuring an important construct, and they used a lot of jargon of their field (one that intersects with mine) when they were explaining the results. Even I had a hard time parsing what they did and I knew how to perform the analysis they did. The rest of the people in the room drilled down, and it was painful.
So how to develop these skills? I found that teaching was probably one of the best ways to do it. When you teach - especially when you teach introductory courses in your field - you have to get really good at boiling down concepts (sometimes sophisticated ones) to a group of bright but uneducated students. Teaching at different levels teaches you how to scale up or down based on your audience. So get some teaching experience if you can, because it can translate really well! Freelancing as a corporate trainer or consultant can also give you similar experience - I worked as a statistical consultant for four years in graduate school, and in that case I was more often working with other doctoral students and professors/researchers who I had to explain statistical concepts to. And practicing grant-writing can help, too...that's kind of an in-between area, because there is some academic language, but I've found that writing NIH grants especially is a lot more simple and jargon-free than most scientific papers.
***
What about you other graduates - folks who have finished your PhDs and are now postdocs or professionals? Any skills that you've found indispensable to your careers? And how do you suggest current PhD students develop those skills?
Or PhD students? Are there any skills that your professors are pushing you to learn but you don't know if they're actually that important? Or do you want suggestions on how to sharpen a skill?

Thank you for your support! The really weird thing about Maryland NACS is that they have also already sent out several rejections. They did this quite early, in fact: around January 22 or so. I cannot realistically expect a positive outcome, as I know it would be very awkward to get a "first" interview request this late. At the same time, I cannot help but wonder why it should take them a month (and this at the very least) to notify me of a rejection.
Weird.

I don't really know the specifics of your situation, but here's my two cents. I limped through my first Bachelor's degree (at several different universities) from 2003-2009. I was young, reckless, and completely irresponsible. I dropped out in 2009, worked in the real world for several years, and then went back and finished the last handful of courses needed to earn my BA in 2015. Even though I earned A's in the final courses I took in 2015, my cumulative undergrad GPA was a pitiful 2.33. 
A decade ago, I thought my dream was to go into politics--either as a political consultant or as a political candidate myself. Working those several years in low-pay staffer jobs for political campaigns gave me the insight into the field that I needed in order to realize that politics was not the career for me. More importantly, it was during those interim years that my passion for genealogy and history blossomed. 
By the beginning of 2016, I had become confident that researching, writing, and teaching history was what I wanted more than anything. I finally had the maturity and sense of responsibility to get something out of an education (rather than just trudging through it as a teenager because I was expected to jump through a hoop). However, my GPA in my first BA was too awful to get accepted to ANY graduate program. With my goal of a graduate education in History, I went back to school to earn a second Bachelor's degree, this time in history, and I am on track to graduate magna cum laude. I was in my late 20s when I started this second undergrad degree, and I knew I would be 31 years old by the time I finished, but I knew this was a necessary step to get to my goal, so I forged ahead and did it.
When I started researching graduate programs and preparing applications, I had no idea how admission committees would view my unusual academic history. So, I decided to both reach as far as I could AND hedge my bets. I applied to a spectrum of graduate programs (both Master's and PhD programs), at everything from very safe MA programs at state universities to the cream-of-the-crop PhD programs at Ivy League universities. I knew, given the 5%-10% acceptance rates in the top-tier grad programs, that I was bound to get a lot of rejections, and so far that is bearing out to be true. Even though my odds were slim, I viewed the process of applying to Ivy League PhD programs as an opportunity to get to know the programs, get a feel for which ones I might be the best fit for, and get to know some of the faculty in my field. 
It's looking like I am going to be ending up at a middle-tier Master's program at a state university next Fall, and that is fine. I am honored to get acceptances to graduate programs that have 30-60% acceptance rates. I know that if I squeeze everything I can out of the next 2 years, do the most ambitious MA thesis I can possibly do, and bust my butt learning foreign languages and developing my research/writing skills and befriending top professors, I will be much more competitive for those graduate programs with the 5-10% acceptance rates when 2020 rolls around.
I will try my very best to get into a top-tier PhD program eventually, but I am viewing my progression toward this goal as a gradual stair step process. When I complete my MA in History at a middle-tier state school in 2020, I will re-apply to some of those top-tier PhD programs but I will also throw in some upper-tier Master's programs as well. If I have to do an MA in History at a middle-tier state school now, and then do a second MA in German or an MA in European Studies at a higher-tier school like Berkeley/Georgetown/NYU/Yale in 2020-2022, then so be it. That may finally be my ticket into a PhD program at a Princeton, Harvard, Chicago, etc.
Just remember: It's okay to set your sights at the top of the mountain, but also give yourself some more reasonable footholds to latch onto just in case your footing slips on the way to the top. Even if you end up with 2 Bachelor's degrees and 2 Master's degrees before you get into that dream doctoral program, it will all be worth it in the end if that is the goal you truly want more than anything.

I applied to a dozen grad schools. I got into exactly one so far. Got rejected from half and haven't heard a peep from the others. Hopefully one school will come around for you. That's all you really need.
You sound like a great person. There is always hope, don't give up! Wishing the best for you!

Oklash,
I empathize so much with you. Please don't give up on yourself. Please don't even consider the thought of hurting yourself or worse. You deserve life! You deserve happiness. You can and will find your path. But I know that sounds so much easier than it is actually done. But please, listen to me:
I have been where you are. A few years ago, I applied to graduate school and got rejected at 6/8 programs. This crushed me. None of my top schools seemed even remotely interested. I was rejected swiftly. One acceptance was to my safety school. One acceptance was to a good program, but no funding. I was living at home. I didn't have a source of income. I was in a very bad relationship, which was ending. I didn't think the amount of loans I would have to take out to go to school and minimally survive was a good choice. I just couldn't bear the thought, and I said no. This devastated me. I felt like such a fuck up. I spent hours and hundreds of dollars to apply to these schools. It felt like such a waste.
My parents were pressuring me to move on. They didn't exactly see what this meant to me. I dreamed of going into academia. I really wanted to teach. And I felt like it would never happen for me. I felt like a crucial part of my identity was lost. They told me to get a job somewhere and move on. The only job I could find was at K-Mart. Meanwhile, my professors and advisors told me, "There's always next year. This happens. Just try again." Try again? As if this is easy? As if this is affordable? It's neither. This process can be soul-crushingly difficult. It depressed me. I spent months deeply, clinically depressed. Not many people understood what I was going through or had the bandwidth to relate to me and talk to me. I felt so alone.
But, I chose to just adapt and to go on a totally different path. It was not easy. I changed career tracks. I didn't like it. I still don't. I struggled to find work outside of retail, but eventually did. It was meager, however. Finally, I met my then boyfriend (now husband). I began to learn that life is not linear. Life often does not make sense. The path is arduous and twisted and broken and frightening, but sometimes, there is method to its absolute madness. I would have never met my husband had this all worked out the way I had hoped. I also realized that your career does not have to be the only way you find fulfillment in life. There are ways to engage in your love and research interests outside of academia. Focus on finding those things. Focus on filling your life with people who you connect to and can confide in. You need support during this process. You need friends and love. And sometimes, that is the greatest fulfillment in life.
Like you, I have a BA in English and philosophy. I felt really unemployable where I was living in the Midwest. But when I moved to a metro area, I suddenly found I was very employable, just not in anything I deeply care about, which has been okay temporarily. I have worked in an off-shoot of my field, and I have spent time building my resume with professional experience. I have saved up money to apply again to graduate school and fund some of my education, should I get in. I spent years preparing to try again. And, in that time, I focused mostly on healing myself--repairing the broken confidence, proving my commitment to myself, and polishing the skills I need. My time away from school and this process has honestly been so well spent, and I have hope it is paying off.
My advice for your situation is to consider doing those things: take a year or two or three to build your resume;  consider moving to a metropolitan area where there are more jobs, if you can afford it; stay committed to your field through independent study, research, and attempts at publication; research different programs, maybe try a completely different batch of schools; seek out professionals in your field to provide you constructive criticism on your applications; find friends and a support circle; find other hobbies and things that make you feel good; focus on your mental health by seeking medical attention, talking to a therapist or loved one, taking a break from this process, taking a vacation (or stay-cation), taking up a new hobby, trying new exercise, etc.; and finally give yourself a break.
Listen to all of us in your shoes. We are all struggling. You are NOT alone! You are NOT a failure. You should not blame yourself so much or feel so worthless. It's just NOT fair to yourself. Give yourself some credit for all of the hard work and effort you have put in. Give yourself credit for taking a risk and trying again. Look at how far you've already come. You are GREAT. Please don't forget that! <3

I will be very brief. Not getting admitted to graduate school is a silly reason to wish for death. The academic job market is very bleak at the moment, particularly for humanities/social sciences PhDs. So maybe this is a silver lining for you.
But if you are truly passionate about doing research and pursuing academia, supposing you still do not get in this year, why not ask the departments which areas of the application you can improve on, so that you can better  your chances next time? Also, if you are applying for a PhD program time, why not apply for an MA next time? best wishes.

First, You did an incredible work in preparing for all applications. I submitted 9 applications, I really know how much you had to work on. Not many people can be that hard-working and persistent. You must understand, you are awesome about it. Second, when I read your post, I feel one thing -- your incredible courage. People with smooth life do not show that much courage, and you are truly amazing! You are disappointed but you still know what would be bad choices. I am very proud of you, sincerely. 
You still have 3 out of 10 applications to look forward to! I had no interviews from 7 out of 9 applications while others got the invitation, so somewhat I feel I fail 7 chances as well. Now I put all my hope on the other 2. Before the end of everything, you would never know what will happen, friend!
I am very depressed recently. Trust me, I know how you feel. Most days, I just fake the confidence to even get up because I believe  "Pretending to not be afraid is as good as actually not being afraid." And it truly works. Good luck, friend. Both you and I will be fine. Sending you a virtual hug.
"hey, listen. Life may not get better. YOU get better."

Also not my field, but I'm got some experience with very selective admission committees and wanted to add an important point to all the great ones mentioned above:
Don't take it personally
Seriously. You would not believe how, at a certain point, this process is largely arbitrary. Because, really, it's not like the departments are looking carefully at each application and saying "this person meets our standards, this person doesn't" and all the former get in. No. They do that, then look at the still large pile of people who meet their standards and they'd like to accept, and then somehow figure a way to whittle it down to the number of slots they actually have available.
It bothers me when I see people on results page say "oh, I knew my GPA [or GRE] wasn't good enough" or "I bet it was because I didn't have any publications." If your GRE/GPA is way below the average for your program, that might be the case. But for people at or above the average, it is literally impossible to guess why you weren't accepted and someone else was. (It's not impossible to know, you could ask them and they might tell you. But it's impossible to guess.) Once you meet a certain standard on the basics and you're on the shortlist, you can bet that what gets you accepted or rejected after that point is entirely out of your control. Departmental politics, a particular faculty member's ability to take on another student, the profiles of the students accepted last year, the profiles of the other students who will probably be accepted this year, unconscious biases (or affinities), funding issues ... Or a billion other things that could affect the decision — all of which are out of your hands, and none of which are even really about you.
So if you get rejected, even if you get rejected by all of them, don't take it personally. Take a good look and if you have obvious deficiencies make a plan to correct them, but if you don't, don't drive yourself crazy trying to find what small flaw caused them to reject you. Because, a lot of times, it's not you; it's them.
 

 
 

This happens in academia far too often. You could have near-perfect GRE scores, GPA, letters of recommendation, and even fit; yet you're still not selected. Social capital is a powerful thing, I wish there was more research on it. I worry when applying to programs that also have a terminal masters because of how often schools transition (though deserving) students from the masters to PhD program. Faculty of a student that know other faculty. Students finding their POI at a conference and getting face-time...they are playing the game. In IO we learn about how the most random factors like name and handshake can affect your likelihood to receive a job offer, especially when the process is unstructured. The application process is very unstructured: some professors hate the GRE, some love applied experience, some publications, sometimes it's just random in terms of who you apply to. It's hard not to take it personal. Graduate applicants are conscientious; you can tell by the path they've chosen.  However, I've never met someone intrinsically motivated that didn't get in. Keep hope. Learn. Find out what the accepted candidates "had" that you didn't. Objectively you may have been much higher on the list, but the list isn't objective; otherwise, a computer would select who gets in. 
 
 
In reality: I cry and listen to Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away"

I think this is a great thread. Im applying for the second time now with a very different outcome than my first time, two years ago. I had applied to 14 schools (clinical psych) and only heard from one (to which I was not accepted). 
I was convinced that there was nothing I could have done differently or better, but that's not true. I think one thing that helped me beyond the "everything happens for a reason" bit is to remember that academia is highly insulated. Even now, I feel very strongly about the research I do and I work for a PI that is internationally recognized for her work in the subject matter...but my friends, parents, roommates, uber drivers, bartenders acquaintances (the list goes on..and yes, I bore strangers with science) have no idea who she is...and for that matter, couldn't care less. Life goes on. Life is bigger than prestige and academia. This attitude helped me to think more globally about my applications this time around. Having this attitude helped me maintain a sense of confidence in my writing (statement) and preliminary phone interviews. 
With all of that being said, getting into a program was and continues to be a goal for me, and as such, I think that a person should commit and do what it takes to get there. I took a 10K paycut and had to move for my new job but it was worth it because my scientific productivity was high. I think the point there is to continue to be proactive! Email PIs, reach out to folks to express interest in their work...change your environment to reflect what you hope to achieve. if you're at a dead end lab - branch out and take an educated risk. Dont rush. I can't stress that enough. Im not a spring chicken and if you looked up the term impatient in the dictionary...you'd see my surly face..being impatient. But taking your time to really refine your interests will only pay off in the end.
Finally..and I mean this as much as possible in a non sugar and spice and everything nice kind of way, but remind yourself that you know your shit and that you're a worthy candidate. Always stay curious and maintain humility, but that doesn't entail discrediting your accomplishments and hard earned/acquired skills and knowledge. Work your ass off so that next time you know you crossed the t's.
Wishing you and everyone whose feeling down the best of luck. Keep yr chin up.

The bias is real and it's there and it really sucks. I would say try to dress in darker solid colors, and I would try to EXUDE confidence. Just radiate comfort and confidence and kindness and hope that when they think back on you, that's the initial thing they remember. Again, sucks that there has to be tips for this, but that's all I've got. Luckily, my programs don't really interview. 

Hey I think you brought up something very important that isn't talked about too much. Of course, there is a certain level of bias you can't control against. That is just something that every group with stigma unfortunately has to deal with. I think the biggest thing to buffer against some of the unconscious bias people may have to make sure throughout your interviews (whether it be the interviews themselves or casual events) make sure you are dressed very well. Other people may get away with the casual side of business, but unfortunately people often associate fatness with laziness, so make sure your clothes say "sharp, professional, serious." Now for casual events, no need to wear a suit, but I would say dress a tier above jeans-casual. 

Also, make sure the clothes you wear fit you well. As a short person whose weight fluctuates quite a lot, I will sometimes put on a button-up after a month and realize it's snug in the wrong places (still fitting, but not flattering). So just make sure the week before your interview you try everything on to be sure it all looks good. Other than that, be confident! You said you interview well, so that shouldn't be a problem for you. I think with all these things in mind you're chances won't be affected too much.  

I understand you very well. Congratulations on your acceptance!

Hi, I will message you the name of my school and my area. If it is something you feel passionate about, by all means pursue it. Just make sure that you have excellent research output (that means three things: publications, publications, and publications). Otherwise, it would be impossible to get an academic position on today's job market.
best wishes

Everyday I check my mail, way beyond 5pm in their respective time, because you know, maybe they work late. It's so crushing as another day passes, constantly questioning your self worth(don't!). but today, nearly 8pm on their time, I got an acceptance. Relief! It feels good, hope you all get the same feeling soon.